SCENE II.

MISTRESS POTLUCK.

POT. Now help, good heaven! 'tis such an uncouth thing To be a widow out of term-time: I Do feel such aguish qualms and dumps, and fits, And shakings still an end! I lately was A wife, I do confess; but yet I had No husband; he, alas! was dead to me, Even when he lived unto the world: I was A widow, whilst he breath'd. His death did only Make others know so much; but yet--

_Enter_ HEARSAY.

HEAR. How now? So melancholy, sweet?

POT. How could I choose, Being thou wert not here? The time is come: Thou'lt be as good unto me as thy word?

HEAR. Nay, hang me, if I e'er recant. You'll take me Both wind and limb at th' venture, will you not?

POT. Ay, good chuck, every inch of thee; she were no true woman that would not.

HEAR. I must tell you one thing--and yet I'm loth.

POT. I am thy rib, Thou must keep nothing from thy rib, good chuck: Thy yoke-fellow must know all thy secrets.

HEAR. Why then, I'll tell you, sweet. [_He whispers her._

POT. Heaven defend!

HEAR. 'Tis true.

POT. Now, God forbid! and would you offer T' undo a widow-woman so? I had As lief the old vintner were alive again.

HEAR. I was born[119] with it, I confess; but lying In Turkey for intelligence, the Great Turk, Somewhat suspicious of me, lest I might Entice some o' th' seraglio, did command I should be forthwith cut.

POT. A heathen deed It was! none but an infidel could have The heart to do it.

HEAR. Now you know the worst That you must trust to. Come, let's to the church.

POT. Good Master Hearsay, nature ne'er intended One woman should be joined to another: The holy blessing of all wedlock was T' increase and multiply, as Master Christopher Did well observe last Sabbath. I'll not do Anything 'gainst God's word. I do release you Of all your promises; and that it may not Be said you lost by loving me, take this. Perhaps I may get you a contribution O' th' women of the parish, as I did The broken-bellied man the other day.

HEAR. Seeing you needs will cast me off, let me Entreat this one thing of you: that you would not Make me your table-talk at the next gossiping. [_Exit._

POT. Indeed I pity thee, poor thing; or rather I pity thee, poor nothing!

_Enter_ SLICER.

Good lieutenant, How dost thou? Thou art mindful of thy promise.

SLICER. What else, my jolly wench?

POT. Good sweet lieutenant, Give me but leave to ask one question of you: Art thou entire and sound in all thy limbs?

SLICER. To tell the very truth, ere now I've had A spice o' the pox or so; but now I am sound As any bell--hem! was't not shrill, my girl? ha!

POT. I do not ask thee about these diseases: My question is, whether thou'st all thy parts?

SLICER. Faith, I have lost a joint or two; as none Of our profession, come off whole, unless The general and some sneaks.

POT. My meaning is, Whether that something is not wanting that Should write thee husband?

SLICER. Ne'er fear that, my wench: Dost think the king would send me to the wars Without I had my weapons? Eunuchs are not Men of employment in these days. His majesty Hath newly put me on a piece of service; And if I e'er come off (which I do fear I sha'n't, the danger is so great) brave widow, We'll to't, and get commanders.

POT. If you can Leave me, I can leave you. There are other men That won't refuse a fortune when 'tis proffer'd.

SLICER. Well, I must to his majesty: think on't: So fare thee well. Thine, to his very death, That is, a month or two, perhaps, D. Slicer. [_Exit._

_Enter_ SHAPE.

POT. Kind Master Shape, you are exceeding welcome. Here hath been Master Hearsay and Lieutenant Slicer: you may guess at their business, but I hope you think me faithful.

SHAPE. I believe The memory of your husband's ashes, which Scarce yet are cold, extinguisheth all flames That tend to kindling any love fire. 'Tis A virtue in you which I must admire, That only you, amongst so many, should Be the sole turtle of the age.

POT. I do Bear him in memory, I confess; but when I do remember what your promise was When he lay sick, it doth take something from The bitterness of sorrow. Woman was Not made to be alone still.

SHAPE. Tender things At seventeen may use that plea; but you Are now arriv'd at matron. These young sparks Are rak'd up, I presume, in sager embers.

POT. Nay, don't abuse her that must be your wife. You might have pity, and not come with your nicknames, And call me turtle. Have I deserved this?

SHAPE. If that you once hold merits, I have done. I'm glad I know what's your religion.

POT. What's my religion? 'Tis well known there hath Been no religion in my house, e'er since My husband died.

_Enter_ SLICER, HEARSAY.

HEAR. How now, sweet Shape'! So close alone Wi' your widow!

SHAPE. Sirs, dare you believe it? This thing, whose prayer it hath been these ten Years that she may obtain the second tooth And the third hair, now doats on me; on me, That do refuse all that are past sixteen.

SLICER. Why, faith, this was her suit to me just now.

HEAR. I had the first on't, then. A coachman or A groom, were fitter far for her.

SLICER. You do Honour her too much to think she deserves A thing that can lust moderately: give her The sorrel stallion in my lord's long stable.

SHAPE. Or the same-colour'd brother, which is worse.

POT. Why, gentlemen----

HEAR. Foh, foh! She hath let fly.

POT. D'you think I have no more manners than so?

SHAPE. Nay, faith, I can excuse her for that; but I must confess she spoke, which is all one.

SLICER. Her breath would rout an army sooner than That of a cannon.

HEAR. It would lay a devil Sooner than all Trithemius' charms.[120]

SHAPE. Hark how It blusters in her nostrils, like a wind In a foul chimney!

POT. Out, you base companions, You stinking swabbers!

HEAR. For her gait, that's such As if her nose did strive t' outrun her heels.

SHAPE. She's just six yards behind when that appears. It saves an usher, madam.

POT. You are all Most foul-mouth'd knaves to use a woman thus.

SLICER. Your plaster'd face doth drop against moist weather.

SHAPE. Fie, how you writhe it! Now it looks just like A ruffled boot.

SLICER. Or an oil'd paper-lantern.

HEAR. Her nose the candle in the midst of it.

SHAPE. How bright it flames! Put out your nose, good lady; You burn daylight.[121]

POT. Come up, you lousy rascals.

HEAR. Not upon you for a kingdom, good Joan. The Great Turk, Joan, the Great Turk!

SLICER. Kiss him, chuck; Kiss him, chuck, open-mouth'd, and be reveng'd.

POT. Hang you, base cheating varlet!

SLICER. Don't you see December in her face?

SHAPE. Sure, the surveyor Of the highways will have to do with her For not keeping her countenance passable.

HEAR. There lies a hoar-frost on her head, and yet A constant thaw in her nose.

SHAPE. She's like a piece Of firewood, dropping at one end, and yet Burning i' th' midst.

SLICER. O that endeavouring face! When will your costiveness have done, good madam?

HEAR. Do you not hear her guts already squeak Like kit-strings?

SLICER. They must come to that within

This two or three years: by that time she'll be True perfect cat. They practise beforehand.

POT. I can endure no longer, though I should Throw off my womanhood.

HEAR. No need, that's done Already: nothing left thee that may style thee Woman, but lust and tongue: no flesh but what The vices of the sex exact, to keep them In heart.

SHAPE. Thou art so lean and out of case, That 'twere absurd to call thee devil incarnate.

SLICER. Th' art a dry devil, troubled with the lust Of that thou hast not, flesh.

POT. Rogue, rascal, villain! I'll show your cheating tricks, i' faith: all shall Be now laid open. Have I suffer'd you Thus long i' my house, and ne'er demanded yet One penny rent for this? I'll have it all: By this good blessed light, I will!

HEAR. You may, If that you please undo yourself; you may: I will not strive to hinder you. There is Something contriving for you, which may be Perhaps yet brought about: a match or so; A proper fellow: 'tis a trifle, that; A thing you care not for, I know. Have I Plotted to take you off from these, to match you In better sort, and am us'd thus? As for The rent you ask, here take it; take your money; Fill, choke your gaping throat: but if as yet You are not deaf to counsel, let me tell you, It had been better that you ne'er had took it; It may stop some proceedings.

POT. Master Hearsay, You know you may have even my heart out of My belly (as they say), if you'll but take The pains to reach it out. I am sometimes Peevish, I do confess. Here, take your money.

HEAR. No.

POT. Good sir.

HEAR. No, keep it and hoard it up; My purse is no safe place for it.

POT. Let me Request you that you would be pleas'd to take it.

HEAR. Alas! 'twould only trouble me: I can As willingly go light as be your treasurer.

POT. Good Master Slicer, speak to him to take it. Sweet Master Shape, join with him.[122]

SLICER. Nay, be once O'errul'd by a woman.

SHAPE. Come, come; you shall take it.

POT. Nay, faith you shall. Here, put it up, good sir.

HEAR. Upon entreaty, I'm content for once; But make no custom of't. You do presume Upon my easy foolishness: 'tis that Makes you so bold. Were it another man, He ne'er would have to do with you. But mark me-- If e'er I find you in this mood again, I'll dash your hopes of marriage for ever.

[_Exeunt all but_ HEARSAY.