Part 2

ETHEL. Don't they? That's the very reason, then, why we should interrupt them. Would you kindly let me take your arm?

CAPT. With pleasure.

ETHEL. Won't it be delightful?

CAPT. Oh, enchanting! To recline against the balustrade, and listen to the sighing of the sad sea waves. (_barrel organ starts outside_)

ETHEL. Oh, there's that dreadful barrel organ. Please do stop it.

CAPT. (_runs to window_) There, there, my good fellow. He won't stop. My good man, please--It's no go. Stop that row, you noisy vagabond! He _won't_ stop.

ETHEL. Oh, I'd give him something. He won't go unless you do.

CAPT. You'll give him something, did you say?

ETHEL. I said, I would, if I were you.

CAPT. Oh, just so. Look here, you! I'll give you--(_organ stops_)--into custody! (_organ begins again_) How much? He says it's sixpence if he plays and eighteen-pence to go away.

ETHEL. Well, give him eighteen-pence.

CAPT. You'll give him eighteen-pence?

ETHEL. He would not care for me. You'd better give it him.

CAPT. Oh, certainly. (_pulls money out_) Dear me, I haven't got a sixpence.

ETHEL. Haven't you? I daresay he wouldn't mind two shillings.

CAPT. (_aside_) This is deucedly expensive. (_throws a coin_) There, you scoundrel! (_organ stops_) And now, might I have the pleasure? (_offering arm_)

ETHEL. (_taking it_) Would you take my fan?

CAPT. I shall be charmed. These English beggars have such barbarous instruments. (_the bagpipes start_).

ETHEL. There that's the Scotchman. He's the worst of all. Pray do get rid of him. The bagpipes always make we ill.

CAPT. (_again at window_) My dear good fellow--you infernal rascal, stop that hideous din!

ETHEL. Oh, send him off--do send him off. I'm going to be so ill.

CAPT. Hi! How much will you go away for? What? He says he never goes away for less than half-a-crown.

ETHEL. He doesn't. The bagpipes never do. They know that they can get the money. Give it him.

CAPT. (_aside_) I shall be ruined. (_throws another coin_) There! Be off! (_they cease_) Now, shall we go?

ETHEL. Would you relieve me of my shawl?

CAPT. Delighted, I am sure. (_they move slowly towards the window, R., arm in arm, he bowing down to her, she smiling up at him_)

_Re-enter EDWIN through L. window._

EDWIN. I'm getting on tremendously with Miss Carruthers. This is great fun; I do like a little change. Now, if Ethel wasn't so absurdly fond of me--if she would only flirt a bit--(_perceiving her_) Holloa! It strikes me she is flirting a bit. (_BOY outside has just commenced to sing_)

ETHEL. Oh, really, Captain Plunger!

BOY. (_singing_) "And the captain with his whiskers stole a sly glance at me."

EDWIN. Oh, come, I say, you know. It strikes me Ethel's flirting a good deal. It seems _she_ likes a little change. This isn't such great fun after all.

ETHEL. I hope that no one will disturb us.

CAPT. I'd advise them not.

_Exeunt through R. window._

EDWIN. (_who has come round gradually, R._) Oh, hang it, I'll go after them. This isn't fun at all.

_Exit through same window._

_Re-enter MRS. PLUNGER through L. window._

MRS. P. Where's Mr. Larkspur got to I should like to know? I'm not going to be left in this way, I can tell him.

_Re-enter ETHEL, through L. window._

ETHEL. There they both are. Won't there be a row?

MRS. P. My dearest Ethel!

ETHEL. Oh my darling Alice! (_they embrace_)

MRS. P. I've been having such fun.

ETHEL. So have I.

MRS. P. I'm in the middle of a desperate flirtation.

ETHEL. That's exactly what I'm coming to myself.

MRS. P. Ah, but my dear, you don't know what flirtation is. Wait till you're married. Then's the time.

ETHEL. But _you're_ not married?

MRS. P. I'm not married! Why, my dear, where have you been this age? I made sure everybody knew that I was married this day week.

ETHEL. I've no doubt you endeavoured to let everybody know, my love; but being away upon my honeymoon, I didn't hear of it.

MRS. P. What are _you_ married too?

ETHEL. Good gracious! You didn't know that I was married ten days ago! Where have you been this century?

MRS. P. Then, we've both of us got husbands.

ETHEL. But I got mine first.

MRS. P. Perhaps so. You were always in a hurry to get married.

ETHEL. Was I, love? Then I'd a fault which you had not, for everyone says you've been long enough about it.

MRS. P. It's quite true I didn't snap at the first offer that was made to me.

ETHEL. You didn't snap at it, indeed; you were uncommon civil to it. So polite, in fact, that you accepted it.

MRS. P. The offer that my husband made to me was not the first by any means.

ETHEL. Then it's true, is it? I had heard that he'd proposed to several other girls before.

MRS. P. How could you, when you hadn't heard I was married?

ETHEL. But I had heard you were going to be.

MRS. P. Then, why were you astonished when you found I was?

ETHEL. Because, my love, I had dismissed the rumour as incredible.

MRS. P. And who did rumour say had got possession of me?

ETHEL. Rumour didn't say that anyone had got possession of you, dear; it said that you had got possession of him.

MRS. P. Of whom?

ETHEL. I really couldn't catch his name--they spoke of him as "that poor fellow."

MRS. P. I don't think that Captain Plunger stands in need of their commiseration.

ETHEL. Captain Plunger! What, is Captain Plunger married?

MRS. P. Captain Plunger is.

ETHEL. And yet he had the impudence to make me think he wasn't?

MRS. P. Do you mean to say it's Captain Plunger you've been flirting with?

ETHEL. For all the world as if he was a bachelor! the wretch!

MRS. P. The monster! But I'm even with him; for he can't have flirted half as hard with you as I have done with Mr. Larkspur.

ETHEL. Mr. Larkspur! Is it Mr. Larkspur you've been flirting with?

MRS. P. Of course it is. He always was a favourite of mine.

ETHEL. But you were not a favourite of his. He doesn't care for you a bit.

MRS. P. I fear, myself, it's a good deal.

ETHEL. It isn't though, I tell you. He can't bear the sight of you.

MRS. P. I dare say not, my love. It will of course remind him that I am another's.

ETHEL. But he doesn't care whose you are.

MRS. P. Well, well, you needn't get excited, dear. If you _are_ married, Mr. Larkspur's state of mind is of no consequence to you.

ETHEL. It's just because I'm married that it is of consequence to me--for I'm his wife.

MRS. P. You Mr. Larkspur's wife? Then Mr. Larkspur's married?

ETHEL. I should think he is.

MRS. P. I am so glad. It was so very painful to suppose that he was dying for me.

ETHEL. If you have supposed so, you have given yourself a great deal of superfluous anxiety. He was never better in his life.

MRS. P. I'm very glad to hear it. So he's married you, my dear? I was afraid, when he perceived I was inflexible, he would do something rash.

ETHEL. Do you mean to say that he's proposed to you?

MRS. P. I never let him go so far, my pet. But you should see how he makes love to me.

ETHEL. I will. I'll hide behind the curtains here, like this--(_retires among the curtains_) and listen with both ears.

MRS. P. Do, darling, and you'll have a pleasant time of it.

_Re-enter EDWIN, through window, L._

You've come back, have you, Mr. Larkspur?

EDWIN. I have come back, Mrs. Plunger.

MRS. P. Oh! You've found out that, I'm married?

EDWIN. And whom to. I must say that I think you might have told me. I consider that flirtation by a married woman is most reprehensible.

MRS. P. I quite agree with you. I think it almost as abominable as flirtation by a married man.

EDWIN. Eh?

MRS. P. I congratulate you, Mr. Larkspur.

EDWIN. Then you've heard _I'm_ married? Well I am. I'm married to the nicest girl in England; but ten days at Dumpington are more than flesh can stand. I got intolerably tired of its monotony, and for a little change I thought I would make love to you.

MRS. P. What, for a little change!

EDWIN. No other reason I assure you. Fortunately, Ethel thought she'd occupy the time in making love to Captain Plunger. I didn't like her making love to him, and so I thought she mightn't like my making love to you, and I'm not going to do it any more. I further beg to state that Mrs. Larkspur is not on the look out for a husband, that in my opinion she has not gone off at all, and that I don't believe she ever angled after anyone.

ETHEL. (_running out_) You dear old darling, you're the greatest love that is or ever was or ever will be. I don't care for anyone but you. I only flirted to cure you. I beg your pardon, and I'll never do so any more; and you'll forgive me, won't you? (_on her knees_)

EDWIN. Ethel, are you on the look-out for a husband?

ETHEL. Edwin, did you never see a girl three times without proposing to her?

EDWIN. Did you angle after Captain Plunger?

ETHEL. Did you say that if you'd thought I should accept you, you should never have proposed to me?

EDWIN. I didn't. You've been told a lot of wicked stories. (_raising her_)

ETHEL. So have you.

MRS. P. What a delightful reconciliation!

EDWIN. Yes, it is delightful, Mrs. Plunger, to discover in one's wife a woman who's as amiable after marriage as before.

MRS. P. Oh, Ethel always had the reputation of an amiable woman. People said, when I was quite a child, she was an amiable woman.

ETHEL. (_aside to EDWIN_) Never mind her, she doesn't know that Captain Plunger first proposed to me.

EDWIN. What, in his whiskers?

ETHEL. Yes.

EDWIN. And you rejected them?

ETHEL. For you!

EDWIN. I've licked the whiskers! Bravo! "See the conquering hero comes, sound the trumpets, beat the drums!" (_band strikes up again_) Oh, no, don't, please.

_Re-enter CAPTAIN PLUNGER through R. window._

CAPT. Here's that dreadful band again. The leader says the bagpipes have told everyone we're pitching out half crowns, and all the music in the town is on its way here.

MRS. P. Captain Plunger, I am given to understand that you've been going on with Mrs. Larkspur in a most improper manner.

CAPT. Nothing of the sort, my love. I never flirt--when you are with me.

EDWIN. If he has, you must forgive him this time, Mrs. Plunger, as my wife's forgiven me. (_band stops_)

CAPT. What's she forgiven you, Larkspur?

ETHEL. I've forgiven him his going on with Mrs. Plunger.

CAPT. So have I. I don't at all resent his going on with Mrs. Plunger.

MRS. P. Oh, you monster!

CAPT. What I should resent would be his going off with Mrs. Plunger.

MRS. P. I mean, oh, you darling.

_Re-enter WAITER, R._

WAITER. If you please, the family with the measles has sent up to say as how they can't have all the music turned away. It brings the rash out beautiful.

EDWIN. All right then. Let them have their fill. It makes no difference to us, as we leave Dumpington to-morrow.

WAITER. Leave to-morrow, sir! What for?

ETHEL. "A LITTLE CHANGE."

(_a concert of street music outside_)

CURTAIN.

Transcriber's Note

A copy of the images used in this transcription has been posted at:

archive.org/details/GrundyLittleChange

The following changes were made to the text:

- p. 10: MRS. P. By the way, the captain is here: came by by the same train--Deleted the second "by".

- p. 13: WAITER, You go along the pier, sir.--Changed comma after "WAITER" to a period.

- p. 17: CAPT You'll give him eighteen-pence?--Inserted a period after "CAPT".

- p. 18: _they move slowly towards the window, R, arm in arm_--Inserted a period after "R".

- p. 19: ETHEL But you're not married?--Inserted a period after "ETHEL".