Chapter 19

Why, Thersites, hast thou any wit in thy head? Wouldst thou have a sallet now? all the herbs are dead! Beside that it is not meet for a smith To gather herbs and sallets to meddle with. Go get thee to my lover Venus, She hath sallets enough for all us: I eat none such sallets, for now I wax old, And for my stomach they are very cold.

THERSITES.

Now I pray to Jupiter, that thou die a cuckold! I mean a sallet, with which men do fight.

MULCIBER.

It is a small tasting of a man's might, That he should for any matter Fight with a few herbs in a platter: No great laud should follow that victory.

THERSITES.

God's passion, Mulciber, where is thy wit and memory? I would have a sallet made of steel.

MULCIBER.

Why, sir, in your stomach long you shall it feel, For steel is hard for to digest.

THERSITES.

Man's bones and sides, he is worse than a beast! I would have a sallet to wear on my head, Which under my chin with a thong red Buckled shall be: Dost thou yet perceive me?

MULCIBER.

Your mind now I see: Why, thou peevish lad, Art thou almost mad, Or well in thy wit? Get thee a wallet: Would thou have a sallet? What wouldst thou do with it?

THERSITES.

I pray thee, good Mulciber, make no mo bones, But let me have a sallet made at once.

MULCIBER.

I must do somewhat for this knave; [_Aside_. What manner of sallet, sir, would ye have?

THERSITES.

I would have such a one, that nother might nor main Should pierce it through, or part it in twain; Which nother gunstone nor sharp spear Should be able other to hurt or tear. I would have it also for to save my head, If Jupiter himself would have me dead; And if he in a fume would cast at me his fire, This sallet I would have to keep me from his ire.

MULCIBER.

I perceive your mind. Ye shall find me kind; I will for you prepare:--

[_And then he goeth into his shop, and maketh a sallet for him; at the last he saith_:

Here, Thersites, do this sallet wear, And on thy head it bear; And none shall work thee care.

[_Then Mulciber goeth into his shop, until he is called again_.

THERSITES.

Now would I not fear with any bull to fight, Or with a ramping lion, nother by day nor night. Oh, what great strength is in my body so lusty, Which for lack of exercise is now almost rusty. Hercules in comparison to me was but a boy, When the bandog Cerberus from hell he bare away: When he killed the lion, hydra, and the boar[576] so wild. Compare him to me, and he was but a child! Why, Samson, I say, hast thou no more wit? Wouldst thou be as strong as I? come, suck thy mother's teat! Ween you that David, that little elfish boy, Should with his sling have take my life away? Nay, i-wis, Goliath, for all his five stones, I would have quashed his little boyish bones. Oh, how it would do my heart much good To see some of the giants before Noe's flood! I would make the knaves to cry crik,[577] Or else with my club their brains I will break But, Mulciber, yet I have not with thee do: My head is armed, my neck I would have too; And also my shoulders with some good habergin, That the devil, if he shot at me, could not enter in. For I am determined great battle to make, Except my fumishness by some means may aslake.

MULCIBER.

Buckle on this habergin, as fast as thou can, And fear for the meeting of nother beast nor man. If it were possible for one to shoot an oak, This habergin will defend thee from the stroke. Let them throw milestones at thee as thick as hail, Yet thee to kill they shall [of] their purpose fail. If Malvern Hills should on thy shoulders light, They shall not hurt them, nor suppress thy might. If Bevis of Hampton, Colburn, and Guy, Will thee assay, set not by them a fly! To be brief, this habergin shall thee save Both by land and water; now play the lusty knave. [_Then he goeth into his shop again_.

THERSITES.

When I consider my shoulders, that so broad be, When the other parts of my body I do behold, I verily think that none in Christian'ty With me to meddle dare be so bold. Now have at the lions on Cots'old![578] I will neither spare for heat nor for cold. Where art thou, King Arthur and the knights of the Round Table? Come, bring forth your horses out of the stable! Lo, with me to meet they be not able: By the mass, they had rather wear a bable. Where art thou, Gawain the courteous and Kay the crabbed? Here be a couple of knights cowardish and scabbed! Appear in thy likeness, Sir Libeus Disconius,[579] If thou wilt have my club light on thy _headibus_. Lo, ye may see he beareth not the face With me to try a blow in this place. How, sirrah, approach, Sir Launcelot de Lake, What, renne ye away, and for fear quake? Now he that did thee a knight make Thought never that thou any battle shouldst take. If thou wilt not come thyself, some other of thy fellows send: To battle I provoke them; themselves let them defend. Lo, for all the good that ever they see, They will not once set hand to fight with me. O good Lord, how broad is my breast And strong withal, for whole is my chest. He that should meddle with me should have shrewd rest. Behold you my hands, my legs, and my feet; Every part is strong, proportionable, and meet. Think you that I am not fear'd in field and street? Yes, yes, God wot, they give me the wall, Or else with my club I make them to fall. Back, knaves, I say to them, then for fear they quake; And take me then to the tavern, and good cheer me make. The proctor and his men I made to renne their ways, And some went to hide them in broken hays.[580] I tell you at a word, I set not a turd By none of them all: Early and late I will walk, And London streets stalk, Spite of them great and small: For I think verily, That none in heaven so high, Nor yet in hell so low, While I have this club in my hand, Can he able me to withstand, Or me to overthrow. But, Mulciber, yet I must thee desire To make me briggen[581] irons for mine arms, And then I will love thee as mine own sire; For without them I cannot be safe from all harms. Those once had, I will not set a straw By all the world, for then I will by awe Have all my mind, or else, by the holy rood, I will make them think the devil carrieth them to the wood.[582] If no man will with me battle take, A voyage to hell quickly I will make, And there I will beat the devil and his dame, And bring the souls away: I fully intend the same. After that in hell I have ruffled so, Straight to old Purgatory will I go. I will clean that, [and] so purge [it] round about, That we shall need no pardons to help them out. If I have not fight enough this ways, I will climb to heaven and fet away Peter's keys; I will keep them myself and let in a great rout; What, should such a fisher keep good fellows out?

MULCIBER.

Have here, Thersites, briggen irons bright, And fear thou no man manly to fight; Though he be stronger than Hercules or Samson, Be thou prest and bold to set him upon. Nother Amazon nor Xerxes with their whole rabble Thee to assail shall find it profitable. I warrant thee they will flee from thy face, As doth an hare from the dogs in a chace. Would not thy black and rusty grim beard, Now thou art so armed, make any man afeard? Surely, if Jupiter did see thee in this gear, He would renne away, and hide him for fear! He would think that Typhaeus the giant were alive, And his brother Enceladus, again with him to strive. If that Mars, of battle the god stout and bold, In this array should chance thee to behold, He would yield up his sword unto thee, And god of battle (he would say) thou shouldst be. Now fare thou well, go the world through, And seek adventures, thou art man good enou'.

THERSITES.

Mulciber, while the stars shall shine in the sky, And Phaeton's horses with the sun's chariot shall fly; While the morning shall go before noon, And cause the darkness to vanish away soon: While that the cat shall love well milk, And while that women shall love to go in silk: While beggars have lice, And cockneys are nice: While pardoners can lie, Merchants can buy, And children cry: While all these last, and more, Which I keep in store, I do me faithfully bind Thy kindness to bear in mind. But yet, Mulciber, one thing I ask more: Hast thou ever a sword now in store? I would have such a one that would cut stones, And pare a great oak down at once. That were a sword, lo, even for the nonce.

MULCIBER.

Truly I have such a one in my shop, That will pare iron, as it were a rope. Have, here it is, gird it to thy side: Now fare thou well, Jupiter be thy guide!

THERSITES.

Gramercy, Mulciber, with my whole heart Give me thy hand, and let us depart.[583]

[_Mulciber goeth into his shop again, and Thersites saith forth_:

Now I go hence, and put myself in prease:[584] I will seek adventures; yea, and that I will not cease. If there be any present here this night, That will take upon them with me to fight, Let them come quickly, and the battle shall be pight. Where is Cacus, that knave not worth a groat, That was wont to blow clouds out of his throat; Which stole Hercules kine, and hid them in his cave? Come hither, Cacus, thou lubber and false knave: I will teach all wretches by thee to beware! If thou come hither, I trap thee in a snare; Thou shalt have knocked bread and ill-fare. How say you, good godfather, that look so stale, Ye seem a man to be born in the vale? Dare ye adventure with me a stripe or two? Go, coward, go, hide thee as thou wast wont to do! What a sort of dastards have we here! None of you to battle with me dare appear. What say you, heart of gold, of countenance so demure? Will you fight with me? no, I am right sure. Fye, blush not, woman, I will do you no harm, Except I had you sooner to keep my back warm. Alas, little pums, why are ye so sore afraid? I pray you show how long it is, since ye were a maid? Tell me in mine ear; sirs, she hath me told That gone was her maidenhead at thrusteen[585] year old! By lady, she was loth to keep it too long: _And I were a maid again_[586] now may be here song.[587] Do after my counsel of maidens the whole bevy, Quickly rid your maidenheads, for they are vengeance heavy, Well, let all go: why, will none come in With me to fight, that I may pare his skin?

[_The Mater cometh in_.

MATER

What say you, my son, will ye fight? God it defend! For what cause to war do you now pretend? Will ye commit to battles dangerous Your life that is to me so precious?

THERSITES.

I will go, I will go; stop not my way! Hold me not, good mother, I heartily you pray. If there be any lions or other wild beast, That will not suffer the husbandman in rest, I will go seech them, and bid them to a feast: They shall aby bitterly the coming of such a guest. I will search for them both in bush and shrub, And lay on a load with this lusty club.

MATER.

O my sweet son, I am thy mother; Wilt thou kill me, and thou hast none other?

THERSITES.

No, mother, no, I am not of such iniquity, That I will defile my hands upon thee. But be content, mother, for I will not rest Till I have fought with some man or wild beast.

MATER.

Truly, my son, if that ye take this way, This shall be the conclusion, mark what I shall say. Other I will drown myself for sorrow, And feed fishes with my body before to-morrow, Or with a sharp sword surely I will me kill: Now thou mayst save me, if it be thy will. I will also cut my paps away, That gave thee suck so many a day; And so in all the world it shall be known, That by my own son I was overthrown. Therefore, if my life be to thee pleasant, That which I desire, good son, do me grant.

THERSITES.

Mother, thou spendest thy wind but in waste; The goddess of battle her fury on me hath cast. I am fully fixed battle for to taste: Oh, how many to death I shall drive in haste! I will ruffle this club about my head, Or else I pray God I never die in my bed. There shall never a stroke be stroken with my hand, But they shall think that Jupiter doth thunder in the land.

MATER.

My own sweet son, I, kneeling on my knee, And both my hands holding up to thee, Desire thee to cease, and no battle make: Call to thee patience, and better ways take.

THERSITES.

Tush, mother, I am deaf; I will thee not hear. No, no, if Jupiter here himself now were, And all the gods, and Juno his wife, And loving Minerva that abhorreth all strife: If all these, I say, would desire me to be content, They did their wind but in vain spent;[588] I will have battle in Wales or in Kent, And some of the knaves I will all-to rent.[589] Where is the valiant knight, Sir Isenbras? Appear, sir, I pray you, dare ye not show your face? Where is Robin John and Little Hood?[590] Approach hither quickly, if ye think it good; I will teach such outlaws with Christ's curses, How they take hereafter away abbots' purses. Why, will no adventure appear in this place? Where is Hercules with his great mace? Where is Busiris, that fed his horses Full like a tyrant with dead men's corses?[591] Come, any of you both, And I make an oath, That ere I eat any bread, I will drive a wain, Yea, for need twain, Between your body and your head. This[592] passeth my brains; Will none take the pains To try with me a blow? Oh, what a fellow am I, Whom every man doth fly, That doth me but once know!

MATER.

Son, all do you fear, That be present here; They will not with you fight. You, as you be worthy, Have now the victory Without tasting of your might. Here is none, I trow, That proffereth you a blow: Man, woman, nor child. Do not set your mind To fight with the wind: Be not so mad nor wild.

THERSITES.

I say, arise, whosoever will fight: I am to battle here ready-dight. Come hither, other swain or knight; Let me see who dare present him to my sight! Here with my club ready I stand, If any will come to take them in hand.

MATER.

There is no hope left in my breast To bring my son into better rest: He will do nothing at my request; He regardeth me no more than a beast. I see no remedy; but still I will pray To God my son to guide in his way; That he may have a prosperous journeying, And to be safe at his returning. Son, God above grant this my oration That, when in battle thou shalt have concertation With your enemies, other far or near, No wound in them nor in you may appear, So that ye nother kill nor be killed.

THERSITES.

Mother, thy petition, I pray God, be fulfilled, For then no knaves' blood shall be spilled. Fellows, keep my counsel; by the mass, I do but crake:[593] I will be gentle enough, and no business make. But yet I will make her believe that I am a man-- Think you that I will fight? no, no, but with the can. Except I find my enemy on this wise, That he be asleep, or else cannot arise. If his arms and his feet be not fast bound, I will not proffer a stripe for a thousand pound. Farewell, mother, and tarry here no longer, For after prowess of chivalry I do both thirst and hunger: I will beat the knaves as flat as a conger.

[_Then the mother goeth in the place which is prepared for her_.

What, how long shall I tarry; be your hearts in your hose? Will there none of you in battle me oppose? Come, prove me, why stand you so in doubt? Have you any wild blood that ye would have let out? Alack, that a man's strength cannot be knowen, Because that he lacketh enemies to be overthrowen!

[_Here a snail must appear unto him, and he must look fearfully upon the snail, saying_:

But what a monster do I see now,[594] Coming hitherward with an armed brow! What is it? ah, it is a sow! No, by God's body, it is but a gristle, And on the back it hath never a bristle. It is not a cow--ah, there I fail: For then it should have a long tail. What the devil, I was blind! it is but a snail: I was never so afraid in east nor in south; My heart at the first sight was at my mouth. Marry, sir, fy, fy, fy, I do sweat for fear: I thought I had craked but too timely here. Hence, thou beast, and pluck in thy horns, Or I swear by him that crowned was with thorns, I will make thee drink worse than good ale in the corns. Hast thou nothing else to do, But come with horns and face me so? How, how, my servants, get you shield and spear, And let us worry and kill this monster here. [_Here Miles cometh in_.

MILES.

Is not this a worthy knight, That with a snail dareth not fight, Except he have his servants' aid? Is this the champion that maketh all men afraid? I am a poor soldier come of late from Calais, I trust, ere I go, to debate some of his malice. I will tarry my time, till I do see Betwixt him and the snail what the end will be.

THERSITES.

Why, ye whoreson knaves, regard ye not my calling? Why do ye not come, and with you weapons bring? Why shall this monster so escape killing? No, that he shall not, and God be willing.

MILES.

I promise you this is as worthy a knight, As ever shall bread out of a bottle bite. I think he be Dares, of whom Virgil doth write, That would not let Entellus alone, But ever provoked and ever called on, But yet at the last he took a fall, And so within a while I trow I make thee[595] shall.

THERSITES.

By God's passion, knaves, if I come, I will you fetter: Regard ye my calling and crying no better? Why, whoresons, I say, will ye not come? By the mass, the knaves be all from home: They had better have fet me an errand at Rome.

MILES.

By my troth, I think that very scant This lubber dare adventure to fight with an ant.

THERSITES.

Well, seeing my servants come to me will not, I must take heed that this monster me spill not; I will jeopard with it a joint, And other with my club or my sword's point I will reach it such wounds, As I would not have for forty thousand pounds. Pluck in thy horns, thou unhappy beast; What, facest thou me? wilt not thou be in rest? Why, will not thou thy horns in hold? Thinkest thou that I am a cuckold? God's arms, the monster cometh toward me still, Except I fight manfully, it will me surely kill!

[_Then he must fight against the snail with his club_.

MILES.

O Jupiter Lord, dost thou not see and hear, How he feareth the snail, as it were a bear!

THERSITES.

Well, with my club I have had good luck; Now with my sword have at thee a pluck!

[_And he must cast his club away_.

I will make thee, ere I go, for to duck, And thou were as tall a man as Friar Tuck. I say yet again, thy horns in draw, Or else I will make thee to have wounds raw. Art thou not afeard To have thy beard Pared with my sword?

[_Here he must fight then with his sword against the snail, and the snail draweth her horns in_.

Ah well, now no more: Thou mightest have done so before. I laid at it so sore, That it thought it should have be lore[596] And it had not drawn in his horns again, Surely I would the monster have slain. But now, farewell, I will work thee no more pain. Now my fume is past, And doth no longer last, That I did to the monster cast. Now in other countries both far and near Mo deeds of chivalry I will go inquire.

MILES.

Thou needst not seek any further, for ready I am here: I will debate anon, I trow, thy bragging cheer.

THERSITES. [_Not hearing him_. Now where is any mo that will me assail? I will turn him and toss him, both top and tail; If he be stronger than Samson was, Who with his bare hands killed lions apace.

MILES.

What needeth this boast? I am here at hand, That with thee will fight; keep thy head, and stand! Surely for all thy high words I will not fear To assay thee a touch, till some blood appear; I will give thee somewhat for the gift of a new year.

[_And he beginneth to fight with him, but Thersites must run away, and hide him behind his mother's back, saying_:

THERSITES.

O mother, mother, I pray thee me hide: Throw something over me, and cover me every side.

MATER.

O my son, what thing eldeth[597] thee?

THERSITES.

Mother, a thousand horsemen do persecute me.

MATER.

Marry, son, then it was time to fly; I blame thee not, then, though afraid thou be. A deadly wound thou mightst there soon catch: One against so many is no indifferent[598] match.

THERSITES.

No, mother, but if they had been but ten to one, I would not have avoided, but set them upon; But seeing they be so many, I ran away. Hide me, mother, hide me, I heartily thee pray. For if they come hither, and here me find, To their horses' tails they will be bind, And after that fashion hale me, and kill me; And though I were never so bold and stout, To fight against so many I should stand in doubt.

MILES.

Thou that dost seek giants to conquer, Come forth, if thou dare, and in this place appear. Fie for shame, dost thou so soon take flight! Come forth, and show somewhat of thy might.

THERSITES.

Hide me, mother, hide me, and never word say--

MILES.

Thou old trot, seest thou any man come this way, Well-armed and weaponed, and ready to fight?

MATER.

No, forsooth, master, there came none in my sight.

MILES.

He did avoid in time, for without doubts I would have set on his back some clouts; If I may take him, I will make all slouches To beware by him, that they come not in my clutches.

[_Then he goeth out, and the mother saith_:

MATER.

Come forth, my son, your enemy is gone: Be not afraid, for hurt thou canst have none.

[_Then he looketh about, if he be gone or not; at the last he saith_:

THERSITES.

I-wis, thou didst wisely, whosoever thou be, To tarry no longer to fight with me; For with my club I would have broken thy skull, If thou were as big as Hercules' bull. Why, thou cowardly knave, no stronger than a duck, Barest thou try masteries with me a-pluck. Which fear nother giants nor Jupiter's fire-bolt, Nor Belzebub the master-devil, as ragged as a colt? I would thou wouldst come hither once again: I think thou hadst rather alive to be flayn. Come again, and I swear by my mother's womb, I will pull thee in pieces no more than my thumb; And thy brains abroad I will so scatter, That all knaves shall fear against me to clatter.

[_Then cometh in Telemachus, bringing a letter from his father Ulysses, and Thersites saith_:

What, little Telemachus! What makest thou here among us?

TELEMACHUS.

Sir, my father Ulysses doth him commend To you most heartily, and here he hath you send Of his mind a letter, Which show you better Everything shall, Than I can make rehearsal. [_Here he must deliver him the letter_.

THERSITES.