ACT IV., SCENE 1.

_Enter_ WANTON, CAPTAIN, CARELESS, _and_ WILD.

WAN. By all that a longing bride hopes for, which I am not, I am better pleased with this revenge than mine own plot, which takes as I could wish. I have so anointed my high priest with sack, that he would have confuted Baal's priest; and now he does so slumber in his ale, and calls to bed already--swears the sun is set.

CAPT. Faith, wench, her abusing of me made me leave her for the reckoning.

CARE. Yes, faith, they have treated her upsey[254] whore, lain with her, told, and then pawned her.

WAN. Yes, yes, you are fine things: I wonder women can endure you; for me, I expect you worse, and am armed for't.

WILD. Faith, let's send and release her; the jest is gone far enough; as I live, I pity her.

WAN. Pity her! hang her, and rid the country of her. She is a thing wears out her limbs as fast as her clothes; one that never goes to bed at all, nor sleeps in a whole skin, but is taken to pieces like a motion, as if she were too long; she should be hanged for offering to be a whore.

CAPT. As I live, she's in the right. I peeped once to see what she did before she went to bed; by this light, her maids were dissecting her; and when they had done, they brought some of her to bed, and the rest they either pinned or hung up, and so she lay dismembered till morning; in which time her chamber was strewed all over, like an anatomy-school.

WAN. And when she travels anywhere, she is transported with as great a care and fear of spoiling, as a juggler's motion, when he removes from fair to fair.

CARE. She is a right broken gamester who, though she lacks wherewithal to play, yet loves to be looking on.

_Enter_ WANTON'S MAID.

BAWD. He is awake, and calls for you impatiently: he would fain be in bed; the company is all gone.

WAN. Are you instructed?

BAWD. Let me alone, I'll warrant you for my part.

WAN. Farewell then; you are all ready. Who plays master constable?

CAPT. I, I; and Ned Jolly the sumner.[255]

WAN. Farewell, farewell then.

[_Exit_ WANTON _and_ BAWD.

WILD. It is a delicate wench.

CARE. She has excellent flesh and a fine face. By this light, we must depose the captain from his reign here.

[_They whisper this._

WILD. I like her shrewdly; I hate a wench that is all whore and no company; this is a comedy all day and a fair[256] at night.

CARE. I hope to exalt the parson's horn here.

CAPT. And what think you? is it not a sweet sin, this lying with another man's wife?

WAN. Is Jolly come?

[WANTON _above_.

CAPT. No, but he'll be here instantly.

WILD. Is he abed?

WAN. Yes, yes; and he sleeps as if he had been put to bed by his sexton, with _dust to dust_, and _ashes to ashes_.

CAPT. And we'll wake him with that shall be as terrible to him as the latter day.

WAN. Let him sleep awhile, that he may be fresh, else the jest is spoiled; for it is his sense of his disgrace must work my ends.

WILD. I'll go home then, and get supper ready, and expect you.

CAPT. Do; our scene lies here.

[_Enter_ JOLLY.]

Who's there? Jolly?

JOLLY. Yes.

CAPT. Are you fitted?

JOLLY. Yes, I have got the Blackfriars music. I was fain to stay till the last act. And who do you think I saw there?

WILD. I know not.

JOLLY. Guess.

WILD. Prythee: I cannot guess.

JOLLY. Your aunt and Mistress Pleasant, and trusty Secret.

WILD. What, man?

JOLLY. The lovers only, so close in a box!

CAPT. It will be a match, and there's an end. Prythee, let them go to't: what is't to us? Let's mind our business now, and think on them hereafter.

WAN. A pox upon them, for a couple of stalk-hounds. Have they killed at last? Why, this is fool's fortune.[257] It would be long enough ere one that has wit got such a wife!

CAPT. No more of this now. Have you borrowed the watchmen's coats?

JOLLY. Yes, and bills, beards, and constable's staff and lantern; and let me alone to fit him for the sumner. But when this is done, I expect my fee, a tithe-night at least. Wanton, I will lie with thee for thy roguery. What! are you dumb? You will not refuse me, I hope?

WAN. Not if I thought you desiredst it; but I hate to have it desired indifferently, and but so-so done neither, when 'tis done.

JOLLY. I hope you will not disgrace my work, will you?

WAN. Faith, they say, thy pleasure lies in thy tongue, and therefore, though I do not give thee leave to lie with me, yet I will give thee as good a thing that will please thee as well.

JOLLY. Some [such] roguery I expected.

WAN. No, faith, I am serious: and because I will please you both, Master Wild shall lie here, and you shall have leave to say you do, which will please you as well.

JOLLY. Faith, and my part is some pleasure; else _I have loved, enjoyed, and told_, is mistook.

WAN. Ay, but never to love, seldom enjoy, and always tell--foh! it stinks, and stains worse than Shoreditch dirt; and women hate and dread men for't. Why, I, that am a whore professed, cannot see youth[258] digest it, though it be my profit and interest: for to be a private whore in this town starves in the nest like young birds, when the old one's killed.

CARE. Excellent girl! 'tis too true. Jolly, your tongue has kept many a woman honest.

WAN. Faith, 'tis a truth, this I shall say, you may all better your pleasures by, if you will observe it: I dare say, the fear of telling keeps more women honest than Bridewell hemp; and were you wise men and true lovers of liberty, now were the time to bring wenching to that perfection no age could ever have hoped. Now you may sow such seed of pleasure, you may be prayed for hereafter. Now, in this age of zeal and ignorance, would I have you four, in old clothes and demure looks, present a petition to both houses, and say you are men touched in conscience for your share in that wickedness which is known to their worships by the pleasure of adultery; and desire it may be death,[259] and that a law may be passed to that purpose. How the women will pray for you, and at their own charges rear statues in memory of their benefactors! The young and kind would then haunt your chambers, pray and present you, and court the sanguine youth for the sweet sin secured by such a law. None would lose an occasion, nor churlishly oppose kind nature, nor refuse to listen to her summons, when youth and passion calls for those forbidden sweets. When such security as your lives are at stake, who would fear to trust? With this law all oaths and protestations are cancelled. Letters and bawds would grow useless too: by instinct, the kind will find the kind, and, having one nature, become of one mind. Now we lose an age to observe and know a man's humour, ere we dare trust him; but get this law, then 'tis, like and enjoy. And whereas now, with expense of time and fortune you may glean some one mistress amongst your neighbours' wives, you shall reap women whole armfuls, as in the common field. There is one small town, wise only in this law; and I have heard them say that know it well, there has been but one execution this hundred years; yet the same party searched seven years, and could not find an honest woman in the town.

CARE. An excellent plot! Let's about it. Ink and paper, dear Wanton: we will draw the petition presently.

WAN. Will Master Jolly consent too? You must not then, as soon as a handsome woman is named, smile and stroke your beard; tell him that is next you, you have lain with her. Such a lie is as dangerous as a truth, and 'twere but justice to have thee hanged for a sin thou never committedst, for having defamed so many women.

JOLLY. If all those liars were hanged, I believe the scale would weigh down with the guilty.

WAN. One rogue, hanged for example, would make a thousand kind girls. If it take, it shall be called my law, Wanton's law: then we may go in petticoats again; for women grew imperious, and wore the breeches only to fright the poor cuckolds, and make the fools digest their horns. Are you all ready? Shall I open the door?

CAPT. Yes.

WILD. I'll expect you at my house.

[_Exit_ WILD _one way, and the rest of the company another_.

OMNES. We'll come, we'll come.

CAPT. So, knock louder.

[_They knock within, and the_ PARSON _discovered in his bed, and the_ BAWD _with him_.

PAR. Who's there? What would you have?

CAPT. Here's his majesty's watch, and master constable's worship must come in. We have a warrant from the lords to search for a delinquent.

PAR. You come not here. I'll answer your warrant to-morrow.

JOLLY. Break open the door.

PAR. I would you durst.

BAWD. Lord, dear, what shall we do?

PAR. Why, sweet, I'll warrant you. Art thou not my wife, my rib, bone of my bone? I'll suffer anything ere one hair of thee shall be touched.

BAWD. Hark! they break open the door!

PAR. They dare not! Why dost thou tremble so? Alas, sweet innocence, how it shakes!

CAPT. Break open the door.

PAR. I'll complain to the bishop of this insolence.

BAWD. They come, they come, lamb!

PAR. No matter, sweet, they dare not touch thee. What would you have, master constable? You are very rude.

[_He delivers the warrant._

CAPT. Read our warrant, and our business will excuse us. Do you know any such person as you find there?

PAR. Yes, sir, but not by this name. Such a woman is my wife, and no Lindabrides.[260] We were married to-day, and I'll justify her my wife the next court-day. You have your answer, and may be gone.

JOLLY. We must take no notice of such excuses now. If she be your wife, make it appear in court, and she will be delivered unto you.

PAR. If she be my wife! Sir, I have wedded her and bedded her: what other ceremonies would you have? Be not afraid, sweetheart.

JOLLY. Sir, we can do no less than execute our warrant. We are but servants; and, master constable, I charge you in the king's name to do your duty. Behold the body of the delinquent.

PAR. Touch her that dares: I'll put my dagger in him. [_He takes his dagger._] Fear nothing, sweetheart. Master constable, you'll repent this insolence offered to a man of my coat.

BAWD. Help, my dearest, will you let me be haled[261] thus?

[_Here they strive to take her out._

PAR. Villains, what will you do? Murder! Rape!

CAPT. Yes, yes, 'tis likely: I look like a ravisher!

JOLLY. Hold him, and we'll do well enough with her.

[_As they go to pull her out of the bed, they discover the_ BAWD. _When they let him go, he turns to her and holds her in his arms._

CAPT. What have we here, an old woman?

PAR. Let me go. Slaves and murderers!

CAPT. Let him go.

JOLLY. Do any of you know this woman? This is not she we looked for.

PAR. No, rascal, that mistake shall not excuse you.

JOLLY. It is old Goodman What-d'ye-call-him his wife.

CAPT. Hold the candle, and let's see her face.

[_When they hold the candle, she lies in his bosom, and his arms about her. She must be as nastily dressed as they can dress her. When he sees her, he falls into amaze, and shoves her from him._

JOLLY. What have we here, adultery? Take them both: here will be new matter.

PAR. Master constable, a little argument will persuade you to believe I am grossly abused. Sure, this does not look like a piece that a man would sin to enjoy: let that then move your pity and care of my reputation. Consider my calling, and do not bring me to a public shame for what you're sure I am not guilty of, but by plot of some villains.[262]

BAWD. Dear, will you disclaim me now?

PAR. O impudence!

JOLLY. Master constable, do your duty. Take them both away, as you will answer it.

CAPT. Give him his cassock to cover him.

[_They put on his cassock and her coat, and lead them away._

PAR. Why, gentlemen, whither will you carry me?

CAPT. To the next justice, I think it is Master Wild; he is newly come from travel. It will be a good way, neighbours, to express our respects to him.

PAR. No, faith, gentlemen, e'en go the next way to Tyburn, and despatch the business without ceremony, for you'll utterly disgrace me. This is that damned captain: my wife is abroad too; I fear she is of the plot.

JOLLY. Come, away with 'em.

BAWD. Whither will they lead us, dear?

PAR. O, O, impudence! Gentlemen, do not lead us together, I beseech you.

CAPT. Come, come, lead them together: no ceremonies. Your faults are both alike.

[_Exeunt omnes._