SCENE V.

FLO. Now, fair ladies, what wind has blown you hither?

FRI. The storm of our insufferable wrongs Call unto you for justice.

CAR. And your beauties Enjoin our just assistance. Show your griefs.

1ST BOY. This is a caranto-man, with all my heart! must Beauty be his landskip on the seat of justice?

[_Aside._

2D BOY. Pray thee, give them line.

[_Aside._

FRI. Should I discover my misfortunes, consuls, They would enforce compassion, even in strangers, Who know not my extraction. My descent, Besides the fortunes I deriv'd from them Who gave me being, breeding, with whate'er Might complete youth, or give embellishment To Nature's curious workmanship, was known To shine more graceful in the eye of fame Than to remain obscure: yet see my fate-- My sad occurring fate!

FLO. Express it, madam.

FRI. I married, reverend consul, and in that Lost both my freedom, fortune, and myself. My former single sweet condition Clothes that remembrance in a sable weed, Resolves mine eyes to Niobe's, whose tears Might drop to marble, and erect an urn T' inhume my funeral spousals.

[_She feigns to weep, in resentment of her former estate._

CAR. Alas! poor lady.

1ST BOY. Pitiful senator, if he have not drunk some coffee to keep him waking, he will questionless fall asleep, or melt into tears, before he delivers his sentence.

[_Aside._

PAL. Whence sprung this spring of infelicity? Resolve us, madam.

FRI. From mine helpless match; A tender stripling, whose unmanly chin Had ne'er known razor, nor discover'd A youthful down: yet his minority Was by o'erpow'ring friends accounted fit To match with my maturer growth; but time Display'd their folly who enjoined me to't. And (my misfortune most) light was his brain, But weaker far his strength to satisfy Those lawful nuptial heats which breathe[125] in us An active fire. Now I appeal to you, Judicious consuls.

2D BOY. Hold there, madam, under favour; these brave senators you appeal to are more for execution than judgment.

[_Aside._

FRI. Could the patience Of Grisel, were she living, reap content In such enjoyments? Could she suffer youth, Quicken'd with blooming fancy, to expire, And quench her heat with such an useless snuff?

FLO. A match insufferable!

CAR. Opposing nature!

PAL. Nay, what in time would quite depopulate, And make the world a desert.

SAL. Higher wrongs Cannot inflicted be on womankind.

TIL. Nor aspersing more dishonour on that sex, That most endearA"d sex, to which we owe Ourselves and fortunes; for should their choice beauties Suffer a pillage by desertless hands, Forc'd to a loathed bed, and made a prey To seared age, or to unripen'd youth: How soon might these unparallel'd deities, By fixing their affections on strange faces And their more graceful posture, which they valued Above their churlish consorts, become strangers To their due spousal rites? How soon engage Their honour to th' embraces of a servant Of brave deportment, sprightly eyes, neat limbs: A virile presence and a countenance 'Twixt Ajax and Adonis; neither fierce Nor too effeminate, but mix'd 'twixt both: Neither too light to scorn, nor stern to loathe. 'Twas this brought Troy to ruin; for had Helen Espous'd where she had lov'd, poor Menelaus Had ne'er been branch'd, nor Troy reduc'd to flames; Nor Priam and his Hecuba [been] the grounds Of sad succeeding stories.

1ST BOY. A gallant consult, trust me; he has got by heart the ballad of "The Destruction of Troy" to a syllable.

[_Aside._

FLO. Honour'd colleague, You show yourself both learn'd and eloquent. Madam, be pleased to solace discontent With a retir'd repose. We have discuss'd And balanced the grandeur of your wrongs In a judicious scale, and shall apply Proper receipts to your aggrievances, When we have heard the rest.

1ST BOY. Receipts of their own application, I warrant thee.

[_Aside._

CAR. Madam Caveare, You here appear as a complainant too?

CAV. And none more justly: ne'er was woman match'd To such a stupid, sottish animal: One that's compos'd of nonsense, and so weak In masculine abilities, he ne'er read The "Wife of Bath's Tale," nor what thing might please A woman best; my curtain-lectures have No influence on him. I must confess He's simply honest; but what's that to me? He apprehends not what concerns a woman: Nor what may suit her quality in state And fit dimension.

CAR. A most unfitting husband!

CAV. It was my parents' caution, I remember; But 'twas my sad fate not t' observe[126] that lesson-- Never to fix my fancy on a person Who had no sage in's pate, lest progeny of fools Should make my race unhappy: this has made My thoughts mere strangers to his weak embraces; Nor shall I e'er affect him.

FLO. Madam, no law Would in the Spartan state enjoin a lady So nobly accomplished to confine Her fancy to such fury.

PAL. This objection Admits no long debate.

SAL. Her rich deserts, Adorn'd with such choice native faculties, And grac'd with art to make them more complete, In humane reason should exempt her youth From such a servile yoke.

MOR. In ancient times, When wisdom guarded senates, a decree, Confirmed by public vote, enacted was, That none should marry till he had observ'd Domestic discipline; and first to bear With a composed garb th' indignities Of a Xantippe, if his fortune were To cope with such a fury: and to calm Her passion with his patience. Now, grave colleagues, What comfort might this injur'd lady drain, In these punctilios which import her state, From this insensate sot?

TIL. Exchange his bed, And sue his patent for the _Fatuano_; And, to display him to his visitants In clearer colours, let this motto be Engraven on those walls, deep-ach'd with time, "Defective in his head-piece, here he lies, Object of scorn to all surveying eyes."

2D BOY. So, poor scatterbrain, he has got his judgment already.

[_Aside._

CAR. Praxiteles could ne'er portray him better, Nor lodge his sconce more fitly. You may, madam, Conceive how sensibly we feel your wounds, And with what promptness we shall expedite Your long-expected cure.

PAL. Madam Julippe, You come next in rank; declare your griefs, And if our judgments hold them meriting Our just relief, we have compassionate hearts And powerful hands to vindicate your wrongs To th' utmost scruple.

JUL. If they weigh not heavy, Let me incur your censure. Patriots-- For I appeal to your judicious bosoms, Where serious justice has a residence Mix'd with a pious pity--I shall unravel The clue of my misfortunes in small threads, Thin-spun as is the subtle gossamer.[127] Deep wounds, like griefs, require contracted lines; Few words, long sighs: accents that want express. First give me leave one beamling to bestow On my obscur'd, once glorious, family.

ALL. Madam, proceed; Fame made it eminent.

JUL. But now contemptive--by marrying one Who bears the shape of man, and that is all: A base, white-liver'd coward, whose regard To his lost honour stamps him with that brand, That hateful stigma, which humanity Scorns as the basest complice.

PAL. Style it, madam.

JUL. Pusillanimity. That ranter breathes not, Who with his peek'd mouchatoes[128] may not brave him, Baffle, nay baste him out of his possessions. His fortunes he esteems not, so his person May be secur'd from beating.

ALL. Matchless coward!

JUL. Nor is this all. 'Has sought t' engage my bed, My nuptial bed and honour--nay, those sheets Where, I may safely vow, ne'er man lay in, Beside my husband.

2D BOY. Very like; but how many when he was not there?

[_Aside._

FLO. No misfortune worse, Nor humour hateful to a virile spirit, Whereof your noble family partakes, Than want of courage.

PAL. Tush, sir, that's not all. Her line, in time, might grow degenerate, And blanch the living memory of those From whence she came.

CAV. There's none who here appears Before you, conscript consuls, but can give Store of evincing instances of this: For matching with Sir Jasper Simpleton, An hairbrain'd puppy, most of all my brood Run like shell-headed lapwings in careers, Just as their own supposed father did, Simple Sir Jasper, whose small dose of sense Proportion'd their discretion--till a change Impregnated me more wisely.

FRI. So did I Suffer in my raw, puny Amadin; Though all my fears summ'd up their period, And in it crown'd my wishes for one boy (Who, while he lives, I think, will prove a boy), I had by my young stripling, who can trace His father's steps directly: all his games, Wherein his lineal youth takes sole delight Are yert-point, nine-pins, job-nut, or span-counter, Or riding cock-horse, which his dad admires, Smiling to see such horsemanship perform'd. Now I appeal to you, whose judgments are Maturely serious, if these tomboy tricks Might not perplex me, and enforce me too, To act what my affections prompt me do?

JOC. If one complain of the minority Of her thin-downy consort, and you, madam, Of his simplicity whom you have choos'd, And you, Julippe, of his cowardice Whom with averseness you have made your spouse, What grounds of discontent may I conceive, Unhappy Joculette, in my choice-- My nightly torture, whose embraces be Worse than those snaky windings unto me, Dipt in Medusa's charms.

CAR. Unbare your wound.

2D BOY. Nay, let that be the least of your fears; she'll do that to a hair.

[_Aside._

JOC. Know, then, judicious consuls, These arms are forc'd t' enwreathe a shapeless mass Of all deformity, a bear unlick'd: One whom Thersites, that disfigur'd Greek, So far excell'd in native lineaments, Proportion, feature, and complexion (All rare attractives to the eye of love), As amorous Narcissus in his prime Surpass'd the roughest sylvan that the woods E'er nurs'd or harbour'd. Yet enjoin'd am I To hug this centaur, who appears to me A prodigy in Nature.

ALL. 'Tis a fate Exacts compassion, and deserves redress.

FLO. Such a complete and exquisite beauty Accomplish'd in all parts!

CAR. Nay, qualifi'd With rarity of arts to make her sex With pious emulation to admire Her choice perfections----

PAL. And all these obscur'd, Soil'd, sullied, perish'd by th' immeriting touch Of a misshapen boor!

SAL. Such precious gems, Set in ignoble metals, cannot choose But much detract from th' native graceful lustre, Which they retain'd, by means of that base ore Impales their orient splendour.

MOR. This is nothing To th' injury her lineage may receive From his deformity.

TIL. I must confess That threat'neth much of danger: yet I read not That Vulcan's poult foot or his smutted look Black'ned with Lemnian sea-coal, brought the issue Begot by Venus, if he any got, To change their amorous physnomy.

MOR. He may thank Mars for that active courtesy, or it had Disfigur'd much his spurious progeny.

FLO. Well, madam, we compassionate your choice In your Sir Gregory Shapeless, and shall find A quick receipt to cure your discontent With a new-moulded and more pleasing feature Than your sad fate enjoys. Repose, till we Have run through all your griefs, and felt your pulses.

2D BOY. For shame's sake, no further, my dainty doctors.

[_Aside._

FLO. With th' symptoms or gradations as they stream In your desertless sufferings; paroxysms, Or what extremes may most surprise your fancies: In these our serious judgments shall supply Such sov'reign cordials as you shall not need No use nor application of more help Than what we shall prepare. Let this suffice: It rests in us to cure your maladies-- Excuse us, Madam Medler; these debates Have kept us from discovery of your wrongs.

MED. Than which none more depressive--would you judge Th' musician good that wants his instrument? Or any artisan, who goes to work Without provision of a proper tool, To manage that employment? Modesty Bids me conceal the rest: my secret wants Require an active tongue; but womanhood Enjoins me silence.

MOR. 'Las! I'm sensible Of her aggrievance, ere her dialect Can give it breath or accent.

MED. But you say-- And our experience has inform'd us, too-- In that essential truth, that we must first Disclose our wounds, if we expect a cure: Let your impartial judgments, then, give ear To a distressed lady's just complaint. In my first years, as now I am not old, My friends resolved to supply a portion, Which my descent (though good) could not afford, To match my youth unto a man of age, Whose nest was richly feather'd, stor'd of all But native vigour, which express'd itself As if all radical humour had been drench'd In a chill shady bed of cucumbers Before our nuptial night. Oft had I begg'd. With sighs and tears, that this unequal match Might be diverted; but it might not be. The fulness of his fortunes winged them To consummate the match: this pleased them, But me displeas'd, whom it concerned most.

FLO. The issue, madam?

MED. None; nor ever shall With that sear, suckless kex.

MOR. Never was lady So rarely beautifi'd, so highly wrong'd.

CAR. What flinty worldling[s] were those friends of yours To value fortunes more than your content!

PAL. To prostitute your honour to a clod Of mould'red earth!

SAL. And in an icy bed To starve your blooming comforts?

TIL. This exceeds All spousal suffering, which preceding times In our Italian stories ever read, Or in their sable annals register'd.

FLO. Much of Sir Tristram Shorttool (so I think Men call your husband) have I ofttimes heard, And his penurious humour. But your wrongs Were strangers to me, till your own relation Display'd their quality; which to allay, Nay, quite remove, transmit the care to us And our directions, to supply your wants. We should be just to all, but still retain A bosom-pity to the weaker sex. If we observ'd not this with tenderness, We should not merit this judicial seat, Whereto----

1ST BOY. These Dabrides rais'd you.

[_Aside._

TIL. Now, Madam Tinder, your aggrieves are last.

TIN. But not the least. What woman could endure In spousal rights to have a stranger share In her enjoyments? or remain depriv'd Of her propriety by losing those Appropriate dues which nature has ordain'd, And sacred rights approv'd? You see I'm young, And youth expects that tribute which our sex May challenge by descent.

ALL. Her plea is good.

TIN. Would you not, reverend consuls, hold it strange To see a savage, unconfined bull, When th' pasture's fruitful, and the milk-pail full, And all delights that might content a beast, Range here and there, and break into those grounds Which are less fertile, and where neither shade Affords him umbrage, nor smooth-running brooks Streams to allay his thirst: nay, where the grass, Too strow[129] for fodder, and too rank for pasture, Would generate more fatal maladies Than a whole college of state empirics Or country farriers had art to cure?

FLO. Such bullocks, madam, well deserve a baiting.

TIL. And beating too!

TIN. Yet this is my condition: For marrying one Sir Reuben Scattergood, A person in appearance like enough, And well-dispos'd for aught my watchful eyes Could long discover; but, his father dead, And his revenues by his death swol'n great, His nuptial bed he leaves, and entertains Such mercenary prostitutes as fancy-- His loose-exposed fancy--lur'd him to.

CAR. Injurious ribald!

PAL. Hateful libertine!

TIL. Had she been old, or crook'd, or any way Deform'd.

SAL. Or ill-condition'd.

MOR. Or averse, When he was active.

FLO. Or run retrograde To his just pleasures: these might have abridg'd And weaken'd his affection. But when beauty, Composed temper, and a graceful presence, Cloth'd both with majesty and a sweet smile Of such attractive quality, as the adamant Cannot more virtually enforce its object, Than these impressive motives of content: He merits not the title of a man, Much less the embraces of so choice a spouse, Who violates his faith, deceives her trust.

CAR. I am directly, sir, of your opinion.

PAL. So I.

MOR. And I.

ALL. So all of us concur, To make our judgments more unanimous.

TIN. And, to confirm't, may you be pleas'd to give Attention to a story I shall tell, As true as strange, to manifest th' affronts My patience has endur'd, and to what height His luxury ascended.

ALL. Madam, do; We shall lend ready ears to your discourse.

TIN. It chanc'd one day,--and ofttimes so it chanc'd, For doubtful thoughts have ever jealous eyes,-- That my suspicion had begot a fear That my neglectful husband had a kindness, And more than usual, unto my maid-- A proper maid, if so she might be call'd: Now, to possess myself whether those grounds Whereon I built might just inducements be Of my late-hatch'd fears, I made pretence, (What is it jealousy will not design?) To go from home. But this was no recede, But a retire: for in the ev'ning-time, When these two amorous pair expected least Such an unwelcome visit, I repair'd To a close arbour set with sycamores, The tamarisk, and sweet-breath'd eglantine, That local object which I fix'd upon, Not of myself, but by direction, Where I found out what I suspected long: Such wanton dalliance as the Lemnian smith Never discover'd more, when he prepar'd His artful net t' enwreath his Eriena Impal'd in Mars his arms.

ALL. Could you contain Your passion in such Aretine a posture?

TIN. With much reluctancy I did indeed, Curbing my temper, which was much enrag'd, With this too mild expression, "Fie, for shame! Minion, I'll have none of this work, not I." "You may, when it is offer'd you," said he.

1ST BOY. Ha, ha, ha! this was a bold-fac'd niggler;[130] trust me, wag.

[_Aside._

FLO. Was't not enough for him t' enjoy his pleasure, But he must jeer you too?

CAR. As if you were A stale to his light dalliance!

PAL. Or a scorn to his embraces! Was her servile beauty, Expos'd to sale, dishonour of her sex, To be compar'd to yours?

SAL. Whose native splendour, Without the help of art, which makes complexion By borrow'd colours much unlike itself: May challenge a prerogative i' th' rank Of our completest features.

MOR. It seems strange, How you could brook th' affront without revenge On that insulting prostitute.

TIL. No doubt She would take hold of opportunity By th' foretop, and repair her pressing wrongs By private satisfactions; which works best, When their revenge seems sleeping and at rest. This lady would not rate her worth so small, As to forego both use and principal.

2D BOY. No, reverend favourite, you will find this madam Spitfire of a keener metal than so. She's right tinder: no sooner touch than take.

[_Aside._

FLO. Ladies, we've heard your different complaints, Forcing our just compassion and resolves To tender your condition, and redress. What may the purport be of your petition, Relating to your grievances?

ALL-LADIES. A freedom From our disrelish'd beds.

ALL-PLATONICS. 'Tis granted you.

LADIES. With alimony to support our state In this division.

PLAT. Your suit is just; Should we oppose it, we might wrong ourselves.

1ST BOY. Very likely; for they mean to be made whole sharers both in their persons and personal estates. This is brave judicial brokage.

[_Aside._

FLO. Speak, fellow-colleagues, shall I limit them, What we in justice hold expedient For th' alimonal charge proportion'd them, And in what measure to supply their wants?

ALL. Do so, Florello; we shall second it.

FLO. Thus, I conceive, these ladies have resign'd Their title, property and interest, In whole and not in part, which they enjoy'd In their defective husbands. Were't not just In lieu o' th' whole, which they have here disclaim'd, That they should seize upon the moiety Of their revenues, whom they've here deserted As useless instruments unto the state?

PLAT. A just proportion.

LADIES. We submit to it.

2D BOY. And so ye may well, if your husbands will yield to't.

1ST BOY. These be nimble shavers, Nick, as well as sharers; they know how to cut large thongs out of other folks' leather.[131]

[_Aside._

FLO. This crowns our wishes, when with joint consent We close our votes, and render you content.

CAR. Dismount, dismount, let's exercise no more These purple seats; their stories stand too high For our ascent: only let's thus much know, Whether our parts were acted well or no.

[_They descend._

LADIES. Above expectance. Singular in all, But best in your conclusion.

FRI. You did well In your proportioning of our alimony, Moulded to th' moiety of their estates Whom we have justly left; but we had less Allotted us in more authentic courts.

PAL. That was not in our verge to regulate.

CAV. Nor skills it much; we have a competence Aspiring to exceedings; and in this More bless'd, because exempted from those bonds, Which our long servitude enchain'd us to.

FLO. Of consuls, then, which title we usurp'd To cheer your fancies, we shall now become Your servants, confidants, or favourites, Or how you please to style us. We are all Affianc'd yours: firm as the solid rock In your reserved councils, and what may Hold correspondence with your interests, But soft and malleable as liquid amber In its resolving temper, when delight Shall sport it in your bosom, and admit A sociable dalliance.

FRI. Your free discourse, Grounded on former proofs of constancy, Has so endear'd me, I am wholly yours.

CAV. Madam, we mean not you shall have it so: You've broke the ice, and we will trace your steps. Former experience has engaged me To fix on my Caranto.

JUL. Palisado shall Enjoy my love.

JOC. I for my Salibrand.

MED. Morisco mine.

TIN. Tinder shall Tilly's be.

TIL. Pure tender Tinder of affection, The new-blown bloom, that craves a native warmth To cherish its young growth, shall not receive More solace from those orient rays which shine On its fresh-springing beauty, than your choice Shall in my dear embraces.

TIN. I shall try you.

1ST BOY. Thus walks the poor gentlemen's revenues to raise these doxies' alimony: and thus runs their alimony to feed these youngsters' riot.

[_Aside._

PLA. Our joy's completed. Seal this joint conveyance With those ambrosiac signets of your lips.

[_They kiss._

"One house did hold, one house shall hold us twain; Once did we kiss, and we will kiss again."

2D BOY. How turtle-like they couple!

[_Aside._