Chapter 9

CACONOS, HYPOCRISY, TYRANNY, AVARICE.

[CACONOS.] In[40] gude feth, sir, this newis de gar me lope, Ay is as light as ay me wend, gif that yo wol me troth, Far new agen within awer loud installed is the Pope, Whese legat with authority tharawawt awr country goth, And charge befare him far te com us priests end lemen hath, Far te spay awt, gif that he mea, these new-sprang arataics, Whilk de disturb aur hally Kirk, laik a sart of saysmatics. Awr gilden Gods ar brought ayen intea awr kirks ilkwhare, That unte tham awr parishioner ma offer thar gude-will. For hally mass in ilk place new thea autars de prepare, Hally water, pax, cross, banner, censer and candill, Cream, crismatory, hally bread, the rest omit ay will, Whilt hally fathers did invent fre awd antiquity, Be new received inte awr kirks with great solemnity. Bay these thaugh lemen been apprest, the clargy all het gean, Far te awr sents theis affer yifts all whilk we sall receive: Awr hally mass, thaw thea bay dere, thea de it but in vain, Far thaw ther frends frea Purgatory te help thea dea believe, Yet af ther hope, gif need rewhayre,[41] it wawd theam all deceive. Sea wawd awr pilgrimage, reliques, trentals, and pardons, Whilk far awr geyn inte awr Kirk ar braught in far the nonce. Far well a nere what war awr tenths and taythes that gro in fild, What gif we han of glebed loud ene plawwark bay the year, Awr affring deas de vara laytell ar nething te us yield: Awr beadroll geanes, awr chrisom clethes de laytle mend awr fare Gif awt af this we pea far vale, we laytle mare can spare. Sawl-masses, diriges, monethmayndes and buryings, Alsowlnday, kirkings, banasking and weddings. The sacraments, gif we mowt sell, war better than thea all; Far gif the Jews gave thratty pence te hang Chraist on a tree, Gude Christian folk thrayse thratty pence wawd count a price but small; Sea that te eat him with their teeth delaivered he mawght be. New of this thing delaiverance ne man can make but we, Se that the market in this punt we priests sawd han at will, And with the money we sowd yet awr pooches we sowd fill.

HYPOCRISY. I will go and salute him: good morrow, Sir John.[42]

CACON. Naw, bay may priest-hade, God give ye ten far ene.

HYPOCRISY. Do you, Master Parson, in this parish sing?

CACON. Yai, sir, that ay de, gif yowl give me trothing.

TYRANNY. I have a commission your house and church to seek, To search if you any seditious books do keep.

CACON. Whe ay? well a near, ay swear bay the Sacrament, Ay had rather han a cup af nale than a Testament.

HYPOCRISY. How can you without it your office discharge?

CACON. It is the least thing ay car far, bay may charge; Far se lang as thea han images wharon te luke, What need thea be distructed awt af a buik?

HYPOCRISY. Tush! that will modify them all well enou': As well a dead image as a dumb idol, I make God avow.

CACON. Yai, ay my sen bay experience thot con show; Far in may portace the tongue ay de nat know, Yet when ay see the great gilded letter, Ay ken it sea well, as nea man ken better. As far example: on the day of Chraist's nativity, Ay see a bab in a manger and two beasts standing by: The service whilk to Newyear's-day is assaign'd Bay the paicture of the circumcision ay faynd: The service, whilk on Twalfth-day mun be done, Ay seeke bay the mark of the three kings of Cologne. Bay the devil tenting Chraist ay find whadragesima: Bay Chraist on the cross ay serch out gude-fraiday. Pasch for his mark hath the Resurrection: Ayenst Hally-Thursday is pented Chraist's ascension: Thus in mayn own buke ay is a gude clerk; But gif the sents war gone, the cat had eat my mark. Se the sandry mairacles, whilk ilk sent have done, Bay the pictures on the walls sal appear to them soon, Bay the whilk thea ar learned in every distress, What sent thea mun prea te far succour, doubtless: Sea that all lepers to Sylvester must prea, That he wawd frae tham ther disease take away. Laykwais, thea that han the falling saickness, Te be eased therfre thea mun prea to Sent Cornelis: In contagious air, as in plague or pestilence, Te hally Sent-Ruke[43] thea mun call far assistance. Fra paril of drawning Sent Carp keep the mariners: Fra dayng in warfare Sent George guard the soldiers: Sent Job heal the poor, the ague Sent German: For te ease the toothache call te Sent Appolline[44]. Gif that a woman be barren and childless, Te help her herein she must prea te Sent Nicholas. Far wemen in travail call to Sent Magdalen; Far lawliness of mind call to Sent Katherine, Sent Loy save your horse, Sent Anthony your swine.

TYRANNY. What! this parson seemeth cunning to be, And, as far as I see, in a good uniformity. Yea, he is well read in that Golden Legend.

CACON. Bay may troth, in reading any other ne taym do I spend, Far that, ay ken, bay general caunsel is canonised, And bay the hely Pope himself is authorised: That buke farther is wholly permitted, Wharas the Baible in part is prohibited. And therefore, gif it be lawful to utter my conscience, Before the New Testament ays give it credence.

HYPOCRISY. I allow his judgment before Ambrose and Austin, And for Hypocrisy a more convenient chaplain.

AVARICE. It grieveth me much that no fault we can spy, For now of some bribe disappointed am I; Yet happily he may tell us of some heretics.

TYRANNY. Is there, Mast. Parson, in your parish no schismatics?

CACON. Yai, mara, is ther a vara busybody, Whe will jest with me and call me fule and noddy, And sets his lads te spout Latin ayenst me, But ay spose then with _Deparfundis Clam aui_: And oftentimes he wil reason with me of the Sacarment, And say he can prove bay the New Testament That Chraist's body is in heaven placed; But ays not believe him, ay woll not be awt-faced. He says besayd that the Pope is Antichraist, Fugered of John bay the seven-headed beast, And all awre religion is but mon's invention, And with God's ward is at utter dissension; And a plaguy deal mare of sayk layk talk, That ay dar not far may narse bay his yate walk, But ay wawd he wer brunt, that ay mawght be whaiet.[45]

TYRANNY. He must have a cooler; his tongue runs at riot.

AVARICE. What is his name, Sir John, canst thou tell us?

CACON. Yai, sir, that ay ken: he is cleped Phailelegoos.

TYRANNY. Wilt thou go show his house, where he dwell?

CACON. Yai, or els ay wawd may sawl war in hell. Te de him a pleasure ay wawd gang a whole year, Gif it war but te make him a fadock[46] te bear.

TYRANNY. Go with us, Avarice, and bear us company.

AVARICE. Nay, if you go hence, I will not here tarry.

HYPOCRISY. Away, sirs: in your business in a corner do not lurk, That my Lord Legate, when he comes, may have work.

TYRANNY. Come on: let us go together, Sir John.

CACON. Ay sall follow after. God boy, you good gentleman.

HYPOCRISY [_Aside_.] Farewell three false knaves as between this and London!

TYRANNY. What say'st thou?

HYPOCRISY. As honest men as the three Kings of Cologne.

[_Exeunt_ TYR. AVA. CACON.

This gear goes round, if that we had a fiddle: Nay, I must sing too, _heigh, dery, dery, dery_. I can do but laugh, my heart is so merry: I will be minstrel myself, _heigh, didle, didle, didle_; But lay there a straw I began to be weary. But hark; I hear a trampling of feet. It is my Lord Legate; I will him go meet.