ACT III.

_Enter +Amphelia+, going to the prison._

+Amph.+ How false a woman to all eyes I seem, Because I still will hide my constant love! This way I take will bravely break my heart, To tell the duke were sneakingly to die: Since, if he knew that I did love him still, With basest scorns he'd laugh my soul to death; Such friendship to this pris'ner I will show, Shall make the duke believe my heart is there. To set him free I'll use my utmost art----. Would I could do as much for this poor heart! This way my love with my designs complies, Thus one in chains another's chains unties. I have made the jailor mine already, By promising him these hundred pieces-- 'Tis now about the time I appointed To be here--

_Enter +Jailor+._

O, yonder's the jailor expecting me-- Here, jailor, here's for thy Honesty: may the business be done now?

+Jailor.+ O madam, never at a fitter time; take you The key and go in to the prisoner; Whilst I go see the passage clear, Stand you at th' door, and when I beckon To you, come away.

+Amph.+ Honest jailor?

+Jailor.+ So, now I am just i' th' fashion; I have taken Money to do her business, and instead Of doing it I have undone it.

_Enter +Duke+ and +Ortellus+._

+Ort.+ 'Tis so, sir. The jailor has discover'd all to me. Here He comes.

+Jailor.+ And please your highness to stand close Here, for the lady Amphelia is now With the prisoner; I have given her a Key to convey him through this private passage; As soon as I beckon to her, she will come Away with him. [_Beckons her._

+Amph.+ Come, sir, give me your hand; The jailor beckons me; the way is clear.

+Duke.+ Hold, lady, and your love, we must shorten Your journey a little.

+Amph.+ Ha! the duke and Ortellus! I am betray'd! O villain jailor!

+Ort.+ Sir, I fear we've interrupted them; it may be They were going to be married; ha, ha, ha!

+Amph.+ If I were, 'twas what I refused you, Ortellus; that makes you so mad.

+Duke.+ Well, madam, If you have a mind to be married, a priest Shall not join your hands, but you shall go both Back to the prison, and th' jailor shall tie you Both hands and legs together.

+Amph.+ Know, sir, A prison with this brave gentleman Will be greater paradise to me, than to Be mistress of your palace. What do I say? [_Aside._

+Duke.+ Well you shall have your desire then; ye shall live Together, and die together. How could I speak that word to her? [_Aside._

+Zor.+ She die, sir! Wou'd you destroy so great a world of virtue? Rather invent two deaths for me, that I May die for her too. You'll rob Your dukedom of your greatest treasure to take Away so blest a life as hers: let not An axe part such a head and body, Lest heaven frown and call you murderer. You'll pull Upon your head all mankind's curse: when nature Sees her bounty thus rewarded, she will Turn miser, and will give no more such blessings To th' world as this fair saint.

+Duke.+ Well, sir, I'm satisfied ye like one another, so you Shall both return back to your straw beds, there you May lie as close together as you please.

+Amph.+ No, sir, virtue shall lie betwixt us.

+Duke.+ You will want a pillow, till you come both To execution, then you shall have one-- A block to lay your heads on.

+Amph.+ Know, [O] duke, My head will rest better with his upon a block, Than with yours on the softest pillow. How Many lies must I confess, before I die. [_Aside._

+Duke.+ Indeed, you'll sleep pretty soundly. See, her scorn To me makes death a pleasure to her. [_Aside._ My lord, give order that she may be brought Immediately to her trial; in the meantime, Jailor, take them into your custody; Lay 'em in shackles both. Cousin, many thanks To you for this timely discovery. I must leave you awhile. [_Exit._

+Ort.+ Duke, you shall have Less to thank me for, else I am deceiv'd. I've found out he loves Amphelia still, So she does him. Now will I go possess Arbatus of this, and tell him how the duke Intends to fool his sister. He has the Character of so strict a brother, and so brave A spirit, that his soul will never digest This injury without the duke's blood. Will join with him, and tell him how The business may be done. By this, one of these three things shall I have Either a mistress, dukedom, or a grave.

_Enter +Arbatus+ and +Artabella+._

See, here comes Arbatus and his sister Artabella; they talk very earnestly.

+Arb.+ Sister, I do not like it; the duke will Fool ye.

+Art.+ Indeed, brother, I am amaz'd At this delay.

+Arb.+ How does he carry himself To you?

+Art.+ With all respect imaginable.

+Arb.+ Then there must be something more in't, That he defers his marriage thus.

+Ort.+ There is So, sir.

+Arb.+ My lord, heark'ning's but a base office; But if you have heard it, 'tis no treason.

+Ort.+ No, sir, but it is falseness in the duke, To use your worthy sister thus. I came To tell you upon my knowledge, he never Intended to marry her.

+Arb.+ My lord, though I believe it, you must pardon Me, if I wonder at this information From your lordship, that is his near cousin.

+Ort.+ Sir, you have the character of so brave A gentleman, conscience and honour Bids me discover this to you and your sister: Think of a way of being reveng'd, and here's My hand and heart to help you.

+Arb.+ Pardon Me, that I cannot thank you truly, because I needs must doubt this offer from your lordship.

+Ort.+ What can I say to confirm you? will the Word and honour of a gentleman do't?

+Arb.+ To me those are things of great value.

+Ort.+ Then here I give them both.

+Arb.+ But what to do, my lord?

+Ort.+ What you will.

+Arb.+ Perhaps you think I'd have you Ask some place about the court for me, in Recompense of this injury to my sister?

+Ort.+ No, sir, had you been such a person, I Should not have trusted you thus far with what I have said. I say [it] again, I am Your friend; if you doubt it, you wrong my honour.

+Arb.+ Why then, my lord, to be short, nothing will Satisfy me, but the duke's----

+Ort.+ What?

+Arb.+ Blood.

+Ort.+ Why, Thou shalt have it all, if I can help thee To't; this night will I convey you privately Into his bed-chamber. Come along with me, And I will tell you all. [_Exit._

+Arb.+ My lord, I follow you. Sister, go to your chamber.

+Art.+ O brother! Heaven preserve you in this danger.

+Arb.+ Now It comes into my head, I need not doubt This lord's truth; he is next heir to the dukedom, If the duke die without issue. 'Tis base in him the duke's life to pursue, His blood is only to my sister due. [_Exit._

+Art.+ False duke, thou justly hast deserv'd thy death; To cheat the innocent is a double crime; I had no cunning guard about this heart To keep it safe from a seducing tongue. I have lost my heart, which he by falseness won; How soon is truth and innocence undone! [_Exit._

_Enter +Philidor+._

+Phil.+ Pray remember the poor prisoners, pray Remember the prisoners. Well, had I Not taken this course with the regiment Of women that I have promis'd to marry, I should have been devour'd by 'em by this Time. They came just now into my chamber, One by one, hoping to have found me alone, To have preach'd matrimony to me; but, To my blest deliverance, no sooner One was there, but another came; so I Persuaded them one by one, to slip up Into a garret: so still as one knock'd At the door, the t'other ascended; there Have I secur'd them with this key, and there Must I keep them till I have made Conditions with them.

_Enter +Mirida+._

O, here comes Mirida. Pray remember the poor prisoners, pray Remember the poor prisoners.

+Mir.+ Who the devil's that, Philidor?

+Phil.+ The very same, my mettled female.

+Mir.+ Why, What mad prank art thou playing now?

+Phil.+ Alack- A-day, I have great cares upon me; I Must provide meat for half-a-dozen ladies, That shou'd have been my spouses. Look up yonder; In that very garret, for aught I know, they Must dine and sup at my charge as long as They live; and thus must I be their cook every Day, and beg their first and second course.

+Mir.+ I am sorry to hear this, because 'tis A wilder trick than I have done lately To any of my lovers. Prythee, let's Go under the window, and call to them.

+Phil.+ Come away, you shall hear what vollies we shall Have from the castle. Most excellent Amazonian ladies, look out, and behold Your labouring purveyor, what pains he Takes to victual your castle, Because he knows you must be long there. [_Women look out._

+1st Lady.+ Rogue!

+2d Lady.+ Rascal!

+3d Lady.+ Villain!

+4th Lady.+ Dog!

+5th Lady.+ Slave!

+6th Lady.+ Hell-hound!

+Phil.+ Methinks you represent the hemisphere, Because you are enthron'd so high; your eyes Appear like stars to us poor mortals here Below.

+1st Lady.+ Villain, if we had thee here, thou Should'st find it hell.

+Mir.+ Pray, ladies, what makes you So angry? Methinks the gentleman is Your friend, and has holpt you nearer heaven Than perhaps e'er a one of you would ever Have been.

+2d Lady.+ What's that you say, little piss-a-bed?

+Mir.+ Sweet angels, will never a one of you Please to descend?

+3d Lady.+ Thou little devil, If we had thee here, we'd throw thee down again With such a swing, we'd knock that rascal's brains Out with thy fall.

+Mir.+ Then, angry ladies, I Shall stay here--see, has not that lady A very fair nose at this distance?

+Phil.+ Has Not t'other there a mouth, that when she opens it To scold, looks like a giant's cave?

+4th Lady.+ S'life, we'll Not be abus'd thus; here's a Hercules' statue, Let's throw it down upon their heads.

[_+Mirida+ runs away, and meets +Pinguister+ and stops._

_Enter +Pinguister+ and +Doctor+._

+Mir.+ Hold, Philidor, we shall have some new sport Of my making now; here comes my fat lover, Let us stand close and hear a little.

+Ping.+ Doctor, Pray, how many stools may I happily have This morning by this purgation, already Taken by me?

+Doctor.+ Doubtless, one hundred, sir.

+Ping.+ Save me, 'twill swinge my bum-gut then: but how Much fat may it bring away?

+Doctor.+ Peradventure, Half-a-dozen pounds.

+Ping.+ Love! what dost thou make Me do? But, worthy doctor, from what parts of My continual purg'd body is this store Of fat extracted?

+Doctor.+ Chiefly from your waist And calves of your legs.

+Ping.+ And how many purges May make my waist and legs' calves, alias, calves Of my legs, delightful to her eye, sir?

+Doctor.+ Sir, some ten purges: that is to say, you Must have a thousand stools to drain your treasure Of fat _totaliter_ from ye.

+Ping.+ O love! O Mirida, for thee I daily purge: For thee I daily stink. I find I must keep company with the bears, that I May be able to endure my own stink the better.

+Doctor.+ Come, sir, I think you had best begin to run Your heats.

+Ping.+ O me! nothing cou'd e'er a made A footman of me but love. Well, I must Put on my pumps.

+Phil.+ By this light, this is the Pleasantest scene as e'er I saw.

+Ping.+ Nay, doctor, If you mean I should run, lend me your hand To help me up. [_Puts on nightcaps._ Now, in the name of love, I most unwillingly start.

+Phil.+ S'death! he runs Like a duke. [_He runs round, and sometimes goes out to untruss._

+Mir.+ His stools come very quickly upon Him, one after another.

+Ping.+ I must run With my breeches in my hand, my purge visits My bum-gut so intolerably often.

+Doctor.+ Now, sir, for a cheerful loose.

+Ping.+ By my heart, Master Doctor, I wonder at your cruelty, To ask a cheerful loose of me; am not I loos'd sufficiently by Your furious purgations?

_Enter +Lean-man+ and his +Tailor+._

+Mir.+ O, here comes My lean lover.

+Lean.+ Tailor, do I look gross Enough now?

+Tailor.+ Yes, I'll assure you, you seem Very corpulent.

+Lean.+ Well, I am sure if thou Hast not made me large enough, thou wilt thy bill. Now have at Mistress Mirida! sure, my Person will take her. Why, how now, cousin, [_To +Ping+._ What makes you running a heat?

+Ping.+ I must not stop To speak with you, but come run by me, And I will tell you. Why, I see You know nothing. Mistress Mirida has a Great kindness for me, but cannot marry me Before I am leaner.

+Lean.+ She fools him; her kindness is for me, And bids me make myself fatter, before We marry. [_Aside._

+Ping.+ But pray, coz, what makes you stuff yourself so To appear big?

+Lean.+ Yes, I do it to please Mistress Mirida's eye; she bid me.

+Ping.+ So she makes An ass of him. [_Aside._

+Lean.+ Well, I won't hinder you In your exercise, Farewell. Now I'll to Mistress Mirida. [_Exit._

+Ping.+ Good bye, good bye. God's fish, my purge again! O, O!

_Enter +Clown+ with a cudgel, and beats him in again._

+Clown.+ A nasty rogue, when a man's asleep, To come and do it just in his mouth! I'll swinge ye.

+Ping.+ O, hold, good sir, 'twas the violence of my physic; Would my paunch were out, if I saw you!

+Phil.+ Hold, What do ye mean to beat a Gentleman thus?

+Clown.+ Let Him learn more manners, then, against next time.

+Ping.+ O Mistress Mirida, I have been purg'd And beaten most extremely for your sake; Sure, I'm lean enough now to marry you.

+Mir.+ That I cannot tell; but I have the measure In my pocket of what compass you were About when you first were in love with me, And also the measure to that you must Fall before I marry you. Here was your full Bigness, which was three yards about: let me see; You are fallen a yard.

+Ping.+ Well, and won't you marry me then?

+Mir.+ That you'll see presently; for here's the measure Must compass you about before I do. This wants a yard yet.

+Ping.+ Well, and d'ye think it's possible For me ever to become such a grig As that measure will meet about me? Why, to do that you must embowel me, and then Shave the remaining rolls of fat off from My melting sides.

+Doctor.+ Here, pray, sir, throw this blanket About you; you will catch your death.

+Ping.+ Look you, Unreasonable mistress, thus am I Fain to do every day, because I would Melt myself into a husband for you: You may hear my guts at this time boiling Within me; I am confident they will Have the same fat as a kettle full of Black puddings that are over-boiled, and so Broken.

+Doctor.+ Come, sir, you must needs go to bed.

+Ping.+ That is to say, I must go swim; for that I do constantly in a sea of sweat.

+Mir.+ Ay, pray, sir, I wou'd not for all the world You should miscarry.

+Ping.+ Indeed, I look as If I were with child. Lady, if you have Any thoughts of going to heaven, have Mercy on me.

+Mir.+ Farewell, garbage.

+Ping.+ O heat! O fat! O love! what will you Do with me? [_Exit with +Doctor+._

+Phil.+ Was there ever such sport as we have seen?

+Mir.+ Heaven send thee and I many a fair Year to be mad together in.

+Phil.+ Ay, as You say, give us but time enough, and when We grow tame, let the bell toll for us. But stay, let us return Back to my virgins, that I may Make my conditions with 'em, Before they get out of prison.

_Enter all the +Ladies+ and bind them._

S'death! they Are all got out already.

+1st Lady.+ O, have we Met with you now, ye pair of devils? we'll lay You fast enough. So good night to you, lie There till we come again. [_Exit +Ladies+._

+Phil.+ Pox on't, was there Ever such luck as this? There was a trap- Door in the garret, which they found and got Out at.

+Mir.+ What think ye now of this day's sport Philidor?

+Phil.+ Plague on it, well enough; if They had not bound us back to back together, We might have pass'd away the time. Malicious jades! no way of bridling us But this? Pr'ythee turn about thy head, and let Us try if we can kiss one another A little.

+Mir.+ No, no, we won't Try for fear you should put your neck out of Joint with turning it too much of one side.

+Phil.+ Well, fortune should be more careful Of accidents of this nature, and not Contrive them so cross.

_Enter +Boy+._

+Phil.+ O, here comes a boy. Here, sirrah, come hither.

+Boy.+ What say you, master?

+Phil.+ Here, prythee, unbind us, I'll give thee a Shilling.

+Boy.+ Why, sir, can't you unbind yourselves?

+Phil.+ Simple boy, thou seest we can't.

+Boy.+ And have ye a mind to be unbound?

+Phil.+ Yes, yes, we are in great torments To lie thus.

+Boy.+ Then, sir, you shall give me a piece, And your hat, because I have never A one, or else farewell.

+Phil.+ Well, stay, here take it out of my pockets.

+Boy.+ Yes, that I will do, before I unbind you, And your hat too. [_Exit._

+Phil.+ The rogue's too nimble for me.

+Mir.+ Well, Philidor, farewell, I must Go put On a clean handkerchief.

+Phil.+ And I Must go see if I can find a believing Haberdasher, else I shall be very Ceremonious to every one I meet. [_Exit._

_Enter +Fiddler+._

+Mir.+ A fiddle! nay, then I am made again; I'd have a dance, if I had nothing but my Smock on. Fiddler, strike up, and play my jig, Call'd, _I care not a pin for any man._

+Fid.+ Indeed I can't stay: I am going to Play to some gentlemen.

+Mir.+ Nay, thou shalt stay But a little.

+Fid.+ Give me half-a-crown then.

+Mir.+ I have no money about me. But here, take My handkerchief. [_Dance and Exit._