Part 3

* * * You tell me to speak to you of _my_ happiness--our happiness. You will understand the feeling which made me silent towards you, my own clear bereaved Mother, on that point; but you are unselfish and loving and can enter into my happiness, though I could never have been the first to tell you how intense it is, when it must draw the painful contrast between your past and present existence. If I say I love my dear husband, that is scarcely enough--it is a love and esteem which increases daily, hourly; which he also shows to me by such consideration, such tender loving ways. What was life before to what it has become now? There is such blessed peace being at his side, being his wife; there is such a feeling of security; and we two have a world of our own when we are together, which _nothing_ can touch or intrude upon. My lot is indeed a blessed one; and yet what have I done to deserve that warm, ardent love, which my darling Louis ever shows me? I admire his good and noble heart more than I can say. How he loves me, you know, and he will be a good son to you. He reads to me every day out of “Westward Ho,” which I think very beautiful and interesting.

This morning I breakfasted alone, as he went out with his regiment. I always feel quite impatient until I hear his step coming up-stairs, and see his dear face when he returns.

Yesterday, and the previous night, I thought of you constantly, and of our last journey together to dear Balmoral. Sad, painful though it was, I liked so much being with you, trying to bear some of your load of sorrow with you. From here I share all as if I were really by your side; and I think so many fervent prayers cannot be offered to a merciful loving God without His sending alleviation and comfort.

Please remember me to Grant, Brown, and all of them at home in dear Scotland, and tell them how much I wish, and Louis also, that we were there, changed though every thing is.

July 25th.

* * * People say we may still have the Palais, but I doubt it. I am going to tell the Grand Duke that we return to England in autumn (not only for your sake, but principally because I do not wish to incommode our parents any longer, and because in the winter we could not even receive people here).

The only thing I shall regret in our not remaining here is, that the people feel it so much, and they are most kind; but they will see and understand that it cannot be otherwise, and that it does not arise from ill will on our part.

* * * Cecile and Michael[16] were here yesterday, so kind and so full of real sympathy toward you, which they begged me to express to you. He has such warm feelings; and they admired and loved dear Papa, though they saw him but little.

DARMSTADT, August 1st.

* * * My heart feels ready to burst when I think of such sorrow as yours. I pray my adored Louis may long be spared to me. If you only knew how dear, how loving he is to me, and how he watches over me, dear darling!

To-morrow we go to Coburg, which was an old promise. Dear Uncle sent only two days ago to say he left Coburg on the 5th, and would we not come before? You will understand that, happy beyond measure as I am to go there, a lump always comes into my throat when I think of it--going for the first time with Louis to dear Papa’s house, where but recently he showed us every thing himself.[17] Dear Mama, I think I can scarcely bear it--the thought seems so hard and cruel. He told us as children so much of Coburg, spoke to us of it with such childlike affection, enjoyed so much telling us every anecdote connected with each spot; and now these silent spots seem to plead for his absence.

To see the old Baron [Stockmar] will be a great happiness, and that Louis should make his acquaintance.

CALENBERG BEI COBURG, August 4th.

Once more in dear Coburg, and you can fancy with what feelings. Every thing reminds me of beloved Papa and of our last happy visit.

We are living here, and yesterday we spent all the afternoon and dined at the Rosenau. It was a lovely day, and the view so beautiful. We went all over the house and walked about in the grounds. We walked to dear Papa’s little garden, and I picked two flowers there for you, which I enclose.

Every spot brought up the remembrance of something dear Papa had told us of his childhood; it made me so sad, I can’t tell you. Uncle Ernest was also sad, but so kind and affectionate, and they both seemed so pleased at our having come.

Every thing about dear Papa’s illness, and then of the sad end, I had to tell. I lived the whole dreadful time over again, and wonder, whilst I speak of it, that we ever lived through it.

At nine o’clock church service was in the pretty little chapel. Holzei read, and Superintendent Meyer preached a most beautiful sermon, the text being where our Saviour told his disciples they must become as a little child to enter into the kingdom of heaven. He spoke with his usual fervor, and it was most impressive. I saw him afterward, and he enquired very much after you.

We are going after breakfast to the Festung, and then Louis and I are going to see the dear Baron [Stockmar].

DARMSTADT, August 6th.

DEAR BELOVED MAMA:--Can you give me no ray of hope that you in some way, bodily or mentally, feel better? It makes my heart ache bitterly, to hear those sad accounts you give of yourself, though I well know what for you life without _him_ must be! God comfort you! is my constant prayer.

We saw the dear old Baron for some time. The meeting was sad on both sides; he was very kind, but so desponding as to every thing! In England and abroad he looks at every thing in a black light, and was full of complaints about himself. He asked much after you, and is anxious to see you again.

August 9th.

Next Monday we are going to Auerbach, to live there for a little time. It lies in the Bergstrasse, and is very healthy. The Grand Duke allows us to inhabit one of the houses.

August 16th.

How I long to read what Mr. Helps has written about Papa! What can it be but beautiful and elevating, if he has rightly entered into the spirit of that pure and noble being?[18]

Oh, Mama! the longing I sometimes have for dear Papa surpasses all bounds. In thought he is ever present and near me; still we are but mortals, and as such at times long for him also. Dear, good Papa! Take courage, dear Mama, and feel strong in the thought that you require all your moral and physical strength to continue the journey which brings you daily nearer to _Home_ and to _Him_! I know how weary you feel, how you long to rest your head on his dear shoulder, to have him to soothe your aching heart. You will find this rest again, and how blessed will it not be! Bear patiently and courageously your heavy burden, and it will lighten imperceptibly as you near him, and God’s love and mercy will support you. Oh, could my feeble words bring you the least comfort! They come from a trusting, true, and loving heart, if from naught else.

AUERBACH, August 16th.

* * * We do feel for you so deeply and would wish so much to help you, but there is but One who can do that, and you know whom to seek. He will give you strength to live on till the bright day of reunion. * * *

AUERBACH, August 21st.

* * * Our visit to Giessen[19] went off very well. The people were most loyal. We went to see the Gymnasts, and Louis walked about amongst them, which pleased them very much. He is very popular there, and I am very glad we both went, for it made a good impression.

We drove to Louis’ property, Stauffenberg, a beautiful (alas! ruined) castle, which by degrees he is having restored, and which will be a charming house for us, if it is finished, which can only be done gradually.

AUERBACH, August 23d.

* * * Try and gather in the few bright things you have remaining and cherish them, for though faint, yet they are types of that infinite joy still to come. I am sure, dear Mama, the more you try to appreciate and to find the good in that which God in His love has _left_ you, the more worthy you will daily become of that which is in store. That earthly happiness you had is indeed gone forever, but you must not think that every ray of it has left you. You have the privilege, which dear Papa knew so well how to value, in your exalted position, of doing good and living for others, of carrying on his plans, his wishes into fulfilment, and as you go on doing your duty, this will, this must, I feel sure, bring you peace and comfort. Forgive me, darling Mama, if I speak so openly; but my love for you is such that I cannot be silent, when I long so fervently to give you some slight comfort and hope in your present life.

I have known and watched your deep sorrow with a sympathizing, though aching heart. Do not think that absence from you can still that pain. My love for you is strong, is constant; I would like to shelter you in my arms, to protect you from all future anxiety, to still your aching longing! My own sweet Mama, you know I would give my life for you, could I alter what you have to bear!

_Trust in God!_ ever and constantly. In _my_ life I feel that to be my stay and my strength, and the feeling increases as the days go on. My thoughts of the future are bright, and this always helps to make the minor worries and sorrows of the present dissolve before the warm rays of that light which is our guide.

AUERBACH, August 25th.

* * * To-day is the Ludwigstag, a day kept throughout the country, and on which every Ludwig receives presents, etc.; but we spend it quite quietly. Louis’ parents and the others are coming to breakfast, and remain during the day. Louis is out riding. We always get up early. He rides whilst I write, and we then walk together and breakfast somewhere out of doors.

We went to the little church here yesterday, which is very old, and they sang so well.

I drew out of doors also, as it was very fine; but it is very difficult, as it is all green, and the trees are my misfortune, as I draw them so badly. I play sometimes with Christa[20]; she plays very well.

August 26th [Prince Consort’s Birthday].

With a heavy heart do I take up my pen to write to you to-day--this dear day, now so sad, save through its bright recollections. I cannot bear to think of it now, with no one to bring our wishes to, with that painful silence where such mirth and gaiety used to be. It is very hard to bear, and the first anniversary is like the commencement of a new epoch in our deep sorrow.

When your dear present was brought to me this morning, I could not take my eyes from it, though they were blinded with tears. Oh, those beautiful, those loved features! There wants but his kind look and word to make the picture alive! Thousand thanks for it, dear Mama.

How trying this day will be for you! My thoughts are constantly with you, and I envy the privilege the others have in being near you and being able to do the least thing for you.

The sun shines brightly in the still blue sky; how bright and peaceful it must be where our dear Spirit dwells, if it is already so beautiful here.

September 5th.

* * * Two days ago Louis and I went to Worms. Whilst he went to his regiment, which the Grand Duke came to inspect, I went to the Dom, which is most beautiful; and then went in a little boat on the Rhine, which was charming. It took us, driving, an hour and a half from Auerbach to Worms.

AUERBACH, September 7th.

* * * For Louis’ birthday we are going to Darmstadt; it is getting cold and damp here, and the house is small. We take our meals in another house, and it is cold to walk over there of an evening. Think of us on the 12th. It was such a happy day last year.[21]

I have such _Heimweh_ [yearning] after beloved Papa; it is dreadful sometimes when I think of him and of our home. But he is so happy in his bright home, could we but catch a glimpse of him there. Dear Grandmama [the Duchess of Kent], too, is constantly in my thoughts lately. I can see her before me--so dear, kind, and merry. As time goes on, such things only mingle themselves more vividly with one’s usual life; for it is their _life_ which is nearest us again, and not their _death_, which casts such a gloom over their remembrance.

AUERBACH, September 11th.

* * * How beautiful Heidelberg is! we went all over the Castle, and with such glorious weather. There is one side still standing, built and decorated by a pupil of Michael Angelo, which dear Papa admired so much. How do I miss not being able to talk to beloved Papa of all I see, hear, feel, and think! His absence makes such a gap in my existence.

DARMSTADT, October 13th.

* * * Our visit to Baden was charming, and dear Fritz and Louise[22] so kind! Louis and I were both delighted by our visit. The Queen, the Duchess of Hamilton, and Grand Duchess Hélène were there, besides dear Aunt [Princess Hohenlohe], and Countess Blücher. The two latter, dear and precious as ever.

We left yesterday morning; spent three hours with Grand Duchess Sophie, who is the most agreeable, clever, amiable person one can imagine. It gave me real pleasure to make her acquaintance. Aunt Feodore’s house, though small, is really very pretty, and her rooms are hung full of pictures. I saw Winterhalter also, in his lovely new house, which he has gone and sold, saying it was too good for him. He has painted a most beautiful picture of the Grand Duchess Hélène--quite speaking.

* * * I am going to make my will before leaving. I do not like leaving (for England) without having done something.

DARMSTADT, October 17th.

First of all, thousand thanks from Louis and me for your having allowed dear Arthur[23] to come with us. I cannot tell you what pleasure it has been to me to have that dear child a little bit. He has won all hearts, and I am so proud when they admire my little brother, who is a mixture of you and adored Papa.

DARMSTADT, October 23d.

* * * We intend probably leaving this on Saturday, the 8th, remaining until the 10th at Coblenz, from whence we go direct in eleven hours and three-quarters to Antwerp, leaving Antwerp the morning of the 12th, to reach Windsor that evening or the next morning.

We always continue reading together, and have read _Hypatia_, a most beautiful, most interesting, and very learned and clever book, which requires great attention.

I have the great bore to read the newspapers every day, which I must do; see Dr. Becker[24] from eleven to twelve; then I write, and have constantly people to see, so that I have scarcely any time to draw or to play. I also read serious book to myself.

Louis would like to go to Leeds and Manchester from Osborne, as he wants to go to London from Windsor. I shall accompany him sometimes.

October 25th.

As you come later to Windsor, we shall not leave till the 10th, remain the 11th with the Queen, then go direct to Antwerp. If the weather is bad we shall wait. Then on the 14th or 15th we shall be at Windsor, which we prefer to coming to Osborne. We hope this will suit you.

_All_ are full of lamentations at our departure, and for so long, which is most natural; but they are very kind. We have a family dinner in our little room to-day, which is large enough for a few people. The Grand Duke has quite lost his heart to Arthur, and Bertie [Prince of Wales] pleased him also very much.

In talking together last night, Louis said what I feel so often, that he always felt as if it must come right again some time, and we should find dear Papa home again. In another _home_ we shall.

October 30th.

The Grand Duke was quite overcome when I gave him the photographs, and with Baby’s [Princess Beatrice’s] he is quite enchanted, and wishes me to tell you how grateful he is, and how much he thanks you. You cannot think _how_ pleased he was, and the more so that _you_ sent them him. He has a warm heart and feels very much for you, and takes a warm interest in all my brothers and sisters.

I am glad you are going to see dear Fritz of Baden; he will be so pleased. We shall see Louise at Coblenz.

The plans for our house have come, and even the simplest is far above what we poor mortals can build.

November 6th.

* * * Yesterday, Mrs. Combe, widow of George Combe and daughter of Mrs. Siddons, came to see me and was with me some time. She is a clever, amiable old lady. It gave me such pleasure to see and talk with her. Will you tell Sir James Clark so, as she is an old friend of his.

1863.

Each visit to her old home seemed to give fresh life to Princess Alice, and it can therefore be easily understood how great her happiness was at being again under her mother’s roof and care, there to await the realization of her fondest hopes.

It was also a great comfort to the Princess to spend the first anniversary of her father’s death with her family around her.

On the 18th of December, 1862, the remains of the Prince Consort were placed in a temporary sarcophagus, in the centre of the newly-erected mausoleum at Frogmore in the presence of the Prince of Wales, Prince Arthur, Prince Leopold, and Prince Louis of Hesse.

Prince Louis occupied much of his time during his long stay in England in making a number of interesting visits to the chief industrial centres, and to military arsenals and depots.

Princess Alice met with a carriage accident on the last day of the old year, which happily was followed by no bad consequences.

On the 10th of March, 1863, the Prince of Wales was married to the Princess Alexandra of Denmark, at St. George’s Chapel, Windsor Castle, in the presence of the whole Royal family. It was the first Royal marriage which had been celebrated in that chapel since the marriage of Henry I., in 1122.

Soon after, on Easter Sunday, the 5th of April, 1863, Princess Louis of Hesse gave birth to a daughter at Windsor Castle. This event was made known next day at Darmstadt by the firing of twenty-one guns. The best possible news continued to be received of the well-doing of mother and child.

The little Princess was christened on the 27th of April, at Windsor, by the Hessian Court chaplain, Bender. She received the names of Victoria Alberta Elizabeth Matilda. The Princes Alexander and Henry of Hesse represented the Grand Ducal family at the christening.

Princess Alice completed her recovery during a stay at Osborne in May, and while there was able to accompany the Queen on a visit to the Military Hospital at Netley.

After a short stay in London, Prince and Princess Louis of Hesse and their little daughter returned to Darmstadt. They spent the summer months at Kranichstein, a shooting-lodge near Darmstadt, belonging to the Grand Duke. The Princess employed her time in becoming better acquainted with her adopted country, its inhabitants, their customs, and ways of thinking.

The Congress of German Potentates and Princes at Frankfort, in August, brought the Princess in contact with many crowned heads. She proved herself her father’s true child in regard to politics. The Prince Consort had always longed for an united Germany, with Prussia at its head, and a Liberal constitution. Princess Alice’s letters will show how truly German her feelings were in the Schleswig-Holstein question, which at that time, owing to the death of King Frederick VII. of Denmark, and the claims made by his successor, King Christian IX., to the succession in the Duchies also, assumed a European interest, and led to consequences of permanent importance in the history of Europe. The accounts of the manner in which the Prince and Princess Louis endeavored to fulfil their social duties throw a significant light upon the way in which the young Princess discharged her duties as the mistress of her home.

In August the Princess met Queen Victoria at Coburg; and afterward had the happiness of receiving Her Majesty and her sisters Hélèna, Louise and Beatrice, and her brother Alfred, on a short visit at Kranichstein.

A few weeks later the Prince and Princess with their child joined the Queen at Balmoral, where nearly all the members of the Royal family were assembled.

In November they returned to Darmstadt, where, during their absence, the new palace had made rapid progress, and was roofed in. It was built on a site given by the Grand Duke, and after plans designed by the Princess herself. The arrangement of the interior was entirely carried out by herself in a manner both practical and artistic.

In December, Prince Louis’ only sister, Anna, was engaged to be married to the Grand Duke of Mecklenburg-Schwerin, an event which gave great satisfaction at the time. The Princess spent her first Christmas in Germany this year--1863.

MARLBOROUGH HOUSE, May 14th.

DEAREST MAMA:--Our parting this morning was most painful to both of us--from you to whom we _owe_ so much, and whom we love so dearly.

May God comfort and support you, beloved Mama, on your sad and weary pilgrimage!

MARLBOROUGH HOUSE, May 16th.

I could not get your dear face and your sweet voice out of my mind for an instant, and everywhere I thought I must see you or dear Papa. It seemed so strange; I had the tears in my eyes all day. The worst was the opera, for I had never been without you or Papa, and all was the same and yet so different. It was very trying to me; and so will the drawing-room be to-day. * * * I saw Lady Jocelyn, Duchess of Manchester, Sir Charles Locock, and Lord Alfred Paget, to show them baby, and all find her like what we all were. How much _we_ have to thank for in her name. Your affection for her and all you have done for her have touched us more than I can say. It seemed to me quite wrong to take her from you.

On Wednesday, Alix [Princess of Wales] and myself go to the studios. This morning we drove in Battersea Park.

May 19th.

* * * The drawing-room was long, but Alix and I were not so tired, considering the length of time, for we stood, excepting twenty minutes, in the middle, when there was a block and the people could not come.

In to-day’s letter you mention again your wish that we should soon be with you again. Out of the ten months of our married life five have been spent under your roof, so you see how ready we are to be with you. Before next year Louis does not think we shall be able to come; at any rate when we can we shall, and I hope we shall be able to see you for a day or two in Germany to divide the time.

DARMSTADT, May 23d.

* * * Baby[25] has been so much admired, and all the clothes you gave her.

DARMSTADT, May.

I sha’n’t have time to write more than a few words, as we have just returned from church and are going to Mayence till Wednesday. The Grand Duke came all the way to Kranichstein yesterday to go about with us, and see how to arrange it comfortably. He is most kind, and sat an hour with me.