Part 2

But I will go on to tell of my difficulties. After I came over the bay, I went to see my wife, but was still in trouble; and it was thought best to leave the state of Virginia and go to Dover, and then if my master came after me, to bring suit at Dover, and have a trial for my freedom. The distance from where I then was to Dover, was about one hundred and twenty miles: so I started and travelled at nights, and lay by in the day time. I went on northwards, with great fear and anxiety of mind. It abode on my mind that I should meet with some difficulty before I got to Dover: however I tried to study on the promises of the Almighty, and so travelled on until I came to a place called Anderson’s Cross-Roads; and there I met with the greatest trial I ever met with in all my distress. But the greater the trial, the greater the benefit, if the mind be but staid on that everlasting arm of power, whom the winds and the waves obey. It was so, that I called at them cross-roads, to enquire the way to Camden, and I thought I would go to the kitchen, where the black people were; but when the door was opened, it was a white man I saw, of a portly appearance, with a sulky down look. Now the day was just a breaking: he raised up out of his bed, and came towards the door and began to examine me, and I did not know what to say to him; so he soon entangled me in my own talk, and said, I doubt you are a lying: I said I scorn to lie; but I felt very weak and scared, and soon bid him farewell and started. I went some distance along the road, and then went into the woods, and leaned my back against a tree to study, and soon fell to sleep; and when I waked, the sun was up, and I said to myself, if I stand sleeping about here, and that man that examined me in the morning comes to look for me and finds me, he may tie me before I get awake; for the poor fellow that came across the bay with me told me, that he travelled all night, and in the morning he met a coloured man, and passed on, and went into the woods and lay down, and went to sleep; and he said there came white men and tied him, and waked him up to go before the justice; but so it was, he got away from them and found me at Petersburgh. So considering on what he had told me, and that man’s examining me in the morning, made me I did not know what to do. I concluded to look for a thick place and lay down, and then another thought came into my mind, and that was, to look for a thin place, and there lie down. So I concluded to do so; withal I thought to take a sally downwards, as I enquired of the man to go upwards, I thought by going a little downwards, would be a dodge, and so I should miss him: I thought this plan would do. I then looked for a thin place, and lay down and slept till about nine o’clock, and then waked; and when I awoke, I felt very strange: I said to myself I never felt so in all my distress: I said something was going to happen to me to-day. So I studied about my feelings until I fell to sleep, and when I awoke, there had come two birds near to me; and seeing the little strange looking birds, it roused up all my senses; and a thought came quick into my mind that these birds were sent to caution me to be away out of this naked place; that there was danger at hand. And as I was about to start, it came into my mind with great energy and force, “if you move out of this circle this day, you will be taken;” for I saw the birds went all round me: I asked myself what this meant, and the impression grew stronger, that I must stay in the circle which the birds made. At the same time a sight of my faults came before me, and a scanty sight of the highness and holiness of the great Creator of all things. And now, reader, I will assure thee I was brought very low, and I earnestly asked what I should do: and while I waited to be instructed, my mind was guided back to the back countries, where I left the waggons about sixty or seventy miles from Richmond, towards the sun-setting; and a question arose in my mind, how I got along all that way, and to see if I could believe that the great God had helped me notwithstanding my vileness. I said in my heart, it must be the Lord, or I could not have got along, and the moment I believed in his help, it was confirmed in my mind, if he had begun to help me, and if he did send those birds, he would not let anything come into the circle the birds had made; I therefore tried to confirm myself in the promises of God, and concluded to stay in the circle; and so being weary, travelling all night, I soon fell to sleep; and when I awaked, it was by the noise of the same man that examined me in the morning, and another man, an old conjuror, for so I called him. And the way they waked me was by their walking in the leaves, and coming right towards me. I was then sitting on something about nine inches high from the ground, and when I opened my eyes and saw them right before me, and I in that naked place, and the sun a shining down on me about eleven o’clock, I was struck with dread, but was afraid to move hand or foot: I sat there, and looked right at them; and thought I, here they come right towards me; and the first thought that struck my mind was, am I a going to sit here until they come and lay hands on me? I knew not what to do; but so it was, there stood a large tree about eleven or twelve yards from me, and another big tree had fallen with the top limbs round it: and so it was, through divine goodness, they went the other side of the tree, and the tree that had fallen, was between them and me. Then I fell down flat upon my face, on the ground; as I raised up my head to look, I saw the actions of this old craftsman; he had a stick like a surveyor’s rod; he went along following his stick very diligently. The young man that examined me in the morning, had a large club, with the big end downwards, and the small end in his hand; he looked first one side, and then on the other: the old man kept on away past me about sixty yards, and then stopped; and I heard him say, “he h’ant gone this way.” Then he took his stick and threw it over his shoulder, and pointed this way and that way, until he got it right towards me; and then I heard him say, “come let us go this way.” Then he turned his course and came right towards me: then I trembled, and cried in my heart to the Lord, and said, what shall I do? what shall I do? and it was impressed on my mind immediately, “Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord;” the word that was spoken to the children of Israel when at the Red Sea. And I said in my heart, bless the Lord, O my soul; I will try the Lord this time. Here they come; and still that word sounded in my heart; “Stand still and see the salvation of the Lord.” They came not quite so near me as the circle the birds had made, when the old man sheered off, and went by me; but the young man stopped and looked right down on me, as I thought, and I looked right up into his eyes; and then he stood and looked right into my eyes, and when he turned away, he ran after the old man, and I thought he saw me; but when he overtook the old man, he kept on, and then I knew he had not seen me. Then I said, bless the Lord, he that gave sight to man’s eyes, hath kept him from seeing me this day: I looked up among the trees, and said, how dreadful is this place. I said, two great powers have met here this day; the power of darkness, and the power of God; and the power of God has overthrown the power of darkness for me a sinner. I thought I must jump and shout, but another thought struck my mind, that it was not a right time to shout; I therefore refrained. But my heart was overwhelmed at the sight of the goodness and power of God, and his gracious readiness to help the stranger in distress: though he is high, yet hath he respect unto the lowly. It is a solemn truth, he is nigh to all them that call on him, with a view to his greatness and their own nothingness: I felt greatly at loss to know how to adore him according to his excellent greatness. I said, has the maker of heaven and earth took my part? I said again, what could all the world do in comparison with him? I now believed if every body in the world was engaged against me, that he was able to deliver me out of their hands.

After a while I moved out of that place, and went away to a small stream of water, and staid there a little while, and then went out of that neighbourhood. But whether I did right or not, I know not; for in moving out of that circle so quickly, I became so bewildered as to be quite lost, and did not know what course to take, or what to do; and I thought it was because my faith failed me so quickly. Oh! what pains God doth take to help his otherwise helpless creatures. O that his kindness and care were more considered and laid to heart, and then there would not be that cause to complain that “the ox knoweth his owner, and the ass his master’s crib, but Israel doth not know, my people doth not consider.” Oh! how marvellous is his loving-kindness toward people of every description, both high and low, rich and poor. O that all people would study to please him, for his goodness and his power; for his wisdom is great, and he knoweth how to deliver all those that look unto him, and will pass by none, no not the least of all his human creatures; and he will make them see that they are of more value than many sparrows; and that they are not their own, but that they are bought with a price.

Now unto the king immortal, invisible, the only wise God, be glory and honour, dominion and power, now and for ever. Amen.

After this, my understanding was opened to see for what purpose this last trial had happened unto me; and it was impressed on my mind that I had come through difficulties and troubles, in order that my faith and confidence might be tried; and that I might be made strong in the faith to believe that so high and holy an one, who had thus marvellously preserved me, would hereafter help so poor an object as me, out of his great mercy and condescension, and that I might be afraid again to sin against his majesty, who had suffered me to be thus sorely tried, that I might see the greatness of my past transgressions, and his boundless loving-kindness and mercy.

END OF PART I.

SECOND PART.

[What follows, was written and communicated to me at my request, but without any idea on the part of the writer, of the purpose to which I designed it; the originals of which, if desired, may be seen by application to me, in order to satisfy any who might feel a doubt with regard to the faithfulness of the transcript. I can however, assure the reader, that the alterations I have ventured to make, have been almost altogether confined to the spelling.--R. H.]

7th Mo. 24, 1799, I got to Camden. I will yet go on to shew the reader my uneasiness of mind after I got to Camden. I then thought I wanted a preparation to adore the goodness of God, that had begun with me in the back countries, and had brought me through so many difficulties; but with shame I must confess, I sang his praise, but soon forgot his works: yet the great God pitied me, and exercised a careful constant mind towards me, for my good: Oh! how deceitful is the heart of man.

But not long after I got to Camden, my master came from the state of Virginia, to Camden, Kent County, state of Delaware, where he found me; whereas he had not seen me since he put me aboard of the back country waggon, which, as I suppose, is near three or four hundred miles from Camden: upon first sight he asked me what I was a going to do? I says, how, master? he asked me, how did I think I was a going to get free, by running and dodging about in that manner? I said, why, master, I have suffered a great deal, and seen a great deal of trouble, I think you might let me go for little or nothing: he said, I wont do that, but I will give you the same chance I gave you before I sent you away; give me forty pounds bond and security, and you may be free: but I replied, I work hard at nights to get a little money to fee my lawyers, and if it had been right for me to be free, I ought to have been free without so much trouble; he asked me who I blamed for my trouble? I answered, I did not consider that I was to blame: Ah! said he, you can see other people’s faults, but cannot see your own. I said, master, you can’t blame me for a thing I never did; Ah! said he, my wrongs don’t make your’s right, and that word put me to silence; but I thought where the laws of the land made liberty the right of any man, he could, not be wrong in trying to recover it: but finally he sold me my time for eighty dollars and I dropped the lawsuit. I went to work, and worked it out in a shorter time than he gave me, and then I was free from man.

And when I came to think that the yoke was off my neck, and how it was taken off, I was made to wonder, and to admire, and to adore the order of kind providence, which assisted me in all the way. But I found in me a disposition to wander from the path of life, and forget the favour bestowed upon me, and went astray too shameful to be mentioned.

But in this lost condition there came a reasoning to me, to consider where I was a going, and where I should end; and to consider on the shortness of time, and the length of eternity: and a thought came into my mind, assuring me that my life was in the hand of God, and that he was looking for better behaviour from me; and that he was angry with me every day; and that he had whetted his sword, and made ready his arrows to shoot at me. Then my understanding began to be enlightened, to see my dreadful state by nature; and the more I considered on the nature and heinousness of my sin, both in thought, word, and deed, the more I was distressed in mind; but I found the sentence of death was passed against me, and it pressed on my mind, if I kept on going against light, I should soon feel the heat of the burning lake, or the misery of those that are driven to darkness at death. And when I considered the power of God, and for that power to be poured out upon me to all eternity, I began then to examine into my state and condition, and I found I had a falling spirit, prone to evil as the sparks fly upward; then I set myself to think how I could escape the misery that was coming on me. I considered my punishment would be as bad as those that went to darkness in old time: then I began to consider what God had done to save mankind from that fearful condition; and while I thought on the many ways he had taken to shew his earnest mind to save sinners, this consideration moderated my distress; but when I remembered my own ways that were not good, I felt ashamed even to lift my eyes to heaven to ask pardon for my sins; but the shortness of time, and the length of awful eternity, so arrested my mind, that I was made to realize eternal misery, and to cry like Jonah, as out of the belly of hell, for mercy and for pardon for all my sins. Oh! the thought of being amongst that black crew, when the Lord rains down snares, fire, and brimstone, and horribleness, terrified me much.

And now, reader, I will here record that God is rich in mercy, towards sinners of the deepest die; for when every other method failed, to shew his steadfast mind to save me, he sent a little boy to me with his finger at a text in a sermon book, “The wicked is driven away in his wickedness, but the righteous hath hope in his death;” the same text I had heard a methodist preacher take on a funeral occasion; then that little boy coming to me with his finger pointing at the same in the sermon book, it was about noon, the people nearly all gone to meeting, and I reading very earnest in the Testament: I took the book and began to read, and it pleased infinite goodness to look on me from the throne of his highness, and being unwilling that I should perish eternally, he sent down his awakening power, and I was made to quake and tremble; and an impression abode on my mind, that God was a true, and a just, and a holy God, and that no unclean thing could rest in his holy habitation. I saw I was a sinner condemned to die, but a call reached my soul, “take heed that you entertain no hopes of heaven, but what are built on a solid foundation;” a question arose in my mind, what foundation I had to hope for heaven? I examined and found I had none but what was built on the sand, and at death I must fall into hell; which caused a cry to be started from my heart to my maker, what I should do? a thought passed through my mind to make a resolution to amend my way, and turn and be good, but a second thought came powerfully into my mind, if I made another resolution and broke it as I had done, the door of mercy would be for ever shut against me. Then the good spirit brought to my mind the dangers and deaths from which I had been delivered, through the mercy of an indulgent God, and how I had called on him in trouble and he delivered me, and had answered me in the secret place of thunder; and it was pressed on my mind, that it was too dangerous to make another fool’s start: then I sensed to be in the wilderness, not knowing what to do: a thought arose in my mind, you have got into a pretty fix now, afraid even to make a resolution of amendment; then an enquiry again arose in my heart, from that depth of thought, what I should do? at the same time the hand-writing of God appeared against me, and that power that once shook the earth, shook my soul and body: it pressed on my mind, that it was the great power of God: and that word came into my mind, “they that resist shall receive to themselves damnation;” at the same time, the spirit of truth brought all things to my remembrance, my sins old and new, little and big, and I saw how hateful they all were in the sight of a holy God. Now let the Lord be praised both now and for ever, for the exceeding riches of his grace to all who will look at their sins, and his goodness, and consider and think, before it be too late, and be sorry, and turn from the evil of their ways, that they may understand the truth.

And now, reader, attend to the word sent to me in my distress, which was this: “believe on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved.” Oh! then, and not till then, did I ever desire saving faith; but I could not attain to it by all the exertion I could make: but Oh! reader, I found here in my distress, that faith is the gift of God, and that grace is not sown in the heart, till the heart is broken and contrite; that is, in earnest to study and enter into the saving plan of life and salvation, which is: “Let the wicked, forsake his way, and the unrighteous man his thoughts, and let them turn unto the Lord, and he will have mercy upon him, and abundantly pardon all that is passed.” But when I was put to the test to try my faith, I found I had none: then in the bitterness of my spirit, I desired the Lord to give me to feel the power of saving faith; and I struggled to lay hold on that word, “Ask and ye shall receive, seek and ye shall find;” but a question made me quake--which question was this: is your heart right? then I trembled, but could not tell whether my heart was right or not; and while I desired to know myself, this form passed through my mind; “Are you willing now to renounce the devil and all his works, and all the pomp and vanity of this wicked world, and all the sinful lusts of the flesh;” and I was enabled in my sinking, distressed state, to forsake every forbidden way for the sake of peace and pardon.--Then did God send down the power of saving faith; then, Oh! how terrible I saw the length, and breadth, and depth, and height of God’s eternal law: I also saw that heaven and earth would pass away, before one jot or tittle of his law should fail, or fall to the ground. Man must be converted, or never enter into the kingdom of heaven. A thought came into my heart, to go out to some secret place to pray; and as I walked, I trembled, and when I got to the place, I could only pray, “Lord have mercy upon me.” I cried as if falling into black despair, and having consented to forsake every wrong way, God, for Christ’s sake, had mercy on me, and pardoned my sins: Glory be to God, for ever and ever, Amen. Oh! praise the Lord, whose mercy is over all his works, from generation to generation, who hath put down the mighty from their seats, and hath exalted them of low degree, and ever holds his servant Israel in remembrance of his mercy. Oh! how faithful and true he is, to all who will yield to the striving of his spirit in their own hearts, before it takes its everlasting flight. Oh! how careful ought we to be, for fear we be left to ourselves; then blindness of mind, and hardness of heart will take place, and the soul be left to stumble on the dark mountains of unbelief, on which many have stumbled since the world began for not following the light that visits their mind; which appeareth in youth, and continueth with some shorter, and some longer, according to the entertainment this heavenly messenger gets in the hearts of all people. Oh! reader, think how many are now in the road to ruin, who are still slighting the call of grace; and if they keep on, must overtake them that are there already; and now I pray that none that sees this, may ever go another step towards the pit, from whence there is no return.

“Oh! that all may taste and see “The riches of his grace: “The arms of love that compass me, “Would all mankind embrace!”

Having given the reader a short account of the abundant mercy bestowed on me by a bountiful God, who is engaged to raise poor sinners from a depth of sin and shame, to the height of happiness and glory; and if they yield to him he will do it, for faithful is he that has called you, who also will do it, if ye be willing and obedient. I now return to give the reader an account of the difficulties I met with, in buying my wife.