Chapter 6

It is, true there is a Council consisting of a great Number of Persons, in whose Name all great Affairs relating to the Civil Government are transacted, the Members of which Council are call'd _Bable-Cypherians_; but it is no Secret, that the first Minister causes whom he pleases to sit in this Council, as well as turns out any Person he dislikes; and while I was amongst them, there happen'd some Instances of what I maintain; and he contrived to have several whom he suspected of being Enemies to his Family, or to his Administration, to be disgraced from the said Council, and others appointed in their Places: Nay, I have often seen several worthless Birds paying their Court to the first Minister, and solliciting him to be admitted into the Great Council, in the same manner that they begg'd for an Employment; yet at the same time, if you were to talk to a _Cacklogallinian_, he wou'd pretend to persuade you, that no Fowl of any Rank or Quality whatsoever can ever sit in the said Council, but by the Majority of free Voices of Persons who are his Equals. But as I oserv'd before, they are so possess'd with a Spirit of boasting, that when they talk of themselves, there is no Regard to be had to any thing they say.

What is most remarkable is, that Hens as well as Cocks frequently stand Candidates to be Members of the said Council, and especially those who are distinguish'd by the Name of _Squabbaws_; and tho' the important Affairs of managing their Amours takes up so much of their Time, that they have but little Leisure to attend such publick Affairs, yet they very much influence what passes there, especially the Court _Squabbaws_, whom I have frequently seen to receive Presents from Persons who had Matters to lay before the said Council. When this happened, it was their Custom to send for my Friend the first Minister, and instruct him how they would have the thing done; upon which Occasions they designedly absented themselves from the said Council, that by their not appearing to favour or oppose such things, the Bribery might not be suspected; and it generally pass'd as well without them, for my good Patron who carried it so loftily to the rest of the World, was nevertheless extreamly their Slave.

As to their Laws, which they pretend to be the best and wisest of any in the World, they are, in Effect, a Source of continual Plague and Vexation to the Subject, which is owing to many Causes, but principally to this, that when a new Law is agreed to pass, the great Council generally appoint such amongst them as are Lawyers by Profession, to word it, or (as we say) to draw it up, who always, in Order to promote the Business of their own Profession, contrive it in ambiguous Terms; so that there is a double Meaning runs thro' every Sentence. This furnishes eternal Matter of Dispute betwixt Party and Party, and at the same time gives the _Caja_ (for so they call a Judge) a Power of putting what Construction he pleases upon the Law. I have my self been frequently present, when the _Caja_ has been sitting to hear and determine Causes, and have observ'd, that when the _Cacklogallinian_ Advocates have been setting forth the Merit of their Cause, and one of them has produced a Precedent, to shew, that such a _Caja_ in former Times, put such a Construction upon such a Law, yet the _Caja_ then presiding has determined the thing quite otherwise, giving for a Reason, _That might be his Opinion, but this is ours._

Upon the whole, the Property of private Birds, which they would make you believe was much safer amongst them, than under any other Government in the World, appeared to me to stand upon a very precarious Foot, since it was always at the Mercy of the Law, and the most cunning and sagacious amongst them could never pretend to be sure what Law was: Nay, it was often found by Experience, that what was Law one Day amongst them, was not so another; so that I could not help thinking, that whenever Party and Party differr'd concerning Matters of Property, the least expensive, and most prudent Method would have been, to have referr'd the Decision of the Cause to some Game of Hazard.

This Ambiguity of the Law makes a corrupt _Caja_ a terrible Plague to the Subject; and it is a Plague which they have often felt, as I found, by consulting their Annals; for frequently, under bad Ministers, Birds have been chosen out for _Caja_'s, not for their Integrity or Knowledge, but for their Obsequiousness to the Commands of those who chose them; and my Patron, the first Minister, was censured for endeavouring to corrupt, and making them as bad as he could. By which Means, and by retaining Spies in the Houses of all Fowl of great Interest and Figure in their Country, it was reported he awed them from attempting any Measures against his Interest, or that of his Family, and that he had threaten'd several with Confiscation and Banishment, when he found them attempting to introduce better Schemes than his own, because such Proceedings might tend to overthrow him.

But this I speak from common Report; for I cannot give any Instances of Corruption in any of the _Caja_'s from my own personal Knowledge; for I conceived so dreadful a Notion of their Laws, that I endeavoured to avoid all Converse with any who belong'd to it.

How often have I reflected on the Happiness of my dear Country, in that Liberty there enjoy'd, where none are oppress'd by Force, or allured by Bribes, to give up their native Freedom; where a self-interested and designing Minister is sure to answer for his Administration to a Parliament freely chosen, consisting of Gentlemen of publick Spirits, Honour, known Probity and Wisdom; whose Fortunes put them above a servile Dependence; who have an Eye to nothing but the publick Good, and exact from the Ministers a just Account of the _Publick Treasure_! When I have seen the Fowl of Honour thrust out to make Place for a Sycophant, Court paid to Pandars and lewd Hens, and no Posts disposed of, but thro' the Interest of Lust; how often, _Britain_, have I congratulated thy Happiness, where Virtue is rewarded, Vice discountenanc'd and punish'd; where the Man of Merit is provided for, and not oblig'd to pay a Levee to the kept Mistress of a Statesman; and where the Ignorant, Pusillanimous, and Vicious, however distinguish'd by Birth and Fortune, are held in Contempt, and never admitted to publick Employment!

When among the _Cacklogallinians_ Taxes are laid, the Money is brought into the publick Treasury, of which the Minister keeps the Keys: He lets this Money out upon Pawns, at an exorbitant Interest. If an inferior Agent is to pass his Accounts, he must share the Pillage with the Minister, and some few Heads of the Grand Council. I knew one paid him Three Hundred Thousand _Rackfantassines_, equal to a Hundred Thousand Pounds Sterling, which he computed was about one Third of his Acquisition; and Birds of most abandon'd Reputations are sometimes put into Places of Profit, which, like Spunges, suck all they can, and are easily squeezed again.

As to their Trade, they have, of late Years, lost some of the most advantageous Parts of it to the _Cormorants_, which perhaps might be brought about by several that were _Cormorants_ by Birth, who found Means of working themselves into the Management of their publick Affairs. They seem to endeavour all they can, (for what Policy I know not) to encourage the young _Cacklogallinian_ Nobility and Gentry, in a Contempt of Religion, and in all Debauchery, perhaps to render them supine and thoughtless; and bringing them up without Principle, they may be fit Tools to work the enslaving their Country.

They are extremely severe in their military Discipline: A Soldier, for a trifling Fault, shall have all the Feathers stripp'd off his Back, and a corroding Plaister clapp'd on, which will eat to the Bones in a small Space of Time. For a capital Crime, every one in the Regiment is ordered to peck him as he's ty'd to a Post, till he dies. I have seen one who was condemn'd to this Death have Part of his Entrails torn out of his Side in a few Pecks.

Whoever speaks against the Ministry, is purged or vomited so severely, that he sometimes dies. Even Want of Complaisance to any menial Servant of a Minister, is esteem'd an Affront to his Master, and punish'd by a Year's Imprisonment; but a Slight put on any of the _Squabbaws_, is so heinous, that the Offender is punish'd, as for the highest Scandal. Sometimes it has happened, that Persons Question'd and Convicted for Fraud, Bribery, or other Crimes, by some Turn of Fortune having better'd their Circumstances, have afterwards been raised to Posts of Honour and Trust, and afterwards growing more wealthy, have been look'd upon with the same Esteem as the most worthy. I've known a Sharper, who could neither write nor read, made a _Battano_, in _English_, a Judge Advocate; and what rais'd him was his Dexterity at _Gestaro_, which is like the Play our School-boys divert themselves with, call'd _Hussle-cap_.

Tho' they have a Standing Army, yet the _Cacklogallinians_ are all inlisted, and obliged to serve (in case of an Invasion) without Pay. They have no fortify'd Places, they being look'd upon as a Refuge for Malecontents, except only the imperial Palace. The Reader may wonder how any Place can be fortified against those who can fly over the highest Walls; I must therefore inform him, that their strong Holds have all the open Places cover'd with Canvass stretch'd from Side to Side; upon which is strew'd an Herb so venemous, that, in six Hours after it has been expos'd to the Sun, it emits so pestiferous a Stench, that no Fowl can approach it by many Yards, but what will fall dead; and this Stench, by the Effluvia mounting, is no way offensive to those below. This is the Reason their Sieges are rather Blockades, and no fortify'd Town was ever taken but by starving. For tho' I have said, the _Cacklogallinians_ have no such, yet their Neighbours have this Canvass, and Plenty of the Herb in and about most of their Towns, and can, in Twenty four Hours, put them in a Posture of Defence.

Upon the Decease of any Party, his Estate goes to the eldest of his Children, whether Male or Female; for the others, the Cocks are put into the Army, or to Trades; the Hens are married to the next Relations, who are obliged to take them, or allow them a Pension for Life, according to their Quality. Polygamy is forbid, tho' universally practised among the better Sort. There were publick Colleges erected for the Education and Provision of poor Chickens; but as there is a strong Party, which takes them to be of ill Consequence; they are discountenanc'd so much, that it is thought they must fall some time or other.

The Customs, Manners, Dress, and Diversions of the _Cacklogallinians_.

The _Cacklogallinians_ value themselves on being a polite Nation; and indeed those amongst them who have travell'd, are very complaisant, full of their Professions of Friendship, and Offers of Service, tho' it's the first time they ever set Eyes on the Party to whom they make them; but if he takes this for any more than the Effects of good Breeding, and reminds a Courtier of his Promise, he is look'd upon as one who wants Education, and treated as a Peasant.

They are not at all sociable, tho' they frequently visit each other, which is with much Ceremony amongst the better Sort; for he who makes the Visit, sends before him a Servant to give Notice, that he intends to do himself the Honour to kiss the Spur of the Master of the House. If he is, or will be at home, Answer is made, that he returns Thanks for the Honour intended him, which he will expect with Impatience. When the Visiter arrives, Notice is given to the Family by one of his Servants, who strikes a brass Pan (hung at the Doors of all Persons of Distinction) so long, and with such Violence, that were it in _England_, he'd be indicted for a common Disturber. After this Peal, the Door is opened, and the Visiter received according to his Quality, either at the Street Door, Parlour Door, or in the Hall. He's led in, and seated on a Carpet, enquires after the Welfare of the Family, after which he takes Notice of the Weather, and then with great Ceremony takes his Leave, conducted as he was received.

None visit the Minister of State, neither is there any thing like the _English_ Hospitality seen in the Visits of private Persons; for they never present you any Refreshment, not even that of cold Water, except at a formal Invitation, or a Wedding. At the latter they are very profuse. When a young Couple is married, for a Week they are never seen asunder; but after that, it is look'd upon indecent to be seen with a Wife in any publick Company; and one would think they married to be reveng'd on each other for some former Injuries; for the Wife takes Care to shew her Contempt of her Husband, and he his Aversion to his Wife. They are great Admirers of Puppet-shews and other Spectacles, and will let their Families at Home want Necessaries, rather than not be seen at the Booth. What they most delight in is bloody Spectacles. There are poor _Cacklogallinians_, who fight on Stages for Money; if they cut one another to Pieces, the Spectators go away highly satisfied; but if their Art prevents their shedding much Blood, the Combatants are poorly rewarded, and look'd upon as a Couple of Cheats or Cowards.

A Goat had (as Tradition says) done formerly great Damage to the Corn of _Danafalio_, a Saint in great Veneration amongst them, who lived about Twelve Hundred Years ago; for which Reason, every Family, on a certain Day, diverts it self by breaking the Legs and Ribs of a Goat, and flaying it alive.

Their Burial of the Dead is so expensive, that it often ruines the Heir. When the Corpse is carried out of the House, a Herald goes before, who proclaims the Titles of the Deceas'd: If he has none, he has Three Days Notice to make a Genealogy for him. I saw the Burial of a _quondam_ Taylor, who was nearly ally'd to a first Minister, and heard the Herald's Oration, which was as near as I remember, in these Words.

See, Fellow-Citizens, the Vanity of all sublunary Things! and lament your own hard Fate in the Loss of the Illustrious _Evanosmador_. If Virtue, if Art, if Nobility of Blood, could any way have influenc'd the Tyrant Death, who could boast a greater Soul! Who exceed him in the Mysteries of his Art! Or lastly, Whose Veins were fill'd with a more noble Blood!

Here he repeated his Genealogy, which spoke him descended from a Number of Sovereign Princes, Grandees, _Caja_'s, &c.

When the Corpse arrives at the great Market-place, where all the Dead are burnt, a Priest makes a Funeral Oration; which done, a great Number of Mourners, hired for that purpose, begin their Lamentations, which last till the Body is entirely consum'd. The Fire is made with Billets, on which the Arms of the Deceased are either carv'd or painted, which cannot cost less than an _English_ Crown each. Every one of the Company is presented with two of these Billets; one he lays on the Pile, the other he carries home, and hangs up in his House. After the Consumption of the Corpse, the Picture of the Deceas'd is hung over the Door for the Space of Twelve Moons. Their Ceremonies in marshalling the Company are tedious, and therefore I shall not mention them; I shall only take Notice, that the Dead are drawn by Six, or Eight Ostriches, cover'd with Cloath of Gold, upon an open Chariot.

When any begins to sicken, a Physician is sent for, who, after having examin'd the Patient, sends for a _Venenugallpotior_, something like our Apothecary, and gives him his Direction, takes his Fee, which is extravagant enough, and goes into his _Palanquin_; for a Physician, let him be a Second _Hermes_, or _Galen_, will never get Bread, if he does not make a Figure. He's sure to repeat his Visits, Morning and Even, if the Patient as often repeats his Fees; but whenever he finds any Symptoms of a weak Purse, he sets a Mark on that House, and no Intreaties will prevail with him to go under that Roof.

When the Relations of the Sick perceive him past Hopes of Recovery, they fall to plundering his House, neglect him entirely, and very often fall together by the Ears, begin with Blows, and end with a Law-suit, which seldom fails ruining both Plaintiff and Defendant; for their Lawyers rarely bring a Suit to Issue, till their Clients are brought to Beggary; and tho' they all know this to be the Consequence of their Litigation, yet is there no Nation so fond of going to Law.

When any one falls into Poverty, he's look'd upon as infected; for all his Acquaintance shun him; nay, very often his own Children will not own him, if in happier Circumstances: And what will seem wonderful to a _Briton_, who esteems Merit in Rags, and contemns the Vicious, tho' encompass'd with a Crowd of Servants, and distinguish'd by the glaring Titles of his Family; no sooner does a _Cacklogollinian_ grow rich, but all the World courts him, tho' sprung from a Dunghill: And even those who can never hope any thing from him, shew him a profound Respect. Ask who such a one is, and they never tell you, that he is such a Fowl of Honour, or of such good Qualities, but answer, he is worth so much: Nay, Riches give a Man such Superiority, that a Merchant, the Son of a Butcher, presum'd so much upon the immense Sums he possess'd, that he had the Boldness to tell the Emperor to his Face, if he did not prohibit the Importation of Corn (which was then very much wanted) he having a great Quantity by him, would draw his Money out of the publick Treasury, and then his Majesty might see who was able to supply him. The Emperor was advised to lay him by the Heels for his Sawciness, but the good Prince forgave him.

Their Dress is a close Doublet, and a a loose Mantle, which is either rich or plain, fine or coarse, not according to the Quality, but according to the Ability of the Wearer; for very often you can't distinguish, in respect of Dress, the Grandee from the Merchant, or the _Squabbaw_ from her Attendant; for the meaner Sort lay all on their Backs. Their Necks are adorned with Ribbons, Bells, Medals, _&c._ and their Tail-feathers are beautify'd with additional ones from the Peacock, or Figures painted with various Colours, which must be by the Emperor's Permission, as has been before observ'd.

Their Exercises are pretty violent, and they are great Lovers of a Play for which I can find no Name in _English_. They begin with giving their next Neighbour a great Bang with the Wing, which is return'd by a Kick or Peck, or Stroke with the Spur; you would imagine they were so many engaged in a Battle, for they strike without Fear or Wit, and never mind on whom the Strokes light; for every one deals them about promiscuously, and as thick as he can lay them on. They will continue this Diversion, till they are not able to stand, or till some of the Company gets a Wing, a Leg, or a Head broke, or some other Damage, which the Party hurt never takes ill. This Play is indeed practised only among the younger, or the meaner Sort.

They are mighty fond of the _Cuckoo_, and will sit two Hours upon a Stretch to hear a Set of them exercise their natural Talent, for which they are paid and caress'd. I knew a Lady of Quality who gave a Pension of Five Thousand _Spasma_'s, each _Spasma_ worth Two Shillings Sterling, to one of these Birds to sing her to Sleep every Night. The Air of this Country is too cold for these _Cuckoo_'s, who come from a more southern Clime, which is the Reason they stay not above three Years before they wing their Flight home, where they build Palaces with the Profits of their Journey: But as those who return send others in their stead, the _Cacklogallinians_ are never long deprived of the Entertainment these Birds afford 'em.

Another Diversion they have, is the making the Ostriches run Races: The Feeding, Training, and Betting upon these Birds, have ruined many of the noblest Families. They are also mightily addicted to Dice, and will set and lose their Wives and Children, which they sometimes see eaten by the Winner, if he is of Quality.

This small Sketch of the _Cacklogallinians_ I thought necessary, that the Reader might have some Idea of them. I happen'd to be cast on their Coast, just after they had made a Peace with the _Magpyes_, a puissant and neighbouring Nation, after a long, sanguine, and expensive War, which had well nigh exhausted the Forces and Treasure of both Parties, occasioned by the _Cacklogallinians_ pretending they had a Right to nominate a Successor to the Emperor _Chuctinio_, who was in an advanced Age, and without issue; and the _Magpyes_ pretended their King, as a Relation to that Emperor, had a Right to succeed to the Throne of the _Bubohibonians_, which is the Nation of _Owls_.

All the neighbouring States join'd the _Cacklogallinians_, in endeavouring to prevent this vast Increase of Power to the _Magpyes_, since it must necessarily destroy the Balance of Power; and as their prince was both powerful and ambitious, they apprehended he would aim at an universal Monarchy: But then they would not allow the _Cacklogallinians_ had any more Right than their Neighbours, to name a Successor; and if that Monarchy were to fall to the Share of any powerful Prince, it might be as dangerous to the common Good, as if yielded to the _Magpyes_; they therefore would have it divided.

The Peacock, who pretends to be the High-Priest of all Nations, and exacts on that Account Tributes from them, and calls himself the Disposer of Kingdoms, had his Tributes stopp'd by the _Magpyes_, about the same time; and complaining of this Injury, he invited _Bigoteasy_ to declare War against _Gripeallyominte_, King of the _Magpyes_, which, on account of former Friendship, he absolutely refused. This so enraged the good High Priest, that he raised a Rebellion against him; he was dethron'd, taken Prisoner by his Subjects, and died in Confinement, and his Kingdom given by the Peacock, and the unanimous Consent of the People, to the greatest Prince that History ever mention'd, either for Wisdom or Bravery.

These Wars lasted Sixty and Seven Years, and the _Cacklogallinians_ bore the greatest Share of the Expence; which had so far indebted them, that every Brain was at Work to project Methods for raising Money to pay the Interest.

These Schemes, which were every Day presented to the Minister, grew so numerous, that, had he applied himself to nothing else but their Examination, it would have taken up a great Part of his Time: And, indeed, I must own, that my Friend, the first Minister, gave himself but very little Trouble in things of this Nature, for all his Schemes, and all his Thoughts center'd in himself; and when I have gone to carry him Intelligence in a Morning, and all the great Fowl that came to pay their Levee, have been answer'd, that he was busy in his Closet upon Affairs of Importance to the State, and saw no Company, I have found him (for there were Orders for admitting me) either writing Directions concerning his Ostriches, or his Country Sports, or his Buildings, or examining his private Accounts; and tho' I often thought but meanly of my own Species, yet I began to think, from the Conduct of this great Minister, that a Cock was a far more selfish, and more worthless Animal than Man; insomuch, that I have so despised them ever since, as to think them good for nothing but the Spit.

The Schemes which he put in Practice were all the Invention of others, tho' he assum'd the Credit of them; and I will be bold to say, that, before my Time, amongst Numbers that were offer'd to him, he generally chose the worst.