Part 1

A SATIRE ANTHOLOGY

“_SATIRE should, like a polished razor keen, Wound with a touch that’s scarcely felt or seen._” --_LADY MARY WORTLEY MONTAGU._

A Satire Anthology

Collected by Carolyn Wells

New York Charles Scribner’s Sons

1905

COPYRIGHT, 1905, BY CHARLES SCRIBNER’S SONS

Published, October, 1905

TO MINNIE HARPER PILLING

NOTE

ACKNOWLEDGMENT is hereby gratefully made to the publishers of the various poems included in this compilation.

Those by Oliver Wendell Holmes, James Russell Lowell, John G. Saxe, Edward Rowland Sill, John Hay, Bayard Taylor and Edith Thomas are published by permission of Messrs. Houghton, Mifflin & Co.

The poems by Anthony Deane and Owen Seaman are used by arrangement with John Lane.

Through the courtesy of Small, Maynard & Co., are included poems by Bliss Carman, Charlotte Perkins Stetson-Gilman, Stephen Crane, and Frederic Ridgely Torrence.

Poems by Sam Walter Foss are published by permission of Lothrop, Lee & Shepherd Co.

The Century Co. are the publishers of poems by Richard Watson Gilder and Mary Mapes Dodge.

Frederich A. Stokes Company give permission for poems by Gelett Burgess and Stephen Crane.

“The Buntling Ball,” by Edgar Fawcett is published by permission of Funk and Wagnalls Company; “Hoch der Kaiser” by Rodney Blake, by the courtesy of the New Amsterdam Book Co. The poems by James Jeffrey Roche by permission of E. H. Bacon & Co.; and “The Font in the Forest” by Herman Knickerbocker Vielé, by permission of Brentano’s.

“The Evolution of a Name,” by Charles Battell Loomis, is quoted from “Just Rhymes,” Copyright, 1899, by R. H. Russell.

“He and She,” by Eugene Fitch Ware, is published by permission of G. P. Putnam’s Sons.

CONTENTS

PAGE Chorus of Women _Aristophanes_ 3 A Would-Be Literary Bore _Horace_ 4 The Wish for Length of Life _Juvenal_ 6 The Ass’s Legacy _Ruteboeuf_ 7 A Ballade of Old-Time Ladies (Translated by John Payne). _François Villon_ 11 A Carman’s Account of a Lawsuit _Sir David Lyndsay_ 12 The Soul’s Errand _Sir Walter Raleigh_ 13 Of a Certain Man _Sir John Harrington_ 16 A Precise Tailor _Sir John Harrington_ 16 The Will _John Donne_ 18 From “King Henry IV” _William Shakespeare_ 20 From “Love’s Labour’s Lost” _William Shakespeare_ 21 From “As You Like It” _William Shakespeare_ 22 Horace Concocting An Ode _Thomas Dekker_ 23 On Don Surly _Ben Jonson_ 24 The Scholar and His Dog _John Marston_ 25 The Manly Heart _George Wither_ 26 The Constant Lover _Sir John Suckling_ 27 The Remonstrance _Sir John Suckling_ 28 Saintship versus Conscience _Samuel Butler_ 29 Description of Holland _Samuel Butler_ 30 The Religion of Hudibras _Samuel Butler_ 31 Satire on the Scots _John Cleiveland_ 32 Song _Richard Lovelace_ 34 The Character of Holland _Andrew Marvell_ 35 The Duke of Buckingham _John Dryden_ 37 On Shadwell _John Dryden_ 38 Satire on Edward Howard _Charles Sackville, Earl of Dorset_ 39 St. Anthony’s Sermon to the Fishes _Abraham á Sancta Clara_ 39 Introduction to the True-Born Englishman _Daniel Defoe_ 41 An Epitaph _Matthew Prior_ 43 The Remedy Worse than the Disease _Matthew Prior_ 45 Twelve Articles _Jonathan Swift_ 46 The Furniture of a Woman’s Mind _Jonathan Swift_ 48 From “The Love of Fame” _Edward Young_ 50 Dr. Delany’s Villa _Thomas Sheridan_ 52 The Quidnunckis _John Gay_ 54 The Sick Man and the Angel _John Gay_ 55 Sandys’ Ghost _Alexander Pope_ 57 From “The Epistle to Dr. Arbuthnot” _Alexander Pope_ 60 The Three Black Crows _John Byrom_ 63 An Epitaph _George John Cayley_ 64 An Epistle to Sir Robert Walpole _Henry Fielding_ 65 The Public Breakfast _Christopher Anstey_ 67 An Elegy on the Death of a Mad Dog _Oliver Goldsmith_ 72 On Smollett _Charles Churchill_ 73 The Uncertain Man _William Cowper_ 74 A Faithful Picture of Ordinary Society _William Cowper_ 74 On Johnson _John Wolcott_ (_Peter Pindar_) 75 To Boswell _John Wolcott_ (_Peter Pindar_) 76 The Hen _Matt. Claudius_ 77 Let Us All be Unhappy Together _Charles Dibdin_ 78 The Friar of Orders Gray _John O’Keefe_ 79 The Country Squire _Tomas Yriarte_ 80 The Eggs _Tomas Yriarte_ 82 The Literary Lady _Richard Brinsley Sheridan_ 84 Sly Lawyers _George Crabbe_ 85 Reporters _George Crabbe_ 85 Address to the Unco Guid, or the Rigidly Righteous _Robert Burns_ 86 Holy Willie’s Prayer _Robert Burns_ 88 Kitty of Coleraine _Edward Lysaght_ 91 The Friend of Humanity and the Knife-Grinder _George Canning_ 92 Nora’s Vow _Sir Walter Scott_ 94 Job _Samuel T. Coleridge_ 95 Cologne _Samuel T. Coleridge_ 96 Giles’s Hope _Samuel T. Coleridge_ 96 The Battle of Blenheim _Robert Southey_ 97 The Well of St. Keyne _Robert Southey_ 99 The Poet of Fashion _James Smith_ 101 Christmas Out of Town _James Smith_ 103 Eternal London _Thomas Moore_ 105 The Modern Puffing System _Thomas Moore_ 106 Lying _Thomas Moore_ 108 The King of Yvetot (Version of W. M. Thackeray) _Pierre Jean de Béranger_ 109 Sympathy _Reginald Heber_ 111 A Modest Wit _Selleck Osborn_ 112 The Philosopher’s Scales _Jane Taylor_ 114 From “The Feast of the Poets” _James Henry Leigh Hunt_ 116 Rich and Poor; or, Saint and Sinner _Thomas L. Peacock_ 117 Mr. Barney Maguire’s Account of the Coronation _Richard Harris Barham_ 119 From “The Devil’s Drive” _Lord Byron_ 123 From “English Bards and Scotch Reviewers” _Lord Byron_ 125 To Woman _Lord Byron_ 126 A Country House Party _Lord Byron_ 127 Greediness Punished _Friedrich Rückert_ 130 Woman _Fitz-Greene Halleck_ 132 The Rich and the Poor Man (From the Russian of Kremnitzer) _Sir John Bowring_ 132 Ozymandias _Percy Bysshe Shelley_ 134 Cui Bono _Thomas Carlyle_ 135 Father-Land and Mother Tongue _Samuel Lover_ 135 Father Molloy _Samuel Lover_ 136 Gaffer Gray (From “Hugh Trevor”) _Thomas Holcroft_ 139 Cockle v. Cackle _Thomas Hood_ 140 Our Village _Thomas Hood_ 145 The Devil at Home (From “The Devil’s Progress”) _Thomas Kibble Hervey_ 149 How to Make a Novel _Lord Charles Neaves_ 150 Two Characters _Henry Taylor_ 151 The Sailor’s Consolation _William Pitt_ 152 Verses on seeing the Speake asleep in his Chair during One of the Debates of the First Reformed Parliament _Winthrop M. Praed_ 154 Pelters of Pyramids _Richard Hengist Horne_ 155 The Annuity _George Outram_ 156 Malbrouck _Translated by Father Prout_ 161 A Man’s Requirements _Elizabeth Barrett Browning_ 163 Critics _Elizabeth Barrett Browning_ 164 The Miser _Edward Fitzgerald_ 166 Cacoëthes Scribendi _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 166 A Familiar Letter to Several Correspondents _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 167 Contentment _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 171 How to Make a Man of Consequence _Mark Lemon_ 173 The Widow Malone _Charles Lever_ 173 The Pauper’s Drive _T. Noel_ 175 On Lytton _Alfred Tennyson_ 177 Sorrows of Werther _William Makepeace 178 Mr. Molony’s Account of the Thackeray_ Ball Given to the Nepaulese Ambassador by the Peninsular and Oriental Company _William Makepeace Thackeray_ 179 Damages, Two Hundred Pounds _William Makepeace Thackeray_ 182 The Lost Leader _Robert Browning_ 186 The Pope and the Net _Robert Browning_ 188 Soliloquy of the Spanish Cloister _Robert Browning_ 190 Cynical Ode to an Ultra-Cynical Public _Charles Mackay_ 192 The Great Critics _Charles Mackay_ 193 The Laureate _William E. Aytoun_ 194 Woman’s Will _John Godfrey Saxe_ 196 The Mourner á la Mode _John Godfrey Saxe_ 197 There is no God _Arthur Hugh Clough_ 199 The Latest Decalogue _Arthur Hugh Clough_ 200 From “A Fable for Critics” _James Russell Lowell_ 201 The Pious Editor’s Creed _James Russell Lowell_ 206 Revelry in India _Bartholomew Dowling_ 210 A Fragment _Grace Greenwood_ 212 Nothing to Wear _William Allen Butler_ 213 A Review (The Inn Album, By Robert Browning) _Bayard Taylor_ 221 The Positivists _Mortimer Collins_ 224 Sky-Making _Mortimer Collins_ 226 My Lord Tomnoddy _Robert Barnabas Brough_ 227 Hiding the Skeleton _George Meredith_ 229 Midges _Robert Bulwer Lytton_ 230 The Schoolmaster Abroad with his Son _Charles Stuart Calverley_ 233 Of Propriety _Charles Stuart Calverley_ 235 Peace. A Study _Charles Stuart Calverley_ 236 All Saints _Edmund Yates_ 237 Fame’s Penny Trumpet _Lewis Carroll_ 238 The Diamond Wedding _Edmund Clarence Stedman_ 240 True to Poll _Frank C. Burnand_ 247 Sleep On _W. S. Gilbert_ 249 To the Terrestrial Globe, By a Miserable Wretch _W. S. Gilbert_ 250 The Ape and the Lady _W. S. Gilbert_ 250 Anglicised Utopia _W. S. Gilbert_ 252 Etiquette _W. S. Gilbert_ 254 The Æsthete _W. S. Gilbert_ 260 Too Late _Fitz-Hugh Ludlow_ 261 Life in Laconics _Mary Mapes Dodge_ 263 Distiches _John Hay_ 264 The Poet and the Critics _Austin Dobson_ 265 The Love Letter _Austin Dobson_ 267 Fame _James Herbert Morse_ 269 Five Lives _Edward Rowland Sill_ 270 He and She _Eugene Fitch Ware_ 272 What Will We Do? _Robert J. Burdette_ 272 The Tool _Richard Watson Gilder_ 273 Give Me a Theme _Richard Watson Gilder_ 274 The Poem, To the Critic _Richard Watson Gilder_ 274 Ballade of Literary Fame _A. Lang_ 274 Chorus of Anglomaniacs (From The Buntling Ball) _Edgar Fawcett_ 275 The Net of Law _James Jeffrey Roche_ 277 A Boston Lullaby _James Jeffrey Roche_ 277 The V-A-S-E _James Jeffrey Roche_ 278 Thursday _Frederick E. Weatherly_ 280 A Bird in the Hand _Frederick E. Weatherly_ 281 An Advanced Thinker _Brander Matthews_ 282 A Thought _J. K. Stephen_ 283 A Sonnet _J. K. Stephen_ 284 They Said _Edith M. Thomas_ 284 To R. K. _J. K. Stephen_ 286 To Miguel de Cervantes Saavedra _R. K. Munkittrick_ 287 What’s in a Name _R. K. Munkittrick_ 288 Wed _H. C. Bunner_ 289 Atlantic City _H. C. Bunner_ 290 The Font in the Forest _Herman Knickerbocker Vielé_ 294 The Origin of Sin _Samuel Walter Foss_ 294 A Philosopher _Samuel Walter Foss_ 295 The Fate of Pious Dan _Samuel Walter Foss_ 298 The Meeting of the Clabberhuses _Samuel Walter Foss_ 300 Wedded Bliss _Charlotte Perkins (Stetson) Gilman_ 303 A Conservative _Charlotte Perkins (Stetson) Gilman_ 304 Same Old Story _Harry B. Smith_ 306 Hem and Haw _Bliss Carman_ 307 The Sceptics _Bliss Carman_ 308 The Evolution of a “Name” _Charles Battell Loomis_ 310 “The Hurt that Honour Feels” _Owen Seaman_ 310 John Jenkins _Anthony C. Deane_ 313 A Certain Cure _Anthony C. Deane_ 316 The Beauties of Nature (A Fragment from an Unpublished Epic) _Anthony C. Deane_ 317 Paradise. A Hindoo Legend _George Birdseye_ 319 Hoch! der Kaiser _Rodney Blake_ 320 On a Magazine Sonnet _Russell Hilliard Loines_ 321 Earth _Oliver Herford_ 321 A Butterfly of Fashion _Oliver Herford_ 322 General Summary _Rudyard Kipling_ 324 The Conundrum of the Workshops _Rudyard Kipling_ 326 Extracts from the Rubaiyat of Omar Cayenne _Gelett Burgess_ 328 Ballade of Expansion _Hilda Johnson_ 331 Friday Afternoon at the Boston Symphony Hall _Faulkner Armytage_ 332 War is Kind _Stephen Crane_ 336 Lines _Stephen Crane_ 337 From “The House of a Hundred Lights” _Frederic Ridgely Torrence_ 340 The British Visitor _From The Troliopiad_ 343 A Match _Punch_ 343 Wanted a Governess _Anonymous_ 346 Lines by an Old Fogy _Anonymous_ 348

INTRODUCTION

INTRODUCTION

SATIRE, though a form of literature familiar to everyone, is difficult to define. Partaking variously of sarcasm, irony, ridicule, and burlesque, it is exactly synonymous with no one of these.

Satire is primarily dependent on the motive of its writer. Unless meant for satire, it is not the real thing; unconscious satire is a contradiction of terms, or a mere figure of speech.

Secondarily, satire depends on the reader. What seems to us satire to-day, may not seem so to-morrow. Or, what seems satire to a pessimistic mind, may seem merely good-natured chaff to an optimist.

This, of course, refers to the subtler forms of satire. Many classic satires are direct lampoons or broadsides which admit of only one interpretation.

Literature numbers many satirists among its most honoured names; and the best satires show intellect, education, and a keen appreciation of human nature.

Nor is satire necessarily vindictive or spiteful. Often its best examples show a kindly tolerance for the vice or folly in question, and even hint a tacit acceptance of the conditions condemned. Again, in the hands of a carping and unsympathetic critic, satire is used with vitriolic effects on sins for which the writer has no mercy.

This lashing form of satire was doubtless the earliest type. The Greeks show sardonic examples of it, but the Romans allowed a broader sense of humour to soften the satirical sting.

Following and outstripping Lucilius, Horace is the acknowledged father of satire, and was himself followed, and, in the opinion of some, outstripped by Juvenal.

But the works of the ancient satirists are of interest mainly to scholars, and cannot be included in a collection destined for a popular audience. The present volume, therefore, is largely made up from the products of more recent centuries.

From the times of Horace and Juvenal, down through the mediæval ages to the present day, satires may be divided into the two classes founded by the two great masters: the work of Horace’s followers marked by humour and tolerance, that of Juvenal’s imitators by bitter invective. On the one side, the years have arrayed such names as Chaucer, Swift, Goldsmith, and Thackeray; on the other, Langland, Dryden, Pope, and Burns.

A scholarly gentleman of our own day classifies satires in three main divisions: those directed at society, those which ridicule political conditions, and those aimed at individual characters.

These variations of the art of satire form a fascinating study, and to one interested in the subject, this small collection of representative satires can be merely a series of guide-posts.

It is the compiler’s regret that a great mass of material is necessarily omitted for lack of space; other selections are discarded because of their present untimeliness, which deprives them of their intrinsic interest. But an endeavour has been made to represent the greatest and best satiric writers, and also to include at least extracts from the masterpieces of satire.

It is often asked why we have no satire at the present day. Many answers have been given, but one reason is doubtless to be found in the acceleration of the pace of life; fads and foibles follow one another so quickly, that we have time neither to write nor read satiric disquisitions upon them.

Another reason lies in the fact that we have achieved a broader and more tolerant human outlook.

Again, the true satirist must be possessed of earnestness and sincerity. And it is a question whether the mental atmosphere of the twentieth century tends to stimulate and foster those qualities.

These explanations, however, seem to apply to American writers more especially than to English.

The leisurely thinking Briton, with his more personal viewpoint, has produced, and is even now producing, satires marked by strength, honesty, and literary value.

But America is not entirely unrepresented. The work of James Russell Lowell cannot suffer by comparison with that of any contemporary English author; and, though now forgotten because dependent on local and timely interest, many political satires written by Americans during the early part of the nineteenth century show clever and ingenious work founded on a comprehensive knowledge of the truth.

Yet, though the immediate present is not producing masterpieces of satire, the lack is partially made up by the large quantity of really meritorious work that is being done in a satirical vein. In this country and in England are young and middle-aged writers who show evidences of satiric power, which, though it does not make for fame and glory, is yet not without its value.

A SATIRE ANTHOLOGY

A Satire Anthology

CHORUS OF WOMEN

(_From the “Thesmophoriazusæ.”_)

THEY’RE always abusing the women, As a terrible plague to men; They say we’re the root of all evil, And repeat it again and again-- Of war, and quarrels, and bloodshed, All mischief, be what it may. And pray, then, why do you marry us, If we’re all the plagues you say? And why do you take such care of us, And keep us so safe at home, And are never easy a moment If ever we chance to roam? When you ought to be thanking Heaven That your plague is out of the way, You all keep fussing and fretting-- “Where is my Plague to-day?” If a Plague peeps out of the window, Up go the eyes of men; If she hides, then they all keep staring Until she looks out again. _Aristophanes._

A WOULD-BE LITERARY BORE