ACT II., SCENE I.

HAVE-AT-ALL, SLICER, HEARSAY _having rescued him_ _in a quarrel._

HAVE. 'Tis destin'd; I'll be valiant: I am sure I shall be beaten with more credit then Than now I do escape. Lieutenant, has't Bethought thyself as yet? Has't any way To make my sword fetch blood?

SLICER. You never yet Did kill your man, then?

HAVE. No.

HEAR. Nor get your wench With child, I warrant?

HAVE. O sir!

SLICER. You're not quite Free of the gentry, till y' have marr'd one man And made another. When one fury hath Cried quit with t'other, and your lust repair'd What anger hath destroy'd, the title's yours; Till then you do but stand for't.

HAVE. Pox! who'd be That vile, scorn'd name, that stuffs all court-gate bills? Lieutenant, thou may'st teach me valour yet.

SLICER. Teach thee! I will inspire thee; man, I'll make Thy name become a terror; and to say That Have-at-all is coming shall make room, As when the bears are in procession. Hark hither, Frank--[_They consult._

HEAR. That's good, but--

SLICER. How think'st now?

HEAR. Nay, he will pay you large--ly. [_Aloud._

HAVE. Pay, what else?

HEAR. Make him believe the citizen's his guest; The citizen, that he is his.

SLICER. Concluded. Would you fight fair, or conquer by a spell?

HAVE. I do not care for witchcraft; I would have My strength rely merely upon itself.

SLICER. There is a way, though I ne'er show'd it yet But to one Spaniard, and 'twas wondrous happy.

HAVE. Think me a second Spaniard, worthy sir.

SLICER. Then listen. The design is by a dinner-- An easy way, you'll say: I'll say, a true. Hunger may break stone walls, it ne'er hurts men: Your cleanly feeder is your man of valour. What makes the peasant grovel in his muck, Humbling his crooked soul, but that he eats Bread just in colour like it? Courage ne'er Vouchsaf'd to dwell a minute where a sullen Pair of brown loaves darken'd the dirty table; Shadows of bread, not bread. You never knew A solemn son of bag-pudding and pottage Make a commander, or a tripe-eater Become a tyrant. He's the kingdom's arm That can feed large and choicely.

HAVE. If that be The way, I'll eat myself into courage, And will devour valour enough quickly.

SLICER. 'Tis not the casual eating of those meats That doth procure those spirits, but the order And manner of the meal--the ranking of The dishes, that does all; else he that hath The greatest range, would be the hardiest man. Those goodly juments of the guard would fight (As they eat beef) after six stone a day; The spit would nourish great attempts: my lord Would lead a troop, as well as now a masque; And force the enemy's sword with as much ease As his mistress's bodkin: gallants would Owe valour to their ordinaries, and fight After a crown meal.

HAVE. I do conceive The art is all in all. If that you'll give A bill of your directions, I'll account Myself oblig'd unto you for my safety.

SLICER. Take it then thus. All must be soldier-like; No dish but must present artillery; Some military instrument in each. Imprimis, six or seven yards of tripe Display'd instead o' th' ensign.

HAVE. Why, you said Tripe-eaters ne'er made tyrants.

SLICER. Peace, sir: learners Must be attentive, and believe. Do y' think We'll eat this? 'Tis but for formality. Item, a collar of good large fat brawn Serv'd for a drum, waited upon by two Fair long black-puddings, lying by for drumsticks. Item, a well-grown lamprey for a fife; Next some good curious march-panes[138] made into The form of trumpets. Then in order shall Follow the officers: the captain first Shall be presented in a warlike cock, Swimming in white broth, as he's wont in blood: The serjeant-major he may bustle in The shape of some large turkey: for myself, Who am lieutenant, I'm content there be A buzzard only. Let the corporal Come sweating in a breast of mutton, stuff'd[139] With pudding, or strut in some aged carp: Either doth serve, I think. As for perdues,[140] Some choice sous'd fish brought couchant in a dish Among some fennel or some other grass, Shows how they lie i' th' field. The soldier then May be thus rank'd: the common one, chicken, Duck, rabbit, pigeon; for the more genteel, Snipe, woodcock, partridge, pheasant, quail, will serve.

HEAR. Bravely contriv'd!

SLICER. That weapons be not wanting, We'll have a dozen of bones well-charg'd with marrow For ordnance, muskets, petronels, petards; Twelve yards of sausage by, instead of match; And caveary[141] then prepar'd for wild-fire.

HEAR. Rare rogue! how I do love him now, methinks!

SLICER. Next we'll have true fat eatable old pikes, Then a fresh turbot brought in for a buckler, With a long spitchcock for the sword adjoin'd. We'll bring the ancient weapons into play.

HAVE. Most rare, by heaven!

SLICER. Peaches, apricocks, And malecotoons,[142] with other choicer plums, Will serve for large-sized bullets; then a dish Or two of peas for small ones. I could now Tell you of pepper in the stead of powder, But that 'tis not in fashion 'mongst us gallants. If this might all stand upon drum-heads, 'twould Work somewhat better.

HAVE. Will't so? Then we'll have 'em From every ward i' th' city.

SLICER. No, I'm loth To put you to such charge. For once a long Table shall serve the turn; 'tis no great matter. The main thing's still behind. We must have there Some fort to scale; a venison-pasty doth it. You may have other pies instead of outworks: Some sconces would not be amiss, I think. When this is all prepar'd, and when we see The table look like a pitch'd battle, then We'll give the word, fall to, slash, kill and spoil: Destruction, rapine, violence! spare none.

HEAR. Thou hast forgotten wine, lieutenant--wine.

SLICER. Then to avoid the gross absurdity Of a dry battle, 'cause there must some blood Be spill'd (on th' enemies' side, I mean) you may Have there a rundlet of brisk claret, and As much of alicant; the same quantity Of tent would not be wanting--'tis a wine Most like to blood. Some shall bleed fainter colours, As sack and white wine. Some that have the itch (As there are tailors still in every army), Shall run with Rhenish that hath brimstone in't. When this is done, fight boldly: write yourself The tenth or 'leventh worthy--which you please: Your choice is free.

HAVE. I'll be the gaming worthy; My word shall be twice twelve. I think the dice Ne'er mounted any upon horseback yet.

SLICER. We'll bring your friends and ours to this large dinner: It works the better, eaten before witness. Beware you say 'tis yours; confession is One step to weakness; private conscience is A theatre to valour. Let's be close: Old Credulous and his son, and Master Caster, Shall all be there.

HAVE. But then they will grow valiant All at my charge.

SLICER. Ne'er fear't: the unknowing man Eats only flesh, the understanding, valour: His ignorance i' th' mystery keeps him coward. To him 'tis but a meal; to you 'tis virtue. It shall be kept here.

HAVE. No fitter place. There is An old rich clutch-fist knight, Sir Thomas Bitefig, Invite him too; perhaps I may have luck, And break his purse yet open for one hundred. A usurer is somewhat exorable, When he is full; he ne'er lends money empty.

SLICER. Discreet, and wisely done: I was about T' have prompted it.

HEAR. Stout Master Have-at-all, Let's be sworn brothers.

HAVE. Pox! thou fear'st I'll beat thee, After I've eaten. Dost thou think I'll offer't? By my next meal, I won't; nay, I do love My friends howe'er. I do but think how I Shall bastinado o'er the ordinaries. Arm'd with my sword, battoon and foot, I'll walk To give each rank its due. No one shall 'scape, But he I win of.

HEAR. You shall have at least Some twenty warrants sign'd upon you straight: The trunk-hose justices will try all means To bind you to the peace, but that your strength Shall not be bound by any.

SLICER. Surgeons will Pray for your health and happiness: you may Bring them to be your tributaries, if You but deny to fight awhile.

HAVE. My teeth Are on an edge till I do eat. Now will I cosen all men without opposition: I feel my strength increase with very thought on't. Sword, sword, thou shalt grow fat; and thou, battoon, Hold out, I prythee: when my labour's done, I'll plant thee in the Tower-yard, and there, Water'd with wine, thou shalt revive, and spring In spite of nature with fresh succulent boughs, Which shall supply the commonwealth with cudgels. Thou I first meet after this meal I do Pronounce unhappy shadow--happy yet In that thou'lt fall by me. Some men I will Speak into carcase; some I'll look to death; Others I'll breathe to dust: none shall hold back This fatal arm. The Templars shall not dare T' attempt a rescue; no mild words shall bury My splitted, spitchcock'd----

SLICER. Oliv'd,[143] hash'd----

HEAR. Dri'd, powder'd----

HAVE. Roasted fury. [_Exeunt._