SCENE I.--_Hendon Gardens.--House piece, L. 3 E. to L. 2 E., with

"Refreshments" worded over folding doors--the doors are made so as to show the counter, &c., inside; semi-grottos (two), R. 2 E. to R. 3 E.; two statues, R. C. and L. C. (up stage); the Living Statue in C., covered with long black cloth till wanted. Scene at back represents gardens, after the style of the Welsh Harp, Hendon.--Lights half down at commencement of the scene, which gradually gets darker and darker towards the end of scene.--Music as curtain goes up. "Is this a dream?"; and then waltz--piano._

_ALPHONZO and AUGUSTUS are discovered dancing with two Girls ("sups.") Others are waltzing as curtain rises. After a while Alphonzo and Augustus are left by themselves. Waltz still being played piano through dialogue._

ALPH. Awfully jolly dance that, eh, old fellow? Those _walkas_ and _polkas_ are just my style.

AUG. Pardon me, old chappie, you mean waltz, don't you know?

ALPH. Well, _waltz_ the difference? I wonder where those two girls went? I don't want 'em hanging round me, as I am expecting my young woman down here in a few minutes.

AUG. Indeed?

ALPH. No, in a cab! You see, I've been on with Jane--that's her name--some time, and she's a nice girl, only she is mighty partickler. She doesn't like me loving and courting other girls.

AUG. Very likely.

ALPH. Well, she'll be down here presently, so I must keep myself very quiet, you know.

AUG. Ah, well, in the meanwhile we will have a little refreshment! Come along, old chappie! Awfully jolly place this, don't you know!

[_Exit into refreshment-bar._

ALPH. (_Aside._) I wish I had some money. I've only got my fare home and a pipe-cleaner. I suppose I must face it out. (_Aloud._) By the way, what say you if we have a drink, eh?

AUG. Ah, a good idea! Awfully jolly, old fellow!

ALPH. (_Aside._) Yes, it will be if I have to pay. (_Aloud._) What shall it be?

AUG. Champagne.

ALPH. Of course--of course! (_Aside._) My fare home looks sick. All right!

AUG. Let's toss for it--heads I win tails you lose!

ALPH. All right. Kaffers win, tails Zulus. (_Aside._) I've only got a trouser button to toss with. Never mind, here goes.

AUG. Now, then. (_They toss up. Alphonzo pretends to lose his coin; begins looking for it._) Have you lost something, old boy?

ALPH. (_Still looking._) Yes; but it's of no consequence--only a ten-pound note. Never mind, old boy, it will do for the parkkeeper.

AUG. Do you always toss with notes?

ALPH. Yes; I attach more importance to notes than money in coin.

AUG. Why so?

ALPH. Why, you see if you put a five-pound note in your waistcoat pocket, you _double_ it; and when you bring it out again you see it _increases_.

AUG. Ah, awfully jolly! I'll remember that!

ALPH. (_Aside._) So will I. I read it in _Tit-Bits_.

AUG. But, joking on one side, I must pay for the drinks.

ALPH. No, no, old fellow; I really----

(_Putting his hand in his pocket._)

AUG. Now, once and for all you are not going to pay----

ALPH. (_Aside._) No, I'm not. (_Aloud._) But I insist!

AUG. Once for all you can't pay.

ALPH. (_Aside._) No, I'm ---- if I can. (_Aloud._) Well, if you insist upon it, I suppose I must give in.

AUG. Now, there's a sensible fellow. You can pay next time, see?

ALPH. Oh, yes!

AUG. A little supper, eh, at the Café Royal?

ALPH. (_Aside._) Yes, two of eels and a ha'poth of bread. (_Aloud._) Certainly, old boy.

AUG. We'll make a little party--two nice girls, eh? What do you think of a little fricassée de poulet et pommes de terres frites?

ALPH. No, I don't think so; but I never go in for politics.

AUG. You funny fellow, you will have your little joke! But I'll go and order these drinks. What shall it be--Moët?

ALPH. Yes, the more the merrier.

AUG. (_Going towards pavilion, calling._) Waiter--waiter!

[_Exit into refreshment-room._

ALPH. My word, what a dude he is! It's a wonder he ain't _subdude_ sometimes, don't you know. But it must be near my girl's time. (_Looks at watch._) She ought to have been here now. I hope she don't meet that girl I have been dancing with. I must be above those things before her. What the eye don't see the ear can't see either. Hallo, I do believe I see a female figure. No, it ain't her! I wish when she comes, I had the courage to propose to her. I've got the ring and everything ready. A nice ring--six carat. I must get a couple of pen'oth of whiskers--I mean whiskey--and some four ale down me to back me up like. That's a good idea. I'll just try a little drop now on account.

[_Exit into refreshment-room._

_Enter HANDSAW, R. 1 E._

HAND. Well, up to the present I haven't seen any suspicious-looking characters round here! I've been sent down here because there's been some daring robberies of antique sculpture, and one among 'em is a genuine antique of Venus, worth thousands of pounds; and it's been hidden away in some public gardens and palmed on to the manager as merely plaster, and took a trifle for it, so that when the coast was clear they'd be able to come for it again, and take it abroad. A very clever idea! But I'll find out where this figure is. It is in some public gardens. (_Looks at figures._) I don't suppose it's among those; but I'll wait a bit. Why, blow me, here's one covered up! (_Looks under cloth of C. figure._) My eye, what a beauty! What, if this should be the missing Venus. So soon! I'll hang about here anyhow.

[_Strolls off, L. 1 E._

_Enter JANE, R. U. E._

JANE. I'm a little behind-hand to meet my Alphonzo. But better late than never. I said I would meet him by the refreshment-room. (_Looks in._) Why, there he is! I'll just go in and surprise him.

[_Exit into refreshment-room._

_Enter HANDSAW, R. 1 E._

HAND. At last! I felt certain I should capture my man or men to-night. I just saw two fellows climbing over the wall yonder--one had a sack. I am certain they're coming for this figure. I'll let 'em think the coast is quite clear, and then when they've got the figure in the sack--then I'll come on 'em like a ton of coal. I'll keep round about here. This is glorious.

[_Goes off, R. 1 E._

_Enter ALPHONZO and JANE, from refreshment-room. Alphonzo drunk._

JANE. Well, I must say you're a nice young gentleman! After failing to meet me at the mentioned spot, you get beastly intoxicated. (_Stamping her foot._) It is really shameful!

ALPH. 'Squse me, Jane, I'm not intoxicated--I'm excited. (_Aside._) I must propose to-night--I feel I must.

JANE. I think it's too bad of you, and I came here thinking I was going to enjoy a dance.

ALPH. Ah, Jane, don't think of dancing--think of what I am about to say!

JANE. (_Aside._) Oh, my, he's going to propose! (_Aloud._) What is it?

ALPH. (_Suddenly._) Jane, I have something burning within me----

JANE. (_Sighing._) Ah, me--ah, me!

ALPH. No, not an army--not the Salvation Army; but it is an indescribable something that soars on high--a something that--that---- Do not interrupt me.

JANE. I didn't interrupt you.

ALPH. Well, why didn't you? Ah, Jane, did you but know--if you only knew----

JANE. What?

ALPH. I don't know. Never mind, bring up all that is past and is to come. I have something to say to you--something to ask you, which means life or death to me.

JANE. (_Aside._) He's going to ask me to marry him. (_Aloud._) What is it?

ALPH. Tell me--tell me----

JANE. Yes--yes.

ALPH. Has your mother sold the mangle?

JANE. (_Smacking his face._) You're a fool!

ALPH. Jane, you have touched me on a tender spot.

JANE. Where?

ALPH. An unseen place. You have called me a fool! I can stand being called a thief, swindler, liar, or even murderer, but when a person calls me a fool, they insult the mother I board with! Away, woman, don't attempt to cajole me!

JANE. (_Crying._) I ain't--I don't want to cajole you!

ALPH. Why don't you come and _catch hold_ of me? Come and kiss me!

JANE. (_Crying._) I sha'n't, you nasty, ugly, dirty, drunken beast.

ALPH. When you speak loving words like those, I know you love me! Come and kiss your little snowdrop!

JANE. (_Annoyed._) Kiss you? Not I. When I kiss anyone it will be a fine, tall, handsome gentleman, someone who hasn't lost all idea of chivalry!

ALPH. (_Taken back._) I didn't mean what you said. I mean I didn't say what I mean!

JANE. I won't speak to you again. I will find a gentleman to take me home. (_Aside._) Ah, here comes a gentleman from the Pavilion! I will speak to him, and make little Alphonzo jealous. I'll serve him out for getting drunk.

_Enter AUGUSTUS from refreshment-room._

AUG. Ah, here you are, Alphonzo, and this I presume is your young lady, don't you know?

(_Bowing.--Business._)

ALPH. Yes, you do presume, don't you know! (_Aside._) This fellow will cut me out if I don't take care.

AUG. (_To Jane._) May I take the liberty of asking you to take a little refreshment?

JANE. Certainly!

(_Takes his arm._)

ALPH. Well, I shall get the needle in a minute. (_To Augustus._) Look here, old man, I am----

AUG. Some other time, old chappie!

ALPH. But I paid her fare down here!

AUG. Well, I'll take care of her till I see you are a little more sober, don't you know.

ALPH. No; I don't know.

AUG. (_To Jane._) There is going to be a little dancing in the pavilion.

JANE. Oh, that will be lovely!

AUG. And may I have the pleasure of your hand?

ALPH. He'll have the pleasure of my foot!

AUG. As I was saying, may I have the pleasure of your hand in the dance?

JANE. With pleasure.

(_Waltz played piano._)

AUG. Ah, they've started! Let us join the revelry.

ALPH. Go to the devilry! False girl, you have blighted my maiden heart!

(_Jane laughs._)

AUG. (_Laughing._) Ah, that's truly funny, old chappie, don't you know! Come along, Ma'mselle!

[_Exit Augustus and Jane into pavilion._

ALPH. Well, this is a pretty state of things! He walks off with my girl and calls her a dam sell. What shall I do? And to think I got this ring out of pawn to give her! I must regain her somehow! How shall I do it? I know. I'll ask her to marry me. I must practise it a bit. I have it. I'll practise with one of these figures. (_Looks at them._) No; I don't like the look of them--they ain't got enough cloth's on! Hallo, here's another! She's covered up. Let's see if she's dressed a little more decent.

_He throws the covering by, discovering VENUS. Limelight. Stage fully dark.--Picture.--She is discovered sitting on a chair--(trick chair)--her arm extended. As limelight falls full on her, HANDSAW appears, R. 1 E. Music--piano till end of Act._

HAND. (_Aside._) Hallo, another one! Then there's a gang of 'em here! I may have to get assistance.

[_Withdraws._

ALPH. (_Who up to now has been contemplating the figure._) My eye, ain't she a beauty! I'll practise with this one. Now, where's that ring? I wonder if it will fit her?

_Puts ring on the figure's finger. As he is doing so, HANDSAW looks on, R. 1 E._

HAND. I wish I could see his face. I can't get a glimpse.

[_Withdraws._

ALPH. Most lovely creature, here behold me at your very feet. (_Falls._) Quite so. I love the very ground I walk on! Say you will marry me, and you shall never know a moment's happiness? (_Business.--Scream inside pavilion._) What's that? Someone been run over? Never mind, as I said before----

(_Scream outside._)

_AUGUSTUS rushes in from refreshment-room._

AUG. Oh, old fellow, your sweetheart has just had----

ALPH. (_Excitedly._) Kittens? No, it cannot be!

AUG. Don't be a fool! She's just had a fit. Come and assist her!

ALPH. I'll be a husband to her; and I'll see if I can't _a sis_ter.

AUG. Come at once.

[_Rushes off into pavilion._

ALPH. I must get that ring off first. (_Business.--He tries to get ring off--can't._) I can't get it off--it's stuck! What am I to do? (_Scream inside._) There's Jane broke another button off her boots!

AUGUSTUS. (_Calling from inside._) Latherum, are you coming?

ALPH. I can't get it off! (_Very excited._) It won't come off!

(_Business--trying to get ring off._)

AUGUSTUS. (_Inside._) Are you coming? Her head's on fire!

ALPH. Fetch a fire-escape! Try a cabbage-leaf! What am I to do?

AUGUSTUS. (_Inside._) She's gone into hysterics.

ALPH. (_To figure, in desperation._) There you are, do you hear that? She's gone into rheumatics. Will you give that ring up?

VENUS. (_Moving for the first time._) No!

ALPH. (_Terrified._) Great Scott, I could have sworn I heard it speak! Am I bewitched? Am I dreaming? My head reels--I feel like a balloon with the gas going out!

(_Falls nearly under a seat._)

VENUS. (_Pointing to Alphonzo._) Dream on! That ring gives me life! Awakened out of my long, long trance, this ring has made thee mine! I feel the love within me now I did for Adonis. I will follow thee through the world. This ring has given me life, awakened me from my trance. Venus is not dead or ne'er can die! Love rules the world. I will rule--(_to Alphonzo_)--aye, rule thy future destiny! Dream on--dream on!

(_Front cloth falls in._)

(_Music, forte.--Close in "Clouds" flats.--First grove.--This scene is only to give time for a double made up like Alphonzo, to take his place. The rest of this absurdity is supposed to be a nightmare.--Gong.--Scene Opens._)