Part 5

By this Time we arriv'd at the Gates of the Palace; for the Coach being drawn by Six Ostriches, we were but a little Time upon the Way; and mounting the great Stair-case, without being any way molested by the People's Curiosity (for the Moment my Lord appear'd every Fowl of what Quality soever, clapp'd his Beak to the Ground, and did not alter that Posture till he was past) he bid me stay in the Anti-chamber till sent for, and went himself into the Presence. He had not been there five Minutes, before I heard that Door open, and a Jay with a strait-body'd Coat, which button'd on his Breast, and thro' which his Wings and Legs pass'd, came hopping into the Room where I was, surrounded by the Courtiers, who view'd me with Surprize, but were so well bred as to whisper their Sentiments of me. This impertinent Jay peck'd 'em by the Legs, or pull'd 'em by the Crown-feathers, without Distinction: Nay, I saw some _Cacklogallinians_ of the great Order, whose Heads he could not reach, stoop to him, and beg he would do them the Honour to pull their Crowns. Every one shew'd him Respect, and made way for him to come up to me; he view'd me some time, and then peck'd me by the Finger; for he did not reach higher than my Hand, when it hung down. I returned the Compliment with a Wherret of my Fist, which knock'd him over, and had cost me my Life, durst any have struck in the Palace. There was a terrible Uproar, and I was apprehensive, that I should pay dear for my Resentment; but the Emperor to whom my Lord was then giving an Account of me, being inform'd, that the Impertinence of the Jay had caus'd the Disturbance, he order'd him to be carried to the Guard, that he should be lock'd up for three Days, and take two Purges and a Vomit (for Criminals not guilty of Capital Crimes, are punish'd by a Number of Vomits or Purges, which are more or less, according to the Vileness of the Fact) I was called into the Presence-chamber, where I made my Compliment as instructed, and then address'd my self to the Ladies, giving the Precedence always to the bulkiest, according to my Instructions. The first _Squabbaw_ whom I address'd my self to, was about Seven Foot round; her Crop hung within Six Inches of the Floor, which I have since learn'd is a particular Beauty; the Effluvia of her Body were extreamly strong, and oblig'd his Imperial Majesty, when she spread her Tail to me, to smell to an Aromatick Leaf.

This Prince, tho' of a very advanced Age, has been represented, both by the Reports of his Ministers, and others, as a Person of great Incontinency, in which I think he was injured; for tho' he pass'd most of his private Hours only in the Company of the _Vultuaquilian Squabbaws_ (so call'd from the Province where they were born) he did it, partly because of his long Accquaintance with them, and partly to hinder the too frequent Visits of the first Minister, who scarce ever came into his Presence, but to importune him, for new Grants and Promotions for Himself and Family; and as to the _Cacklogallinian Squabbaws_, he sometimes admitted them to please their Husbands and Relations, who flatter themselves with an imaginary Honour, to have their Wives and Daughters near him. I have good Grounds for what I advance; for I was Five Years in his Court, and frequently convers'd with his _Squabbaws_. This won't I hope, be thought a piece of Vanity in me, when the Reader reflects, that I was look'd upon as a Monkey is with our Ladies.

The Emperor was highly delighted with the Present his Minister made him, and order'd all possible Care to be taken of me. My Lord told him I might be as useful to his Majesty as my Make was curious, for he found me very intelligent, learning the Languages with great Facility, and that it was possible I might be serviceable in extending his Dominions, by bringing that Part of the World, which my Species inhabited, in Subjection to his Imperial Majesty.

_Have they_, said the Emperor, _any Gold among them?_ I took the Liberty of assuring his Majesty, that we were the richest Nation in the Universe; that by our Trade, which never was so flourishing as at this Time, we brought in immense Quantities of that valuable Metal, and that we suffer'd none to be exported. _It may then_, replied his Majesty, _be worth our while, one Day to think of this._

The Emperor order'd me to be conducted to an Apartment, and Leave was given to all the _Vultuaquilian_ first, and _Cacklogallinian_ Quality, to see me the next Day. I had every thing I could wish provided for me, and a Month after I had been at Court, I had the Liberty of the Palace, and the Emperor would often call me into his Closet (as he found I was not ignorant in Arithmetick) to help him weigh and count his Wedges of Gold, and set down the Number, Weight and Value of each Piece; for this was a Diversion in which he amused himself.

This Prince was not very curious, for in the five Years I was in his Court, he scarce ever asked me one Question concerning the _Europeans_; nor was he in one Respect the Bubble of his Favourites, for I never saw him give one Piece of Gold to any of them, even the _Squabbaws_.

The Grandees, who perceived me grow in Favour so far, as that the Jay was turn'd out of Court for his Sawciness to me, which he redoubled after his having been confined, strove who shou'd shew me the most Respect, and make me the greatest Professions of friendship. They not only offer'd me their Purses, but even their Wives and Daughters, whom they often left with me and whose Immodesty has often put me to the Blush. Nay, a _Boutofallalian_, a Title answering to our Duke, told me, if I continued this Shyness, and would not do him the Honour to pass now and then an Hour with his Lady, he shou'd not take me for his Friend; and leaving her with me, he lock'd the Door.

Her Grace was as generous as her Spouse; and when I urg'd the Difference of our Species, she said, she was satisfied that wou'd be no Impediment, by what she had seen, for I had indeed no other Covering than a Mantle, and both his Majesty and his _Squabbaws_ took a Pleasure to teaze me, by pulling it off, and leaving me naked in a full Circle. In short, I was forc'd to save my self by the Window being on a Ground Floor, after all my Excuses were to no Purpose: But fearing the Lady's Resentment, I begg'd the Minister, exaggerating her Husband's Merits, to give him a Pension, and I my self carried and delivered the Grant to her Grace, which made my Peace with both.

One Day, an old Colonel, who was very poor, accosted me in the Emperor's Garden. _My Lord_, said he, _I beg you will vouchsafe me an Audience of Quarter of an Hour; I shall look upon it as the greatest Condescension in you, and as the greatest Honour done me._ I told him he mistook my Title, and gave me one I never did aspire to; but that I was very ready to hear and serve him, for I had seen him often at Court offering Petitions, which were always rejected, and I had a Compassion for him.

"Your Goodness, _said he_, can alone be equalled by your Modesty; give me Leave then to tell you, I have served long and faithfully in the late Wars against the _Owls_ and _Magpyes_, but to my great Surprize, at my Return home; my Regiment, without any Fault alledg'd, was taken from me, and given to a _Valet de Chambre_ who had never seen an Enemy; his Master was a _Boutofallalian_, had a Mind to reward his Pimp, and all that I cou'd say, might as well have been let alone. I had no Estate but what I sold, and gave to a Courtier to get this Regiment, after I had served many Years as a Captain, without the least Blemish in my Character. I have since been in almost a starving Condition, and have wearied my self out with Petitions to no Purpose; for if any, as very few, were received, they were never answered, and perhaps never read. I have therefore no Hopes but what are founded on your Charity: I see it vain to hope for Employment, and shall change my Suit to that of being put into the Hospital of the _Meritorians_ (_which in _English_, signifies disabled and superannuated Soldiers_) I beg your Compassion for a most unfortunate and perishing Man, who has served his Prince and Country with Fidelity, and on several Occasions has distinguish'd himself, as Your Honour will be satisfied, if you will take the Pains to examine these Certificates."

He put several into my Hands; one mentioned his being the first who broke Ranks, and put the right Wing of the Enemy in Disorder, which was followed by a signal Victory over the _Magpyes_ and _Owls_: Then another mentioned his taking the Royal Banner, in the Battle of _Bellfugaro_: A third certify'd his surprizing a great Convoy of Provisions, carrying to the Enemy's Camp, the Loss of which, made them break up the Siege of _Barbaquero_. In short, he had about Twenty, signed by the General and chief Officers, which spoke him a Fool of singular Gallantry. When I had return'd them, I ask'd, in what he thought I could serve him?

"I beg, _said he_, you wou'd recommend me to the Minister to be provided for as a superannuated Officer; your Honour cannot do an Act of greater Charity."

"Sir, _said I_, is it possible you can be so great a Stranger to the Court, as to imagine Merit carries any Weight with it. Your Certificates prove you have done your Duty like a gallant Officer; but then you have done no more than what was expected from you, and what you were paid for."

"I acknowledge what your Honour says, _replied the Colonel_, but I can name many, who have run away, or been taken violently ill at the time of a Battle, and who are not only continued in Post, but even advanced."

I answer'd, it was very true; but that such Fowls were otherwise serviceable in the Government, had handsome Wives or Daughters, or could procure such of their Acquaintance, or perhaps were elected into the Grand Council of the Nation, and had a Vote to dispose of.

But, Sir, I will deal with you ingenuously, I can do you no Service at all in this Affair; for the Minister has so many _Bable-Cypherians (in _English_, Members of the Great Council)_ to oblige, and they have so many _Valet de Chambres_, Butlers, and Footmen to provide for in the Hospital, that it's more likely the Officers and Soldiers now there will be turn'd out to make Place for them, than any other will be admitted. If you have Interest to get a Number of these _Bable-Cypherians_ to back your Petition, which you may get, if you can bribe and cajole the Attendants of their _Squabbaws_, or their own Valets, it's possible you may succeed in your Pretensions.

"I'll sooner, _said he_, starve, than be guilty of so great a Condescension, or more properly, so mean an Action." This he said with some Warmth, and I replied as coolly, it was in his own Option. "I find then, _said the Colonel_, you won't serve me."

I have, _said I_, given you Reasons which prove this Way I cannot: But if giving your Petition and Certificates to the Emperor will be of use, I'll venture to do it for you.

"The Emperor, _replied he_, is a good Prince, but has little Interest with the Minister; and to hope any thing, but thro' his Canal, is altogether vain." Saying this, he took his Leave in a very courteous manner. The Minister was inform'd, that I had entertain'd a long Discourse with this Officer, and ask'd me the Subject of it. I told him what he desired, but that I declined troubling his Excellency with such Trifles.

"These Fowls, _said he_, who build on their own Merit, are extremely impertinent. The Colonel now in Question is one of your Fowls who might by his Principles have made a Fortune, had he lived Two or Three Hundred Years ago; but they are now obsolete, and he starves by tenaciously practising his musty Morals. Why, he'll have the Impudence to be always speaking Truth; and tho' he has been thrust out of the Palace for this Vice more than once, he is not to be corrected. He will tell a Fowl of Quality without Ceremony, that he's a Pimp, and was raised by the Hens of his Family: He'll make no Bones of telling another, if his Prudence made him decline Danger, that he's a Coward: A Third he'll impudently remind of his former Livery, tho' his good Fortune has raised him to the Title of a Grandee. Nay, he had the Face to tell me, upon my refusing to take his Petition, That it was great Pity, when I was imprisoned for Peculation, that the Justice of the Nation did not first purge, and then hang me; that I was a publick Robber, and deserv'd the Gallows more richly than a common Thief. His Poverty and Folly made me pity and pardon him, if leaving him to be laugh'd at and starv'd, are to be esteemed no Punishment. As I really pity'd the Fowl, I found where he lodged, and supplied him with sufficient to keep him above Want, tho' I would never trust him with the Knowledge of his Benefactor, nor would ever after be seen to give him the least Countenance."

The Character of the _Cacklogallinians_ in general.

The _Cacklogallinians_ were, in former Ages, a Wise and a Warlike Nation, both fear'd and esteem'd by their Neighbours. Their Blood was pure, without being mix'd with that of the _Owls_, _Magpies_, _Eagles_, _Vulturs_, _Jays_, _Partridges_, _Herns_, _Hawks_, or any other Species; the Scum of which Nation, by the Fertility of the Country, and the want of Foresight in the _Cacklogallinians_, has been allured to, and permitted to settle in _Cacklogallinia_, and by their Intermarriages has caused the great Degeneracy those Families, which have kept their Blood untainted, complain of.

The History of their Neighbours are standing Witnesses of the Worth of their Ancestors, and shew the vast Difference between the ancient and modern _Cacklogallinians_. The former, tho' tenacious of their Liberty, were remarkable for their Loyalty; and each thought it his peculiar Interest zealously to promote that of the Publick. But not to be prolix in the Character of the old _Cacklogallinians_, I shall give it in few Words. They were what the _English_ now are, Wise, Modest, Brave, Human, Loyal, Publick-spirited, capable of governing their own, and conquering other Kingdoms; Hospitable to Strangers: They encourag'd Merit, and abominated Flattery. A Pimp in those Days wou'd have starv'd, and even the Concubine of a Prince not been admitted among Hens of Virtue, tho' to make the Fortune of a Husband. There was no Upstarts among the Nobility, and if any were rais'd to Titles, it was by Force of a conspicuous Merit, which gave a Lustre to the August Assembly in which he was enroll'd. Justice was impartially administer'd, and the selling of the People to a Prince or Minister, was a Villainy unknown. None bribed the People to chuse 'em for their Representatives; Posts in the Government were given to Fowls capable to serve it, without being burthened with this or that Family, nor were their Revenues loaded with Pensions to worthless and vicious Persons, and given for Services which would be a Disgrace to publish. Trade flourish'd, Money was plenty, none of their Neighbours durst encroach on their Commerce; their Taxes were inconsiderable: In a Word, as I before said, they were what our happy Nation now is, admired for the Prudence of their Administration at home, and the Terror of their Arms abroad. They are now directly the Reverse of what they were, and even in my Time, they were sinking in the Opinion of their Neighbours, who began to consider them as a declining Nation, which Alteration, I must own (for I love to speak the Truth) was not a little owing to the Administration of my Friend, the first Minister, who in taking upon him to manage the Interests of Nations, went out of his Depth, for Affairs of that Nature seemed to be above his Capacity. His Education, his Study, his Practice, were rather mercantile, than otherwise, and all that Knowledge which his Partizans boast so much in him, was confined to the Business of the Taxes, a Road in which he was (as it were) grown old, and to Money-Projects, which was owing to a strict Correspondence he always kept with certain projecting and mercantile People, and being used to carry all Points at home by Gold, he knew no other way of doing Business abroad; so that when their Neighbours used to differ among themselves, about some Points of Interest, and one Side or other stood in Need of the Assistance of the _Cacklogallinians_, they sometimes push'd themselves into the Quarrel, and perhaps paid great Sums of Money for the Favour of sending Armies to the Succour of one Side or other, so that they became the Tools which other Nations work'd with. They are naturally prone to Rebellion, have let the _Cormorants_ chouse them out of several valuable Branches of their Commerce; and yet the _Cormorants_ are People with whom they have kept the most lasting Friendship of all their Neighbours. They love War, and rather than not fight, they will give Money to be let into the Quarrel (as has been hinted before) they know beforehand, however victorious they may prove, nothing but Blows will fall to their Share. If they are under a mild Government, and grow rich, they are always finding Fault with their Superiors, and ever ready to revolt: But if they are oppress'd and kept poor, like our Spaniels, they fawn on their Masters, and seem in Love with Tyranny; which should any dare to speak against, he is esteem'd an Enemy to the Happiness of his Country. They are very proud, yet very mean in some Particulars, and will, for their Interest, sacrifice the Honour of their Families. They look upon nothing infamous but Poverty, for which Reason, the most scandalous Methods of procuring Riches, such as Lying, Robbing the Publick, Cheating Orphans, Pimping, Perjury, _& c._ are not look'd upon with evil Eyes, provided they prove successful. This Maxim holds with 'em, both in publick and private Affairs. I knew One rais'd from a Fowl of Three Foot Six Inches, to be a _Makeseulsibi_, a Post which rais'd him to Eight Foot Six, and is one of the greatest in the Kingdom. He is to instruct the Grandees, when in Council, in Points of Law, and is Guardian to all Orphans. Complaint was made to the Emperor, that he converted their Estates to his own Use, and left them all to starve; he was therefore, by the Emperor's Consent, and to satisfy the People, brought to a Tryal. He answer'd, That he did not deny the Charge; but that he wanted the Money to make a Figure equal to his Post: However, the Enquiry discover'd his vast Acqusitions, and prov'd him to be so rich, that he was look'd upon with Respect, and he lived and died in as much Grandeur, and Tranquillity, as if he had been a Patriot, and at his Funeral, his great Service to his Country was blazon'd out in Figures and Hieroglyphicks by the Heralds; which being a thing I seem'd amaz'd at, and enquiring of many, how it came to pass, that a Fowl should be treated with Honour, who had been esteem'd an Oppressor? the common Answer was, he died rich, and that was enough for all Honours.

The Religion of the _Cacklogallinians_.

This Nation pretends to believe a first Being, and to worship one God, tho' I confess, when I was first amongst them, I thought otherwise; for I Found the People of the best Rank amongst them always ridiculing Religion. They had formerly a Globe of pure Gold in their Temples, an Emblem of Eternity: It was inscribed with unintelligible Characters, by which they figured the Inscrurability of his Decrees. This some call'd superstitious, and were for having razed, and the Ball, which was, in their Opinion, too big, new melted, and cast into a different Form. Some were for a Square, to give an Emblem, of Justice; others would have it, an Octogon, by which they would shadow his Ubiquity. Another Party insisted upon its being cast again, but in no regular Form; for all Forms and Regularity they look'd upon superstitious. Their Disputes on this Subject ran so high, that they came to Blows, and each Party, as it was victorious, modelled the Globe to his own Humour or Caprice. But the Ball being so often melted, and Part of the Gold being lost in each Fusion, it was at last almost imperceivable. These Bickerings shed a great deal of Blood, and being at length tired with worrying each other upon this Account, a new Globe was cast, but not exactly round, to satisfy tender Consciences. In process of Time, it was thought that a brazen Globe might do as well as one of Gold, and new Disputes beginning to arise, it was decreed, that this Globe should stand in the Temple, but that every one in particular should have at home an Idol after his own Fashion provided they wou'd only bow to this, and the Revenues were continued to the Priests to furnish Sacrifices. The Heads of the Priests at last thinking these Sacrifices altogether needless, and a very great Expence, dropp'd 'em by Degrees: However, some say this was done by some of the Grandees, as a Means to make the Priests less respected, and put the Money in their own Coffers, which has made them both rich and insolent. They were formerly a cunning Set, but they are not look'd upon as such now, for they take but little Care, either to cultivate the Interest, or support the Credit and Dignity of their Order; and as some of them are given to Luxury, which they have not taken due Care to conceal, the common Sort do not entertain the same Respect for them they did in former Times.

However, the poor Clergy (for they are not all rich, Affairs of Religion being modell'd after those of the State, the Great devouring the Small) lead moral Lives, and there is a Sect amongst them which keeps up the golden Ball, continues the Sacrifices, and detests Perjury; but these are obliged to perform their Ceremonies by Stealth, and are prosecuted as an obstinate ill-designing People.

The Grandees have no Statues in their Houses; they own indeed a Deity, some of them at least, but don't think the worshipping that Deity of any Consequence. The meaner People began to be as polite as the Courtiers, and to have as little Religion, before I left _Cacklogallinia_. This Irreligion I can attribute to nothing so much as the Contempt of the Clergy, whom some of the Nobility, especially of the Court, have endeavour'd to render hateful and ridiculous to the People, by representing them as a lazy, useless, Order of Birds, no better than the Drones. They also chufe out now and then, some to place at their Head, who had distinguish'd themselves for their Infidelity, and had declared themselves Enemies to the Religion of the Country, by which means the whole Order lost their Sway with the People; besides which, the richer Sort amongst them were generally reputed to be much addicted to Gluttony.

Of the Policy and Government of the _Cacklogallinians_.

The _Cacklogallinians_ boast mightily of their being the only Nation in the World which enjoys Liberty, and therefore, upon all Occasions, they talk of, and treat the rest of the World as Slaves. They pretend to maintain, that their Monarchy being elective, their Emperors are no more than their Servants, and that they can exercise no longer a Power, than they are pleas'd to give it them, which is just as much as will serve to put the Laws in Execution, and keep the great Machine of Government in good Order; and that whenever he attempts to transgress those Bounds, they make no Ceremony of turning him out, and setting up another in his Room. But, by what I could judge by my own proper Observation, this appeared to me, to be no more than an empty Boast (for indeed the _Cacklogallinians_ are apt to run into an Extravagance of Vanity, whenever they speak of themselves) for in my Time my Friend and Patron the first Minister acted as absolutely, and dependently of all Creatures (except of the _Squabbaws_) as the most arbitrary Prince, who acknowledges no Law but his own Will and Pleasure.