SCENE II.

(_Room in home of Frank and Alice in Topsy Turvy Land_,)

(_Enter Frank and Alice._)

ALICE--There! Just look at this room! I pick up and pick up, and the minute I go out, when I come back it’s all to do over again. I never was so sick of anything in all my life, as I am of this Topsy Turvy Land!

FRANK--(_placing chair correctly, and sitting down_) I wish I could get hold of that Fairy for a few minutes, that’s what!

ALICE--(_also sitting down_) What could you do with a fairy, I’d like to know? She’d do something to you before you could say “Jack Robinson.” (_She looks up, crossly, as Knarf enters and seats himself on a chair, just as it is._) I do wish, Knarf, you’d learn to knock!

KNARF--And I do wish, Alice, that you’d remember that our music teacher has told us over and over, never to knock, even if you do request it, since it is a bad breach of good manners to do so.

ECILA--(_entering and seating herself_) Don’t you like company, really, Alice?

ALICE--Why, I like you, Ecila, as well, or better, than anything else in this awful place. But--(_begins to cry_) Oh, I’m so homesick, and so tired of everything being topsy turvy! If I could go home, I’d never complain about minding again, or rules, either!

KNARF--Well, of course it is too bad that you haven’t any grown-ups to make mind.

ALICE--I don’t want to make anyone mind. I want my own dear mother and father and grandma, too. I’d be glad to mind them, if I could only get a chance.

ECILA--If you could only find the Fairy who brought you here--

FRANK--Well, we can’t. We’ve hunted and hunted, but we never seem to get anywhere when we start out.

KNARF--Of course not. All roads lead to nowhere in Topsy Turvy Land. Did yours lead somewhere?

FRANK--Of course they did. And our teachers knew something. They made you study and learn your lessons, instead of calling you a hopeless little blockhead because you didn’t ask them a lot of foolish questions about nothing in particular.

ALICE--And that music teacher is just the limit. Manners, indeed! The things he calls manners are the most impolite things imaginable. And dancing! To walk slowly here and there, and sit down every so many steps isn’t dancing!

KNARF--What is it, then?

FRANK--Tomfoolery. And what he calls whistling is nothing more than buzzing! Music teacher! He doesn’t teach a bit of music!

KNARF--Why, manners and dancing and whistling are music.

ALICE--They are not! The only thing the least bit like music that I’ve heard since I came here is that measly little song the Spankety Man sings every Friday.

ECILA--That isn’t music! That queer noise he makes! And all the Moms know loora-laddy. I should think you’d call that music.

ALICE--Well, I don’t. And I don’t even know what time of year it is. Your days and nights are so mixed up that one can’t keep track of them at all. We shan’t even know when the Christmas holidays come.

KNARF--Yes, you will, for they’re here now, just as soon as Gother Moose gets here.

DERF--(_entering and seating himself in the overturned table_) Gother Moose is a-coming, now.

ALICE--Mother Goose, I bet it is. Is she real?

DERF--’Course her is!

ECILA--Why shouldn’t she be?

ALICE--Why, our Mother Goose is just a book of rhymes and jingles--sort of stories, you know.

DERF--Dat’s what Gother Moose does--tells stories. Here her comes.

GOTHER MOOSE--(_entering_) Well, well, whom have we here?

DERF--Erf chilluns.

GOTHER MOOSE--Earth children! I’m afraid they belong under the jurisdiction of my sin twister, who tells her stories in a queer, jerky sort of fashion. Call in the others, and I’ll be about my task, for I must journey on to make the Christmas holidays begin in the other places. I’m late, as it is. (_Dad, Mom, and Marg run in, and seat themselves, all using the furniture as it is. Gother Moose remains standing._)

GOTHER MOOSE--What shall I tell you this time?

DERF--Hackey Jorner.

GOTHER MOOSE--Hackey Jorner was a very little boy, no bigger than Derf. One time he sat down in the middle of the room, where the sides came together, and put his foot into the oven, which was very cold. He pulled out a very small pie, all piping hot, and held it neatly on his knuckles. Then with his fingers on the other hand, he began to eat it. He took a bite, then he took another, then he took another, then he took another, then he took another, then he took another, then he took another, then he took another, then--

FRANK--Oh, go on! Never mind so many bites.

GOTHER MOOSE--But he has only had eight bites. That would be too large a pie, and this was a small one. So he took another bite, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then he took another, and then--what do you think?

FRANK--Oh, he took another, probably.

ALICE--No, he found a plum.

GOTHER MOOSE--A plum? What a queer word! No he found no plum, he found--that he couldn’t take another, because his pie was gone.

DERF--Tell anodder. Dat was a fine one. Wasn’t it, Alice?

FRANK--Very nice indeed--quite all of a sameness.

GOTHER MOOSE--Ecila may choose this time.

ECILA--Little Po Beeb.

GOTHER MOOSE--Little Po Beeb had one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twelve, woolly cats. One night Po Beeb did not go to sleep at all, but sat up watching her woolly cats, and as she watched, they trotted off, down the hill to the very top, then out of sight, and--

ALICE--She couldn’t tell where to find them.

GOTHER MOOSE--Certainly she could. They were just under the top of the hill, behind a very small tree. Po Beeb and the Spankety Man walked after them, and they all came right back. They had gone for a drink of water.

ALICE--So they all came home, wagging their tails behind them.

GOTHER MOOSE--Certainly not. They did not come home, they went home, and they had no tails at all. Cats never have any tails. And no animal in Topsy-Turvy Land, except the terrible Wincheopactylus, ever wears its tail behind it. It always dangles gracefully forward over the left shoulder. But I must hurry on, to tell the Christmas stories to other Topsy Turvy children. Badgye. Watch for Clanty Sauce.

KNARF AND ECILA--We will.

DERF--Yes, us will.

ALICE--Clanty Sauce! Oh, Frank, perhaps he’s our own dear Santa Claus, and will take us home.

FRANK--You can’t catch Santa Claus. Haven’t we tried, lots of times and did we catch even a glimpse of him?

ECILA--What a shame! So you never got any presents?

ALICE--Of course we did. But--(_start as Greenies come tumbling in_) what are these?

DERF--The Greenies! The Greenies!

GREENIES--

The Greenies are we. As sly as can be, We creep to your window, at night, you see. And whisper low, as the still winds blow, “Watch for Old Clanty Sauce, don’t let him go!”

(_Shout out the fourth line as loudly as possible._)

FRANK--That’s what you’d call whispering. What would a shout be like, I wonder?

GREENIES--

The Greenies are we. As loud as can be, We call to the children to look and see. And loudly shout, as we scamper out,

(_Seat themselves on floor, and whisper last line._)

“Watch for old Clanty Sauce. He’s round about.”

(_Greenies rise and begin to tiptoe about, peering in every nook and corner, and just as intently into the air, or the middle of the floor._)

ALICE--Well, I shan’t watch for him. He doesn’t like it.

GREENIES--Then you won’t get no presents, nor nothing, not never.

FRANK--What grammar.

ALICE--It’s Topsy Turvy language, I suppose. But how about the presents?

ECILA--Why--(_turns to Marg, who has been sitting demurely, without a word, since entering, as have Dad and Mom._) Marg, you are the biggest. You tell the little girl about the presents.

MARG--Why, old Clanty Sauce always brings a whole lot of them.

FRANK--Sure. On his back.

MARG--Why, no. In a big box in his arms. And if you see him, he’ll give you some.

DERF--And if you don’t see him, you won’t det none, not nany tall.

GREENIES--

Watch for old Clanty. He lives in a shanty Way down in the hot, hot north. The Greenies come tumbling and rolling and rumbling, To tell when old Clanty comes forth.

(_They begin to roll and tumble. While the children watch them, Frank takes his paper out, and begins to write._)

KNARF--(_suspiciously_) What you doing?

FRANK--Writing him a letter, to tell him what I want.

KNARF--Well, you just stop it.

FRANK--Why?

KNARF--Last place, because he couldn’t make tail nor head of it any way.

DERF--Next pace, ’cause taint no good manners to tell what you want.

ECILA--First place, ’cause he always knows what you want, anyway, and brings the nicest things you can think of.

ALICE--Oh, it must be our own dear Santa. Perhaps we really will see him. (_Clanty, who has peeped in, and quickly drawn back._) Perhaps not. (_Marg has slowly drawn near door, and been watching closely. When Clanty draws back, she has him by the leg, and pulls him in._)

MARG--Perhaps we will.

(_Rest of Topsy Turvy folks._)

See! We see! Old Clanty’s caught! He’ll give us presents, as he ought.

(_Clanty tries to break away, but they surround him._)

CLANTY--(_to Greenies_) Step out and fetch the box. (_They run out, and return, dragging a large box._)

ALICE--Oh, it isn’t our Santa at all!

CLANTY--

Not Santa, but Clanty, who lives in a shanty, And makes pretty presents for all. He’ll find in the box, who loud on it knocks, There’s something for great and for small.

ECILA--Have you something for earth children too, Clanty dear?

CLANTY--

There’s something to please all, within. Never fear. Come, Marg, you’re the biggest, so you first shall knock, And open the box without hinges or lock.

(_Marg steps up, courtesies low to Clanty, and knocks three times on box, repeating._)

MARG--Open box, shut box. This is Marg who loudly knocks.

(_Box opens and boy within, hidden from audience by raised cover, hands Marg a baby doll, which should be dressed backward, a rattle, a box of blocks, an orange, and a bag of candy, then closes box._)

MARG--(_courtesying again_) You’re welcome Clanty Sauce.

(_She sits down on floor, in centre, so others have to step around her, and begins building houses with her blocks, hugging her dolly, upside down, and eating candy, at the same time._)

CLANTY--

Mom is next to open the box. See what she gets when she knocks.

(_Mom steps up, courtesies, knocks three times, and repeats couplet. Boy hands her a teaset, an orange, a bag of candy, and a sled._)

MOM--(_courtesying_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce.

(_She sits down on sled and begins to set a table on it, placing every thing topsy turvy, of course. Then she begins to bite her orange, setting pieces of candy as best she may on the dishes, and keeping an eye out towards Dad._)

CLANTY--

Dad’s gifts from the box come next, If he can plainly say the text.

(_Dad bows low, knocks, repeats couplet, and gets one skate, a small bag of stones, an orange, and candy._)

DAD--(_bowing_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce.

(_Dad sits down near Frank, and begins to try on skate, wrong side up, and hind side before._)

FRANK--That’s not the way.

DAD--(_beginning to stuff his candy_) Hush, you mustn’t talk! (_Frank looks indignant, but stops._)

CLANTY--

Derf next in the box may see At his gifts he’ll howl with glee.

(_Derf repeats bow, knock, and formula, and receives a very large slipper, a pipe, an orange, and candy._)

DERF--(_bowing_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce. (_gives a shout._) Dese are dandy presents.

FRANK--(_aside_) I should think so! Hope mine won’t be like them.

(_Derf sits down, puts both feet into one slipper, puts pipe in mouth so bowl points downward, and occasionally pops in a piece of candy without removing pipe from mouth._)

CLANTY--

Next comes Ecila so dear. She’ll find something nice, ’tis clear. And Knarf may try his luck, also. He’ll find something nice, I know.

(_They advance together, go through formula, and receive presents. Knarf gets a handkerchief and a necktie, and Ecila a pincushion and a pair of scissors. Both receive oranges and candy. They repeat together “You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce,” then go back to places. Ecila puts scissors into her hair, for an ornament, and sits down on the pincushion, beginning to eat her orange. Knarf ties the necktie on his ankle, knots the handkerchief into a cap, and munches his candy._)

CLANTY--

Now, Earth children, knock on the box. No fear But there’ll be something you like, in here.

(_Frank and Alice repeat the formula. Alice gets an engine and an air-gun, and Frank a doll and a wide pink ribbon. Both get the inevitable orange and candy._)

BOTH--Thank you, Santa Claus. But we may exchange presents, mayn’t we?

CLANTY--

No change is allowed. If to change two should dare, Their presents would melt away into thin air. Come, Greenies, the box drag out, I must away, When my gifts are all given, no longer I stay.

(_Greenies drag out box. Clanty follows._)

ALL--(_save Frank and Alice_) You’re welcome, Clanty Sauce, you’re welcome!

(_Frank and Alice stand gazing at their presents._)

ECILA--Why don’t you eat your orange?

KNARF--And the candy’s great. It’s sweet as can be!

(_Both pop a piece of candy into their mouths, but quickly take it out._)

ALICE--It’s awful sour!

FRANK--Sourer than a lemon.

KNARF--Sweeter than a lemon, you mean. Don’t you know sweet from sour?

ALICE--Is it all what you call sweet?

DERF--’Course. Candy’s always sweet. Don’t you like it, Girl?

ALICE--No, I don’t. You may have the whole bagful.

KNARF--Give me yours, old chap, if you don’t like it.

FRANK--No, Marg may have mine. She’s little.

KNARF--I should think she was!

ECILA--Try the orange. Perhaps you’ll like that better.

ALICE--(_suspiciously regarding hers_) Is that sweet, too?

ECILA--No.

FRANK--Is it sour?

ECILA--Why, no. It’s--just orangy tasting.

(_The children taste theirs, gingerly, then Frank throws his, and Derf scrambles to get it._)

FRANK--(_indignantly_) Do you call pepper orangy tasting?

KNARF--Aren’t they like yours?

ALICE--Why, no. They’re hot with pepper.

ECILA--I don’t know what pepper is, but oranges here always taste like that. They’re good, I think.

ALICE--Then you may have mine (_passes it._) Oh, Frank, don’t swing her by one leg, like that!

FRANK--(_holding doll out and looking at it._) Well, what do I want of the thing? And if we can’t swap--

ALICE--We can play with each other’s things. (_holds out hand for doll._)

ECILA--(_catching her hand back_) You mustn’t. No one can touch another’s Christmas presents. If they do, they’ll get caught by the Wincheopactylus, and eaten for his Christmas dinner.

FRANK--Well, of all the mean Christmases! That gun and engine are dandy, if only I had ’em, though! (_Looks at Knarf, who is counting over his stones._) What are those good for?

KNARF--Why, they’re kites.

FRANK--Kites. We call ’em rocks, or stones. You can’t fly them, I know.

KNARF--Oh yes, I can. You know that tall place you called a well? They’ll fly clear to the top of that, if I drop ’em.

FRANK--(_indignantly, looking at Dad_) And see that one skate! Where’s the mate to it?

DAD--It doesn’t need a mate. You only skate on one foot at a time, you know.

FRANK--I should think you’d look pretty, balancing on one skate on the ice.

ALL--Why, we don’t skate on _ice!_

ALICE--(_beginning to cry_) Oh, I want to go home. I want to go home! It’s a dreadful Christmas! Oh, I’d be so good if I could only go home!

FRANK--So would I. No more grumbling for this young chap.

FAIRY--(_dancing in_) So you’ve come to your senses?

FRANK--Yes, indeed we have, dear Fairy. If you’ll only take us home, we’ll mind our teachers and parents, and be willing to keep rules, and learn lessons.

FAIRY--You will? And you, Alice?

ALICE--Oh, take us home, dear Fairy, do! I’ll be so good, if you will.

FAIRY--And you’ll remember the lessons you’ve learned?

BOTH--We will. We couldn’t help it. (_Fairy has flitted to front. They have followed, leaving all the others where curtain will hide them when it falls._)

FAIRY--Then close your eyes, take hold of hands, and turn around three times, saying, “Home again, home again, never to return again,” then open your eyes, and you’ll see what you’ll see.

(_As they do so, inner curtain falls, and she flits out. As they open their eyes, she calls back, “Remember.”_)

ALICE--Oh we are, we are, back again! There’s the schoolhouse!

FRANK--And I’m glad to see it. Think of that! What a dreadful place Topsy Turvy Land was!

ALICE--I’m sure we’ll remember our promise. Only think if we had to go back again!

FRANK--There’s just one thing I wish I’d seen--that awful wild beast of theirs.

ALICE--It might have eaten you up. I’m glad we didn’t see it. No more Topsy Turvy things for me. I think it was all dreadful.

FRANK--And the worst of all was that Topsy Turvy Christmas!

ALICE--Let’s run home and find out if Christmas has really come here.

FRANK--Let’s hope it hasn’t.

BOTH--But no Christmas at all would be better than a Topsy Turvy Christmas! (_Both run out, hand in hand._)

CURTAIN.

Christmas Entertainments

=CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER.= A new Christmas play by Elizabeth F. Guptill that abounds in clean, wholesome fun from beginning to end. It depicts the trials of the teacher of an old-fashioned “deestric school” in conducting the last rehearsal for the Christmas Entertainment. Some of the pupils are in “custom,” as big Jake puts it, and “Sandy Claus” is there. The children go through their parts with gusto and more or less success. May be given in any schoolroom by any number. Easy to produce. Costumes simple. Children and grown-ups will be delighted with CHRISTMAS AT PUNKIN HOLLER. Price, 15 cents.

=A TOPSY TURVY CHRISTMAS.= Another new Christmas play by Elizabeth F. Guptill. It is decidedly humorous from start to finish. The characters are strong and at every turn of the play there is a happy surprise for the audience. The children are tired of “minding,” and everything being “just so,” so they start to find a place where they will find things different. They find it in Topsy Turvy Land, where they have strange experiences. When at last they have a Topsy Turvy Christmas, they are ready to go home and be satisfied with things just as they are. May be given in any school-room by any number of children not less than fifteen. In two short scenes. This clever play will prove a sure winner wherever produced. Price, 15 cents.

=CHRISTMAS AT McCARTHY’S.= Elizabeth F. Guptill. Here is a new Christmas play for the older children and as many young children as are available. It combines in a marked degree the gentlest pathos and the most sparkling humor. Several nationalities are represented in the tenement and there is opportunity for the introduction of specialties if desired. Circumstances cause Elsie, the tenement orphan, to believe Jimmy, the newsboy, will buy her a Christmas present, and it seems it is up to Jimmy to do it. Christmas is an unknown quantity at the tenement, but all agree that Elsie must not be disappointed, and plan to have one somehow. The entertainment is given by the “inhabitints thimsilves,” at McCarthy’s. In the midst of the fun, Elsie’s lost father walks in, and the finale is a general rejoicing. Price, 25c.

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=EVERGREEN AND HOLLY--SONG AND DRILL.= By Elizabeth F. Guptill. A drill for any even number of boys and girls, or all girls. The girls carry garlands of evergreen while the boys carry wreaths of the same. After a spectacular drill and fancy march they all sing a beautiful Christmas song, which accompanies the drill. Following the song they wind a spiral to the center of the stage, unwind same and march off. Complete instructions are given. It is the best Christmas drill ever published; easy to produce and decidedly novel. Price, 15 cents.

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Transcriber’s Note:

Spelling and punctuation have been retained as published, including the use of “courtesy” for what today we would spell as “curtsey”, except as follows:

Page 4 thinest boy obtainable _changed to_ thinnest boy obtainable

Page 6 FRANK(_crossly_) Nothing _changed to_ FRANK--(_crossly_) Nothing

Why Shouldn’t the grown-ups _changed to_ Why shouldn’t the grown-ups

Page 9 You’re father must look funny _changed to_ Your father must look funny

Big as that, _changed to_ Big as that.

Did you call me, Knarf.? _changed to_ Did you call me, Knarf?

Page 10 Mom (_hanging head_) I’ve got a cold _changed to_ Mom--(_hanging head_) I’ve got a cold

Page 11 begins to whistle, lowdly _changed to_ begins to whistle, loudly

Page 16 He dosen’t teach a bit _changed to_ He doesn’t teach a bit

Moose is a coming _changed to_ Moose is a-coming

Course her is _changed to_ ’Course her is

Page 18 He dosen’t like it. _changed to_ He doesn’t like it.

Page 19 KNARF (_suspiciously_) What you doing? _changed to_ KNARF--(_suspiciously_) What you doing?

Page 20 Yuur’e welcome Clanty _changed to_ You’re welcome Clanty

Page 22 You musn’t. No one can _changed to_ You mustn’t. No one can

of all the mean Christmasses _changed to_ of all the mean Christmases

Page 24 and the everything being _changed to_ and everything being

all sing a beautiful Chistmas _changed to_ all sing a beautiful Christmas

End of Project Gutenberg's A Topsy-Turvy Christmas, by Elizabeth F. Guptill