Chapter 5

SEM. Tush, sir, be merry, let pass away the mare:[33] How say you, have I not hied me lightly? Here is your chair and lute to make you merry. CAL. Merry, quotha? nay, that will not be; But I must needs sit for very feebleness. Give me my lute, and thou shalt see How I shall sing mine unhappiness. This lute is out of tune now, as I guess; Alas! in tune how should I set it, When all harmony to me discordeth each whit, As he, to whose will reason is unruly? For I feel sharp needles within my breast; Peace, war, truth, hatred, and injury: Hope and suspect, and all in one chest. SEM. Behold, Nero, in the love of Poppaea[34] oppressed, Rome how he brent; old and young wept: But she took no thought, nor never the less slept. CAL. Greater is my fire, and less pity showed me. SEM. I will not mock; this fool is a lover. [_Aside_. CAL. What say'st thou? SEM. I say, how can that fire be, That tormenteth but one living man, greater Than that fire that brenneth a whole city here, And all the people therein? CAL. Marry, for that fire is greatest, That brenneth very sore, and lasteth longest; And greater is the fire that brenneth one soul, Than that which brenneth an hundred bodies. SEM. His saying in this none can control. [_Aside_. CAL. None but such as list to make lies! And if the fire of purgatory bren in such wise, I had liever my spirit in brute beasts should be, Than to go thither, and then to the deity. SEM. Marry, sir, that is a spice of heresy. CAL. Why so? SEM. For ye speak like no Christian man. CAL. I would thou knewest Melibaea worship I: In her I believe, and her I love. SEM. Ah, ah, then, With thee Melibaea is a great woman; I know on which foot thou dost halt on: I shall shortly heal thee, my life thereupon! CAL. An incredible thing thou dost promise me. SEM. Nay, nay, it is easy enough to do; But first, for to heal a man, knowledge must be Of the sickness; then to give counsel thereto. CAL. What counsel can rule him, Sempronio, That keepeth in him no order of counsel?[35] SEM. Ah, is this Calisto? his fire now I know well; How that love over him hath cast her net; In whose perseverance is all inconstancy. CAL. Why, is not Elisaeus' love and thine met? SEM. What then? CAL. Why reprovest me then of ignorance? SEM. For thou settest man's dignity in obeisance To the imperfection of the weak woman. CAL. A woman? Nay, a god of goddesses. SEM. Believest that then? CAL. Yea, and as a goddess I here confess; And I believe there is no such sovereign In heaven, though she be in earth. SEM. Peace, peace. A woman a god! nay, to God, a villain. Of your saying ye may be sorry. CAL. It is plain. SEM. Why so? CAL. Because I love her, and think surely To obtain my desire I am unworthy. SEM. O fearful heart! why comparest thou with Nimrod Or Alexander? of this world not lords only, But worthy to subdue heaven, as saying go'th; And thou reputest thyself more high Than them both, and despairest so cowardly To win a woman, of whom hath been so many Gotten and ungotten, never heard of any? It is recited in the Feast of Saint John: This is the woman of ancient malice; Of whom but of a woman was it sung on, That Adam was expulsed from Paradise? She put man to pain whom Eli did despise. CAL. Then sith Adam gave him to their governance, Am I greater than Adam myself to advance? SEM. Nay, but of those men it were wisdom, That overcame them to seek remedy, And not of those that they did overcome. Flee from their beginnings, eschew their folly: Thou knowest they do evil things many. They keep no mean, but rigour of intention; Be it fair [or] foul, wilful without reason. Keep them never so close, they will be showed, Give tokens of love by many subtle ways: Seeming to be sheep, and serpently shrewd: Craft in them renewing, that never decays. Their sayings and sightings provoking their plays. Oh, what pain is to fulfil their appetites, And to accomplish their wanton delights! It is a wonder to see their dissembling, Their flattering countenance, their ingratitude, Inconstancy, false witness, feigned weeping: Their vain-glory, and how they can delude: Their foolishness, their jangling not mew'd: Their lecherous lust and vileness therefore: Witchcrafts and charms to make men to their lore: Their embalming[36] and their unshamefacedness: Their bawdry, their subtlety, and fresh attiring! What trimming, what painting, to make fairness! Their false intents and flickering smiling: Therefore lo! it is an old saying That women be the devil's nets, and head of sin; And man's misery in Paradise did begin-- CAL. But what thinkest thou by me yet for all this? SEM. Marry, sir, ye were a man of clear wit, Whom Nature hath endued with the best gifts, As beauty and greatness of members perfit: Strength, lightness; and beyond this each whit Fortune hath parted with you of her influence, For to be able of liberal expense. For without goods, whereof Fortune is lady, No man can have wealth. Therefore by conjecture You should be beloved of everybody. CAL. But not of Melibaea now I am sure; And though thou hadst praised me without measure, And compared me without comparison, Yet she is above in every condition. Behold her nobleness, her ancient lineage, Her great patrimony, her excellent wit, Her resplendent virtue, her portly courage, Her godly grace, her sovereign beauty perfit! No tongue is able well to express it; But yet, I pray thee, let me speak awhile, Myself to refresh in rehearsing of my style. I begin at her hair, which is so goodly, Crisped to her heels, tied with fine lace. Far shining beyond fine gold of Araby: I trow the sun colour to it may give place; That who to behold it might have the grace, Would say in comparison nothing countervails-- SEM. Then is it not like hair of ass-tails? CAL. Oh, what foul comparison! this fellow rails. Her gay glassing eyes so fair and bright; Her brows, her nose in a mean[37] no fashion fails; Her mouth proper and feat, her teeth small and white; Her lips ruddy, her body straight upright; Her little teats to the eye is a pleasure. Oh, what a joy it is to see such a figure! Her skin of whiteness endarketh the snow, With rose-colour ennewed.[38] I thee ensure Her little hands in mean[39] manner--this no trow[4]-- Her fingers small and long, with nails ruddy: most pure Of proportion, none such in portraiture: Without peer: worthy to have for fairness The apple that Paris gave Venus the goodness. SEM. Sir, have ye all done? CAL. Yea, marry, what then? SEM. I put case all this ye have said be true; Yet are ye more noble, sith ye be a man. CAL. Wherein? SEM. She is imperfect, I would ye knew, As all women be, and of less value. Philosophers say the matter is less worthy Than the form; so is woman to man surely. CAL. I love not to hear this altercation Between Melibaea and me her lover. SEM. Possible it is in every condition To abhor her as much as you do love her In the woman beguiling is the danger, That ye shall see hereafter with eyes free. CAL. With what eyes? SEM. With clear eyes, trust me. CAL. Why, with what eyes do I see now? SEM. With dim eyes, which show a little thing much. But for ye shall not despair, I assure you No labour nor diligence in me shall grutch: So trusty and friendly ye shall find me such, In all things possible that ye can acquire The thing to accomplish to your desire. CAL. God bring that to pass, so glad it is to me To hear thee thus, though I hope not in thy doings. SEM. Yet I shall do it, trust me for a surety. CAL. God reward thee for thy gentle intending; I give thee this chain of gold in rewarding. SEM. Sir, God reward you, and send us good speed; I doubt not but I shall perform it indeed. But without rewards it is hard to work well. CAL. I am content, so thou be not negligent. SEM. Nay, be not you; for it passeth a marvel, The master slow, the servant to be diligent. CAL. How thinkest it can be? show me thine intent. SEM. Sir, I have a neighbour, a mother of bawdry, That can provoke the hard rocks to lechery. In all evil deeds she is perfect wise. I trow more than a thousand virgins Have been destroyed by her subtle devices, For she never faileth, where she begins: Alone by this craft her living she wins. Maids, wives, widows, and every one, If she once meddle, there escapeth none. CAL. How might I speak with her, Sempronio? SEM. I shall bring her hither unto this place; But ye must in any wise let rewards go, And show her your griefs in every case. CAL. Else were I not worthy to attain grace. But, alas, Sempronio, thou tarriest too long. SEM. Sir, God be with you. CAL. Christ make thee strong! [_Exit Sem_. The mighty and perdurable God be his guide, As he guided the three kings into Bedlam[40] From the east by the star, and again did provide As their conduct to return to their own realm; So speed my Sempronio to quench the leme[41] Of this fire, which my heart doth waste and spend; And that I may come to my desired end! To pass the time now will I walk Up and down within mine orchard, And to myself go commune and talk; And pray that fortune to me be not hard; Longing to hear, whether made or marred, My message shall return by my servant Sempronio. Thus farewell, my lords; for a while I will go.

_Enter_ CELESTINA, _the bawd_.

CEL. Now the blessing that our lady gave her son, That same blessing I give now to you all! That I come thus homely, I pray you of pardon; I am sought and send for as a woman universal. Celestina, of truth, my name is to call; Sempronio for me about doth inquire, And it was told me I should have found him here. I am sure he will come hither anon; But the whilst I shall tell you a pretty game: I have a wench of Sempronio's, a pretty one, That sojourneth with me: Elicaea is her name. But the last day we were both nigh a stark shame, For Sempronio would have her to himself several; And she loveth one Crito better or as well. This Crito and Elicaea sat drinking In my house, and I also making merry; And as the devil would, far from our thinking, Sempronio almost came on us suddenly. But then wrought I my craft of bawdry; I bade Crito go up, and make himself room To hide him in my chamber among the broom.[42] Then made I Elicaea sit down a-sewing, And I with my rock[43] began for to spin; As who saith of Sempronio we had no knowing. He knocked at the door, and I let him in; And for a countenance I did begin To catch him in mine arms, and said, see, see! Who kisseth me, Elicaea, and will not kiss thee? Elicaea for a countenance made her grieved, And would not speak, but still did sew. Why speak ye not? quoth Sempronio, be ye moved? Have I not a cause, quoth she? no, quoth he, I trow. Ah! traitor, quoth she, full well dost thou know! Where hast thou been these three days from me, That the imposthumes and evil death take thee! Peace, mine Elicaea, quoth he, why say ye thus? Alas! why put you yourself in this woe? The hot fire of love so brenneth between us, That my heart is with yours, wherever I go; And for three days' absence to say to me so, In faith, methinketh, ye be to blame. But now hark well, for here beginneth the game! Crito, in my chamber above that was hidden, I think lay not easily, and began to rumble; Sempronio heard that, and asked who was within, Above in the chamber that so did tumble. Who? quoth she; a lover of mine! may-hap, ye stumble, Quoth he, on the truth, as many one doth. So up, quoth she, and look, whether it be sooth. Well, quoth he, I go. Nay, thought I, not so, I said, come, Sempronio, let this fool alone; For of thy long absence she is in such woe, And half beside herself, and her wit nigh gone. Well, quoth he, above yet there is one. Wilt thou know, quoth I? yea, quoth he, I thee require; It is a wench, quoth I, sent me by a friar. What friar? quoth he. Wilt thou needs know? quoth I; then It is the friar[44] ... Oh, quoth he, what a load hath that woman To bear him! Yea, quoth I; though women per case Bear heavy full oft, yet they gall in no place. Then he laughed; yea, quoth I, no more words of this For this time; too long we spend here amiss.

_Intrat_ SEMPRONIO.

SEM. O mother Celestine, I pray God prosper thee. CEL. My son Sempronio, I am glad of our meeting. And, as I hear say, ye go about to seek me? SEM. Of truth, to seek you was mine hither coming. Mother, lay apart now all other thing, And alonely tend to me, and imagine In that that I purpose now to begin. Calisto in the love of fair Melibaea Burneth; wherefore of thee he hath great need. CEL. Thou say'st well, knowest not me Celestina? I have the end of the matter, and for more speed Thou shalt wade no farther; for of this deed I am as glad, as ever was the surgeon For salves for broke heads to make provision. And so intend I to do to Calisto: To give him hope and assure him remedy; For long hope to the heart much trouble will do. Wherefore to the effect thereof I will hie. SEM. Peace, for methinketh Calisto is nigh.

_Intrat_ CALISTO _et_ PARMENO.

CAL. Parmeno. PAR. What say you? CAL. Wottest who is here? Sempronio! that reviveth my cheer. PAR. It is Sempronio, with that old bearded whore. Be ye they my master so sore fordoth long?[45] CAL. Peace, I say, Parmeno, or go out of the door! Comest thou to hinder me? then dost thou me wrong; I pray thee help for to make me more strong, To win this woman: else, gods forbode, She hath equal power of my life under God. PAR. Wherefore to her do ye make such sorrow? Think ye in her arse there is any shame? The contrary who telleth you, be never his borrow; For as much she glorifieth her in her name, To be called an old whore, as ye would of fame. Dogs in the street and children at every door Bark and cry out, There goeth an old whore! CAL. How knowest all this? dost thou know her? PAR. Yea that [I do time long][46] agone For a false whore, the devil overthrow her! My mother, when she died, gave me to her alone, And a starker bawd was there never none. For that I know I dare well say:[47] Let see the contrary who can lay. I have been at her house and seen her trinkets For painting; things innumerable; Squalms and balms; I wonder where she gets The things that she hath with folks for to fable, And to all bawdry ever agreeable. Yet worse than that, which will never be laft, Not only a bawd, but a witch by her craft. CEL. Say what thou wilt, son, spare not me. SEM. I pray thee, Parmeno, leave thy malicious envy. [_Calisto goes aside_. PAR. Hark hither, Sempronio, here is but we three; In that I have said canst thou deny? GAL. Come hence, Parmeno, I love not this, I; And, good mother, grieve you not, I you pray. My mind I shall show now, hark what I say. O notable woman, O ancient virtue! O glorious hope of my desired intent! The end of my delectable hope to renew: My regeneration to this life present, Resurrection from death so excellent; Thou art above [all] other. I desire humbly To kiss thy hands, wherein lieth my remedy. But mine unworthiness maketh resistance; Yet worship I the ground that thou goest on, Beseeching thee, good woman, with most reverence On my pain with thy pity to look upon. Without thy comfort my life is gone; To revive my dead spirits thou may'st prefer me, With the words of thy mouth to make or mar me. CEL. Sempronio, can I live with these bones, That thy master giveth me here for to eat? Words are but wind; therefore at once Bid him close his mouth, and to his purse get. For money maketh [the] merchant, that must jet.[48] I have heard his words, but where be his deeds? For without money with me nothing speeds. [_Aside_. CAL. What saith she, Sempronio? alas, my heart bleeds, That I with you, good woman, mistrust should be. SEM. Sir, she thinketh that money all thing feeds. CAL. Then come on, Sempronio, I pray thee, with me; And tarry here, mother, awhile, I pray thee; For where of mistrust ye have me appealed, Have here my cloak, till your doubt be assoiled. SEM. Now do ye well; for weeds among corn, Nor suspicions with friends, did never well. For[49] faithfulness of words turned to a scorn Maketh minds doubtful, good reason doth tell. CAL. Come on, Sempronio, thou givest me good counsel. SEM. Go ye before, and I shall wait you upon. Farewell, mother, we will come again anon. [_Exeunt_. PAR. How say ye, my lords? see ye not this smoke, In my master's eyes that they do cast? The one hath his chain, the other his cloak; And I am sure they will have all at last. Ensample may be by this that is passed, How servants be deceitful in their master's folly, Nothing but for lucre is all their bawdry. [_Aside_. CEL. It pleaseth me, Parmeno, that we together May speak, whereby thou may'st see I love thee, Yet undeserved[50] now thou comest hither; Whereof I care not; but virtue warneth me To flee temptation, and follow charity: To do good against ill, and so I read thee, Sempronio, and I will help thy necessities. And in token now that it shall so be, I pray thee among us let us have a song. For where harmony is, there is amity. PAR. What, an old woman sing? CEL. Why not among? I pray thee no longer the time prolong. PAR. Go to; when thou wilt, I am ready. CEL. Shall I begin? PAR. Yea, but take not too high. [_Cantant_. CEL. How say ye now by this, little young fool?[51] For the third part Sempronio we must get. After that thy master shall come to school To sing the fourth part, that his purse shall sweat; For I see craftly the song can set. Though thy master be hoarse, his purse shall sing clear, And taught to solf,[52] that woman's flesh is dear. How say'st to this, thou praty[53] Parmeno? Thou knowest not the world nor no delights therein: Dost understand me? in faith, I trow no, Thou art young enough the game to begin; Thy master hath waded himself so far in, And to bring him out lieth not in me, old poor-- PAR. Thou shouldst say it lieth not in me, old whore. CEL. Ah, whoreson, a shame take such a knave! How darest thou with me, thou boy, be so bold? PAR. Because such knowledge of thee I have. CEL. Why, who art? PAR. Parmeno, son to Albert the old; I dwelt with thee by the river, where wine was sold, And thy mother, I trow, hight Claudena. That a wild-fire bren thee, Celestina! CEL. But thy mother was as old a whore as I. Come hither, thou little fool, let me see thee: Ah, it is even he, by our blessed lady! What, little urchin, hast forgotten me? When thou layest at my bed's-feet, how merry were we! PAR. Ah, thou old matron,[54] it were alms thou were dead! How wouldest thou pluck me up to thy bed's head, And embrace me hard unto thy belly! And for thou smelled'st oldly, I ran from thee. CEL. A shameful whoreson! fie upon thee, fie, fie! Come hither, and now shortly I charge thee, That all this foolish speaking thou let be. Leave wantonness of youth; then shalt thou do well; Follow the doctrine of thy elders and counsel. To whom thy parents (on whose souls God have mercy!) In pain of cursing bade thee be obedient. In pain whereof, I command thee straitly, Too much in mastership put not thine intent: No trust is in them, if thine own be spent. Masters nowadays covet to bring about All for themselves, and let their servants go without. Thy master, men say, and as I think he be, But light care ich[55] not--who come to his service; Fair words shall not lack, but small rewards, trust me. Make Sempronio thy friend in any wise; For he can handle him in the best guise. Keep this, and for thy profit: tell it to none; But look that Sempronio and thou be one. PAR. Mother Celestine, I wot not what ye mean; Calisto is my master, and so I will take him, And as for riches I defy it clean; For whosoever with wrong rich doth make him, Sooner than he gat it, it will forsake him. I love to live in joyful poverty, And to serve my master with truth and honesty. CEL. Truth and honesty be riches of the name; But surety of wealth[56] is to have riches, And after that for to get him good fame. By report of friends, this is truth, doubtless; Then no such manner friend can I express As Sempronio, for both your profits to speed; Which lieth in my hands now, if ye be agreed. O Parmeno, what a life may we endure! Sempronio loveth the daughter of Eliso-- PAR. And who? Arusa? CEL. Likest her? PAR. Peradventure? CEL. I shall get her to thee, that shall I do. PAR. Nay, mother Celestine, I purpose not so. A man should be conversant, I hear tell, With them that be ill, and think to do well. Sempronio, his ensample shall not make me Better nor worse; nor his faults will I hide; But, mother Celestine, a question to thee-- Is not sin anon in one espied? That is drowned in delight, how should he provide Against virtue to save his honesty? CEL. Like a child without wisdom thou answerest me. Without company mirth can have none estate: Use no sloth; nature abhorreth idleness, Which leseth delight to nature appropriate. In sensual causes delight is chief mistress; Specially recounting love's business. To say thus doth she: the time thus they pass, And such manner they use, and thus they kiss and bass; And thus they meet and embrace together. What speech, what grace, what plays is between them! Where is she? there she goeth; let us see whither: Now pleased, now froward; now mum, now hem! Strike up, minstrel, with saws of love, the old problem. Sing sweet songs; now jousts and tourney. Of new inventions what conceits find they? Now she goeth to mass; to-morrow she cometh out. Behold her better; yonder goeth a cuckold. I left her alone: she cometh: turn about!-- Lo thus, Parmeno, thou mayest behold Friends will talk together, as I have told. Wherefore perceive thou, that I say truly, Never can be delight without company.