SCENE ONE

_Is a garden of high, very conventional and artificial looking flowers. On a large mushroom sits the CATERPILLAR smoking a hookah. ALICE is whirling about trying to get her equilibrium after her fall. She goes to the mushroom timidly and, conscious of her size, for her chin reaches the top of the mushroom, she gazes at the CATERPILLAR wonderingly. He looks at her lazily and speaks in a languid voice._

CATERPILLAR

Who are you?

ALICE

I--I hardly know, sir, just at present. The Queen frightened me so and I've had an awfully funny fall down a tunnel or a sort of well. At least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.

CATERPILLAR

What do you mean by that? Explain yourself.

ALICE

I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself, you see. Being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.

CATERPILLAR

You! Who are you?

ALICE

I think you ought to tell me who you are, first.

CATERPILLAR

Why?

[_As ALICE turns away._]

Come back. I've something important to say.

[_ALICE comes back._]

Keep your temper.

ALICE

Is that all?

CATERPILLAR

No.

[_He puffs at the hookah in silence; finally takes it out of his mouth and unfolds his arms._]

So you think you're changed, do you?

ALICE

I'm afraid I am, Sir; I don't keep the same size.

CATERPILLAR

What size do you want to be?

ALICE

I don't know. At least I've never been so small as a caterpillar.

CATERPILLAR

[_Rears angrily._]

It is a very good height indeed.

ALICE

But I'm not used to it; I wish you wouldn't all be so easily offended.

CATERPILLAR

You'll get used to it in time.

ALICE

Are you too big or am I too small?

[_She compares her height wonderingly with the tall flowers._]

CATERPILLAR

[_Looks at her sleepily, yawns, shakes himself, slides down from the mushroom and crawls slowly away._]

One side will make you grow taller, and the other side will make you grow shorter.

ALICE

One side of what? The other side of what?

CATERPILLAR

Of the mushroom.

[_ALICE hesitates, then embraces mushroom and picks bit from each side._]

[_Three gardeners representing spades enter carrying brushes and red paint cans._]

TWO-SPOT

Look out now, Five. Don't go splashing paint over me like that.

FIVE-SPOT

I couldn't help it. Seven jogged my elbow.

SEVEN-SPOT

That's right, Five, always lay the blame on others.

FIVE-SPOT

You'd better not talk. I heard the Queen say only yesterday you deserved to be beheaded.

TWO-SPOT

What for?

SEVEN-SPOT

That's none of your business, Two.

FIVE-SPOT

Yes, it is his business, and I'll tell him. It was for bringing the cook tulip roots instead of onions.

SEVEN-SPOT

Well, of all the unjust things--

[_Sees ALICE; others look around, all bow._]

ALICE

Could you please tell me what side to eat?

[_FIVE and SEVEN look at TWO._]

TWO-SPOT

I don't know anything about it.

[_He paints a white rose, red._]

You ought to have been red, we put you in by mistake, and if the Queen was to find it out we should all have our heads cut off.

[_A thumping is heard off stage and the music grows louder and louder._]

ALICE

What's that?

FIVE-SPOT

The White Chess Queen.

SEVEN-SPOT

Don't let her see what we are doing.

TWO-SPOT

She'll tell on us.

SEVEN-SPOT

Run out and stop her from coming here.

FIVE-SPOT

[_To ALICE as she runs to the right._]

No, no, the other way.

ALICE

But she's off there!

TWO-SPOT

You can only meet her by walking the other way.

ALICE

Oh! what nonsense.

ALL THE GARDENERS

Go the other way!

ALICE

[_Re-enters in dismay and dashes out to the left._]

She's running away from me.

[_The WHITE QUEEN backs in from right and ALICE backs in from left. They meet. The gardeners cry "The Queen" and throw themselves flat upon the ground; their backs are like the backs of the rest of the pack. Music stops. ALICE looks at the QUEEN curiously._]

ALICE

Oh, there you are! Why, I'm just the size I was when I saw you last.

WHITE QUEEN

Of course you are, and who are these? I can't tell them by their backs.

[_She turns them over with her foot._]

Turn over. Ah! I thought so! Get up! What have you been doing here?

TWO-SPOT

May it please your Majesty, we were trying--

WHITE QUEEN

[_Examines rose._]

I see! Begone, or I'll send the horses after you, and tell the Queen of Hearts.

[_GARDENERS rush off. The RED QUEEN enters. ALICE has gone to the mushroom again to look at its sides and there to her amazement finds a gold crown and scepter, which she immediately appropriates. Music. The QUEENS watch ALICE superciliously. ALICE puts on her crown, proudly exclaiming in great elation, "Queen Alice," and walks down stage bowing right and left to the homage of imaginary subjects. She repeats as if scarcely daring to believe it true, "Queen Alice." Music stops._]

RED QUEEN

Ridiculous!

ALICE

Isn't this the Eighth Square?

RED QUEEN

You can't be a Queen, you know, till you've passed the proper examination.

WHITE QUEEN

The sooner we begin it, the better.

ALICE

Please, would you tell me--

RED QUEEN

Speak when you're spoken to.

ALICE

But if everybody obeyed that rule, and if you only spoke when you were spoken to, and the other person always waited for you to begin, you see nobody would ever say anything, so that--

RED QUEEN

Preposterous.

ALICE

I only said "if."

RED QUEEN

She says she only said "if."

WHITE QUEEN

[_Moans and wrings her hands._]

But she said a great deal more than that. Ah, yes, so much more than that.

RED QUEEN

So you did, you know; always speak the truth--think before you speak--and write it down afterwards.

ALICE

I'm sure I didn't mean--

RED QUEEN

That's just what I complained of. You _should_ have meant! What do you suppose is the use of a child without any meaning? Even a joke should have some meaning--and a child's more important than a joke, I hope. You couldn't deny that, even if you tried with both hands.

ALICE

I don't deny things with my _hands_.

RED QUEEN

Nobody said you did. I said you couldn't if you tried.

WHITE QUEEN

She's in that state of mind, that she wants to deny _something_--only she doesn't know what to deny!

RED QUEEN

A nasty, vicious temper. I invite you to Alice's dinner party this afternoon.

WHITE QUEEN

And I invite _you_.

ALICE

I didn't know I was to have a party at all; but if there is to be one, I think I ought to invite the guests.

RED QUEEN

We gave you the opportunity of doing it, but I dare say you've not had many lessons in manners yet.

ALICE

Manners are not taught in lessons; lessons teach you to do sums, and things of that sort.

WHITE QUEEN

Can you do addition? What's one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one and one?

ALICE

I don't know. I lost count.

RED QUEEN

She can't do addition; can you do subtraction? Take nine from eight.

ALICE

Nine from eight I can't, you know, but--

WHITE QUEEN

She can't do subtraction. Can you do division? Divide a loaf by a knife--what's the answer to that?

ALICE

I suppose--

RED QUEEN

[_Answers for her._]

Bread and butter, of course. Try another subtraction sum. Take a bone from a dog; what remains?

ALICE

The bone wouldn't remain, of course, if I took it--and the dog wouldn't remain; it would come to bite me--and I'm sure I shouldn't remain.

RED QUEEN

Then you think nothing would remain?

ALICE

I think that's the answer.

RED QUEEN

Wrong as usual; the dog's temper would remain.

ALICE

But I don't see how--

RED QUEEN

Why, look here; the dog would lose its temper, wouldn't it?

ALICE

Perhaps it would.

RED QUEEN

Then if the dog went away, its temper would remain!

ALICE

They might go different ways! What dreadful nonsense we _are_ talking.

BOTH QUEENS

She can't do sums a bit!

ALICE

Can _you_ do sums?

WHITE QUEEN

I can do addition, if you give me time--but I can't do _subtraction_ under _any_ circumstances.

RED QUEEN

Of course you know your A, B, C?

ALICE

To be sure I do.

WHITE QUEEN

So do I; we'll often say it over together, dear. And I'll tell you a secret--I can read words of one letter. Isn't that grand? However, don't be discouraged. You'll come to it in time.

RED QUEEN

Can you answer useful questions? How is bread made?

ALICE

I know _that_! You take some flour--

WHITE QUEEN

Where do you pick the flower? In a garden or in the hedges?

ALICE

Well, it isn't _picked_ at all. It's ground--

WHITE QUEEN

How many acres of ground? You mustn't leave out so many things.

RED QUEEN

Fan her head! She'll be feverish after so much thinking.

[_They fan her with bunches of leaves which blow her hair wildly._]

ALICE

Please--please--

RED QUEEN

She's all right again now. Do you know languages? What's the French for fiddle-de-dee?

ALICE

Fiddle-de-dee's not English.

RED QUEEN

Who ever said it was?

ALICE

If you tell me what language fiddle-de-dee is, I'll tell you the French for it!

RED QUEEN

Queens never make bargains!

ALICE

I wish Queens never asked questions!

WHITE QUEEN

Don't let us quarrel; what is the cause of lightning?

ALICE

The cause of lightning is the thunder--no, no! I meant the other way.

RED QUEEN

It's too late to correct it; when you've once said a thing, that fixes it, and you must take the consequences.

WHITE QUEEN

We had _such_ a thunderstorm next Tuesday, you can't think.

RED QUEEN

She _never_ could, you know.

WHITE QUEEN

Part of the roof came off, and ever so much thunder got in--and it went rolling round the room in great lumps--and knocking over the tables and things--till I was so frightened, I couldn't remember my own name!

ALICE

I never should _try_ to remember my name in the middle of an accident. Where would be the use of it?

RED QUEEN

You must excuse her. She means well, but she can't help saying foolish things, as a general rule. She never was really well brought up, but it's amazing how good tempered she is! Pat her on the head, and see how pleased she'll be! A little kindness and putting her hair in papers would do wonders with her.

WHITE QUEEN

[_Gives a deep sigh and leans her head on ALICE'S shoulder._]

I _am_ so sleepy!

RED QUEEN

She's tired, poor thing; smooth her hair--lend her your night cap--and sing her a soothing lullaby.

ALICE

I haven't got a night cap with me, and I don't know any soothing lullabies.

RED QUEEN

I must do it myself, then.

Hush-a-by lady, in Alice's lap! Till the feast's ready, we've time for a nap; When the feast's over, we'll go to the ball-- Red Queen and White Queen and Alice and all!

And now you know the words.

[_She puts her head on ALICE'S other shoulder._]

Just sing it through to _me_. I'm getting sleepy too.

[_Both queens fall fast asleep and snore loudly._]

ALICE

What _am_ I to do? Take care of two Queens asleep at once? Do wake up, you heavy things!

[_All lights go out, leaving a mysterious glow on ALICE and the queens._]

WHITE RABBIT

[_Blows trumpet off stage._]

The trial's beginning!

ALICE

What trial is it?

WHITE RABBIT

Who stole the tarts.

ALICE

I ate a tart.

WHITE RABBIT

You've got to be tried.

ALICE

I don't want to be tried.

WHITE RABBIT

You've got to be tried.

ALICE

I won't be tried--I won't-I won't!