SCENE I.--_Latherem's Hairdresser's Shop--Scene divided into two

parts--L. half Latherem's shop, with doors, R. and L.; window at back, with curtain, shaving chairs, shampooing table, &c.; table, chairs, &c. Screen at back. Fireplace, L., kettle on hob. R. half supposed to be street; barber's pole outside shop door. Lights gradually up during scene._

_As the scene opens, ALPHONSO rushes in from L. U. E.--outside shop._

ALPH. At last I've got home! How did I get here? I have a confused idea of losing sight of Jane, losing sight of the ring--in fact, I've a confused idea I've lost my senses. I wonder if I've lost my key! No, here it is! (_Opens door._) Where's a light? Ah, here it is! (_On table._) I'm sure I don't know whether I'm standing on my feet or my feet. (_Lights candles. Stage lighter._) Before I do anything further, I'll just lock the door, to keep early customers out! I must bring my scattered thoughts too! (_Locks door._) I feel as though I want a little cheering up! I'll just light the fire. (_During the next lines of his speech, he busies himself lighting the fire, bringing out his breakfast things from the cupboard, putting the kettle on to boil, &c._) I can't get over me being such a lunatickle as to put that ring on that statue's finger! And then again it seemed to speak to me! But how could it be? But, anyhow, I've lost that ring! Perhaps I could get another one made like it! I'll see! (_By this time he has made the tea, and is sitting down by table getting his breakfast._) I wonder what time it is? It must be near six o'clock! I shall have to open just now. Ah, I feel a little better now! (_Goes on eating._) Perhaps it was the drink! Somehow or other I fancied I saw that statue come off her pedestal. I can't make it out at all.

(_Business of eating.--Slow music.--Limelight._)

_VENUS appears at back, R. U. E._

VENUS. Alphonzo, I am here! (_Outside shop._)

ALPH. Eh, I thought I heard my name! P'raps some early customer for a shave! I'll just see. (_He unlocks door, and he looks out, sees Venus, jumps in again very frightened; slams door, and locks it._) Great Scott, can I believe my eyes? It's the statue alive?

VENUS. 'Tis he! Alphonzo, I come!

ALPH. (_With his back against door._) Not if I know it! What should I do with a live dead statue. (_As he is saying this Venus goes to back of shop, and reappears in shop by aid of the vampire. Alphonzo does not see her for a moment._) I wonder if it's gone? I'll just take a peep through the window. (_He crosses over, not seeing Venus. He gets by fireplace, when he suddenly sees her. He is so startled he half falls into fireplace, in doing so he grabs hold of the end of table and his trousers catch fire (trick), sits on chair and it goes out. Business._) Hair cut or shampoo? I must say something to show I'm not frightened. It won't answer! Say something or I shall go off my dot!

VENUS. You do not know me?

ALPH. No, mum; you've the advantage of me. Have you got a card?

VENUS. I am Venus! I have many names in the outer world! It is I who rule the God of Love, I sway the hearts of all true lovers; in your world I have caused you poor mortals to burn for me--aye, and with an unconsuming, unquenchable fire!

ALPH. Lor', you're a bit of a hot 'un!

VENUS. Hot 'un! You speak in enigmas? You are fully aware why I come hither?

ALPH. I don't. You are the statue out of them gardens, ain't you?

VENUS. I am no statue--I am Venus, I tell you! I have lain in a long, long trance, how long I know not, in my own palace in the Isle of Cyprus. How long I should have lain in that trance I know not had it not been for thou, most lovely mortal!

ALPH. (_Aside._) She knows me.

VENUS. Yes; it was the touch of your kind mortal hand that has given me power to animate this marble shell!

ALPH. (_Aside._) She says she's a shell. I wonder what kind of shell--p'raps a whelk shell!

VENUS. 'Twas you who placed the magic ring on my fingers, do I speak truly?

ALPH. (_Delighted._) Quite right, mum! (_Aside._) I wish I knew her proper name. (_Aloud._) I'm sure it's very kind of you to take all the trouble of walking here from those gardens to give it me. You shall go back in a hansom.

VENUS. And you think it was just to give you back this paltry ring I came? Think you it was for only this have I visited the face of the earth, and followed you to your palace? You are too modest! What is thy name?

ALPH. Latherum--Alphonzo Latherum, hairdresser--hair cutting three pence, shaving a penny!

VENUS. Alphonzo, happiness is yours! You have awakened me from my trance. Cast away all thy fears. You put the ring on my finger. I accept your offering--I am thine, and you, my hero, are mine!

ALPH. You're making a big mistake. I did not mean anything when I put that ring on your finger. The fact is I was a little boozed.

VENUS. Boozed! Is he a god?

ALPH. Not quite; though sometimes it is a spirit.

VENUS. Come, Alphonzo--come, join me in my aerial flight to the regions far beyond these lowly worlds!

ALPH. You'll excuse--I can't, I've made other arrangements. I am already engaged! I've got a girl!

VENUS. I remember a bright-eyed mortal in the gardens. Is she your love?

ALPH. Yes.

VENUS. She must die! I myself will crush her!

ALPH. (_Aside._) I must drop Jane a postcard. (_Aloud._) What do you want to crush her for?

VENUS. Because she is in my path! And shall any mortal maid stand between you and I?

ALPH. But we are to be married shortly.

VENUS. Do as you will, I will ever be between you.

ALPH. Eh, that's a bit thick for me! (_Aside._) I must kick her a bit. (_Aloud._) You see, there are a few little things you ain't aware of. There is a great difference between you and I--ain't the same--and I'm a respectable hairdresser; and what would people say if they saw me talking to a goddess with only her nightdress on?

VENUS. You speak empty words. I know not what you mean. But this little I can glean from your worldly talk, you wish to evade me. But no, it shall never be. Let this suffice you, that I am here to fulfil the troth you have plighted.

ALPH. I don't think so! I really must decline your generous offer with thanks.

VENUS. Have a care. Being so young and handsome as thou art I pity thee! Do nothing rash--pause ere you rouse the fearful ire of Venus!

ALPH. If it's all the same to you I'd rather not.

VENUS. I leave you, then. Use the time I give you well in thinking of my words, till I come again.

ALPH. (_Aside._) I'll move to-morrow!

VENUS. For the present, farewell!

ALPH. (_Pleased._) Oh, she's going at last! (_Aloud._) Shall I call a four wheeler?

(_Opens door._)

VENUS. Fool, I am not going to leave thy palace, I am going to take an aerial flight! I shall leave my statue with you here, while my inmost soul soars on high in Cyprus.

ALPH. (_Excited._) Oh, what shall I do? I sha'n't be able to move her. Look here, Mrs. Venus, I----

VENUS. (_Backing up stage to window._) No more words! Farewell for the present!

(_Gong, and flash of lightning. Venus is again transfixed in same position as Scene I._)

ALPH. She's gone, and left her statue here behind her, and in exactly the same way as she was in those cursed gardens! Ah, a good thought! I might be able to get that ring. It can't hurt it if I broke its finger off with the poker--it's only stone! I'll try. (_He picks up poker, and just as he lifts it to strike Venus, flash of lightning and gong.--Business.--He drops poker._) It's a frost! But I won't give in till I do get it! If I could only get that ring off it would be all right. Well, I'll just cover it over for the present. (_Puts haircutting cloth over it._) No, a better idea. I'll put it behind this screen. (_He manages to carry Venus into cupboard and puts table before door._) There, she can't get out of there in a hurry!

_Enter HANDSAW, R. U. E._

HAND. This is the place. I think this fellow might give me some clue as to the whereabouts of the missing statue. (_Enters shop and shouting._) Shop!

ALPH. (_Frightened._) I'm not guilty.

HAND. Ah, did I frighten you? (_Aside._) Ah, that looks suspicious! I'll get a clue here.

ALPH. Hair cut or shave?

HAND. Neither. You are Latherum, the barber, arn't you? I want to talk to you.

ALPH. Suppose we take a walk.

HAND. No; I'll say what I've got to here. I always deal straightforward.

ALPH. (_Aside._) I wonder who he is?

HAND. (_Hearing him._) I am Inspector Handsaw, of Scotland Yard; and I am not a man to be kept in the dark.

ALPH. Let me light a candle.

HAND. You lost a ring in the gardens?

ALPH. How did you know?

HAND. I was there. And, look here, if you'll help me, it will be a fine thing for you. I'll let you have a share of the reward.

ALPH. What reward?

HAND. Ah, you're a smart fellow; you don't mean to give yourself away! When they first told me what you were, I didn't expect to find you what you are. But now I see you are what you are, I'm not at all surprised to know you are what you are.

ALPH. No, of course not; I fully agree with you. But, for Heaven's sake, what are you talking about?

HAND. Why, about the stolen statue from the gardens.

ALPH. (_Aside._) I'm a corpse!

HAND. What I mean is this: I saw you by the figure just before it was stolen; and you had your eye on the two thieves at the same time I had my eye on 'em. Can't you give a guess where that figure is now?

ALPH. Not at all--not at all!

HAND. I have an idea it's very near at hand.

(_Goes toward screen._)

ALPH. (_Pulling him away._) Come away, the cupboard's been varnished.

HAND. The only thing I wish I could only put my hand on the thieves as easily as I put my hand on you.

(_Business.--Puts his hand on Alphonzo._)

_Enter an OLD MAN, R. U. E. (super.). He enters shop._

MAN. A shave, please.

(_Sits in chair. Alphonzo don't know what he's doing, goes to shave old man with fender, &c., and any silly business, ad lib._)

HAND. Well, I'll see you again.

ALPH. Not if I see you first.

HAND. (_Whispering._) Help me to get a clue as to where the figure is, and I'll share the reward with you--that's fair enough. (_Going towards door._) You understand?

ALPH. (_Aside._) Yes; I wish I didn't.

(_Old Man rises, after being shaved. As he rises, a long knocking is heard at screen.--Lightning and gong._)

MAN. Mercy, what was that?

ALPH. I think we shall have rain. (_Aside, in great excitement._) She's waking up! What am I to do?

VENUS. (_Inside._) Alphonzo, release me!

ALPH. (_Terrified, but still putting a bold face on the matter._) Good morning, sir; hope you had a nice shave. (_Pushes him headlong out of shop.--Business._) Beg pardon, you nearly slipped! (_Handsaw goes to assist Old Man to rise, and Alphonzo bangs the door to and locks._) Another two minutes like that and I'll get the fever. I wonder if they're gone? (_He looks through keyhole._) Yes, they're going.

[_Old Man and Handsaw exit, R. U. E._

I breathe again!

_As he says this VENUS appears from behind screen._

It's no use. I can't get her out of the way.

VENUS. How could you dare to imprison me in that narrow tomb? I thought I was buried beneath the soil. And had it been so I would have caused this city to be in one vast ruin--an earthquake.

ALPH. (_Aside._) I won't hurry her! Look here, if you're as fond of me as you say you are, you'd go back to your place in the gardens, where you've been stolen from. The police are looking everywhere for you.

VENUS. He is good, this police. If I see him I'll reward him.

ALPH. There's a good many "hims" in the police, and I tell you what it is, if you don't give up that ring I'll have you locked up, by George I will!

VENUS. I know no George, nor will it profit you to call on him. I will go forth into the world and see the people of this city--and you must take me!

ALPH. Not much.

VENUS. I will follow you everywhere, and should anyone ask who and what I am, you must say I am now betrothed to Venus. Then among the mortals you will be blameless.

ALPH. Blameless? What would Jane say?

VENUS. Ah, you have revealed your love's name! I have but to ask in your streets, where does Jane, the lover of Alphonzo, live, lead me there; and, having arrived at her dwelling, she shall die!

ALPH. But, look here, there's thousands of Janes in London.

VENUS. That being the case I shall kill them all!

ALPH. Why?

VENUS. Because, dissipated youth, you love them all!

ALPH. (_Aside._) If she could only see me shaving people, p'raps she'd become disgusted, and leave me! I'll try it! (_Aloud._) If you only saw me at my trade, a barbering, you'd see what a mistake you were making.

VENUS. I will see you at your toil. Barb at once.

ALPH. Wait till I get a customer. I do my business in this shop.

VENUS. Then, I will wait and watch you.

ALPH. Do you want to ruin my trade?

VENUS. I will make no sign or movement; but I will see you at your daily toil. I have said it! Obey me!

ALPH. (_Aside._) All right! I'll put her in a corner. No one would think but she is one of my fixtures.

VENUS. Place me where I may behold thee at thy toil.

ALPH. All right! Get up in this corner, and I'll just pop this haircutting cloth over you. (_He does so._) If she can once get it into her marble head I'm a barber and keep a shop, I think she will turn up her nose at me, and then she'll give me back that ring.

_Enter AUGUSTUS, R. U. E. Enters shop._

AUG. Good morning, old fellow! I feel a little chippie this morning. (_Sits in chair._) I wish I didn't drink so much, don't you know! Last night I had a fearful time after going to the Alhambra. (_Alphonzo begins lathering him._) They've got a beautiful ballet there now. There's a charming little girl there, who plays one of Venus's doves. I was mashed on her in a minute, and I pride myself I mashed her too--she's dead gone!

VENUS. Traitor!

(_Business.--Alphonzo so frightened, he pushes brush in Augustus's mouth. Augustus is also very frightened._)

AUG. I could swear I saw that statue move! Look it's shaking its fists at me!

VENUS. (_Shaking her fists at Augustus._) Villain!

(_Alphonzo much alarmed._)

AUG. There it is again! Oh, I've got 'em bad again!

ALPH. Yes; you've got the jim-jams. What, sir--I've cut your chin off? Never mind, sir, don't charge any extra.

AUG. Your kindness only exceeds your beauty! You've done it on purpose, because I cut you out with Jane.

VENUS. (_To herself, loud enough for Alphonzo to hear._) Ah, he knows where she dwells! I will at once ask him!

ALPH. Oh, she'll ruin me! Good morning, sir! Here's your hat, sir. (_Business.--In his hurry to get Augustus out he gives him a basin for his hat; he puts it on; flour falls over him.--Business._)

AUG. What the devil----

ALPH. Yes; I think we shall have snow! Good morning, sir.

(_Business.--Bowing him to door, and pushes him outside shop._)

AUG. Awfully rude, don't you know!

[_Goes off, R. U. E._

ALPH. She's ruining my trade! Ah, I see it all! She's got wild--she's disgusted at my shaving people! Hooray!

VENUS. Where is that wretched mortal who dared to slay my dove? Bring him forth! Where is he who dares to slay the only thing on earth I love since all are taken from me? Ah, where is Vulcan?

ALPH. I don't know! Have you tried the pub opposite!

VENUS. Your words are empty. Where are my children--Cupid, Æneas? Where is Mars?

ALPH. I'll have a look in the time table. I fancy it's by Greenwich.

VENUS. Ah, where is the Cyprian youth Adonis, who was so famed for his beauty? Where is he? Speak! Where is he?

ALPH. (_Annoyed._) How the devil do I know?

VENUS. Ah, I remember! the beautiful youth, alas--alas!

ALPH. (_Aside._) The beautiful youth, alas! She's off her nut!

VENUS. Was he not gored to death by a wild boar?

ALPH. How do I know? He might have been run over by a steam-roller for all I know!

VENUS. Knew you my husband?

ALPH. No, I wish I did; I'd send him a wire.

VENUS. I am the wife of Vulcan, who was the son of Jupiter and Juno.

ALPH. How Juno?

VENUS. He was a god of fire, and presided over the workers of metal. His workshop was under Mount Etna, where, assisted by the Cyclops, he forged thunderbolts for Jove.

ALPH. (_Admiringly._) Quite a little _Weekly Budget_, ain't she!

VENUS. Now I have told you who I am. I must have slept now some thousands and thousands of years.

ALPH. Had a tidy doss then?

VENUS. But thou hast awakened me, and I am thine for ever.

ALPH. (_Aside._) I'll take the first train for America to-morrow.

VENUS. But, where is that fearful youth who slew my doves? Bring him forth!

ALPH. I can't bring him fourth or fifth. He was not talking about a dove; he was talking about a ballet girl. And now, missus, to come to the point, now you've seen me doing my daily business you've thought better of it, ain't you?

VENUS. Better; aye, far better! They sit at your bidding, and you make them sit in silence while you bend over their faces with yonder sharp little instrument, and you threaten their bare throats! You are indeed a king of mortals, and I love you even more! I would do anything for thee!

ALPH. Well, first of all give me the ring.

VENUS. The sole symbol of my power--the charm that has called me from my long sleep? Never.

ALPH. Well, I shall place the matter in the hands of a lawyer. (_Aside._) If I could only get her to stay here a bit, I'd go and find that inspector fellow and tell him all about it. (_Aloud._) Just stay here a minute. I'll go and get you two pen'oth of eels. You must feel hungry. (_He suddenly gets out by door, and when he is outside, he locks it._) Now, my lady, you're safe for a little bit. I'll just see if I can find that inspector.

_Just as he is going, enter JANE, R. U. E._

Oh, it's all over!

JANE. You don't seem pleased to see me?

ALPH. Oh, yes, I am, dear! I never felt so pleased in all my life!

JANE. Well, you're a nice one! Why don't you ask me in?

ALPH. The fact is, I've got the brokers in.

JANE. It's false! I can see it in your face. You are deceiving me! You've got someone in there you don't want me to see! But I will go in.

ALPH. No, don't--you'll be crushed.

JANE. Alphonzo, much as I love you, I will leave you for ever unless you let me see who is in your shop!

VENUS. (_Who is trying to get out by door._) Alphonzo, release me at once!

ALPH. Oh!

JANE. Oh, you deceitful wretch, a woman's voice! I knew it! I'll take poison!

ALPH. And rob the poor beetles?

(_Venus, seeing she can't get out by door, quietly walks through vampire at back, and faces Alphonzo and Jane._)

VENUS. Ah, then this is your love?

JANE. (_Screaming._) Oh, a ghost!

(_Falls on her knees._)

VENUS. Away, maiden--he loves you not; he is mine--lest I crush thee!

ALPH. (_To Jane._) Here, get inside! (_Opens door, and Jane runs in shop and gets behind screen._) Now, look here, missus, I won't have any more of this. Hallo, give me that razor!

VENUS. Never! With this I will sweep my rival from my path! (_Suddenly enters shop._) Where is she, I say? Ah, look! I've cut my hand! I bleed!

ALPH. Ah, you've cut the finger with my ring on! (_Tries to get it off._) Let me hold it!

VENUS. Never! You would seek flight! I will keep this! Oh, the loss of this blood is freezing me! I am going, Alphonzo! Ah!

(_Gong.--Lightning. She is again transfixed._)

ALPH. There, right in the middle of my shop again! Oh, if I could only get that ring! But I'm forgetting all about poor Jane! I'll go and tell her all about it! (_Goes through door in shop, L._) Now, don't give way like that, Jane! It will all come right in the end, and I---- Hallo! What are they doing? Keep still, dear! Come behind this screen. Here's those same men coming into my shop I saw at the gardens. They were after this self-same figure. Oh, if they'd only pinch it--if they'd only sneak it!

_Enter the TWO ROBBERS in street, R., looking very cautiously about.--Music till end of scene._

ALPH. (_Looking over screen._) Ah, here they come! I'll not disturb 'em.

FIRST R. All's safe! The shaver's out, and we've got it all to ourselves.

SECOND R. Who'd have thought the barber bloke would have had the nous about him to cop hold of this statue?

FIRST R. Won't he look sick when he discovers it gone?

ALPH. (_Aside._) Yes, won't I?

_Enter HANDSAW in street, R. Looks in through crack in door._

FIRST R. It's a good job he left the door open! Who'd have thought he was smart enough to cop hold of that statue! Here it is, Jim! Now for it!

HAND. Like a sleuth hound I've tracked 'em, and this barber after all is one of 'em. He'll be transported!

JANE and ALPH. (_Overhearing._) Oh?

FIRST R. Hallo! Here's marks of blood on her hands, and here's a ring. It's loose! I'll pull it off! There it is, Jim! We'll pawn it!

ALPH. It's off! Hooray!

(_Business.--First Robber holding up long cloak to cover Venus. When he holds up cloak, it entirely hides her from view. Music, forte._)

HAND. Now's my time! (_Enters.--Aside._) Now I've got you!

FIRST R. Now we've got you!

(_Lightning.--Gong.--Cloak falls, Venus has disappeared--she goes through vampire at back. Alphonzo falls over screen. Robbers and Handsaw look on in wonder. Jane fainting. Tableau. Close in. Flats in first grove._)