Part 2
_Enter CLAPBOARD, with a lighted candle, which he places on table, followed by EBENEZER._
_Eben._ Now, sir, I’ve caught you at your tricks! Why, he’s gone!
_Clap._ Why, you certainly didn’t expect to find him here.
_Eben._ I certainly did. Where is he?
_Clap._ He’s probably at Jobson’s, over the way. But he’ll be back soon. He’ll be delighted to see you.
_Eben._ Clapboard, you lie! you know he won’t.
_Clap._ Come, come, Mr. Crotchet, don’t insult a man in his own room.
_Eben._ ’Tis false! it’s my room; and you may take yourself out of it just as soon as you can!
_Clap._ You don’t mean to stay here!
_Eben._ Yes, I do. I’ve had another note from my unknown correspondent. The object of his tender attachment visits him every evening, and I’m bound to see her.
_Clap._ O, pshaw, Mr. Crotchet! you’ve been humbugged!
_Eben._ I know it; but I’ll be humbugged no longer; so here I’ll stay to unmask the hypocrite!
_Clap._ Well, stay, then; but if you’re made uncomfortable, don’t blame me.
_Eben._ What do you mean?
_Clap._ No matter; I’ve cautioned you. Keep your eyes open, and don’t blame me. Remember you have been cautioned. Good night.
[_Exit, R._
_Eben._ Clapboard, Clapboard—What does he mean? Can there be any danger? I’m an old fool! What business have I down in this unfrequented place, all alone? I’ll go back. No, I won’t! Horace would laugh and chuckle! He shan’t do that! Who’s afraid? I’ll make myself comfortable on that lounge; and when he comes, he shall learn how terrible is the vengeance of an enraged and injured parent. (_Reclines upon lounge. Noise overhead; jumps up._) What’s that? It’s that infernal soldier! Clapboard said he walks in his sleep. Suppose he should come here—with a loaded musket too! Gracious! (_Trombone heard outside._) There’s the tailor practising. What a confounded din!
_Oak._ (_Sings, outside, very loud._) “My bark is on the sea.”
_Eben._ There’s that sailor going it!
_Tim._ (_Outside, sings._) “Ould kittles to mind! Ould kittles to mind!”
_Eben._ And there’s the tinker. (_Trombone, “ould kittles,” and “bark upon the sea,” all together._) What a confounded din! I wish I was well out of it.
_Enter PICKET, with musket, slowly, on tiptoe._
_Pic._ Who goes dare?
_Eben._ O, heavens! There’s that insane old grenadier! What will become of me?
_Pic._ Sh—! By donder, I see some noise! Sh—! Who goes dare? Sh—! Somepody mit a gun. Advance pefore you speak, and say something. Sh—! (_Creeps about the room on tiptoe._)
_Eben._ (_On lounge._) If he discovers me, I am a lost man!
_Pic._ By donder, if dare ish nopody here, vy don’t you speak? You vant your coat-tails shot through mit a pullet. (_Creeps back to door, R._) I fight mit Sigel. Sh—! By donder! I never hear so mooch silence pefore!
[_Exit, R._
_Eben._ He’s gone. I breathe again. O, Lord, what’s that? (_LOOPSTITCH in the white robe passes slowly across stage, from R. to L., with his arm outstretched, hand pointing straight before him. Exit, L._) An apparition! What infernal place have I got into? I’ll go home at once. (_Goes to R. The door is locked. LOOPSTITCH, without the robe, creeps in, L., and gets behind lounge._)
_Loop._ Sacre! I vill give him a touch of my needles!
_Eben._ What an old donkey I am, to get into such a scrape! What shall I do? I can’t get out. Suppose I alarm the neighborhood! That won’t do; I should have the whole set upon me. I’ll try to sleep. (_Lies upon lounge. LOOPSTITCH leans over and runs a needle into his arm._) O, murder! What’s that? Confound this infernal place! (_LOOPSTITCH sticks another needle._) O, my arm, my arm! (_Jumps up._) I can’t stand this! Here! Help, help, help, help!
_Enter OAKUM, R. Creeps in very mysteriously; takes EBENEZER by the wrist, and leads him down to the front of the stage._
_Oak._ Silence! Sh—!
_Eben._ O, take me out of this! I’m a poor old man.
_Oak._ Silence! Sh—! Listen to me. You received a note from somebody—
_Eben._ Yes, I did. Confound somebody!
_Oak._ Silence! Sh—! “Tender attachment!” It’s all true, by jiminy!
_Eben._ I knew it.
_Oak._ Your son—has a tender attachment. The object of it is approaching. It will soon be here.
_Eben._ You don’t say so!
_Oak._ Old man, you have a son; that son has a tender attachment; the object of that tender attachment—sh—!—will soon be here.
_Eben._ Confound you, you said that before!
_Oak._ Be wise, be cautious, and you shall triumph. Silence! It comes! the—object—comes! (_Creeps off, R._)
_Eben._ Well, that’s the queerest customer that ever I met. Hallo! who’s this?
_Enter TIMOTHY, dressed as the Goddess of Liberty, with a veil thrown over his face._
’Tis she, at last! Now to unmask the villain!
_Tim._ Idol of me sowl!
_Eben._ Irish, as I’m alive!
_Tim._ Och, yees illigent darlint! and did yees think yer own Kathleen, accushla, would deny yees the comfort of her prisence?
_Eben._ So, madam, you are found out! Know, to your sorrow, that you stand in the presence of the father of the unhappy young man you came to meet?
_Tim._ It’s the ould man—is it? Faith, ould chap, how is yes, onyhow?
_Eben._ Insolent!
_Tim._ It’s a foine-looking ould fellow yees are; and is that yer own hair, or is it a wig, I’d like to know.
_Eben._ Young woman, no more of this. I came to snatch my son from your society.
_Tim._ My society! Faix, yes might do better. It’s a comfort I am to him anyhow. You would be afther parting us at all at all!
_Eben._ Hold your tongue, and leave the room!
_Tim._ Hould yees blarney yerself, or I’ll—I’ll pull the hair from your head!
_Eben._ Leave this room, instantly, or I’ll put you out!
_Tim._ You put me out, is it? Begorra! the sooner yees commince that same, the better’s to the liking of Tim Tiupan.
_Eben._ (_Taking hold of him._) Leave the room, I say!
_Tim._ Off wid yees, or I’ll break ivery bone in yees body!
_Eben._ You will—will you? (_Takes hold of him._)
_Tim._ (_Throws off veil._) Arrah, boys, here’s a shindy! Come on, old gint! (_Flourishes his fist._)
_Eben._ Here! Help, help, help! (_TIMOTHY clinches him._) Leave the room!
_Enter HORACE, L., OAKUM, CLAPBOARD, and PICKET, R. LOOPSTITCH crawls from behind lounge._
_Hor._ Why, father! what’s the matter?
_Eben._ O, you villain! you scamp! you renegade! You have come just in time to save your father from a terrible fate! But I’ve found you out! Your “tender attachment” is known to me. Look upon her! Can you look upon your father’s face, and confess a tender attachment to such a thing as that?
_Hor._ Not a tender attachment, father; but I will confess I am under great obligations to that individual, Timothy Tinpan, the tinker.
_Eben._ What! is that woman a man?
_Tim._ Troth, and a foine ould Irish gintleman!
_Hor._ Yes, father, he is one of my models.
_Tim._ Faith, a model Irishman, by yer lave!
_Eben._ Models! What do you mean?
_Hor._ That I have been endeavoring to overcome your repugnance to my becoming a painter, by attempting the execution of a painting which you see upon that easel. These individuals have been my models. Timothy Tinpan, the tinker.
_Tim._ That’s me, sure.
_Hor._ Obed Oakum, the sailor.
_Oak._ Ay, ay; second mate of the Harriet Jones.
_Hor._ Louis Loopstitch, the tailor.
_Loop._ Oui, oui; sal I make you a pair of pantaloons, monsieur?
_Hor._ And Peter Picket, the soldier.
_Pic._ Yaw, dat ish me, mit my gun upon mine pack.
_Eben._ What, and the note I received—
_Hor._ Is one of Harry Jones’s jokes. He confessed it to me an hour ago.
_Eben._ Clapboard, we’ve been making donkeys of ourselves!
_Clap._ Speak for yourself, Mr. Crotchet, I can’t join you in that.
_Eben._ Horace, I’m a meddling old fool. I should have trusted you. I’ll go home. You may go on with your picture; and if out of the material which I find here you can produce anything satisfactory, I’ll give my consent to anything you ask.
_Hor._ Thank you, father. I’m rather discouraged at present; but if these individuals can cure you of “a tender attachment,” they may be of use to me; and if they can help me to achieve my purpose, you will be obliged to admit that there are worse companions than a soldier—
_Pic._ Yaw, what fight mit Sigel.
_Hor._ A sailor—
_Oak._ Tarnal cute, when his bark’s on the sea.
_Hor._ A tinker—
_Tim._ A broth of a boy for minding the broken nose of a tay-kittle.
_Hor._ And a tailor—
_Loop._ Oui, oui; vith vat you call ze tender attachment for ze needle.
_Disposition of Characters at fall of the Curtain._
R. L. LOOP. PICK. TIM. OAK. HOR. CLAP. EBEN.
SPENCER’S UNIVERSAL STAGE.
36. =Diamond cut Diamond.= An Interlude in One Act. By W. H. Murray. 10 Male, 1 Female character.
37. =Look after Brown.= A Farce in One Act. By George A. Stuart, M. D. 6 Male, 1 Female character.
38. =Monseigneur.= A Drama in Three Acts. By Thomas Archer. 15 Male, 3 Female characters.
39. =A very pleasant Evening.= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 3 Male characters.
40. =Brother Ben.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.
41. =Only a Clod.= A Comic Drama in One Act. By J. P. Simpson. 4 Male, 1 Female character.
42. =Gaspardo the Gondolier.= A Drama in Three Acts. By George Almar. 10 Male, 2 Female characters.
43. =Sunshine through the Clouds.= A Drama in One Act. By Slingsby Lawrence. 3 Male, 3 Female characters.
44. =Don’t Judge by Appearances.= A Farce in One Act. By J. M. Morton. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.
45. =Nursey Chickweed.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.
46. =Mary Moo; or, Which shall I Marry?= A Farce in One Act. By W. E. Suter. 2 Male, 1 Female character.
47. =East Lynne.= A Drama in Five Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters.
48. =The Hidden Hand.= A Drama in Five Acts. By Robert Jones. 16 Male, 7 Female characters.
49. =Silverstone’s Wager.= A Commedietta in One Act. By R. R. Andrews. 4 Male, 3 Female characters.
50. =Dora.= A Pastoral Drama in Three Acts. By Charles Reade. 5 Male, 2 Female characters.
51. =Blanks and Prizes.= A Farce in One Act. By Dexter Smith. 5 Male, 2 Female characters.
52. =Old Gooseberry.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.
53. =Who’s Who.= A Farce in One Act. By T. J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.
54. =Bouquet.= A Farce in One Act. 2 Male, 3 Female characters.
55. =The Wife’s Secret.= A Play in Five Acts. By George W. Lovell. 10 Male, 2 Female characters.
56. =The Babes in the Wood.= A Comedy in Three Acts. By Tom Taylor. 10 Male, 8 Female characters.
57. =Putkins: Heir to Castles in the Air.= A Comic Drama in One Act. By W. R. Emerson. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.
58. =An Ugly Customer.= A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.
59. =Blue and Cherry.= A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.
60. =A Doubtful Victory.= A Comedy in One Act. 3 Male, 2 Female characters.
61. =The Scarlet Letter.= A Drama in Three Acts. 8 Male, 7 Female characters.
62. =Which will have Him?= A Vaudeville. 1 Male, 2 Female characters.
63. =Madam is Abed.= A Vaudeville in One Act. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.
64. =The Anonymous Kiss.= A Vaudeville. 2 Male, 2 Female characters.
65. =The Cleft Stick.= A Comedy in Three Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female characters.
66. =A Soldier, a Sailor, a Tinker, and a Tailor.= A Farce in One Act. 4 Male, 2 Female characters.
67. =Give a Dog a Bad Name.= A Farce. 2 Male, 2 Female Characters.
68. =Damon and Pythias.= A Farce. 6 Male, 4 Female characters.
69. =A Husband to Order.= A Serio-Comic Drama in Two Acts. 5 Male, 3 Female characters.
70. =Payable on Demand.= A Domestic Drama in Two Acts. 7 Male, 1 Female character.
_Price, =15= cents each. Descriptive Catalogue mailed free on application to_
CHARLES H. SPENCER, Agent, =149= Washington Street, Boston.
Catalogue of Plays for Amateur Theatricals.
BY GEORGE M. BAKER,
_Author of “Amateur Dramas,” “The Mimic Stage,” “The Social Stage,” &c._
DRAMAS IN TWO ACTS.
SYLVIA’S SOLDIER 3 Male, 2 Female Characters. ONCE ON A TIME 4 ” 2 ” ” DOWN BY THE SEA 6 ” 3 ” ” BREAD ON THE WATERS 5 ” 3 ” ” THE LAST LOAF 5 ” 3 ” ”
DRAMAS IN ONE ACT.
STAND BY THE FLAG 5 Male Characters. THE TEMPTER 3 ” 1 Female Character.
FARCES.—Male and Female Characters.
WE’RE ALL TEETOTALLERS 4 Male, 2 Female Characters. A DROP TOO MUCH 4 ” 2 ” ” THIRTY MINUTES FOR REFRESHMENTS, 4 ” 3 ” ” A LITTLE MORE CIDER 5 ” 3 ” ”
FARCES.—Male Characters only.
WANTED, A MALE COOK 4 Characters. A SEA OF TROUBLES 8 ” FREEDOM OF THE PRESS 8 ” A CLOSE SHAVE 6 ” THE GREAT ELIXIR 9 ” THE MAN WITH THE DEMIJOHN 4 ” HUMORS OF THE STRIKE 6 ” NEW BROOMS SWEEP CLEAN 6 ” MY UNCLE THE CAPTAIN 6 ”
FARCES.—Female Characters only.
THE GREATEST PLAGUE IN LIFE 8 Characters. NO CURE NO PAY 7 ” THE GRECIAN BEND 7 ”
ALLEGORIES.—Arranged for Music and Tableaux.
LIGHTHEART’S PILGRIMAGE 8 Female Characters. THE WAR OF THE ROSES 8 ” ” THE SCULPTOR’S TRIUMPH 1 Male, 4 Female Characters.
MUSICAL AND DRAMATIC ENTERTAINMENTS.
TOO LATE FOR THE TRAIN 2 Male Characters. SNOW-BOUND; OR ALONZO THE BRAVE AND THE FAIR IMOGENE 3 ” 1 Female Character. BONBONS; OR THE PAINT-KING 3 ” 1 ” ” THE PEDDLER OF VERY NICE 7 ” Characters. AN ORIGINAL IDEA 1 ” 1 Female Character. CAPULETTA; OR, ROMEO AND JULIET RESTORED 3 ” 1 ” ”
Temperance Pieces.
THE LAST LOAF. WE’RE ALL TEETOTALLERS. A DROP TOO MUCH. THE MAN WITH THE DEMIJOHN. A LITTLE MORE CIDER. THE TEMPTER.
Plays sent by Mail, postpaid, on receipt of 15 cents each, with the exception of “Snow-Bound” and “Bonbons,” which are 25 cents each.