Chapter 3

Blackman is a catching and clutching game, and furnishes the opportunity for hugging long enough for saying, "One, two, three, pretty good blackman for me;" and it often happens that this is not said as rapidly as it could be,--especially if it be the favored one who is caught. Of course there is much promiscuous catching, and the game is satisfying other instincts than that of love, for instance the instinct of pursuing and catching; but it is quite noticeable that the boys have their favorite girls and catch them first, often showing jealousy if the girls are caught by any one else. The girls are often aggressive in selecting boys to catch in the event that they themselves are caught first. Prison-Base and Handkerchief are pursuing and touching games, and furnish opportunity for indirect love confessions. Skip-to-My-Lou involves the choice of "My Lou" together with skipping with her, which is done while holding her hand or with arm about her waist as in round dancing. Green Grows the Willow Tree, involves holding hands, hugging and kissing. It is a ring game, with the one who does the choosing placed in the middle of the ring. The following is the song that furnishes the suggestions for the acting that accompanies it:

Green grows the willow tree, Green grows the willow tree. Come my love where have you been? Come and sit at the side of me. O, how she blushes so! Kiss her sweet and let her go, But don't you let her mother know.

Tag and I Spy are other games that furnish opportunities for love to discriminate in favor of its chosen ones. In fact there is scarcely a social game indulged in by both sexes wherein the incidents are not turned to the emotion's account by the young lovers. It must not be understood that all of the children who take part in these games are to be considered as lovers. As was suggested above the games may appeal to many other instincts and be indulged in on that account rather than on account of the love sentiment that characterizes them. On the other hand many of the games whose content does not suggest love may be turned into a love opportunity and expression.

The routine of the school furnishes other opportunities that are taken advantage of. Lovers will manage some way to sit or stand together, and are thrilled by touching. One boy who sat behind his sweetheart would place his arm along the back of the desk where she would come in contact with it. Others carry on their courtship by touching their feet under the desks, etc. It is common to see favoritism in recitations wherein pupils make the corrections; the lover seldom corrects the sweetheart, and _vice versa_. In contests such as spelling, words are purposely misspelled in order to favor the sweetheart or to keep from "turning her down." The eye glance is another means as efficacious with children as with adults. One pair of young lovers, whose unsympathetic teacher forbade their looking at each other, brought hand mirrors by means of which they continued to exchange their "love messages."

Few teachers complain of the love affairs of children in these first two periods as interfering with school work,--except when one of the lovers is absent. A score or more of the observers assert that during the absence of one of the lovers, the other does not do as good work and often becomes moody and irritable. On the other hand it very materially quickens the efforts of many who want to appear well before their lovers. One boy, nine years old, who had been quite lazy and was looked upon as being rather dull, braced up and for two years led his class, in order, as he said, "to win his Ottilia." During the adolescent stage that follows this the emotion becomes so intense and all absorbing as to interfere very much with school work, or with anything else that requires application.

Akin to the disturbance caused by the absence of the lover from school is the grief that comes from being more or less permanently separated, as by moving away or by the death of one. In some instances the grief is very intense and protracted. Four cases of attempts at suicide are reported: one boy eight years old; another nine; a girl nine and another eleven. Six cases of nervous illness are reported as due, either to separation or jilting. Ordinarily, however, weaning is comparatively an easy matter.

Teasing breaks up many of these love affairs, and not infrequently causes the lovers to hate each other; in which case they childishly look upon each other as the cause instead of the occasion of the torment. Also under the spur of the taunts of mates the lovers are stimulated to say things to or about each other that lead to estrangement. In some instances, however, the persecution is taken as a sort of martyrdom and is enjoyed. Jealousy is another potent factor in separating these young lovers. Teasing is not the primary cause of the tendency to conceal the emotion.

The season of the year seems to have its effect upon the intensity of the emotion of sex-love among children. One teacher from Texas, who furnished me with seventy-six cases, said that he had noticed that the matter of love among children seemed "fairly to break out in the spring-time." Many of the others who reported, incidentally mentioned the love affairs as beginning in the spring. This also agrees with my own observations. It may partly be accounted for by the fact that during the winter months the children have much less freedom in playing together, and hence fewer opportunities for forming and showing preferences. On the other hand the suggestion inevitably occurs that there is some connection between this and the pairing season among animals and the sexual periodicity among primitive peoples.

"Showing-off" as a method of courtship is not only as old as the human race, but is perhaps the most common one used by animals. While the complete discussion of this topic is reserved for the chapter upon courtship, the picture of love as it is experienced by the young people in this second stage would not be complete without at least a passing reference to it. It constitutes one of the chief numbers in the boy's repertory of love charms, and is not totally absent from the girl's. It is a most common sight to see the boys taxing their resources in devising means of exposing their own excellences, and often doing the most ridiculous and extravagant things. Running, jumping, dancing, prancing, sparring, wrestling, turning hand-springs, somersaults,--backward, forward, double,--climbing, walking fences, singing, giving yodels and yells, whistling, imitating the movements of animals, "taking people off," courting danger, affecting courage, are some of its common forms. I saw a boy upon one such occasion stand on the railroad track until by the barest margin he escaped death by a passenger engine. One writer gives an account of a boy who sat on the end of a cross-tie and was killed by a passing train. This tendency to show off for love's sake, together with the inability to make any direct declaration, is well illustrated in the love affair of Piggy Pennington, King of Boyville.[10] "Time and time again had Piggy tried to make some sign to let his feelings be known, but every time he had failed. Lying in wait for her at corners, and suddenly breaking upon her with a glory of backward and forward somersaults did not convey the state of his heart. Hanging by his heels from an apple tree limb over the sidewalk in front of her, unexpectedly, did not tell the tender tale for which his lips could find no words. And the nearest that he could come to an expression of the longing in his breast was to cut her initials in the ice beside his own when she came weaving and wobbling past on some other boy's arm. But she would not look at the initials, and the chirography of his skates was so indistinct that it required a key; and, everything put together, poor Piggy was no nearer a declaration at the end of the winter than he had been at the beginning of autumn. So only one heart beat with but a single thought, and the other took motto candy and valentines and red apples and picture cards and other tokens of esteem from other boys, and beat on with any number of thoughts, entirely immaterial to the uses of this narrative." This "showing-off" in the boy lover is the forerunner of the skillful, purposive and elaborate means of self-exhibition in the adult male and the charming coquetry in the adult female, in their love relations.

Another kind of indirection that is very interesting is that of a boy who ostensibly is talking to one, but everything which he is saying is intended for another. This is sometimes extended into a sort of pleasant teasing and scuffling in which the very one whom he wants to touch is very carefully avoided. A further phase of the same thing is shown by the embrace or caress that is given to one while the emotional discharge goes out to some one else; as for example, a boy under the influence of a meeting with the girl whom he had begun to love but to whom he had made no confession, went home and walked up to his sister, put his arms about her neck and kissed her. The action was so unusual as both to surprise the sister and to arouse her intelligent suspicions. Goethe makes much use of this type of emotional discharge in his "Elective Affinities," and Tennyson alludes to it in the lines,

Dear as remembered kisses after death, And sweet as those by hopeless fancy feigned On lips that are for others.

Such manifestations are not far removed from those that are shown to pet animals and to persons of the same sex, reference to which has previously been made.

Previous to the age of about nine the girl is more aggressive than the boy in love affairs. At this age her modesty, coyness and native love for being wooed, come to the surface and thereafter characterize her attitude toward the opposite sex.

TYPICAL CASES.

Case 1. A boy of eight confessed through a girl's friends his love for the girl. Then on the playground he did little favors for her as though they were matters of course. If attention was in any way called to his acts of kindness he would lightly dismiss the affair with "Oh, that's nothin'," always showing embarrassment at the fact that his favoritism had been observed. In writing about it the girl says: "I liked him very much and enjoyed being near him on the playground, but was very much embarrassed when he spoke to me; so about all the pleasure that I got out of this little romance was in watching him as he would try to gain my attention and good-will while we were all at play."

Case 2. In a case that continued from seven to thirteen the writer says: "I wanted to stand by him in the game, but would never make the effort to get the situation--although it always came about. He sent me very pretty valentines, but was very careful that I should not find out who sent them. When we met on the street we would both blush, and a strange feeling would possess me that I did not have on any other occasion. My bliss was complete when I was walking down the street and he overtook me--although we could say nothing to each other."

Case 3. B. 9, g. 11. Boy very much annoyed by the fact that the girl was two years older. He thought that the husband ought always to be older, and "looked forward to the time when I should make her my wife. It was in secret, however, and I was always fearful lest some one should find it out. The girl probably never bestowed a thought upon me. I was very shy in her presence, and if she spoke to me or addressed me in any manner my tongue clove to the roof of my mouth, making it almost impossible for me to answer. I dreamed about her night after night, and upon hearing her name mentioned I would become confused and nervous." This continued from nine to fifteen, and developed into a genuine case of adolescent love.

Case 4. B. 11, g. 9. Boy would come to take the girl to their little parties--but would never walk on the same side of the street with her. The girl writes: "We were very much afraid of each other, and yet we weren't. When we were together we never would speak to each other if we could help it, but when we were apart we wrote notes constantly."

Case 5. "I was very much in love with a boy when I was between seven and nine years of age. I always felt hurt if he chose any one else in the games. I was very much embarrassed if this boy's name was mentioned in the presence of my mother or brothers. I didn't mind their teasing me about any other boy. I felt none of this embarrassment in the presence of my sympathetic playmates."

Case 6. An eight-year-old boy contemplated suicide because his sweetheart moved into another neighborhood. He would not tell her that he loved her. Wanted to give her a present, but feared she would divine the truth.

Case 7. From a woman's confessions, referring to her love at nine years of age: We never used the word _love_, it was always _like_. I think we felt afraid of _love_. I think we had no definite idea of marriage, we lived completely in the present. However, I felt in a dim way that we were always to be together.

Case 8. From a man's confessions: "I never told any one that I loved the girl, and did not even want the girl to know it. I was satisfied to be in sight of the girl. I was nine and she was ten."

Case 9. B. 9, g. 8. A blue-eyed girl and a handsome dark-eyed boy. One day he told Bessie he had something to tell her, but that she must tell no one. He said that he had wanted to tell her before but could not; now he would tell her if he choked to death in the effort. Braving all difficulties, he led Bessie to an oak tree and while pretending to be gathering acorns, told her of his love. She forgot that she should "tell no one," and at the first opportunity told me the whole story, and how she had loved him, but had never imagined he cared anything for her. I had understood Bessie's feelings before she told me this, and now rejoiced with her. She wanted to be with him almost constantly, but he was shy and always wished to conceal his affection from every one except from Bessie. She thought the mutual love something to be very proud of, and could not understand why he could not tell every one unblushingly as she did. She talked of a faraway sometime when she should be his wife; he, terribly embarrassed, acknowledged the fact when she mentioned it in his presence. This condition of affairs continued about three months, when she gradually came to the conclusion that he did not love her and she would give him up for one she knew loved her. This was a young man of seventeen or eighteen who delighted in holding her on his knee, playing with her curls and caressing her in different ways. He cared for her as boys of that age usually care for little girls. Milton, filled with jealous anger, remained at a distance for awhile, and then spoke of the unusual proceedings to Bessie. She told him in child language that "When one is truly in love one not only says it but shows it," and having fallen desperately in love with the more fortunate young man she gave Milton to understand that he need hope no more. The new lover remained but a short time, and after bestowing a beautiful doll as a parting gift he went away. She cried, was sorry that she had misunderstood Milton, but was too proud to call him back, and contented herself with her doll, declaring she did not like boys, and would never, never have a lover again. Milton with his parents soon moved away, and we never saw him again.

Case 10. B. 10, g. 16. A boy of ten very much in love with a girl of sixteen. They wrote letters which they exchanged in some secret way. I chanced to see some of the letters which the boy had received from the girl in which she was profuse in her expressions of love. The girl did not seem to care if her love for the boy was known, but the boy was shy. This continued for some time, in fact, until the young lady was engaged to be married to a young man, and within a week of her marriage she told her grandmother that if H. were but a little older her eyes would be turned in a different direction.

Case 11. The two children I refer to were about nine years old. They seemed to think a very great deal of each other, but were very shy in the presence of others. He often sent the little girl presents of flowers and candy on the sly. They continued to love each other for three or four years, until they finally became estranged through jealousy.

Case 12. When I was nine years old I fell in love with a girl about my own age who was also in love with me. I was jealous when I saw her playing with any other boy. I never told any one that I loved the girl, and didn't even want her to know it. As I grew older it gradually disappeared without anything to break it up.

Case 13. From the age of seven to ten I loved a boy of my own age. It happened occasionally that the class would stand up to spell, and when it did we frequently stood side-by-side. When the teacher allowed the school to spell in the old-fashioned way of "turning down" we were averse either to go above the other when we were entitled to do so. Our childish happiness lasted but one school term. His family moved away. We both felt the separation very keenly, and were sure that we never would have such friends again. At ten I thought more of another boy who had recently moved to our town. Our love began by our playing together in games with others. Our attachment grew to be very warm. He would send me valentines, and I would usually answer them. We were together in our study and in our games and sports. He would choose me and I would choose him,--except occasionally to tease him I would choose his nephew who was a little older than he. At times he did not appear to care, but at others he became angry. This love continued for four years with occasional interruptions in its placidity.

Cases of early love continuing throughout life. Case 6, page 335, and case 11, page 336, also belong to this group.

Case 1. My father and mother fell in love with each other when they were five years old, and were lovers till they died, both at the age of sixty-seven. When they were children they lived in the country some miles apart. Their parents attended the same church, and on Sundays in the summer-time the children were allowed to play outside while the church services were going on. It was in this way that they met, and for some time, they saw each other only on Sundays. When seven years old they started to the same school, and from that time on they were very devoted lovers. They were married at twenty-two, and lived happily together during forty-five years. They raised a large family, all of the members of which are now grown.

Case 2. I know of a couple who have been married ten years who have been lovers since childhood. The husband is four years older than his wife, with whom he fell in love when he was seven years old. They lived in the same town, and their parents were the best of friends. The children had many opportunities for being together, and always seemed very happy in each other's company. They were always acknowledged to be lover and sweetheart by their playmates, and it seemed very natural that they should marry, which they did when she was seventeen.

Case 3. I have a friend who is about five years older than I. We have been very intimate, and she has told me everything about her life. She and her husband have been lovers since they were five years old. She says that there has never been a time in her life since that time when she didn't love him. They were neighbors when they were small children, but moved apart and did not see each other for years. She went with friends to Europe and had many interesting experiences with other suitors, but her love for that boy never changed except to grow stronger. They have been married several years.

Case 4. During the time that I was teaching I boarded for several terms in a family, the husband and wife of which told me that they had been lovers since the first year that they attended school, and that neither had ever had any other lover.

Case 5. Two young people that I know have been lovers since they were babes. During their early school years the little boy would call for his little sweetheart every morning and take her to school. He was always at her side during the play periods, and would walk home with her after school was out in the afternoon. When either was sick the other called regularly and brought little favors. They have been very jealous of one another during all of their life. They are now twenty and soon will be married.

Case 6. I know a couple who were married at the age of nineteen whose love began when they were children. Their parents were neighbors, and the children grew up together. During their childhood their love was not interfered with by the parents, but when they arrived at adolescence and began to go to parties together the parents of both objected. The most severe measures of the parents of both failed to prevent their marriage.

Cases with disparity in the ages of the lovers.

Case 1. A little boy of four began to show the most devoted love for a young lady. Even when she was absent the mention of her name would cause an expression of almost worship to pass over his little face. She gave him her picture, and every night he said his prayers to it and kissed it good-night. There was no cloud in his sky until one day he heard two members of the family discussing the arrival of a young man who was interested in the young lady. No notice was taken of the little one, and when dinner time came he was missing. He was found in the carriage-house--a little bundle of indignation--getting ready to drive down town. In the carriage he had put his father's shot-gun, and he vowed vengeance on the young man who was "stealing away" his "darling," as he called her. It took some time to pacify him, and he was only satisfied when the young lady herself appeared on the scene and promised him she would not marry the young man. That was nearly three years ago, and he is still as devoted a little lover as he was then.

Case 2. A little girl of five showed great affection for a boy of twenty-one. She used to climb upon his lap and caress him, and he never forgot to have some little delicacy for her in his pockets. This little girl had a pet kitten which her parents did not wish her to play with, and so her brothers coaxed the young man to kill it, thinking that she would think anything which he did all right. But the child's conduct towards him changed, and she didn't care for him as before. She is now nineteen years old, but whenever she sees him she thinks:--"He killed my pet."