Part 9

“White, my dear!” I said, “is, as everybody knows, no colour at all; for it is produced by a combination of all the prismatic colours in the same proportion as they exist in the solar ray, where each colour neutralises the other. Now, if there is no colour, there can be no light, and where no light exists everything is as black as night, and if everything is black, white must be black also, and consequently white is black.”

“Very strange!” exclaimed Adalga.

“If white is black,” I continued, “it follows that black is white, because if there is no difference between two things they must be identical. Moreover, everybody knows that black is no colour at all, but the negation of colour, and it follows that if a thing has no particular colour of any kind, it must necessarily be white.”

“Incredible!” exclaimed the princess.

“There is nothing incredible about it,” I said. “It is all very reasonable. Moreover, there is no such thing as a colour at all, for what we call by that name refers only to a certain sensation which is produced in our brains by means of certain vibrations transmitted through the retina and the optic nerve. If you look at any coloured thing in the dark you will find it to be without any colour at all. The sensations we receive are only due to certain vibrations of something unknown.”

“What is a vibration?” asked Adalga.

“Vibration,” I said, “is nothing but a certain kind of motion, and as motion _per se_ does not exist, vibration is nothing, while that unknown thing which moves must be everything. But the existence of that unknown thing is not admitted by science, and consequently science knows nothing of everything, and of everything nothing, just as you like; and you can make nothing out of everything, and everything out of nothing, at your own pleasure.”

The princess was delighted to hear that she could now make everything out of nothing, although for the beginning it could be done only theoretically, and her repugnance to philosophical hair-splittings faded away. She continued her lessons with great diligence, and very soon I had the pleasure of seeing that she believed nothing and denied everything. A few weeks more, and I was highly gratified to find that she could no longer tell a mock-turtle from a tommy cat without entering into a long series of arguments for the purpose of proving which was which. Unfortunately, in proportion as she lost her power of perceiving the reality, while improving in the practice of logic, her own light grew more and more dim, her luminosity less, and the green colour in her sphere darker; but I considered this as a matter of only secondary importance; for it is said that beauty is a perishable thing, while wisdom remains.

Sometimes she was inclined to worry about the fading of her charms, but I reasoned her out of it, saying: “If everything is nothing, then, as a matter of course, beauty also is nothing, and it is not worth the while to worry about the loss of nothing.”

“But,” objected Adalga, “if beauty is nothing and nothing is everything, beauty is everything, and we must do all we can to preserve it.”

“Beauty,” I replied, “among our people is the outcome of fashion. If it were to become fashionable in our world to wear goitrès and hunchbacks, everybody would find it beautiful and adopt it at once; and even if he did not find it beautiful, he would pretend to find it so. Thus it often happens that everybody wears a most ridiculous article of dress, not because he thinks it beautiful, but because he thinks that others do so. In this way the people act foolish, and silently laugh at each other for being such fools.”

“This I should think to be very immoral,” objected Adalga.

“Human morality,” I replied, “is also a matter of custom. What is considered very moral among one nation or class of people is considered immoral among others. Some, for instance, regard stealing as a disgrace, others as a proof of great ingenuity. But we will not enter into these social questions. We would never come to an end. What you need for the purpose of evoluting into a higher and nobler sort of a being is, first of all, the three steps, or mental operations, by which you will proceed from particulars to generals, and from generals to still higher generalities by means of rejections and conclusions, so as to arrive at those axioms and general laws, from which we may infer, by way of synthesis, other particulars unknown to us, and perhaps placed beyond the reach of direct examination.”

“Oh my!” exclaimed the princess, and I saw that my explanation was not very clear to her; but this is excusable in a gnome, and I did not despair.

There is nothing more certain than that religious speculation without science leads to superstition; but it is also true that scientific speculation in regard to philosophical questions leads to blind materialism and insanity, if it is carried on without any religious basis, which means spiritual perception of truth. Adalga overdid the thing, because she was of an impulsive, fiery nature, and not used to self-restraint, and when I discovered the mistake it was too late to remedy it. I had taught her never to take anything for granted, and the end of it was that she doubted my words, disputed and denied everything, and always did the very contrary of what we expected her to do. It is said that a little learning is a dangerous thing, and I would add that the greater the learning the greater the folly, if at the foundation of all that imaginary knowledge there is no instinctive perception of truth, or what we call intuition.

The head of the princess became developed at the expense of her heart. The vital powers, which ought to have been distributed harmoniously through her system, went almost exclusively to furnish her intellect, and the consequence was that her head increased enormously in size, while her heart began to shrink. Her sight became dim, so that she could no longer distinguish right from wrong; her joyfulness left her; she became dissatisfied with herself and with everything; a continual scowl rested upon her face, and it was no pleasure to spend an hour in her company. Her former friends stampeded when they saw her approach.

I often tried to make her understand that at the basis of all creation there was an universal power, which has no name, but which men call God, and which those who reject that term, because they have formed a false conception of that which is beyond all human conception, might call by some other name, such as Love, Reason, All-consciousness, Divine Wisdom, etc., and that she might feel the manifestation of that power within her own soul, if she would only pay attention to it.

“Prove it,” she cried. “Prove that I have a soul, or that anybody has such a thing, and which has never been discovered by science, neither in the pineal gland nor in the big toe. Show me that soul, and let me examine it, and I will bottle it up and preserve it in the museum.”

“Soul means life,” I replied. “How can you know that you have a life, except by the fact that you are living?”

“Fiddlesticks!” exclaimed the princess. “There is no such thing as life. What seems life to you is only a phenomenon produced by the mechanical action of brain molecules, the result of indigestion.”

I was frightened to see the effects which my premature revelation of the mysteries of science had upon the princess. In vain I reminded her of the sentiments which she formerly used to have, and which were expressed in her song in the cave at the time of our first meeting. She called all these things “childish fancies,” unworthy of the serious attention of science. Alas! her study of the phenomenal side of nature would not have been objectionable if only her spiritual culture had not suffered by that; but while her intellect grew strong by overfeeding, her soul became starved to death; neither would she listen to my admonitions; she could not realise the possession of anything higher than the ever-doubting intellect, and this was probably because she was only a gnome.

One day, when I actually thought her reason was entirely gone, I said to her--

“Adalga, dear, do you know me?”

“Don’t dear me,” was her answer. “How can you ask such a foolish question? I know that I have an image of somebody on my brain, and that its name is said to be Mulligan, but whether your qualities correspond to that image or not I have not yet discovered. For all I know, the Mulligan with whom I fancy myself to be acquainted may be only a product of my own imagination.”

“It seems you love me no more?” I inquired despondently.

“What is love but an effect of the imagination?” she answered. “If I chose to fall in love with a pitchfork, and bestow my affection upon it, it will do me the same service as to love Mr Mulligan.”

“I assure you,” I said, “true love is an entirely different thing. That which you describe is only some kind of fancy.”

“Prove it,” she exclaimed, as usual; but alas! I could not prove to her that whose existence she could not experience.

To make the matter short, Adalga became so scientific as to lose all her loveliness of form and character, and became overbearing, ugly, conceited, and foolish, and the same was the case more or less with all the rest of the gnomes. The whole population became clever and cunning, but, at the same time, lying and hypocritical. Formerly they had been moved, as it were, only by one will, namely, the will of the king; now everybody wanted to rule everybody else, and nobody rule himself or be ruled by another. There was nothing but quarrels, disputes, dissensions, dissatisfaction, and selfishness; the gnomes lost their perception of truth and their light. The kingdom grew dark.

Formerly everything had been peaceful; but now it became necessary to employ force for the purpose of keeping order. Each gnome cared only for his or her own interests, and this caused fights. One of the first requirements was the establishment of a police. I soon found that the employees of the government, including the police, could not be relied upon. I therefore had to establish a corps of detectives, and employ for that purpose the greatest rascals, because it is known that “it requires a thief to catch a thief.” These detectives had again to be watched by others, and from this ensued an universal espionage, which was intolerable. Moreover, everybody seeing himself continually watched, was thereby continually reminded that it was in his power to steal, and the end of it was that the people considered it to be a great and praiseworthy act if one succeeded in stealing without getting caught.

At the time of my arrival it was the custom of the gnomes to believe everything that anybody said, but now it became fashionable never to believe anything whatever. The consequence was that each believed the other a liar; each mistrusted the other; nobody spoke the truth, if it was not in his own interest to do so. Nothing could be accomplished without bribery; crimes became numerous, and it became necessary to establish jails all over the country.

There was one curious feature noticeable, especially among the Sagani, who now constituted the great autocratic body of scientists. The more learned they became the more narrow-sighted they grew. They lost the power to open their eyes, and decided upon every question according to hearsay and fancy. Their limbs became atrophied, and their heads swollen. Some became so big-headed and top-heavy that they often lost their balance and fell down. It was especially funny to see how they tumbled about whenever one forgot himself, and by force of habit elongated his body. Finally, narrow-sightedness became so universal that a gnome without spectacles was quite a curiosity, and it has been reported that even children with spectacles upon their noses were born; but of this I have no positive proof.

To my horror, the head of the princess grew larger and stronger every day, and two hard horn-like excrescences began to appear upon it at the place where the phrenological bump of love of approbation is located. At the same time she grew exceedingly stubborn and vain. She was continually surrounded by flatterers who imposed upon her credulity. She could bear no contradiction, and nevertheless craved for disputes for the purpose of showing off her great learning. She lost her former natural dignity and self-esteem, and in its place she acquired a great deal of false pride; but her love of approbation revolted against the idea that anybody might consider her vain, and for the purpose of avoiding such a suspicion she joined gnomes of doubtful character, and went into bad company.

Let me draw a veil over the history of these sad events. Even now, although having resumed my individuality as Mr Schneider, I can look back only with deep regret upon the change that overcame the charming princess Adalga, owing to the ill-timed instruction of Mr. Mulligan. As to her father, the king, instead of comprehending the sad state of affairs of his kingdom, he took a very superficial view of it. He was delighted with the intellectual progress of the princess, and with the advancement of culture among his subjects, and he overwhelmed me with tokens of favour, calling me a public benefactor for civilising the gnomes.

Bimbam I. did not care to enter himself into the study of logic and elocution, nevertheless he did not wish to be regarded as a fool. He therefore tried to give himself an appearance of being learned, and whenever his arguments failed, he became very irascible, and lost his temper. He was excitable, but too great a lover of comfort to remain long in an excited state, and for this reason he was easily pacified. Often he would get raving mad, bucking his head against the walls; but a moment afterwards he would go to smoke his pipe, as if nothing had happened.

More and more the influence of the green frog was felt spreading through the kingdom, and there were some who claimed to have seen him wandering about the streets, spreading poisonous saliva from his mouth, from which green and red-spotted toad-stools grew. The world of the gnomes became continually more unnatural and perverted; impudence assumed the place of heroism, sophistry the mask of wisdom, lecherousness passed for love, hypocrisy paraded the streets under the garb of holiness; those who succeeded in cheating all the rest were considered the most clever; the most avaricious gnomes were said to be the most prudent; he who made the greatest noise was thought to be the most learned of all. Nor were the ladies exempt from this general degradation, for they assumed the most ridiculous fashions, putting artificial bumps on their backs and wearing tremendous balloons in the place of sleeves; they lost their simplicity, were full of affectations and whims, and to do anything whatever in a plain and natural way was considered vulgar.

But what is the use of continuing to describe conditions which everyone knows who has visited the Untersberg within the last few years? It is sufficient to say that the country of the gnomes at that time resembled to a great extent the human-animal kingdom of our days, and I would have wished to leave it if I had not considered it my duty to remain for the purpose of trying to undo some of the mischief which had ignorantly been caused by my prematurely opening the door of the palace of Lucifer.

VIII.

WAR.

Dark and gloomy grew the kingdom of the gnomes in proportion as the light of each individual inhabitant decreased. Many who formerly were like luminous spheres, shedding radiant rays to a considerable distance, now became like dim will-o’-the-wisps, or merely phosphorescent dots or firebugs. As the general darkness increased, the glow that came from the eyes of the green frog in Lucifer’s temple, whose doors were now continually open, became more visible, and at certain times the frog actually seemed to be alive.

The ghosts in the temple continued their accustomed occupations without making any progress whatever. The _perpetuum mobile_ was always on the point of completion, but never completed; the bill of fare was continually altered, but there was nothing to eat; and the calculations made by the imaginary heir produced no interest. All the ghosts repeated the same follies again, which they had been in the habit of enacting before.

Meanwhile the work in the tunnel went on with great speed, and the hole in the sky grew deeper every night; but it was impossible to say how long it would take to finish it, as the depth of the atmosphere which had to be penetrated was not known. I estimated it to be about one thousand miles, and calculating the work at about five feet a night, I found that the tunnel would be finished in 2924 years, which was rather a long time to wait for the completion of my marriage.

Moreover, one very serious inconvenience made itself perceptible. The working men had become so big-headed as to render it impossible for more than three gnomes to work in the tunnel at the same time without bumping their heads together. This delayed the progress and caused fights, and the question of widening the tunnel had to be taken into consideration, which would necessarily cause a considerable expense.

Already the country was groaning under the heavy burden of an exorbitant taxation required for the heads of science, who did the hard work of thinking, for paying salaries to professors, policemen, pensioners, supporting prisoners and blind people, and especially for supplying with luxuries the royal family and their hangers-on. Especially the princess required a great deal of cash for her support. Her external appearance had become rather uncanny, and she therefore needed costly dresses and ornaments to hide her deformities. Her head, having grown to an enormous size, resembled the show-case of a jeweller’s shop, being hung over with chains and jewels, while a crown, or to speak more correctly, a tube of gold, adorned her occiput for the purpose of hiding the two horn-like excrescences.

I was one day consulting the king, and tried to demonstrate to him the necessity of using some economy and curtailing his private expenses, as otherwise the whole country would be involved in financial ruin; but I found him quite unreasonable in that respect.

“I should like to know,” he exclaimed, “what is the use of my being the king, if I cannot get all the money I want?”

“Everything,” I said, “belongs to your majesty, but it will be to your own advantage to see that the resources of the country are not squandered, for, when the production ceases, there will be no more income.”

“Well,” said the king, “if the people refuse to pay, I can still depend upon my army, and we shall see.”

Just at that moment we were interrupted by loud reports like explosions, following each other in rapid succession. This was followed by shouts and cries, and immediately afterwards Cravatu came rushing into the palace, and approaching the king, he said:

“May it please your majesty to take command of the army. The labourers making the hole in the sky have perforated the frontier of the kingdom of the spirits of the air, and the inhabitants offer resistance.”

The king, having still a certain amount of perception of truth, did not get at all excited upon hearing this news, but lighting his pipe, he took a few whiffs, and said:

“What about it? I do not blame them; we can do nothing else but retire.”

Just then the princess entered, and, hearing these words, she exclaimed:

“Rot! who ever heard of a king of the gnomes being afraid of the spirits of the air?”

“I never,” replied the king.

“Well then,” continued Adalga, “we must beat back the intruders, and force our way through their kingdom.”

The king was easily influenced, especially when his ambition was touched. Therefore the words of the princess caused him to fly into a rage. First he grew red in the face, his features expanded from ear to ear like an india-rubber bag. Next, he jumped several feet from the ground and came down again with a thump. After that he threw his pipe upon the floor so that it broke, and stamped upon it with his foot. Finally, he lowered his head and butted it against Cravatu; and, after all this was done, he began to yell, crying at the top of his voice: “We must drive the rascals away! We must force a passage through them!”

A tumult was heard in the ante-room, and directly numerous gnomes rushed in. They were merchants and traders, and came to make offers for furnishing supplies for the army. They were under-bidding each other, each offering to the king a greater bribe for accepting his offer. The king accepted some of the bargains which seemed to afford to him the greatest profit for his private purse, and the goods were delivered. They consisted of barrels labelled “flour,” and filled with sand, carloads of “leather shoes” made of paste-board, wooden hams, and cartridges filled with sawdust; also something that looked like a cannon, but it was made of wood and varnished, so as to give it the appearance of bronze.

We left the palace, and the blowing of horns indicated the locality of the combat. On the way we met a train of wounded gnomes, some exhibiting a pitiful aspect. All the wounded had terrible burns and scalds, and the limbs of some were torn away. One poor fellow had lost the whole of his lower jaw, which was dreadful to see, and he seemed to suffer great pain.

“Why do not these people assume their ethereal forms and thus get rid of their suffering bodies?” I asked the minister.

“This art,” answered Cravatu, “is now becoming very difficult, and there are very few capable of exercising it, since we have become so substantial. Moreover, these people cannot do so at all; because it is necessary for that purpose that one should entirely forget his body, and how could we do that, if the sensation of pain or of pleasure keeps our attention fastened to it? For the purpose of throwing off the mask of personality and entering into the state of selflessness, an entire forgetfulness of self is required, such as is almost impossible to attain in our present state of civilisation.”

The wounded we met became more numerous as we approached the battle-field, and here and there could be seen a corpse, stiff and stark, slowly but surely evaporating. When we arrived the explosions had already ceased, and Clavo, the general in command, approached upon a bicycle and made his report. From this it appeared that in trying to enlarge the tunnel, the labourers had entered into side-issues, and by blowing out a large block of air, made an opening into a foreign region of unknown extent, which was inhabited by a tribe of sylphs or fairies, unknown to science and not yet classified. These spirits had resented the intrusion, and prevented the approach of our soldiers by pouring upon them sheets of fluid lightning, with the most destructive effect, so that all resistance was rendered impossible, and they were forced to retreat after experiencing a considerable loss.

“There is nothing to be done,” said the general, after finishing his account, “but to let these airy spirits alone and begin a new tunnel in some other place. They are not of an aggressive character, and will not molest us if we go away. We have, anyhow, no right to trespass upon their territory.”

“This is exactly what I always said,” the king replied; “what business have we to meddle with these good spirits? Let us go.”

But the princess interfered.

“Rot!” she cried: “Good spirits, indeed! Let them be exterminated! Will your majesty let them deprive us of our glory? Their resistance is an insult to you!”