Part 12

Hob and Lob, ah ye country patches! Ah ye fools! ye have made wrong matches; Ye have spoken treason against the king’s grace: For it I will accuse ye before his face; Then for the same ye shall be martyr’d: At the least ye shall be hang’d, drawn, and quartered.

HOB.

O gentleman, ye shall have two pear-pies, and tell not of me.

LOB.

By God, a vat goose chill give thee: I think no hurt, by my vather’s soul I swear.

HOB.

Chave lived well all my life-time my neighbours among, And now chould be loth to come to zuch wrong: To be hanged and quartered the grief would be great.

LOB.

A foul evil on thee, Hob! who bid thee on it treat? Vor it was thou that first did him name.

HOB.

Thou liest like a varlet, and thou zay’st the same; It was zuch a voolish Lob as thou.

LOB.

Speak many words, and by Cod’s nails I vow, Upon thy pate my staff I will lay.

AMBIDEXTER.

By the mass, I will cause them to make a fray. [_Aside._ Yea, Lob, thou sayest true, all came through him.

LOB.

Bum vay, thou Hob, a little would make me ye trim; Give thee a zwap on thy nose, till thy heart ache.

HOB.

If thou darest, do it; else, man, cry creke: I trust, before thou hurt me, With my staff chill make a Lob of thee. [_Here let them fight with their staves, not come near another by three or four yards; the_ VICE _set them on as hard as he can: one of their wives come out, and all to beat the_ VICE, _he run away_.

_Enter_ MARIAN-MAY-BE-GOOD, HOB’S _wife, running in with a broom, and part them._

MARIAN.

O’ the body of me, husband Hob, what, mean you to fight? For the passion of God, no more blows smite. Neighbours and friends so long, and now to fall out! What, in your age to seem so stout? If I had not parted ye, one had kill’d another.

LOB.

I had not cared, I swear by God’s mother.

MARIAN.

Shake hands again at the request of me; As ye have been friends, so friends still be.

HOB.

Bum troth, cham content, and zay’st word, neighbour Lob?

LOB.

I am content; agreed, neighbour Hob. [_Shake hands, and laugh heartily one at another_.

MARIAN.

So, get you to market, no longer stay; And with yonder knave let me make a fray.

HOB.

Content, wife Marian, chill do as thou dost say But buss me, ich pray thee, at going away. [_Exeunt_ HOB, LOB.

MARIAN.

Thou whoreson knave and prickear’d boy, Why didst thou let them fight? If one had kill’d another here, Couldst thou their deaths requite? It bears a sign by this thy deed, A cowardly knave thou art; Else wouldst thou draw that weapon thine, Like a man them to part.

AMBIDEXTER.

What, Marian-may-be-good, are you come prattling? Ye may hap get a box on the ear with your talking: If they had kill’d one another, I had not cared a pease. [_Here let her swinge him with[245] her broom, she gets him down, and he her down, thus one on the top of another make pastime._

MARIAN.

Ah villain, myself on thee I must ease: Give me a box on the ear? that will I try; Who shall be master, thou shalt see by and by.

AMBIDEXTER.

O, no more, no more, I beseech you heartily; Even now I yield, and give you the mastery. [_Run his way out, whilst she is down._

MARIAN.

Ah knave, dost thou throw me down, and run thy way? If he were here again, O, how I would him pay! I will after him; and if I can him meet, With these my nails his face I will greet.

_Enter_ VENUS _leading out her son_ CUPID _blind_: _he must have a bow and two shafts, one headed with gold and the other headed with lead_.

VENUS.

Come forth, my son, unto my words Attentive ears resign: What I pretend, see you frequent, To force this game of mine. The king a kinswoman hath, Adorn’d with beauty store; And I wish that Diana’s gifts, They twain shall keep no more; But use my silver sug’red game Their joys for to augment. When I do speak to wound his heart, Cupid my son, consent: And shoot at him the shaft of love, That bears the head of gold, To wound his heart in lover’s wise, His grief for to unfold. Though kin she be unto his grace, That nature me expel, Against the course thereof he may, In my game please me well; Wherefore, my son, do not forget, Forthwith pursue the deed.

CUPID.

Mother, I mean for to obey, As you have whole decreed: But you must tell me, mother dear, When I shall arrow draw; Else your request to be attain’d Will not be worth a straw: I am blind and cannot see; But still do shoot by guess; The poets well in places store Of my might do express.

VENUS.

Cupid my son, when time shall serve, That thou shalt do this deed, Then warning I to thee will give; But see thou shoot with speed.

_Enter_ LORD, LADY, WAITING MAID.

LORD.

Lady dear, to king akin, Forthwith let us proceed To trace abroad the beauty fields, As erst we had decreed: The blowing buds whose savoury scents Our sense will much delight. The sweet smell of musk-white rose, To please the appetite, The chirping birds, whose pleasant tunes Therein shall hear record, That our great joy we shall it find, In field to walk abroad. On lute and cittern there to play A heavenly harmony, Our ears shall hear, heart to content, Our sports to beautify.[246]

LADY.

Unto your words, most comely lord, Myself submit do I; To trace with you in field so green, I mean not to deny. [_Here trace up and down playing._

MAID.

And I your waiting maid at hand With diligence will be For to fulfil with heart and hand, When you shall command me.

_Enter_ KING, LORD, _and_ KNIGHT.

KING.

Come on, my Lord and Knight, abroad Our mirth let us employ: Since he is dead, this heart of mine In corpse I feel it joy. Should brother mine have reigned king, When I had yielded breath? A thousand brothers I rather had, To put them all to death. But, O, behold where do I see A lord and lady fair; For beauty she most worthy is To sit in prince’s chair.

VENUS.

Shoot forth, my son, now is the time That thou must wound his heart.

CUPID.

Content you, mother, I will do my part. [_Shoot there, and go out_ VENUS _and_ CUPID.

KING.

Of truth, my lord, in eye of mine All ladies she doth excel: Can none report, what dame she is, And to my grace it tell?

LORD.

Redoubted prince, pleaseth your grace, To you she is akin; Cousin-german nigh of birth, By mother’s side come in

KNIGHT.

And that her waiting maiden is, Attending her upon: He is a lord of prince’s court, And will be there anon. They sport themselves in pleasant field, To former used use.

KING.

My Lord and Knight, of truth I speak, My heart it cannot choose; But with my lady I must speak, And so express my mind. My lord and ladies, walking there, If you will favour find, Present yourselves unto my grace, And by my side come stand.

FIRST LORD.

We will fulfil, most mighty king, As your grace doth command.

KING.

Lady dear, intelligence My grace hath got of late; You issued out of mother’s stock, And kin unto my state: According to rule of birth you are Cousin-german mine; Yet do I wish that farther off This kindred I could find: For Cupid he, that eyeless boy, My heart hath so inflamed With beauty you me to content The like cannot be named; For since I ent’red in this place, And on you fix’d mine eyes, Most burning fits about my heart In ample wise did rise. The heat of them such force doth yield, My corpse they scorch, alas! And burns the same with wasting heat, As Titan doth the grass. And sith this heat is kindled so, And fresh in heart of me, There is no way but of the same The quencher you must be: My meaning is, that beauty yours My heart with love doth wound; To give me love, mind to content My heart hath you out-found: And you are she must be my wife, Else shall I end my days. Consent to this, and be my queen, To wear the crown with praise.

LADY.

If it please your grace (O mighty king) You shall not this request; It is a thing that nature’s course Doth utterly detest: And high it would the God displease, Of all that is the worst; To grant your grace to marry so, It is not that I durst: Yet humble thanks I render now Unto you, mighty king, That you vouchsafe to great estate, So gladly would me bring: Were it not it were offence, I would it not deny; But such great honour to achieve My heart I would apply. Therefore (O king) with humble heart In this I pardon crave: Mine answer is in this request, Your mind ye may not have.

KING.

May I not? nay, then I will, By all the gods I vow: And I will marry thee as wife; This is mine answer now: Who dare say nay what I pretend: Who dare the same withstand, Shall lose his head, and have report As traitor through my land: There is no nay, I will you have, And you my queen shall be.

LADY.

Then, mighty king, I crave your grace, To hear the words of me: Your counsel take of lordings’ wit, The laws aright peruse; If I with safe may grant this deed, I will it not refuse.

KING.

No, no; what I have said to you, I mean to have it so: For counsel theirs I mean not, I, In this respect to go. But to my palace let us go, The marriage to prepare; For to avoid my will in this, I can it not forbear.

LADY.

O God, forgive me, if I do amiss; The king by compulsion enforceth me this.

MAID.

Unto the gods for your estate I will not cease to pray; That you may be a happy queen, And see most joyful day.

KING.

Come on, my lords, with gladsome hearts Let us rejoice with glee: Your music show to joy this deed At the request of me.

BOTH.

For to obey your grace’s words Our honours do agree. [_Exeunt._

_Enter_ AMBIDEXTER.

AMBIDEXTER.

O’ the passion of me! marry, as ye say, yonder is a royal court; There is triumphing, and sport upon sport: Such loyal lords with such lordly exercise, Frequenting such pastime as they can devise; Running at tilt, justing, with running at the ring, Masquing and mumming, with each kind of thing, Such dancing, such singing, with musical harmony: Believe me, I was loth to absent their company. But will you believe? Jesu! what haste they made, till they were married? Not for a million of pounds one day longer they would have tarried. O, there was a banquet royal and superexcellent; Thousands and thousands at that banquet was spent. I muse of nothing but how they can be married so soon; I care not, if I be married before to-morrow at noon, If marriage be a thing that so may be had: How say you, maid? to marry me will ye be glad? Out of doubt, I believe, it is some excellent treasure, Else to the same belongs abundant pleasure. Yet with mine ears I have heard some say,-- _That ever I was married, now cursed be the day!_ Those be they, that with curs’d wives be matched, That husband for hawks’ meat of them is up snatched, Head broke with a bedstaff, face be all-to scratched: Knave, slave and villain! a coil’d coat now and then; When the wife hath given in, she will say, alas, good-man! Such were better unmarried, my masters, I trow, Than all their life after to be matched with a shrow.

_Enter_ PREPARATION.

PREPARATION.

With speed I am sent all things to prepare, My message to do as the king did declare. His grace doth mean a banquet to make, Meaning in this place repast for to take. Well, the cloth shall be laid, and all things in readiness, To court to return, when done, is my business.

AMBIDEXTER.

A proper man, and also a fit, For the king’s estate to prepare a banquet.

PREPARATION.

What, Ambidexter? thou art not unknown; A mischief on all good faces, so that I curse not mine own: Now, in the knave’s name, shake hands with me.

AMBIDEXTER.

Well said, goodman pouchmouth, your reverence I see, I will teach ye, if your manners no better be: Ah, ye slave! the king doth me a gentleman allow: Therefore I look that to me ye shall bow. [_Fight._

PREPARATION.

Good Master Ambidexter, pardon my behaviour; For this your deed ye are a knave for your labour.

AMBIDEXTER.

Why, ye stale counterly villain, nothing but knave? [_Fight._

PREPARATION.

I am sorry, your mastership offended I have: Shake hands, that between us agreement may be; I was over-shot with myself, I do see. Let me have your help, this furniture to provide; The king from this place will not long abide.

AMBIDEXTER.

[_Set the fruit on the board_. Content; it is the thing that I would wish: I myself will go fetch on dish. [_Let the_ VICE _set a dish of nuts, and let them fall in the bringing of them in_.

PREPARATION.

Cleanly! Master Ambidexter; for fair on the ground they lie.

AMBIDEXTER.

I will have them up again by and by.

PREPARATION.

To see all in readiness I will put you in trust: There is no nay, to the court needs I must. [_Exit_ PREPARATION.

AMBIDEXTER.

Have you no doubt, but all shall be well? Marry, sir, as you say, this gear doth excel: All things is in a readiness, when they come hither, The king’s grace and the queen both together. I beseech ye, my masters, tell me, is it not best That I be so bold as to bid a guest? He is as honest a man as ever spurr’d cow: My cousin Cutpurse, I mean, I beseech ye, judge you. Believe me, cousin, if to be the king’s guest ye could be taken, I trust that offer would not be forsaken. But, cousin, because to that office ye are not like to come, Frequent your exercises, a horn on your thumb, A quick eye, a sharp knife, at hand a receiver: But then take heed, cousin, ye be a cleanly conveyor; Content yourself, cousin, for this banquet you are unfit, When such as I at the same am not worthy to sit.

_Enter_ KING, QUEEN, LORDS, _&c._

KING.

My queen and lords, to take repast Let us attempt the same; Here is the place, delay no time, But to our purpose frame.

QUEEN.

With willing hearts your whole behest We mind for to obey.

ALL.

And we, the rest of prince’s train, Will do as you do say. [_Sit at the banquet._

KING.

Methink, mine ears doth wish the sound Of music’s harmony; Here for to play before my grace, In place I would them spy. [_Play at the banquet._

AMBIDEXTER.

They be at hand, sir, with stick and fiddle; They can play a new dance called _Hey-diddle-diddle_.

KING.

My queen, perpend: what I pronounce I will not violate; But one thing which my heart makes glad, I mind to explicate: You know, in court uptrained is A lion very young, Of one litter two whelps beside, As yet not very strong; I did request one whelp to see And this young lion fight: But lion did the whelp convince By strength of force and might His brother whelp, perceiving that The lion was too good, And he by force was like to see The other whelp his blood, With force to lion he did run His brother for to help: A wonder great it was to see That friendship in a whelp. So then the whelps between them both The lion did convince; Which thing to see before mine eyes Did glad the heart of prince. [_At this tale told let the_ QUEEN _weep_.

QUEEN.

These words to hear makes stilling tears Issue from crystal eyes.

KING.

What dost thou mean, my spouse, to weep For loss of any prize?

QUEEN.

No, no (O king); but as you see Friendship in brothers whelp, When one was like to have repulse, The other yielded help. And was this favour show’d in dogs, To shame of royal king? Alack, I wish these ears of mine Had not once heard this thing. Even so should you (O mighty king) To brother been a stay; And not, without offence to you, In such wise him to slay. In all assays it was your part His cause to have defended; And whosoever had him misused, To have them reprehended: But faithful love was more in dog, Than it was in your grace.

KING.

O cursed caitiff, vicious and vile, I hate thee in this place. This banquet is at an end, Take all these things away: Before my face thou shalt repent The words that thou dost say. O wretch most vile, didst thou the cause Of brother mine so tender? The loss of him should grieve thy heart, He being none offender. It did me good his death to have, So will it to have thine; What friendship he had at my hands, The same even thou shalt find. I give consent and make a vow, That thou shalt die the death; By Cruel’s sword, and Murder fell, Even thou shalt lose the breath. Ambidexter, see with speed To Cruelty ye go; Cause him hither to approach, Murder with him also.

AMBIDEXTER.

I ready am for to fulfil, If that it be your grace’s will.

KING.

Then nought oblight[247] my message given, Absent thyself away.

AMBIDEXTER.

[_Aside_] Then in this place I will no longer stay. If that I durst, I would mourn your case; But, alas, I dare not for fear of his grace. [_Exit_ AMBIDEXTER.

KING.

Thou cursed jill, by all the gods I take an oath and swear, That flesh of thine these hands of mine In pieces small could tear; But thou shalt die by dent of sword, There is no friend ne fee Shall find remorse at prince’s hand To save the life of thee.

QUEEN.

O mighty king and husband mine, Vouchsafe to hear me speak, And licence give to spouse of thine Her patient mind to break: For tender love unto your grace My words I did so frame, For pure love doth heart of king Me violate and blame. And to your grace is this offence, That I should purchase death? Then cursed time that I was queen, To shorten this my breath! Your grace doth know by marriage true I am your wife and spouse, And one to save another’s health (At troth-plight) made our vows. Therefore, O king, let loving queen At thy hand find remorse, Let pity be a mean to quench That cruel raging force: And pardon plight from prince’s mouth, Yield grace unto your queen, That amity with faithful zeal May ever be us between.

KING.

Ah caitiff vile, to pity thee My heart it is not bent? Ne yet to pardon your offence It is not mine intent.

FIRST LORD.

Our mighty prince, with humble suit Of you this grace I crave, That this request it may take place, Your favour for to have. Let mercy yet abundantly The life of queen preserve, Sith she is most obedient wife Your grace’s will doth serve. As yet your grace but while with her Hath had cohabitation; And sure this is no desert why, To yield her indignation. Therefore (O king) her life prolong, To joy her days in bliss.

SECOND LORD.

Your grace shall win immortal fame In granting unto this; She is a queen whose goodly hue Excels the royal rose: For beauty bright Dame Nature she A large gift did dispose; For comeliness who may compare? Of all she bears the bell; This should give cause to move your grace To love her very well; Her silver breasts in those your arms To sing the songs of love; Fine qualities most excellent To be in her you prove; A precious pearl of price to prince, A jewel passing all: Therefore (O king) to beg remorse On both my knees I fall; To grant her grace to have her life With heart I do desire.

KING.

You villains twain, with raging force Ye set my heart on fire: If I consent that she shall die, How dare ye crave her life? You two to ask this at my hand Doth much enlarge my strife; Were it not for shame, you two should die, That for her life do sue: But favour mine from you is gone, My lords, I tell you true. I sent for Cruelty of late; If he would come away, I would commit her to his hands His cruel part to play. Even now I see where he doth come, It doth my heart delight.

_Enter_ CRUELTY _and_ MURDER.

CRUELTY.

Come, Murder, come; let us go forth with might; Once again the king’s commandment we must fulfil.

MURDER.

I am contented to do it with a good will.

KING.

Murder and Cruelty, for both of you I sent, With all festination your offices to frequent: Lay hold on the queen, take her to your power, And make her away within this hour; Spare for no fear, I do you full permit: So I from this place do mean for to flit.

BOTH.

With courageous hearts, O king, we will obey.

KING.

Then come, my lords, let us depart away.

BOTH THE LORDS.

With heavy hearts we will do all your grace doth say. [_Exeunt_ KING _and_ LORDS.

CRUELTY.

Come, lady and queen, now are you in our handling: In faith, with you we will use no dandling:

MURDER.

With all expedition, I Murder will take place, Though thou be a queen, ye be under my grace.

QUEEN.

With patience I will you both obey.

CRUELTY.

No more words, but go with us away.

QUEEN.

Yet, before I die, some psalm to God let me sing.

BOTH.

We be content to permit you that thing.

QUEEN.

Farewell, you ladies of the court, With all your masking hue: I do forsake these broder’d guards, And all the fashions new, The court and all the courtly train, Wherein I had delight; I banished am from happy sport, And all by spiteful spite. Yet with a joyful heart to God A psalm I mean to sing, Forgiving all, and the king, Of each kind of thing. [_Sing and Exeunt._

_Enter_ AMBIDEXTER _weeping_.

AMBIDEXTER.

Ah, ah, ah, ah! I cannot choose but weep for the queen: Nothing but mourning now at the court there is seen. O, O, my heart, my heart; O, my bum will break: Very grief so torments me that scarce I can speak. Who could but weep for the loss of such a lady? That cannot I do, I swear by mine honesty. But, Lord! so the ladies mourn crying, alack! Nothing is worn now but only black; I believe all [the] cloth in Watling Street to make gowns would not serve:[248] If I make a lie, the devil let me starve! All ladies mourn both young and old; There is not one that weareth a point’s worth of gold. There is a sort for fear of the king do pray, That would have him dead, by the mass I dare say. What a king was he that hath used such tyranny? He was akin to Bishop Bonner,[249] I think verily; For both their delights was to shed blood, But never intended to do any good. Cambyses put a judge to death; that was a good deed; But to kill the young child was worse to proceed; To murder his brother, and then his own wife! So help me God and halidom, it is pity of his life, Hear ye? I will lay twenty thousand pound, That the king himself doth die by some wound; He hath shed so much blood, that his will be shed: If it come so to pass, in faith, then he is sped.