SCENE TWO
_Is a court room suggesting playing cards. The jurymen are all kinds of creatures. The KING and QUEEN OF HEARTS are seated on the throne. The KNAVE is before them in chains. The WHITE RABBIT has a trumpet in one hand, and a scroll of parchment in the other. In the middle of the court stands a table with a large dish of tarts upon it._
WHITE RABBIT
[_Blows three blasts on his trumpet._]
Silence in the court!
ALICE
[_Watches jurymen writing busily on their slates._]
What are they doing? They can't have anything to put down yet, before the trial's begun.
KNAVE
They're putting down their names for fear they should forget them before the end of the trial.
ALICE
Stupid things!
WHITE RABBIT
Silence in the court!
JURORS
[_Write in chorus._]
Stupid things!
ONE JUROR
How do you spell stupid?
ALICE
A nice muddle their slates will be in before the trial's over.
QUEEN
There's a pencil squeaking. Cut it down!
JURORS
[_In chorus as they write._]
Squeaking--
KING
[_Wears a crown over his wig; puts on his spectacles as he says._]
Herald, read the accusation!
WHITE RABBIT
[_Blows three blasts on his trumpet, unrolls parchment scroll and reads to music._]
The Queen of Hearts, she made some tarts, All on a summer day; The Knave of Hearts, he stole those tarts, And took them quite away!
KING
Consider your verdict!
WHITE RABBIT
Not yet, not yet; there's a great deal to come before that.
KING
Call the first witness.
WHITE RABBIT
First witness!
HATTER
[_Comes in with a teacup in one hand and a piece of bread and butter in the other._]
I beg your pardon, your Majesty, for bringing these in, but I hadn't quite finished my tea when I was sent for.
KING
You ought to have finished; when did you begin?
HATTER
[_Looks at the MARCH HARE, who follows him arm-in-arm with the DORMOUSE._]
Fourteenth of March, I _think_ it was.
MARCH HARE
Fifteenth.
DORMOUSE
Sixteenth.
KING
Write that down.
JURY
Fourteen, fifteen, sixteen--forty-five. Reduce that to shillings--
KING
Take off your hat.
HATTER
It isn't mine.
KING
_Stolen!_
JURY
Stolen!
HATTER
I keep them to sell. I've none of my own. I'm a hatter.
QUEEN OF HEARTS
[_Puts on her spectacles and stares at HATTER, who fidgets uncomfortably._]
KING
Give your evidence and don't be nervous, or I'll have you executed on the spot.
[_The HATTER continues to shift nervously from one foot to the other, looks uneasily at the QUEEN, trembles so that he shakes off both of his shoes, and in his confusion bites a large piece out of his teacup instead of the bread and butter._]
HATTER
I'm a poor man, your Majesty, and I hadn't but just begun my tea--not above a week or so--and what with the bread and butter getting so thin--and the twinkling of the tea--
KING
The twinkling of _what_?
HATTER
It began with the tea.
KING
Of course twinkling begins with a T. Do you take me for a dunce? Go on!
HATTER
I'm a poor man and most things twinkled after that--only the March Hare said--
MARCH HARE
I didn't!
HATTER
You did.
MARCH HARE
I deny it.
KING
He denies it; leave out that part.
QUEEN
But what did the Dormouse say?
HATTER
That I can't remember.
KING
You _must_ remember or I'll have you executed.
HATTER
[_Drops teacup and bread and butter and goes down on one knee._]
I'm a poor man, your Majesty.
KING
If that's all you know about it you may stand down.
HATTER
I can't go no lower; I'm on the floor as it is.
KING
Then you may sit down.
HATTER
I'd rather finish my tea.
KING
You may go.
[_The HATTER goes out hurriedly, leaving one of his shoes behind._]
QUEEN
[_Nonchalantly to an officer._]
And just take his head off outside.
[_But the HATTER was out of sight before the officer could get to the door._]
KING
Call the next witness!
WHITE RABBIT
Next witness!
[_The DUCHESS enters with a pepper pot, which she shakes about. Everybody begins to sneeze. MARCH HARE sneezes and rushes out._]
KING
Give your evidence!
DUCHESS
Shan't!
WHITE RABBIT
Your Majesty must cross-examine _this_ witness.
KING
Well, if I must, I must. What does your cook say tarts are made of?
DUCHESS
Pepper.
[_The DUCHESS shakes the pot and the court sneezes._]
DORMOUSE
Treacle!
[_The DUCHESS shakes the pot at him. He sneezes for the first time._]
QUEEN
Collar the Dormouse! Behead the Dormouse! Turn that Dormouse out of court! Suppress him! Pinch him! Off with his whiskers!
[_The whole court is in confusion, turning the DORMOUSE out, and while it is settling down again the DUCHESS disappears._]
WHITE RABBIT
The Duchess!
COURT
She's gone--she's gone.
KING
Never mind!
[_In a low tone to the QUEEN._]
Really, my dear, _you_ must cross-examine the next witness. It quite makes my forehead ache! Call the next witness!
WHITE RABBIT
[_Fumbles with the parchment, then cries in a shrill little voice._]
Alice!
ALICE
Here!
KING
What do you know about this business?
ALICE
Nothing whatever.
KING
[_To the jury._]
That's very important.
WHITE RABBIT
_Un_important, your Majesty means, of course.
KING
_Un_important, of course I meant. Important--unimportant--unimportant-- important. Consider your verdict!
[_Some of the jury write "important" and some write "unimportant."_]
WHITE RABBIT
There's more evidence to come yet, please your Majesty; this paper has just been picked up.
QUEEN
What's in it?
WHITE RABBIT
[_Fumbles with a huge envelope._]
I haven't opened it yet, but it seems to be a letter, written by the prisoner to--to somebody.
KING
It must have been that unless it was written to nobody, which isn't usual, you know.
ALICE
Who is it directed to?
WHITE RABBIT
It isn't directed at all; in fact, there's nothing written on the _outside_.
[_Takes out a tiny piece of paper._]
It isn't a letter at all; it's a set of verses.
QUEEN
Are they in the prisoner's handwriting?
[_The jury brightens up._]
WHITE RABBIT
[_Looks at the KNAVE'S hand. KNAVE hides his hand; the chains rattle._]
No, they're not, and that's the queerest thing about it.
[_The jury looks puzzled._]
KING
He must have imitated somebody else's hand!
KNAVE
Please, your Majesty, I didn't write it and they can't prove I did; there's no name signed at the end.
KING
If you didn't sign it that only makes the matter worse. You _must_ have meant some mischief, or else you'd have signed your name like an honest man.
[_At this there is a general clapping of hands._]
QUEEN
That _proves_ his guilt.
ALICE
It proves nothing of the sort! Why, you don't even know what they're about.
KING
Read them!
WHITE RABBIT
[_Puts on his monocle._]
Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?
KING
Begin at the beginning and go on till you come to the end, then stop.
WHITE RABBIT
"They told me you had been to her, And mentioned me to him; She gave me a good character, But said I could not swim.
"I gave her one, they gave him two, You gave us three or more; They all returned from him to you, Though they were mine before.
"My notion was that you had been (Before she had this fit) An obstacle that came between Him, and ourselves, and it.
"Don't let him know she liked him best, For this must ever be A secret, kept from all the rest, Between yourself and me."
KING
That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet; so now let the jury--
ALICE
If anyone of them can explain it, I'll give him sixpence. I don't believe there's an atom of meaning in it.
JURY
She doesn't believe there's an atom of meaning in it.
KING
If there's no meaning in it, that saves a world of trouble, you know, as we needn't try to find any. And yet I don't know.
[_Spreads out the verses on his knee and studies them._]
I seem to see some meaning after all. "Said I could not swim." You can't swim, can you?
KNAVE
[_Shakes his head sadly and points to his suit._]
Do I look like it?
KING
All right, so far; "We know it to be true," that's the jury, of course; "I gave her one, they gave him two" why that must be what he did with the tarts, you know--
ALICE
But it goes on "they all returned from _him_ to _you_."
KING
[_Triumphantly pointing to the tarts._]
Why, there they are! Nothing can be clearer than that. Then again, "before she had this fit," you never had fits, my dear, I think?
QUEEN
Never!
KING
Then the words don't _fit_ you.
[_There is dead silence, while the KING looks around at the court with a smile._]
KING
It's a pun!
[_Everybody laughs. Music._]
KING
Let the jury consider their verdict.
QUEEN
No, no! Sentence first--verdict afterwards.
ALICE
Stuff and nonsense!
QUEEN
[_Furiously._]
Hold your tongue!
ALICE
I won't!
QUEEN
Off with her head!
ALICE
Who cares for you?
QUEEN
Cut it off!
ALICE
You're nothing but a pack of cards!
[_As lights go out and curtain falls all the characters hold their positions as if petrified._]
CURTAIN