Part 2
If you want a receipt for this railroad like Paragon, Get at the wealth of Jim Fair (if you can); The family pride of a Blue Blood from Lexington, Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban, A smack of young Lorillard, reckless and rollicky, Swagger of Kearney leading his gang, The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky; Grace of an odalisque on a divan; The essence delightful of utter civility, Graceful and pleasant lacking servility; Flavor of Hamlet; Charles Surface, a touch of him; Little of Romeo, but not very much of him,-- Beautiful dressed, all buttons and lace, Air of a nobleman, exquisite face.
Take of these elements all that is fusible Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible, Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum, And an Alton conductor is the residuum.
(_Exit_ CONDUCTORS.)
PATIENCE--Such a person as he describes must be truly interesting. But who comes here? One of them, I declare. I must depart. Oh! I must depart.
(_Enter_ GROSVENOR, _sings_.)
HE.
Pretty, pretty maiden, look upon this breast; Hey, but I'm doleful, willow, willow waly! I belong to the best line that's running in the West; Hey, willow waly, oh! Competition, we defy it; Let those who doubt me, try it; Hey, willow waly, oh!
SHE.
Judging by your words, sir, it's the Alton Road you mean; Hey, but he's doleful, willow, willow waly! I'm well aware of the fact, strange as it may seem; Hey, willow waly, oh! You've much to recommend you, If the Alton Road befriend you; Hey, willow, waly, oh!
⁂
GROSVENOR--Oh, Patience, you will break my heart. Don't you know me?
PATIENCE--No, although I have seen people dressed like you before, I do not think that would entitle me to say I knew you.
GROSVENOR--Don't you remember your little playfellow, Archibald? He who used to take you to excursions by the Chicago & Alton to St. Louis?
PATIENCE--Can it be--why, yes, it must be Archibald. I am glad to see you. The remembrance of those visits to St. Louis is still fresh in my memory. So fresh that it is not at all necessary for me to go there again to renew them. But you are changed.
GROSVENOR--I am somewhat taller than when I first knew you; remember that it is nigh on to thir-r-ty years since first we met by the village stream. Ah, Patience, the time has passed lightly enough on me, but with you it is very different.
PATIENCE--And how handsome _you_ look.
GROSVENOR--You are quite right, Patience (_drawing himself up_). I am a Chicago & Alton Railroad Conductor, and _they_ are all very beautiful.
PATIENCE--And that uniform, Archibald!
GROSVENOR--(_Sighs_) Ah, that is the bane of my life. It has the curse of fatal perfection. Since I first put it on I dare not go through the cars and collect tickets without an escort. All the women I meet fall madly in love with me. At the country depot when my train goes through, the entire female population flock out to get a glimpse at me. The life is one of torment.
PATIENCE--Then why do you not cast it away from you, and make yourself a commonplace person like the conductors of other roads?
GROSVENOR--No, Patience, that would be wrong. I have a mission in life. If it be my fortune to be the handsomest conductor on the finest railroad in the World, who am I that I should withhold the contemplation of my gifts from others? But will you love and marry me, Patience?
PATIENCE--(_Pointing to the sign on his hat bearing inscription Chicago & Alton conductor. Sings very much after La Mascotte._)
SHE.
When I behold that magic sign a sweet joy agitates me.
HE.
Ah, Patience, you are right; this uniform must captivate thee.
SHE.
When I look on those beauteous words just like a little chick I tremble.
HE.
The Alton is the greatest line, 'tis useless to dissemble.
SHE.
That more than other roads I love.
HE.
After that 'tis surely you I love.
SHE.
When the engine sounds its puff, puff, puff, puff, puff, puff.
HE.
When the whistle sounds its "WHEW!"
⁂
SHE.
When I look on that braid and buttons a strange awe overcomes me.
HE.
Ah, Patience, 'tis not strange this uniform becomes me.
SHE.
Since I find you are an Alton man, I'll marry now instead of later.
HE.
If Patience did not love that road, I'm sure that I should hate her.
SHE.
That more than other roads I love.
HE.
After that 'tis surely you I love.
SHE.
When the agent sweetly murmurs, Tickets, tickets, tickets.
HE.
When the brakeman gently gasps, How-oo-l-ng changekyarsfromummmsbrymummumspassgersfiminitsfreshments.
⁂
GROSVENOR--Then you will marry me, Patience? Ah, this is too much! (_Goes to clasp her in his arms._)
PATIENCE--But stop. I never thought of this. Love to be pure must be unselfish. If I marry you I shall deprive others of your beautiful presence, and the travelling public will know you no more. That would be selfish, and therefore I must not love you.
GROSVENOR--Oh, fatal perfection, again you stand in the way of my happiness; but you are right, Patience, you are right. (_Sings._)
HE.
Marry me, fair maiden, from my heart 'twill take a load Hey, but I'm hopeful, willow, willow waly, I'm the handsomest conductor on the Chicago & Alton Road; Hey, willow waly, oh! My salary is modest, My intentions are quite honest; Hey, willow waly, oh!
SHE.
Gentle sir, 'tis true, 'twould be difficult to find: Hey, but he's hopeful, willow, willow waly, A personage more handsome and perfect in his mind Hey, willow waly, oh! Still I would not marry, So, prithee do not tarry; Hey, willow waly, oh!
(_Exit_ PATIENCE _sobbing_. GROSVENOR _remains in an attitude of grief._)
GROSVENOR--(_after a pause_). It must be written. The only woman I love is denied me while all others that I do not love are showered at my head. Perhaps some of you may envy my condition. If you do, follow this little bit of advice and you may soon find yourself as burdened with love as I am. (_Sings._)
If you're anxious for to shine in the highest railroad line as a man of genius rare, You must get up all the germs of the grandest railroad terms and plant them everywhere; You must smile at all the ladies, and be good to all the babies in a manner that is most kind; It really doesn't matter how much they cry and chatter or if they talk you deaf and blind. And everyone will say As you walk your cheerful way, If this young man behaves himself in the manner that we see, Why, what a very singularly nice young man this Alton man must be!
⁂
* * * * *
GRIFFIN & WELLS FOUNDRY CO.
RAILROAD CAR, ENGINE AND STREET CAR WHEELS.
Annual Capacity, 50,000 Wheels.
Rates Secured and Shipments made to all parts of the West and South. Contracts made for Yearly or Other Supply. Mileage or Time Guarantee Given. All Orders and Correspondence will receive prompt attention. References furnished.
OFFICE AND WORKS: Paulina St., South of Blue Island Ave. CHICAGO.
* * * * *
THOS. F. GRIFFIN & SONS,
MANUFACTURERS OF
CAR WHEELS AND CASTINGS
OFFICE AND WORKS: } Cor. of Forest Ave. and N. Y. C. & H. R. R. R. } BUFFALO, N. Y.
* * * * *
GRIFFIN CAR WHEEL CO.
RAILROAD CAR WHEELS AND CASTINGS.
Annual Capacity, 100,000 Wheels. 10,000 Tons Castings.
Rates Secured and Shipments made to all parts of the United States. Special attention given to Car and Engine Wheels for Railroad Use. Mileage Guaranteed. Contracts made for Yearly or Other Supply. Correspondence Solicited.
OFFICE AND WORKS: } Cor. Foundry St. & Michigan Central R.R. } DETROIT, MICH.
* * * * *
THE
GRIFFIN WHEEL
MANUFACTURED BY
GRIFFIN CAR WHEEL CO.
DETROIT, MICH.
GRIFFIN & WELLS FOUNDRY CO.
CHICAGO, ILL.
THOS. F. GRIFFIN & SON,
BUFFALO, N. Y.
COMBINED DAILY CAPACITY,
800 Wheels per Day and 60 Tons Castings.
EXTRA HEAVY WHEELS FOR ENGINE AND PASSENGER SERVICE.
ALL MILEAGE GUARANTEED.
* * * * *
Be attentive to the old, don't growl and never scold, but to all be just and fair, And convince 'em if you can that the conductors of your road are fraught with culture rare. Take your tickets with a smile, whatever may be there to guile, and teach them all to pine For the exquisite politeness of the affable conductors of the Chicago and Alton Line. And everyone will say As you walk your mystic way, If everything connected with the Alton Road is as good as what I see, Oh, what a very cultivated sort of road this Alton Road must be!
⁂
Be kind in disposition, bear in mind that your position is one in which you shine, As a man of great perfection on account of your connection with the Chicago and Alton Line Though the emigrants may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in a high æsthetic band You always must remember that you are a valued member of the railroad of the land. And everyone will say, As you walk your stately way If he's a sample of the Alton Road, the Alton Road, oh, me! Why, what a very cultivated sort of road the Alton road must be!
(_Re-enter maidens fair and numerous._)
ANGELA--This love for yon young Grosvenor is joy. (_All sigh._)
(GROSVENOR _starts and endeavors to escape but is prevented_.)
GROSVENOR--Really, ladies, you must excuse me, I have to meet a fellow.
ALL--We know, but deign us a few moments of your precious time. Let us gaze upon your beauteous exterior, if only for a brief while.
GROSVENOR--But, ladies, to what end? I never can be yours. Of course it is my duty to let you gaze on me as you would gaze on any other beautiful product of nature, else why am I in this world? But you cannot turn me from my love. Remember the story of the old man and the railroad runners.
ALL--But we don't know the story of the old man and the railroad runners.
GROSVENOR--Don't you? Then I'll sing it to you.
_Sings._
An old man sat in a railroad shop, And all around was a loving crop Of runners and agents with smile sublime, Working that man for their favorite line. But for agents the old man felt no whim; Tho' he charmed them they charmed not him; From agents and runners and smiles he strode, For he'd set his love on the Alton Road. The Alton Road, The Alton Road. Their most æsthetic, peripatetic Fancies this way ran: If others we wheedle, why, we indeed'll Wheedle this queer old man.
CHORUS:
Their most æsthetic, peripatetic Fancies this way ran. If others we wheedle, why we indeed'll Wheedle this queer old man.
⁂
The runners and agents expressed surprise; The conductors opened their well-drilled eyes. The runners, they felt shut up, no doubt, And the agents they found themselves cut out. But the queer old man was as solid as stone, "It's the Alton Road that takes me home" That's what he cried, that queer old boy. "And it's the only road that gives me joy."
That queer old man, That queer old man. These most æsthetic, peripatetic Runners skipped and ran; For by no means ever can agent ever Corrupt that queer old man.
CHORUS:
These most æsthetic, peripatetic Runners skipped and ran; For by no means ever can agent ever Corrupt that queer old man.
(_All off dancing except_ GROSVENOR, _who remains seated on a trunk checked through to San Francisco via the Chicago and Alton_. _He is buried in reverie. Enter back the Grand Commander of the Conductors' Association_, COLONEL BLUE.)
G· C·--There he is--he, a simple conductor, and yet he cut us all out. Even I, the Grand Commander of all conductors, even I am cut out. But it must end, and end now. (_Comes down to_ GROSVENOR.) Ah! so we meet at last.
GROSVENOR--Happy man.
G· C·--None of that nonsense with me, and now to business. Ever since you joined our band, things have gone wrong. Before you came the women loved _me_--yes, sir, _me_, and they followed _me_ about everywhere, and now you have come and everything is changed. It is you they run after, but I tell you it must cease.
GROSVENOR--Is it my fault if they all fall in love with me? You, of course, who are not endowed with all the disadvantages of beauty, cannot know what I have to put up with.
G· C·--Then change it all--destroy your beauty!
GROSVENOR--That would be impossible.
G· C·--Cut your hair, let your beard grow, get another uniform, and, in fact, make yourself a commonplace young man.
GROSVENOR--Again I say that would be impossible.
G· C·--Do you know that I am a bad man when I am crossed? If you do not do what I desire, perhaps I might curse you. (GROSVENOR _starts_.) Ah me.
GROSVENOR--It cannot be.
G· C·--Then beware--may the curse of your aunt be upon you. Ah, ha!
GROSVENOR--I have no aunt.
G· C·--Then may the curse of your grandmother be upon you. Ah, ha!
GROSVENOR--I never had a grandmother.
G· C·--I will have you expelled from our order, I will have you blackballed from every benevolent association in the land, I will lay traps to humiliate you, I will bring misery and disgrace upon your family, I will cause your financial ruin, and I will kill the girl you love.
GROSVENOR--(_indifferently_) I care not.
G· C·--I will have you discharged from the Chicago & Alton Railroad Company.
GROSVENOR--(_Goes on his knees and shrieks_) Oh, say not so!
G· C·--Ah, ha! but I do say so.
GROSVENOR--Oh, be merciful as you are strong. Beat me, ruin me, kill me, but do not let me leave the Alton.
G· C·--Then do as I command you; become a commonplace young man.
GROSVENOR--I will, but remember that I do it on compulsion. (_Sings._)
A most unique young man, Who runs the car young man, Polite to the ladies And kind to the babies, A remarkably nice young man.
Conceive me if you can, A C. & A. young man, Who is lavish in dress, And runs the express, A most unique young man.
⁂
A highly colored young man, A Pullman car young man, Whose name is Dalton; Who runs on the Alton, A thoro' bred black-and-tan.
Conceive me if you can, A button and lace young man, Who tends to yer' daughters, Looks arter yer' quarters, A most polite young man.
⁂
A grimy, rough old man, A tough and bluff old man, Who swears like an Injun, And runs the engine, A Chicago and Alton man.
Conceive me if you dare, A whizzing thro' the air, A puffing and blowing, Raining or snowing, And every time I'm there.
⁂
Another grim old man, A sooty and jolly old man, "I tends to the boiler; Sometimes I oil her," A C. & A. stoker old man.
Conceive me if you can, A spruce and clean old man; It's only a fable, I know you're not able, I'm such a sooty old man.
⁂
A dainty, timid young man, A handle-your-baggage young man, Who never does smash it, And never says dash it, A typical C. & A. man.
Conceive me if you can, A most polite young man, Who's always urbane, And never profane, A Y. M. C. A. young man.
⁂
A suave and bland young man, A scented and puffed young man Who sells you a ticket, Thro' a nice little wicket, A thoroughly Alton man.
Conceive me if you can, A most urbane young man. Correct in my money, Sweet as new honey, A perfectly good young man.
⁂
GENERAL CHORUS.
We're all of us railroad men, Genial, jolly-souled men; Some of us pretty, All of us witty, Chicago & Alton men.
Conceive us if you will, Jolly old bucks, but still We're always on time, And belong to the line That's right on the top of the hill.
(_Exit_ GROSVENOR, _dancing_. _Enter_ PATIENCE.)
G· C·--Ah, Patience, I am glad you are here. I will again renew my suit.
PATIENCE--I sew no more, Grand Commander; I am a dairy maid now.
G· C·--I do not mean that, fair Patience; I mean that I will again renew my request for your hand. Will you marry me?
PATIENCE--Do you drink?
G· C·--I do.
PATIENCE--Are you a gambler?
G· C·--I am.
PATIENCE--Do you smoke and chew tobacco, pick your teeth with a pin, wear dirty collars, sit on saloon railings, shake dice for the drinks in basement ginshops, and borrow money from your friends?
G· C·--I do.
PATIENCE--Do you write scurrilous anonymous letters about your female relatives in the newspapers? Do you malign your friends, act the part of a professional witness in divorce cases, and systematically breed trouble in happy domestic circles?
G· C·--I do.
PATIENCE--Then I will marry you. I cannot love you, but I will marry you.
G· C·--That makes no difference as long as you will marry me.
(_Enter_ GROSVENOR _as a commonplace conductor on the Chicago & Alton Railroad, accompanied by_ ANGELA, SAPHIR, _and others_.)
GROSVENOR--(_Sings._)
Conceive me if you can, An every-day young man, A commonplace type, With a stick and a pipe, An every-day young man.
PATIENCE--What is this I see, Grosvenor--Archibald with his hair cut! Oh, Archibald, is it you? Can it be that you are indeed a common person once more?
GROSVENOR--It is. I am still connected with the Chicago & Alton Railroad, it is true, but I am once more a commonplace young man.
PATIENCE--Then to love you would not be selfish, Archibald, I have promised to marry the Grand Commander if I live or die; but that makes no difference, I love you and am yours forever.
G· C·--This is too much. Then I am jilted?
PATIENCE--Do not let that worry you, Grand Commander. You will find another who will be ready to appreciate the many advantages to be derived from a marriage with a man of your attainments.
(ANGELA, SAPHIR, _and other fair maidens together_.)
Yes, choose from among us.
(_Enter conductors--each one takes a fair one under his wing._)
GROSVENOR--May you all be happy, and may you all live to learn that to be perfectly utter in your walk of life, the goal has been reached when you become a conductor on the Chicago & Alton Railroad.
ALL--We know it.
(QUICK CURTAIN.)
SHUMWAY, BURGESS & CO.
BOLT MAKERS.
BOLT HEADING AND NUT TAPPING MACHINES FOR SALE.
COR. MICHIGAN AND FRANKLIN STS.,
CHICAGO.
* * * * *
VULCAN IRON WORKS, 80 to 90 N. Clinton St., Chicago.
Steam Excavators.--RAILROAD CAR PILE DRIVERS--Steam Derricks.
FITTED UP WITH
SKINNER'S PATENT STEAM HAMMERS,
A very effective machine,--simple, automatic and durable,--with recent improvements.
CHICAGO & ALTON RAILROAD COMPANY, OFFICE OF GENERAL ROADMASTER,
BLOOMINGTON, ILL., Oct. 30, 1882.
W. H. WARRINGTON, ESQ., President Vulcan Iron Works.--DEAR SIR: The Skinner Pile Driver Hammer, built by your Company, has been in use on our Pile Driver Car since last April, and we are much pleased with its work. It has always given entire satisfaction, doing the work effectively and economically. Respectfully yours,
W. RILEY, Gen'l Roadmaster.
* * * * *
THE CHICAGO VARNISH CO.
Manufacturers of the Celebrated
"STANDARD RAILWAY VARNISHES."
Verdict of more than Thirty Roads now using them;
"UNEQUALED FOR RAILWAY PURPOSES."
OFFICE,--204 PINE STREET,--CHICAGO.
* * * * *
MEACHAM & WRIGHT,
MANUFACTURERS' AGENTS FOR
UTICA AND LOUISVILLE
HYDRAULIC CEMENTS,
AND DEALERS IN
Lime, Michigan and New York Stucco and Portland Cement,
98 MARKET STREET,
TELEPHONE 434. CHICAGO.
* * * * *
A. E. ADAMS, Prest. and Treas. L. WILKINSON, Supt. FRED. M. STEELE, Secy.
CHICAGO FORGE & BOLT CO.
MANUFACTURERS OF
LOCOMOTIVE AND CAR AXLES,
_Bridge and Dock Rods_,
Equalizing Bars, Shafting & Stonework of all Kinds, Plates, Washers, Angles,
Bolts and Hot Pressed Nuts of Every Description.
CHICAGO. WORKS AT SOUTH CHICAGO. Telephone No. 9846.
* * * * *
JONES & LAUGLINS.
MANUFACTURERS OF
BAR, SHEET AND PLATE IRON,
Bridge Iron, Cut Nails and Spikes, Railroad and Boat Spikes, Light T Rails, Patent Cold Rolled Shafting, Patent Cold Rolled Iron and Steel Piston Rods, Coupling Links and Pins.
DEALERS IN
RAILWAY SUPPLIES
AND HEAVY HARDWARE.
Lake and Canal Sts.,--- Chicago.
* * * * *
CHICAGO AND NEW YORK.
The two cities above named are the great commercial centers of the United States, the former containing in the vicinity of 650,000 inhabitants, and the latter about 1,500,000. The number of people actually in Chicago at any one time would doubtless range far above these figures, as its floating or transient population is enormous, running up into figures that can hardly be credited. The traffic passing between these two cities daily is very large when one considers that they are within a fraction of 1,000 miles apart. Boston also has a large traffic with Chicago, and to give an idea of the accommodations necessary to provide for the passenger business alone between the three cities, we may state that the
Michigan Central Railroad,
which is the principal thoroughfare between the cities named, runs five express trains daily--three on Sundays--made up of fine new day coaches, smoking cars, drawing-room cars, palatial sleeping cars.