Chapter 2

I have broke open my Letter to inform you, that I miss’d the Opportunity of sending it by the Messenger, who I expected would have called upon me in his Return through this Village to _York_, so it has laid a Week or ten Days by me.

—I am not sorry for the Disappointment, because something has since happened, in Continuation of this Affair, which I am thereby enabled to transmit to you, all under one Trouble.

When I finished the above Account, I thought (as did every Soul in the Parish) _Trim_ had met with so thorough a Rebuff from _John_ the Parish-Clerk and the Town’s Folks, who all took against him, that _Trim_ would be glad to be quiet, and let the Matter rest.

But, it seems, it is not half an Hour ago since _Trim_ sallied forth again; and, having borrowed a Sow-Gelder’s Horn, with hard Blowing he got the whole Town round him, and endeavoured to raise a Disturbance, and fight the whole Battle over again:—That he had been used in the last Fray worse than a Dog;—not by _John_ the Parish-Clerk,—for I shou’d not, quoth _Trim_, have valued him a Rush single Hands:—But all the Town sided with him, and twelve Men in Buckram set upon me all at once, and kept me in Play at Sword’s Point for three Hours together.—Besides, quoth Trim, there were two misbegotten Knaves in _Kendal Green_, who lay all the while in Ambush in _John_’s own House, and they all sixteen came upon my Back, and let drive at me together.—A Plague, says _Trim_, of all Cowards!—_Trim_ repeated this Story above a Dozen Times;—which made some of the Neighbours pity him, thinking the poor Fellow crack-brain’d, and that he actually believed what he said. After this _Trim_ dropp’d the Affair of the _Breeches_, and begun a fresh Dispute about the _Reading-Desk_, which I told you had occasioned some small Dispute between the _late_ Parson and _John_, some Years ago.

This _Reading-Desk_, as you will observe, was but an Episode wove into the main Story by the Bye;—for the main Affair was the _Battle of the Breeches_ and _Great Watch-Coat_.—However, _Trim_ being at last driven out of these two Citadels,—he has seized hold, in his Retreat, of this _Reading-Desk_, with a View, as it seems, to take Shelter behind it.

I cannot say but the Man has fought it out obstinately enough;—and, had his Cause been good, I should have really pitied him. For when he was driven out of the _Great Watch-Coat_,—you see, he did not run away;—no, —he retreated behind the _Breeches;_—and, when he could make nothing of it behind the _Breeches_,—he got behind the _Reading-Desk_.—To what other Hold Trim will next retreat, the Politicians of this Village are not agreed.—Some think his next Move will be towards the Rear of the Parson’s Boot;—but, as it is thought he cannot make a long Stand there,—others are of Opinion, That _Trim_ will once more in his Life get hold of the Parson’s Horse, and charge upon him, or perhaps behind him. But as the Horse is not easy to be caught, the more general Opinion is, That, when he is driven out of the _Reading-Desk_, he will make his last Retreat in such a Manner as, if possible, to gain the _Close-Stool_, and defend himself behind it to the very last Drop. If _Trim_ should make this Movement, by my Advice he should be left besides his Citadel, in full Possession of the Field of Battle;—where, ’tis certain, he will keep every Body a League off, and may pop by himself till he is weary: Besides, as _Trim_ seems bent upon _purging_ himself, and may have Abundance of foul Humours to work off, I think he cannot be better placed.

But this is all Matter of Speculation.—Let me carry you back to Matter of Fact, and tell you what Kind of a Stand _Trim_ has actually made behind the said _Desk_.

“Neighbours and Townsmen all, I will be sworn before my Lord Mayor, That _John_ and his nineteen Men in _Buckram_, have abused me worse than a Dog; for they told you that I play’d fast and go-loose with the _late_ Parson and him, in that old Dispute of theirs about the _Reading-Desk;_ and that I made Matters worse between them, and not better.”

Of this Charge, _Trim_ declared he was as innocent as the Child that was unborn: That he would be Book-sworn he had no Hand in it. He produced a strong Witness;—and, moreover, insinuated, that _John_ himself, instead of being angry for what he had done in it, had actually thank’d him. Aye, _Trim_, says the Wight in the Plush Breeches, but that was, _Trim_, the Day before _John_ found thee out.—Besides, _Trim_, there is nothing in that:—For, the very Year that thou wast made Town’s Pinder, thou knowest well, that I both thank’d thee myself; and, moreover, gave thee a good warm Supper for turning _John Lund_’s Cows and Horses out of my Hard-Corn Close; which if thou had’st not done, (as thou told’st me) I should have lost my whole Crop: Whereas, _John Lund_ and _Thomas Patt_, who are both here to testify, and will take their Oaths on’t, That thou thyself wast the very Man who set the Gate open; and, after all,—it was not thee, _Trim_,—’twas the Blacksmith’s poor Lad who turn’d them out: So that a Man may be thank’d and rewarded too for a good Turn which he never did, nor ever did intend.

_Trim_ could not sustain this unexpected Stroke;—so _Trim_ march’d off the Field, without Colours flying, or his Horn sounding, or any other Ensigns of Honour whatever.

Whether after this _Trim_ intends to rally a second Time, or whether _Trim_ may not take it into his Head to claim the Victory,—no one but _Trim_ himself can inform you:—However, the general Opinion, upon the whole, is this, That, in three several pitch’d Battles, _Trim_ has been so trimm’d, as never disastrous Hero was _trimm’d_ before him.

THE KEY.

This _Romance_ was, by some Mischance or other, dropp’d in the _Minster-Yard, York_, and pick’d up by a Member of a small Political Club in that City; where it was carried, and publickly read to the Members the last Club Night.

It was instantly agreed to, by a great Majority, That it was a _Political Romance;_ but concerning what State or Potentate, could not so easily be settled amongst them.

The President of the Night, who is thought to be as clear and quick-lighted as any one of the whole Club in Things of this Nature, discovered plainly, That the Disturbances therein set forth, related to those on the _Continent:_—That _Trim_ could be Nobody but the King of _France_, by whole shifting and intriguing Behaviour, all _Europe_ was set together by the Ears:—That _Trim_’s Wife was certainly the _Empress_, who are as kind together, says he, as any Man and Wife can be for their Lives.—The more Shame for ’em, says an Alderman, low to himself.—Agreeable to this Key, continues the President,—The _Parson_, who I think is a most excellent Character,—is His Most Excellent Majesty King _George;_—_John_, the Parish-Clerk, is the King of _Prussia;_ who, by the Manner of his first entering _Saxony_, shew’d the World most evidently,—That he did know how to lead out the Psalm, and in Tune and Time too, notwithstanding _Trim_’s vile Insult upon him in that Particular.—But who do you think, says a Surgeon and Man-Midwife, who sat next him, (whose Coat-Button the President, in the Earnestness of this Explanation, had got fast hold of, and had thereby partly drawn him over to his Opinion) Who do you think, Mr. President, says he, are meant by the _Church-Wardens, Sides-Men, Mark Slender, Lorry Slim, &c._—Who do I think? says he, Why,—Why, Sir, as I take the Thing,—the _Church-Wardens_ and _Sides-Men_, are the _Electors_ and the other _Princes_ who form the _Germanick Body_.—And as for the other subordinate Characters of _Mark Slim?_—the _unlucky Wight_ in the Plush Breeches,—the _Parson’s Man_ who was so often out of the Way, &c. &c.—these, to be sure, are the several _Marshals_ and _Generals_, who fought, or should have fought, under them the last Campaign.—The Men in _Buckram_, continued the President, are the Grofs of the King of _Prussia_’s Army, who are as _stiff_ a Body of Men as are in the World:—And _Trim_’s saying they were twelve, and then nineteen, is a Wipe for the _Brussels Gazetteer_, who, to my Knowledge, was never two Weeks in the same Story, about that or any thing else.

As for the rest of the _Romance_, continued the President, it sufficiently explains itself,—The _Old-cast-Pair-of-Black-Plush-Breeches_ must be _Saxony_, which the _Elector_, you see, _has left of wearing:_—And as for the _Great Watch-Coat_, which, you know, covers all, it signifies all _Europe;_ comprehending, at least, so many of its different States and Dominions, as we have any Concern with in the present War.

I protest, says a Gentleman who sat next but one to the President, and who, it seems, was the Parson of the Parish, a Member not only of the Political, but also of a Musical Club in the next Street;—I protest, says he, if this Explanation is right, which I think it is, That the whole makes a very fine Symbol.—You have always some Musical Instrument or other in your Head, I think, says the Alderman.—Musical instrument! replies the Parson, in Astonishment,—Mr. Alderman, I mean an Allegory; and I think the greedy Disposition of _Trim_ and his Wife, in ripping the _Great Watch-Coat_ to Pieces, in order to convert it into a Petticoat for the one, and a Jerkin for the other, is one of the most beautiful of the Kind I ever met with; and will shew all the World what have been the true Views and Intentions of the Houses of _Bourbon_ and _Austria_ in this abominable Coalition,—I might have called it Whoredom:—Nay, says the Alderman, ’tis downright Adulterydom, or nothing.

This Hypothesis of the President’s explain’d every Thing in the _Romance_ extreamly well; and, withall, was delivered with so much Readiness and Air of Certainty, as begot an Opinion in two Thirds of the Club, that Mr. President was actually the Author of the _Romance_ himself: But a Gentleman who sat on the opposite Side of the Table, who had come piping-hot from reading the History of King _William_’s and Queen _Anne_’s Wars, and who was thought, at the Bottom, to envy the President the Honour both of the _Romance_ and Explanation too, gave an entire new Turn to it all. He acquainted the Club, That Mr. President was altogether wrong in every Supposition he had made, except that one, where the _Great Watch-Coat_ was said by him to represent _Europe_, or at least a great Part of it:—So far he acknowledged he was pretty right; but that he had not gone far enough backwards into our History to come at the Truth. He then acquainted them, that the dividing the _Great Watch-Coat_ did, and could, allude to nothing else in the World but the _Partition-Treaty;_ which, by the Bye, he told them, was the most unhappy and scandalous Transaction in all King _William_’s Life: It was that false Step, and that only, says he, rising from his Chair, and striking his Hand upon the Table with great Violence; it was that false Step, says he, knitting his Brows and throwing his Pipe down upon the Ground, that has laid the Foundation of all the Disturbances and Sorrows we feel and lament at this very Hour; and as for _Trim_’s giving up the _Breeches_, look ye, it is almost Word for Word copied from the _French_ King and _Dauphin_’s Renunciation of _Spain_ and the _West-Indies_, which all the World knew (as was the very Case of the _Breeches_) were renounced by them on purpose to be reclaim’d when Time should serve.

This Explanation had too much Ingenuity in it to be altogether slighted; and, in Truth, the worst Fault it had, seem’d to be the prodigious Heat of it; which (as an Apothecary, who sat next the Fire, observ’d, in a very low Whisper to his next Neighbour) was so much incorporated into every Particle of it, that it was impossible, under such Fermentation, it should work its defined Effect.

This, however, no way intimidated a little valiant Gentleman, though he sat the very next Man, from giving an Opinion as diametrically opposite as _East_ is from _West_.

This Gentleman, who was by much the best Geographer in the whole Club, and, moreover, second Cousin to an Engineer, was positive the _Breeches_ meant _Gibraltar;_ for, if you remember, Gentlemen, says he, tho’ possibly you don’t, the Ichnography and Plan of that Town and Fortress, it exactly resembles a Pair of Trunk-Hose, the two Promontories forming the two Slops, &c. &c.—Now we all know, continued he, that King _George_ the First made a Promise of that important Pass to the King of _Spain:_—So that the whole Drift of the _Romance_, according to my Sense of Things, is merely to vindicate the King and the Parliament in that Transaction, which made so much Noise in the World.

A Wholesale Taylor, who from the Beginning had resolved not to speak at all in the Debate,—was at last drawn into it, by something very unexpected in the last Person’s Argument.

He told the Company, frankly, he did not understand what _Ichnography_ meant:—But as for the Shape of a _Pair of Breeches_, as he had had the Advantage of cutting out so many hundred Pairs in his Life-Time, he hoped he might be allowed to know as much of the Matter as another Man.

Now, to my Mind, says he, there is nothing in all the Terraqueous Globe (a Map of which, it seems, hung up in his Work-Shop) so like a _Pair of Breeches_ unmade up, as the Island of _Sicily:_—Nor is there any thing, if you go to that, quoth an honest Shoe-maker, who had the Honour to be a Member of the Club, so much like a _Jack-Boot_, to my Fancy, as the Kingdom of _Italy_.—What the Duce has either _Italy_ or _Sicily_ to do in the Affair? cries the President, who, by this Time, began to tremble for his Hypothesis,—What have they to do?—Why, answered the _Partition-Treaty_ Gentleman, with great Spirit and Joy sparkling in his Eyes,—They have just so much, Sir, to do in the Debate as to overthrow your Suppositions, and to establish the Certainty of mine beyond the Possibility of a Doubt: For, says he, (with an Air of Sovereign Triumph over the President’s Politicks)—By the _Partition-Treaty_, Sir, both _Naples_ and _Sicily_ were the very Kingdoms made to devolve upon the _Dauphin;_—and _Trim_’s _greasing the Parson’s Boots_, is a Devilish Satyrical Stroke;—for it exposes the Corruption, and Bribery made Use of at that Juncture, in bringing over the several States and Princes of _Italy_ to use their Interests at _Rome_, to stop the Pope from giving the Investitures of those Kingdoms to any Body else.—The Pope has not the Investiture of _Sicily_, cries another Gentleman.—I care not, says he, for that.

Almost every one apprehended the Debate to be now ended, and that no one Member would venture any new Conjecture upon the _Romance_, after so many clear and decisive Interpretations had been given. But, hold,—Close to the Fire, and opposite to where the Apothecary sat, there sat also a Gentleman of the Law, who, from the Beginning to the End of the Hearing of this Case, seem’d no way satisfied in his Conscience with any one Proceeding in it. This Gentleman had not yet opened his Mouth, but had waited patiently till they had all gone thro’ their several Evidences on the other Side;—reserving himself, like an expert Practitioner, for the last Word in the Debate. When the _Partition-Treaty_-Gentleman had finish’d what he had to say,—He got up,—and, advancing towards the Table, told them, That the Error they had all gone upon thus far, in making out the several Facts in the _Romance_,—was in looking too high; which, with great Candor, he said, was a very natural Thing, and very excusable withall, in such a Political Club as theirs: For Instance, continues he, you have been searching the _Registers_, and looking into the _Deeds_ of _Kings_ and _Emperors_,—as if Nobody had any _Deeds_ to shew or compare the _Romance_ to but themselves.—This, continued the Attorney, is just as much out of the Way of good Practice, as if I should carry a Thing slap-dash into the House of Lords, which was under forty Shillings, and might be decided in the next County-Court for six Shillings and Eight-pence.—He then took the _Romance_ in his Left Hand, and pointing with the Fore-Finger of his Right towards the second Page, he humbly begg’d Leave to observe, (and, to do him Justice, he did it in somewhat of a _forensic Air_) That the _Parson, John_, and _Sexton_, shewed incontestably the Thing to be _Tripartite;_ now, if you will take Notice, Gentlemen, says he, these several Persons, who are Parties to this Instrument, are merely Ecclesiastical; that the _Reading-Desk, Pulpit-Cloth_, and _Velvet Cushion_, are tripartite too; and are, by Intendment of Law, Goods and Chattles merely of an Ecclesiastick Nature, belonging and appertaining ‘only unto them,’ _and to them only_.—So that it appears very plain to me, That the _Romance_, neither directly nor indirectly, goes upon Temporal, but altogether upon Church-Matters.—And do not you think, says he, softening his Voice a little, and addressing himself to the Parson with a forced Smile,—Do not you think Doctor, says he, That the Dispute in the _Romance_, between the _Parson_ of the Parish and _John_, about the Height of _John_’s Desk, is a very fine Panegyrick upon the _Humility of Church-Men?_—I think, says the Parson, it is much of the same Fineness with that which your Profession is complimented with, in the pimping, dirty, pettyfogging Character of _Trim_,—which, in my Opinion, Sir, is just such another Panegyrick upon the _Honesty_ of _Attornies_.

Nothing whets the Spirits like an Insult:—Therefore the Parson went on with a visible Superiority and an uncommon Acuteness.—As you are so happy, Sir, continues he, in making Applications,—pray turn over a Page or two to the black Law-Letters in the _Romance_.—What do you think of them, Sir?—Nay,—pray read the Grant of the _Great Watch-Coat_ and _Trim_’s Renunciation of the _Breeches_.—Why, there is downright Lease and Release for you,—’tis the very Thing, Man;—only with this small Difference,—and in which consists the whole Strength of the Panegyric, That the Author of the _Romance_ has convey’d and re-convey’d, in about ten Lines, —what you, with the glorious Prolixity of the Law, could not have crowded into as many Skins of Parchment.

The Apothecary, who had paid the Attorney, the same Afternoon, a Demand of Three Pounds Six Shillings and Eight-Pence, for much such another Jobb,—was so highly tickled with the Parson’s Repartee in that particular Point,—that he rubb’d his Hands together most fervently,—and laugh’d most triumphantly thereupon.

This could not escape the Attorney’s Notice, any more than the Cause of it did escape his Penetration.

I think, Sir, says he, (dropping his Voice a Third) you might well have spared this immoderate Mirth, since you and your Profession have the least Reason to triumph here of any of us.—I beg, quoth he, that you would reflect a Moment upon the _Cob-Web_ which _Trim_ went so far for, and brought back with an Air of so much Importance, in his Breeches Pocket, to lay upon the Parson’s cut Finger.—This said Cob-Web, Sir, is a fine-spun Satyre, upon the flimsy Nature of one Half of the Shop-Medicines, with which you make a Property of the Sick, the Ignorant, and the Unsuspecting.—And as for the Moral of the _Close-Stool-Pan_, Sir, ’tis too plain, Does not nine Parts in ten of the whole Practice, and of all you vend under _its Colours_, pass into and concenter in that one nasty Utensil?—And let me tell you, Sir, says he, raising his Voice,—had not your unseasonable Mirth blinded you, you might have seen that _Trim_’s carrying the Close-Stool-Pan upon his Head the whole Length of the Town, without blushing, is a pointed Raillery,—and one of the sharpest Sarcasms, Sir, that ever was thrown out upon you;—for it unveils the solemn Impudence of the whole Profession, who, I see, are ashamed of nothing which brings in Money.

There were two Apothecaries in the Club, besides the Surgeon mentioned before, with a Chemist and an Undertaker, who all felt themselves equally hurt and aggrieved by this discourteous Retort:—And they were all five rising up together from their Chairs, with full Intent of Heart, as it was thought, to return the _Reproof Valiant_ thereupon.—But the President, fearing it would end in a general Engagement, he instantly call’d out, _To Order;_—and gave Notice, That if there was any Member in the Club, who had not yet spoke, and yet did desire to speak upon the main Subject of the Debate,—that he should immediately be heard.

This was a happy Invitation for a stammering Member, who, it seems, had but a weak Voice at the best; and having often attempted to speak in the Debate, but to no Purpose, had sat down in utter Despair of an Opportunity.

This Member, you must know, had got a sad Crush upon his Hip, in the late _Election_, which gave him intolerable Anguish;—so that, in short, he could think of nothing else:—For which Cause, and others, he was strongly of Opinion, That the whole _Romance_ was a just Gird at the late _York_ Election; and I think, says he, that the _Promise_ of the _Breeches_ broke, may well and truly signify _Somebody’s else Promise_, which was broke, and occasion’d to much Disturbance amongst us.

Thus every Man turn’d the Story to what was swimming uppermost in his own Brain;—so that, before all was over, there were full as many Satyres spun out of it,—and as great a Variety of Personages, Opinions, Transactions, and Truths, found to lay hid under the dark Veil of its Allegory, as ever were discovered in the thrice-renowned History of the Acts of _Gargantua_ and _Pantagruel_.

At the Close of all, and just before the Club was going to break up,—Mr. President rose from his Chair, and begg’d Leave to make the two following Motions, which were instantly agreed to, without any Division.

_First_, Gentlemen, says he, as _Trim_’s Character in the Romance, of a shuffling intriguing Fellow,—whoever it was drawn for, is, in Truth, as like the _French King_ as it can stare,—I move, That the _Romance_ be forthwith _printed:_—For, continues he, if we can but once turn the Laugh against him, and make him asham’d of what he has done, it may be a great Means, with the Blessing of God upon our Fleets and Armies, to save the Liberties of _Europe_.

In the _second_ Place, I move, That Mr. Attorney, our worthy Member, be desired to take Minutes, upon the Spot, of every Conjecture which has been made upon the _Romance_, by the several Members who have spoke; which, I think, says he, will answer two good Ends:

1st, It will establish the Political Knowledge of our Club for ever, and place it in a respectable Light to all the World.

In the _next_ Place, it will furnish what will be wanted; that is, a _Key_ to the _Romance_.—In troth you might have said a whole Bunch of _Keys_, quoth a Whitesmith, who was the only Member in the Club who had not said something in the Debate: But let me tell you, Mr. President, says he, That the _Right Key_, if it could but be found, would be worth the whole Bunch put together.

To —— ——, Esq; _of_ York.

SIR,

You write me Word that the Letter I wrote to you, and now stiled _The Political Romance_ is printing; and that, as it was drop’d by Carelessness, to make some Amends, you will overlook the Printing of it yourself, and take Care to see that it comes right into the World.

I was just going to return you Thanks, and to beg, withal, you would take Care That the Child be not laid at my Door.—But having, this Moment, perused the _Reply_ to the _Dean_ of _York_’s _Answer_,—it has made me alter my Mind in that respect; so that, instead of making you the Request I intended, I do here desire That the Child be filiated upon me, _Laurence Sterne_, Prebendary of _York_, &c. &c. And I do, accordingly, own it for my own true and lawful Offspring.