Chapter 17

'POTHECARY. Do women buy their pincases of you?

PEDLAR. Yea, that they do, I make God a vow.

'POTHECARY. So mot I thrive then for my part, I beshrew thy knave's naked heart, For making my wife's pincase so wide, The pins fall out, they cannot abide: Great pins she must have, one or other; If she lose one, she will find another. Wherein I find cause to complain: New pins to her pleasure and to my pain!

PARDONER. Sir, ye seem well-seen in women's causes! I pray you tell me what causeth this: That women, after their arising,[410] Be so long in their apparelling?

PEDLAR. Forsooth, women have many lets, And they be masked in many nets: As frontlets,[411] fillets, partlets,[412] and bracelets; And then their bonnets and their poignets:[413] By these lets and nets the let is such, That speed is small when haste is much.

'POTHECARY. Another cause why they come not forward, Which maketh them daily to draw backward; And yet[414] is a thing they cannot forbear; The trimming and pinning up their gear; Specially their fiddling with the tail-pin; And when they would have it pricked[415] in, If it chance to double in the cloth, Then be they[416] wood[417], and sweareth[418] an oath. Till it stand right they will not forsake it, Thus though it may not, yet would[419] they make it. But be ye sure they do but defer it; For when they would make it, oft times mar it. But prick them and pin them as nice[420] as ye will, And yet will they look for pinning still. So that I durst hold with you a joint, Ye shall never have them at a full[421] point.

PEDLAR. Let women's matters pass, and mark mine: Whatever their points be, these points be fine. Wherefore, if ye be willing to buy, Lay down money, come, off[422] quickly.

PALMER. Nay, by my troth, we be like friars; We are but beggars, we be no buyers.

PARDONER. Sir, ye may show your ware for your mind. But I think ye shall no profit find.

PEDLAR. Well, though this journey acquit no cost, Yet think I not my labour lost: For, by the faith of my body, I like full well this company. Up shall this pack, for it is plain I came not hither all for gain. Who may not play one day in a week, May think his thrift is far to seek. Devise what pastime that ye think best, And make ye sure to find me prest.[423]

'POTHECARY. Why, be ye so universal, That ye can do whatsoever ye shall?

PEDLAR. Sir, if ye list for to oppose me, What I can do, then shall you see.

'POTHECARY. Then tell me this: are you perfit in drinking?

PEDLAR. Perfit in drinking? as may be wished by thinking.

'POTHECARY. Then, after your drinking, how fall ye to winking?

PEDLAR. Sir, after drinking, while the shot[424] is tinking; Some heads be swimming,[425] but mine will be sinking, And upon drinking my eyes will be pinking: For winking to drinking is alway linking.

'POTHECARY. Then drink and sleep you can well do; But if ye were desired thereto, I pray you tell me, can you sing?

PEDLAR. Sir, I have some sight in singing.

'POTHECARY. But is your breast[426] any thing sweet?

PEDLAR. Whatever my breast be, my voice is meet.

'POTHECARY. That answer showeth you a right singing man. Now what is your will, good father, then?

PALMER. What helpeth will, where is no skill?

PARDONER. And what helpeth skill, where is no will[427]!

'POTHECARY. For will or skill, what helpeth it, Where forward knave be lacking wit[428]? Leave off this curiosity. And who that list, sing after me. [_Here they sing_.

PEDLAR. This liketh me well, so mot I the.

PARDONER. So help me God, it liketh not me. Where company is met and well agreed, Good pastime doth right well indeed. But who can sit in daliance, Men sit in such a variance? As we were set, ere[429] ye came in, Which strife this man did first begin; Alleging that such men as use For love of God, and not[430] refuse On foot to go from place to place A pilgrimage, calling for grace, Shall in that pain with penitence Obtain discharge of conscience: Comparing that life for the best Induction to your endless rest. Upon these words[431] our matter grew: For if he could avow them true, As good to be a gardener. As for to be a pardoner. But when I heard him so far wide, I then approached and replied: Saying this, that this[432] indulgence, Having the foresaid penitence, Dischargeth man of all offence With much more profit than this pretence. I ask but twopence at the most; I-wis this is not very great cost, And from[433] all pain without despair, My soul for to keep[434] even in his chair, And when he dieth, he may be sure To come to heaven even at pleasure. And more than heaven he cannot[435] get, How far soever he list to jet. Then is his pain more than his wit, To walk[436] to heaven, since he may sit. Sir, as we were in this contention, In came this daw with his invention; Reviling us, himself avaunting, That all the souls to heaven ascending Are most bound to the 'pothecary, Because he helpeth most men to die, Before which death he saith indeed, No soul in heaven can have his mede.

PEDLAR. Why, do 'pothecaries kill men?

'POTHECARY. By God, men say so, now and then.

PEDLAR. And I thought ye would not have mit To make them live as long as ye list.

'POTHECARY. As long as we list? nay, as long as they can.

PEDLAR. So might we live without you then.

'POTHECARY. Yea, but yet it is[437] necessary For to have a 'pothecary: For when ye feel your conscience ready, I can send you to heaven[438] quickly. Wherefore, concerning our matter here, Above these twain I am best clear; And if ye[439] list to take me so, I am content: you and no mo Shall be our judge as in this case, Which of us three shall take the best place.

PEDLAR. I neither will judge thee best nor worst; For be ye blest or be ye curst, Ye know it is no whit my sleight To be a judge in matters of weight. It behoveth no pedlars nor proctors To take on them judgment as doctors: But if your minds be only set To work for soul-health, ye be well met: For each of you somewhat doth show, That souls toward heaven by you do grow. Then if ye can so well agree, To continue together all three; And all you three obey one will, Then all your minds ye may fulfil. As if ye came all to one man, Who should go pilgrimage[440] more than he can? In that ye, Palmer, as deputy,[441] May clearly discharge him, parde; And for all other sins once had contrition, Your pardons giveth him full remission. And then ye, Master 'Pothecary, May send him to heaven by and by.

'POTHECARY. If he taste this box nigh about the prime, By the mass, he is in heaven ere evensong time. My craft is such, that I can right well Send my friends to heaven and myself to hell. But, sirs, mark this man, for he is wise, Who[442] could devise such a device: For if we three may be as one, Then be we[443] lords everychone; Between us all could not be mist To save the souls of whom we list. But for good order, at a word, Twain of us must wait on the third.

'POTHECARY. And unto that I do agree, For both you twain shall wait on me.[444]

PARDONER. What chance is this, that such an elf Command two knaves beside himself? Nay, nay, my friend, that will not be; I am too good to wait on thee.

PALMER. By our lady, and I would be loth To wait on the better of you both.

PEDLAR. Yet be ye sure for all this doubt, This waiting must be brought about. Men cannot prosper, wilfufly led; All things decay,[445] where is no head. Wherefore, doubtless, mark what I say, To one of you three twain must obey. And since ye cannot agree in voice, Who shall be head, there is no choice But to devise some manner thing, Wherein ye all be like conning; And in the same who can do best, The other twain do make them prest, In every thing of his intent, Wholly[446] to be at commandment. And now have I found one mastery,[447] That ye can do indifferently; And is nother selling nor buying, But even on very lying. And all ye three can lie as well, As can the falsest devil in hell. And though afore ye heard me grudge In greater matters to be your judge, Yet in lying I can some skill,[448] And if I shall be judge, I will And be you sure, without flattery, Where my conscience findeth the mastery, There shall my judgment straight be found, Though I might win a thousand pound.

PALMER. Sir, for lying, though I can do it: Yet am I both for to go to it.

PEDLAR. Ye have no[449] cause for fear, be bold,[450] For ye may here[451] lie uncontrolled. And ye in this have good advantage, For lying is your common usage. And you in lying be well sped, For all your craft doth stand in falsehood. Ye need not care who shall begin; For each of you may hope to win. Now speak all three even as ye find: Be ye agreed to follow my mind?

PALMER. Yea, by my troth, I am content.

PARDONER. Now, in good faith, and I assent.

'POTHECARY. If I denied, I were a noddy; For all is mine, by God's body, [_Here the 'Pothecary hoppeth_.

PALMER. Here were a hopper to hop for the ring! But, sir,[452] this gear goeth not by hopping.

'POTHECARY. Sir, in this hopping I will hop so well, That my tongue shall hop better[453] than my heel: Upon which hopping I hope, and not doubt it, To hop[454] so, that ye shall hop[455] without it.[456]

PALMER. Sir, I will neither boast ne brawl. But take such fortune as may fall: And if ye win this mastery, I will obey you quietly: And sure I think that quietness In any man is great riches In any manner company, To rule or be ruled[457] indifferently.

PARDONER. By that boast thou seemest a beggar indeed, What can thy quietness help us at need? If we should starve, thou hast not, I think, One penny to buy us one pot of drink. Nay, if riches might rule the roost, Behold what cause I have to boast! Lo, here be[458] pardons half a dozen, For ghostly riches they have no cousin. And moreover to me they bring Sufficient succour for my living. And here be[459] relics of such a kind, As in this world no man can[460] find, Kneel down all three, and when ye leave kissing, Who list to offer shall have my blessing. Friends, here shall ye see even anon Of All-Hallows the blessed jaw-bone,[461] Kiss it hardily with good devotion.

'POTHECARY. This kiss shall bring us much promotion. Foh, by St Saviour, I never kissed a worse; Ye were as good kiss All-Hallows' arse; For, by All-Hallows, yet me-thinketh, That All-Hallows' breath stinketh.

PALMER. Ye judge All-Hallows' breath unknown: If any breath stink, it is your own.

'POTHECARY. I know mine own breath from All-Hallows, Or else it were time to kiss the gallows.

PARDONER. Nay, sirs, behold, here may ye see The great toe of the Trinity: Who to this toe any money voweth, And once may roll it in his mouth, All his life after, I undertake, He shall never be vexed with the toothache.[462]

'POTHECARY. I pray you turn that relic about: Either[463] the Trinity had the gout, Or else, because it is three toes in one, God made it as much[464] as three toes alone.

PARDONER. Well, let that pass, and look upon this. Here is a relic that doth not miss To help the least as well as the most: This is a buttock-bone of Pentecost.

'POTHECARY. By Christ, and yet for all your boast, This relic hath beshitten the roast.

PARDONER. Mark well this relic: here is a whipper, My friends[465] unfeigned: here[466] is a slipper Of one of the Seven Sleepers, be sure.[467] Doubtless this kiss shall do you great pleasure; For all these two days it shall so ease you, That none other savours shall displease you.

'POTHECARY. All these two days! nay, all these[468] two years; For all the savours that may come here Can be no worse; for at a word One of the seven sleepers trod in a turd.

PEDLAR. Sir, me-thinketh your devotion is but small.

PARDONER. Small! marry me-thinketh he hath none at all.

'POTHECARY. What the devil care I what ye think? Shall I praise relics, when they stink?

PARDONER. Here is an eye-tooth of the Great Turk. Whose eyes be once set on this piece of work, May happily lese part of his eyesight, But not till he be blind outright.

'POTHECARY. Whatsoever any other man seeth, I have no devotion unto[469] Turks' teeth: For although I never saw a greater, Yet me-thinketh I have seen many better.

PARDONER. Here is a box full of humble bees, That stang Eve as she sat on her knees, Tasting the fruit to her forbidden. Who kisseth the bees within this hidden, Shall have as much pardon of right, As for any relic he kissed this night.

PALMER. Sir, I will kiss them with all my heart.

'POTHECARY. Kiss them again, and take my part, For I am not worthy: nay, let be: Those bees that stung Eve shall not sting me.

PARDONER. Good friends, I have yet here[470] in this glass, Which on the drink at the wedding was Of Adam and Eve undoubtedly. If ye honour this relic devoutly, Although ye thirst no whit the less, Yet shall ye drink the more, doubtless: After which drinking ye shall be as meet To stand on your head as on your feet.

'POTHECARY. Yea, marry, now I can[471] you thank;[472] In presence of this--the rest be blank. Would God this relic had come rather:[473] Kiss that relic well, good father. Such is the pain that ye palmers take To kiss the pardon-bowl for the drink sake. O holy yeast, that looketh full sour and stale, For God's body, help me to a cup of ale. The more I behold[474] thee, the more I thirst: The oftener I kiss thee, the more like to burst. But since I kiss thee so devoutly, Hire me,[475] and help me with drink, till I die. What, so much praying and so little speed?

PARDONER. Yea, for God knoweth when it is need To send folks drink; but, by St Anthony, I ween he hath sent you too much already.

'POTHECARY. If I have never the more for thee, Then be thy relics no riches to me; Nor to thyself, except they be More beneficial than I can see. Richer is one box of this triacle,[476] Than all thy relics, that do no miracle. If thou hadst prayed but half so much to me, As I have prayed to thy relics and thee, Nothing concerning mine occupation, But straight should have wrought one[477] operation: And as in value I pass you an ace, So here lieth much richness in little space. I have a box of rhubarb here, Which is as dainty as it is dear. So[478] help me God and halidom, Of this I would not give a dram To the best friend I have in England's ground, Though he would give me twenty pound. For though the stomach do it abhor, It purgeth you clean from the choler; And maketh your stomach sore to walter, That ye shall never come to the halter.

PEDLAR. Then is that medicine a sovereign thing To preserve a man from hanging.

'POTHECARY. If ye will taste but this crumb that ye see, If ever ye be hanged, never trust me. Here have I _diapompholicus_, A special ointment, as doctors discuss, For a fistula or for a canker: This ointment is even shot-anchor;[479] For this medicine[480] helpeth one and other, Or bringeth them in case that they need no other. Here is a _syrapus de Byzansis_, A little thing is enough of this; For even the weight of one scruple Shall[481] make you as strong as a cripple. Here are others, as _diosfialios, Diagalanga_ and _sticados, Blanka, manna, diospoliticon_, Mercury sublime and _metridaticon_, Pellitory and arsefetita; Cassy and _colloquintita_. These be[482] the things that break all strife Between man's sickness and his life. From all pain these shall you deliver, And set you even at rest for ever. Here is a medicine no mo like the same, Which commonly is called thus by name _Alikakabus_ or _Alkakengy_, A goodly thing for dogs that be[483] mangy. Such be these medicines, that I can Help a dog as well as a man. Not one thing here particularly, But worketh universally; For it doth me as much good, when I sell it, As all the buyers that taste it or smell it. Now since my medicines be so special, And in one operation so general, And ready to work whensoever they shall, So that in riches I am principal; If any reward may entreat ye, I beseech your maship be good to[484] me, And ye shall have a box of marmalade, So fine that you may dig it with a spade.

PEDLAR. Sir, I thank you; but your reward Is not the thing that I regard: I must and will be indifferent; Wherefore proceed in your intent.

'POTHECARY. Now if I wist this wish no sin, I would to God I might begin.

'PARDONER. I am content that thou lie first.

PALMER. Even so am I; now[485] say thy worst. Now let us hear, of all thy lies, The greatest lie thou mayst devise. And in the fewest words thou can.

'POTHECARY. Forsooth, ye be[486] an honest man.

PEDLAR. There said ye much, but yet no lie.

PARDONER. Now lie ye both, by Our Lady. Thou liest in boast of his honesty, And he hath lied in affirming thee.

'POTHECARY. If we both he, and ye say true, Then of these lies your part adieu! And if ye win, make none avaunt, For you are sure of one ill servant. You may perceive by the words he gave, He taketh your maship[487] but for knave. But who told truth[488] or lied indeed, That will I know, ere[489] we proceed. Sir, after that I first began To praise you for an honest man, When ye affirmed it for no lie:[490] Now, by your[491] faith, speak even truly; Thought ye your affirmation true?

PALMER. Yea, marry, for I would ye knew, I think myself an honest man.

'POTHECARY. What thought ye in the contrary then?

PARDONER. In that I said the contrary, I think from truth I did not vary.

'POTHECARY. And what of my words?

PARDONER. I thought ye lied.

'POTHECARY. And so thought I, by God that died. Now have you twain each for himself laid, That none[492] hath lied, but both true said: And of us twain none hath denied, But both affirmed that I have lied. Now since both ye[493] the truth confess, How that I lied, do bear witness, That twain of us may soon agree,[494] And that the lier the winner must be, Who could provide such evidence, As I have done in this pretence? Me-thinketh this matter sufficient To cause you to give judgment; And to give me the mastery, For ye perceive these knaves cannot lie.

PALMER. Though nother[495] of us yet had lied, Yet what we can do is untried; For as yet we have devised nothing, But answered you and given you hearing.

PEDLAR. Therefore I have devised one way, Whereby all three your minds may say, For each of you one tale shall tell, And which of you telleth most marvèl, And most unlikest[496] to be true, Shall most prevail, whatever ensue.

'POTHECARY. If ye be set on marvelling, Then shall ye hear a marvellous thing. And though, indeed, all be not true, Yet sure the most part shall be new. I did a cure no longer ago, But in _anno domini millesimo_, On a woman young and so fair, That never have I seen a gayer. God save all women of[497] that likeness. This wanton had the falling sickness, Which by descent came lineally, For her mother had it naturally: Wherefore this woman to recure, It was more hard, ye may be sure. But though I boast my craft is such, That in such things I can do much: How oft she fell were much to report; But her head so giddy, and her belly so short, That, with the twinkling of an eye, Down would she fall even by and by. But ere[498] she would arise again, I showed much practice much to my pain. For the tallest man within this town Could[499] not with ease have broken her swoon. Although for life I did not doubt her, Yet I did take more pains[500] about her, Than I would take with my own sister. Sir, at the last I gave her a glister: I thrust a tampion in her tewell,[501] And bade her keep it for a jewel; But I knew there[502] it was too heavy to carry, That I sure was it would not tarry: For where gunpowder is once fired, The tampion will no lenger be hired: Which was well seen in time of this chance, For when I had charged this ordnance, Suddenly, as it had thundered, Even at a clap loosed her bombard.[503] Now mark, for here beginneth the revel: This tampion flew ten long mile level, To a fair castle of lime and stone, For strength I know not such a one, Which stood upon a hill full high, At foot whereof a river ran by, So deep, till chance had it forbidden, Well might the Regent[504] there have ridden. But when this tampion at this[505] castle did light, It put the castle so fair to flight, That down they came each upon other, No stone left standing, by God's mother! But rolled down so fast the hill In such a number, and so did fill From bottom to brim, from shore to shore, This foresaid river so deep before, That who list now to walk thereto, May wade it over and wet no shoe. So was this castle laid wide open, That every man might see the token. But in a good hour may these[506] words be spoken After the tampion on the walls was wroken, And piece by piece in pieces broken. And she delivered with such violence Of all her inconvenience, I left her in good health and lust; And so she doth continue, I trust.

PEDLAR. Sir, in your cure I can nothing tell; But to your[507] purpose ye have said well.