Chapter 9

_A Room in Young Arthur's House_.

_Enter_ MISTRESS ARTHUR _and her_ MAID.

MRS ART. Come, spread the table; is the hall well rubb'd? The cushions in the windows neatly laid? The cupboard of plate set out? the casements stuck With rosemary and flowers? the carpets brush'd?

MAID. Ay, forsooth, mistress.

MRS ART. Look to the kitchen-maid, and bid the cook take down the oven-stone, [lest] the pies be burned: here, take my keys, and give him out more spice.

MAID. Yes, forsooth, mistress.

MRS ART. Where's that knave Pipkin? bid him spread the cloth, Fetch the clean diaper napkins from my chest, Set out the gilded salt, and bid the fellow Make himself handsome, get him a clean band.

MAID. Indeed, forsooth, mistress, he is such a sloven, That nothing will sit handsome about him; He had a pound of soap to scour his face, And yet his brow looks like the chimney-stock.

MRS ART. He'll be a sloven still; maid, take this apron, And bring me one of linen: quickly, maid.

MAID. I go, forsooth.

MRS ART. There was a curtsy! let me see't again; Ay, that was well.--[_Exit_ MAID.] I fear my guests will come Ere we be ready. What a spite is this.

_Within_. Mistress!

MRS ART. What's the matter?

_Within_. Mistress, I pray, take Pipkin from the fire; We cannot keep his fingers from the roast.

MRS ART. Bid him come hither; what a knave is that! Fie, fie, never out of the kitchen! Still broiling by the fire!

_Enter_ PIPKIN.

PIP. I hope you will not take Pipkin from the fire, Till the broth be enough.

_Enter_ MAID, _with an apron_.

MRS ART. Well, sirrah, get a napkin and a trencher, And wait to-day. So, let me see: my apron. [_Puts it on_.]

PIP. Mistress, I can tell ye one thing, my master's wench Will come home to-day to dinner.

_Enter_ JUSTICE REASON, _and his man_ HUGH.

MRS ART. She shall be welcome, if she be his guest. But here's some of our guests are come already: A chair for Justice Reason, sirrah!

JUS. Good morrow, Mistress Arthur! you are like a good housewife: At your request I am come home. What, a chair! Thus age seeks ease. Where is your husband, mistress? What, a cushion, too!

PIP. I pray you, ease your tail, sir.

JUS. Marry, and will, good fellow; twenty thanks.

[HUGH _and_ PIPKIN _converse apart_.]

PIP. Master Hugh, as welcome as heart can tell, or tongue can think.

HUGH. I thank you, Master Pipkin; I have got many a good dish of broth by your means.

PIP. According to the ancient courtesy, you are welcome; according to the time and place, you are heartily welcome: when they are busied at the board, we will find ourselves busied in the buttery; and so, sweet Hugh, according to our scholars' phrase, _gratulor adventum tuum_.

HUGH. I will answer you with the like, sweet Pipkin, _gratias_.

PIP. As much grace as you will, but as little of it as you can, good Hugh. But here comes more guests.

_Enter_ OLD MASTER ARTHUR _and_ OLD MASTER LUSAM.

MRS ART. More stools and cushions for these gentlemen.

O. ART. What, Master Justice Reason, are you here? Who would have thought to have met you in this place?

O. LUS. What say mine eyes, is Justice Reason here? Mountains may meet, and so, I see, may we.

JUS. Well, when men meet, they meet, And when they part, they oft leave one another's company; So we, being met, are met.

O. LUS. Truly, you say true; And Master Justice Reason speaks but reason: To hear how wisely men of law will speak!

_Enter_ ANSELM _and_ FULLER.

ANS. Good morrow, gentlemen!

MRS ART. What? are you there?

ANS. Good morrow, mistress, and good morrow, all!

JUS. If I may be so bold in a strange place, I say, good morrow, and as much to you. I pray, gentlemen, will you sit down? We have been young, like you; and, if you live Unto our age, you will be old like us.

FUL. Be rul'd by reason; but who's here?

_Enter_ AMINADAB.

AMIN. _Salvete, omnes_! and good day To all at once, as I may say; First, Master Justice; next, Old Arthur, That gives me pension by the quarter; To my good mistress and the rest, That are the founders of this feast; In brief, I speak to _omnes_, all, That to their meat intend to fall.

JUS. Welcome, Sir Aminadab; O, my son Hath profited exceeding well with you: Sit down, sit down, by Mistress Arthur's leave.

_Enter_ YOUNG MASTER ARTHUR, YOUNG MASTER LUSAM, _and_ MISTRESS MARY.

Y. ART. Gentlemen, welcome all; whilst I deliver Their private welcomes, wife, be it your charge To give this gentlewoman entertainment.

MRS ART. Husband, I will. O, this is she usurps The precious interest of my husband's love; Though, as I am a woman, I could well Thrust such a lewd companion out of doors; Yet, as I am a true, obedient, wife, I'd kiss her feet to do my husband's will. [_Aside_. You are entirely welcome, gentlewoman; Indeed you are; pray, do not doubt of it.

MRS MA. I thank you, Mistress Arthur; now, by my little honesty, It much repents me to wrong so chaste a woman. [_Aside_.

Y. ART. Gentles, put o'er your legs; first, Master Justice, Here you shall sit.

JUS. And here shall Mistress Mary sit by me.

Y. ART. Pardon me, sir, she shall have my wife's place.

MRS ART. Indeed, you shall, for he will have it so.

MRS MA. If you will needs; but I shall do you wrong To take your place.

O. LUS. Ay, by my faith, you should.

MRS ART. That is no wrong, which we impute no wrong! I pray you, sit.

Y. ART. Gentlemen all, I pray you, seat yourselves: What, Sir Aminadab, I know where your heart is. [_Aside_. AMIN. Mum, not a word, _pax vobis_, peace: Come, gentles, I'll be of this mess.

Y. ART. So, who gives thanks?

AMIN. Sir, that will I.

Y. ART. I pray you to it by and by. Where's Pipkin? Wait at the board; let Master Season's man Be had into the buttery; but first give him A napkin and a trencher. Well-said. Hugh, Wait at your master's elbow: now say grace.

AMIN. _Gloria Deo_, sirs, proface; Attend me now, whilst I say grace. For bread and salt, for grapes and malt, For flesh and fish, and every dish; Mutton and beef, of all meats chief; For cow-heels, chitterlings, tripes and souse, And other meat that's in the house; For racks, for breasts, for legs, for loins, For pies with raisins and with proins, For fritters, pancakes, and for fries, For ven'son pasties and minc'd pies; Sheeps'-head and garlic, brawn and mustard, Wafers, spic'd cakes, tart, and custard; For capons, rabbits, pigs, and geese, For apples, caraways, and cheese; For all these and many mo: _Benedicamus Domino_!

ALL. Amen.

JUS. I con you thanks; but, Sir Aminadab, Is that your scholar! now, I promise you, He is a toward stripling of his age.

PIP. Who? I, forsooth? yes, indeed, forsooth, I am his scholar. I would you should well think I have profited under him too; you shall hear, if he will pose me.

O. ART. I pray you, let's hear him.

AMIN. _Huc ades_, Pipkin.

PIP. _Adsum_.

AMIN. _Quot casus sunt_? how many cases are there?

PIP. Marry, a great many.

AMIN. Well-answer'd, a great many: there are six, Six, a great many; 'tis well-answer'd; And which be they?

PIP. A bow-case, a cap-case, a comb-case, a lute-case, a fiddle-case, and a candle-case.

JUS. I know them all; again, well-answer'd: Pray God, my youngest son profit no worse.

AMIN. How many parsons are there?

PIP. I'll tell you as many as I know, if you'll give me leave to reckon them.

ANS. I prythee, do.

PIP. The parson of Fenchurch, the parson of Pancras, and the parson of------

Y. ART. Well, sir, about your business:--now will I Temper the cup my loathed wife shall drink [_Aside, and exit_.

O. ART. Daughter, methinks you are exceeding sad.

O. LUS. Faith, daughter, so thou art exceeding sad.

MRS ART. 'Tis but my countenance, for my heart is merry: Mistress, were you as merry as you are welcome, You should not sit so sadly as you do.

MRS MA. 'Tis but because I am seated in your place, Which is frequented seldom with true mirth.

MRS ART. The fault is neither in the place nor me.

AMIN. How say you, lady? To him you last did lie by! All this is no more, _praebibo tibi_.

MRS MA. I thank you, sir. Mistress, this draught shall be To him that loves both you and me!

MRS ART. I know your meaning.

ANS. Now to me, If she have either love or charity.

MRS ART. Here, Master Justice, this to your grave years, A mournful draught, God wot: half-wine, half-tears. [_Aside_.

JUS. Let come, my wench; here, youngsters, to you all! You are silent: here's that will make you talk. Wenches, methink you sit like puritans: Never a jest abroad to make them laugh?

FUL. Sir, since you move speech of a puritan, If you will give me audience, I will tell ye As good a jest as ever you did hear.

O. ART. A jest? that's excellent!

JUS. Beforehand, let's prepare ourselves to laugh; A jest is nothing, if it be not grac'd. Now, now, I pray you, when begins this jest?

FUL. I came unto a puritan, to woo her, And roughly did salute her with a kiss: Away! quoth she, and rudely push'd me from her; Brother, by yea and nay, I like not this: And still with amorous talk she was saluted, My artless speech with Scripture was confuted.

O. LUS. Good, good, indeed; the best that e'er I heard.

O. ART. I promise you, it was exceeding good.

FUL. Oft I frequented her abode by night, And courted her, and spake her wond'rous fair; But ever somewhat did offend her sight, Either my double ruff or my long hair; My scarf was vain, my garments hung too low, My Spanish shoe was cut too broad at toe.

ALL. Ha, ha! the best that ever I heard!

FUL. I parted for that time, and came again, Seeming to be conform'd in look and speech; My shoes were sharp-toed, and my band was plain, Close to my thigh my metamorphos'd breech; My cloak was narrow-cap'd, my hair cut shorter; Off went my scarf, thus march'd I to the porter.

ALL. Ha, ha! was ever heard the like?

FUL. The porter, spying me, did lead me in, Where his fair mistress sat reading of a chapter; Peace to this house, quoth I, and those within, Which holy speech with admiration wrapp'd her; And ever as I spake, and came her nigh, Seeming divine, turn'd up the white of eye.

JUS. So, so, what then?

O. LUS. Forward, I pray, forward, sir.

FUL. I spake divinely, and I call'd her sister, And by this means we were acquainted well: By yea and nay, I will, quoth I, and kiss'd her. She blush'd, and said, that long-tongu'd men would tell; I swore[18] to be as secret as the night, And said, on sooth, I would put out the light.

O. ART. In sooth he would! a passing-passing jest.

FUL. O, do not swear, quoth she, yet put it out, Because I would not have you break your oath. I felt a bed there, as I grop'd about; In troth, quoth I, here will we rest us both. Swear you, in troth, quoth she? had you not sworn, I had not done't, but took it in full scorn: Then you will come, quoth I? though I be loth, I'll come, quoth she, be't but to keep your oath.

JUS. 'Tis very pretty; but now, when's the jest?

O. ART. O, forward, to the jest in any case.

O. LUS. I would not, for an angel, lose the jest.

FUL. Here's right the dunghill cock that finds a pearl. To talk of wit to these, is as a man Should cast out jewels to a herd of swine--[_aside_.] Why, in the last words did consist the jest.

O. LUS. Ay, in the last words? ha, ha, ha! It was an excellent admired jest-- To them that understood it.

_Enter_ YOUNG MASTER ARTHUR, _with two cups of wine_.

JUS. It was, indeed; I must, for fashion's sake, Say as they say; but otherwise, O, God! [_Aside_. Good Master Arthur, thanks for our good cheer.

Y. ART. Gentlemen, welcome all; now hear me speak-- One special cause that mov'd me lead you hither, Is for an ancient grudge that hath long since Continued 'twixt my modest wife and me: The wrongs that I have done her I recant. In either hand I hold a sev'ral cup, This in the right hand, wife, I drink to thee, This in the left hand, pledge me in this draught, Burying all former hatred; so, have to thee. [_He drinks_.

MRS ART. The welcom'st pledge that yet I ever took: Were this wine poison, or did taste like gall, The honey-sweet condition of your draught Would make it drink like nectar: I will pledge you, Were it the last that I should ever drink.

Y. ART. Make that account: thus, gentlemen, you see Our late discord brought to a unity.

AMIN. _Ecce, quam bonum et quam jucundum Est habitare fratres in unum_.

O. ART. My heart doth taste the sweetness of your pledge, And I am glad to see this sweet accord.

O. LUS. Glad, quotha? there's not one among'st us, But may be exceeding glad.

JUS. I am, ay, marry, am I, that I am.

Y. LUS. The best accord that could betide their loves.

ANS. The worst accord that could betide my love.

[_All about to rise_.

AMIN: What, rising, gentles? keep your place, I will close up your stomachs with a grace; _O Domine et care Pater_, That giv'st us wine instead of water; And from the pond and river clear Mak'st nappy ale and good March beer; That send'st us sundry sorts of meat, And everything we drink or eat; To maids, to wives, to boys, to men, _Laus Deo Sancto_, Amen.

Y. ART. So, much good do ye all, and, gentlemen, Accept your welcomes better than your cheer.

O. LUS. Nay, so we do, I'll give you thanks for all. Come, Master Justice, you do walk our way, And Master Arthur, and old Hugh your man; We'll be the first [that] will strain courtesy.

JUS. God be with you all!

[_Exeunt_ O. ART., O. LUS., _and_ JUS. REASON.

AMIN. _Proximus ego sum_, I'll be the next, And man you home; how say you, lady?

Y. ART. I pray you do, good Sir Aminadab.

MRS MA. Sir, if it be not too much trouble to you, Let me entreat that kindness at your hands.

AMIN. Entreat! fie! no, sweet lass, command; _Sic_, so, _nunc_, now, take the upper hand.

[_Exit_ MRS MARY _escorted by_ AMINADAB.

Y. ART. Come, wife, this meeting was all for our sakes: I long to see the force my poison takes. [_Aside_.

MRS ART. My dear-dear husband, in exchange of hate, My love and heart shall on your service wait.

[_Exeunt_ Y. ART., MRS ART., _and_ PIPKIN.

ANS. So doth my love on thee; but long no more; To her rich love thy service is too poor.

FUL. For shame, no more! you had best expostulate Your love with every stranger; leave these sighs, And change them to familiar conference.

Y. LUS. Trust me, the virtues of young Arthur's wife, Her constancy, modest humility, Her patience, and admired temperance, Have made me love all womankind the better.

_Re-enter_ PIPKIN.

PIP. O, my mistress! my mistress! she's dead! She's gone! she's dead! she's gone!

ANS. What's that he says?

PIP. Out of my way! stand back, I say! All joy from earth has fled! She is this day as cold as clay; My mistress she is dead! O Lord, my mistress! my mistress! [_Exit_.

ANS. What, Mistress Arthur dead? my soul is vanish'd, And the world's wonder from the world quite banish'd. O, I am sick, my pain grows worse and worse; I am quite struck through with this late discourse.

FUL. What! faint'st thou, man? I'll lead thee hence; for shame! Swoon at the tidings of a woman's death! Intolerable, and beyond all thought! Come, my love's fool, give me thy hand to lead; This day one body and two hearts are dead.

[_Exeunt_ ANSELM _and_ FULLER.

Y. LUS. But now she was as well as well might be, And on the sudden dead; joy in excess Hath overrun her poor disturbed soul. I'll after, and see how Master Arthur takes it; His former hate far more suspicious makes it. [_Exit_.

_Enter_ HUGH, _and after him_, PIPKIN.

HUGH. My master hath left his gloves behind where he sat in his chair, and hath sent me to fetch them; it is such an old snudge, he'll not lose the droppings of his nose.

PIP. O mistress! O Hugh! O Hugh! O mistress! Hugh, I must needs beat thee; I am mad! I am lunatic! I must fall upon thee: my mistress is dead! [_Beats_ HUGH.

HUGH. O Master Pipkin, what do you mean? what do you mean, Master Pipkin?

PIP. O Hugh! O mistress! O mistress! O Hugh!

HUGH. O Pipkin! O God! O God! O Pipkin!

Pip. O Hugh, I am mad! bear with me, I cannot choose: O death! O mistress! O mistress! O death! [_Exit_.

HUGH. Death, quotha? he hath almost made me dead with beating.

_Re-enter_ JUSTICE REASON, OLD MASTER ARTHUR, _and_ OLD MASTER LUSAM.

JUS. I wonder why the knave, my man, stays thus, And comes not back: see where the villain loiters.

_Re-enter_ PIPKIN.

PIP. O Master Justice! Master Arthur! Master Lusam! wonder not why I thus blow and bluster; my mistress is dead! dead is my mistress! and therefore hang yourselves. O, my mistress, my mistress! [_Exit_.

O. ART. My son's wife dead!

O. LUS. My daughter!

_Enter_ YOUNG MASTER ARTHUR, _mourning_.

JUS. Mistress Arthur! Here comes her husband.

Y. ART. O, here the woful'st husband comes alive, No husband now; the wight, that did uphold That name of husband, is now quite o'erthrown, And I am left a hapless widower.

O. ART. Fain would I speak, if grief would suffer me.

O. LUS. As Master Arthur says, so say I; If grief would let me, I would weeping die. To be thus hapless in my aged years! O, I would speak; but my words melt to tears.

Y. ART. Go in, go in, and view the sweetest corpse That e'er was laid upon a mournful room; You cannot speak for weeping sorrow's doom: Bad news are rife, good tidings seldom come.

[_Exeunt_.