ACT II

SCENE.--_Same as Act I._

(_Two weeks have elapsed since the events in the preceding Act. For alteration of furniture, see notes at end of play._)

(_JOHN AYERS and TULLY are seated at a small table down C. JOHN in arm-chair on right of table. TULLY in small chair left of table. They are playing cards. JOHN is dressed in pyjamas with blanket round him as in Act I. TULLY wears a lounge suit and slippers._)

(_As the curtain rises JOHN is shuffling the cards and dealing for nap._)

(_PAMELA enters from bedroom R. and then adjusts her hat, looking in mirror by fireplace. She wears the pearl necklace._)

(_JOHN deals._)

PAMELA. I must say I think it is very good of you, Mr. Tully.

TULLY. Beg pardon, Mrs. Ayers.

PAMELA. I say it's very good of you to come and sit with John as you do.

TULLY. Oh, not at all, Mrs. Ayers. It's a pleasure. John's one of the best, in the world.

JOHN (_quickly_). No, that's not your card. (_Picking up one of TULLY'S cards and looking at it._) Oh, yes it is. (_Putting card down again._)

TULLY. But he's a dirty cheat.

JOHN. Heaven helps those who help themselves.

TULLY. No, John, we're here to help others.

JOHN. Then what are the others here for?

TULLY. To help the others, I suppose.

JOHN (_calling to hand_). Well, I'll go two.

TULLY. Now, Mrs. Ayers, didn't we stipulate that there were to be no two's? (_To JOHN._) At two-handed nap you can't call less than three surely.

(_They both argue loudly._)

PAMELA (_looking round_). Now don't quarrel, there's good children.

JOHN. Tully's a bad loser.

TULLY. I'm not. You're a bad player. How can we possibly call two's--it's no game at all.

JOHN. Well, I go--_three!_

TULLY. Very good, I pass three.

(_They play the hand. PAMELA strolls down, putting on gloves, and watches game._)

JOHN. Play to that. I'll give you "two's." That's one. (_Plays again._)

TULLY. Trump! Aha!

JOHN. I'm not afraid of that.

TULLY. You won't get this. (_Plays card._)

JOHN. Thank you. (_Leads again._)

TULLY (_takes the trick_). That's another one up against you. (_Leads again._)

JOHN (_takes the trick_). Got it! Got it! Got it!

(_PAMELA comes down to top of table._)

TULLY. Nothing could touch a hand like that.

JOHN (_teasing TULLY_). You _get_ the cards, Tully, but you don't know how to _play_ them.

PAMELA. Oh, I think Mr. Tully plays a very excellent game.

(_They start dealing._)

Now just a moment.

JOHN. Where are you going?

PAMELA. I just want to run round and see how mother is. I'll leave John in your care, Mr. Tully.

TULLY. Certainly, Mrs. Ayers.

PAMELA (_to TULLY_). Would you mind answering the door?

JOHN. Answering the door? Of course he will. What's he here for?

PAMELA. We sent the maids away a week ago, they talk so.

JOHN. Cook said she knew positively there was nothing the matter with me at all.

PAMELA. So I've given them a holiday.

TULLY. Much the wisest thing to do.

PAMELA (_to TULLY_). If the inspector or the doctor from the 'bus company calls, just ask him in and say I shall not be long. And you, John----

JOHN. Oh, I shall get into bed like a flash of lightning.

PAMELA. I don't suppose they'll come.

JOHN (_looking at PAMELA_). Do you think it's wise to wear that necklace on these dark nights. You might have it stolen.

PAMELA (_smiling and displaying necklace_). Ah! I've been waiting for you to notice it.

JOHN. Well, it's running a risk. I should leave it at home if I were you.

PAMELA. Does it look valuable to _you?_

JOHN. Of course it does.

PAMELA. Well, it isn't--this is only imitation.

TULLY. Oh, it looks just the same to me.

PAMELA. Mother had the real one copied for thirty shillings, she was so afraid I should lose it.

TULLY. That's very thoughtful.

JOHN. Mother _does_ know.

PAMELA (_posing_). But it _looks_ genuine, doesn't it?

JOHN. It looks jolly good. (_Artfully._) What have you done with the _real_ one?

PAMELA. Ah! that's telling! I'm never going to part with that as long as I live. (_Crossing to door L._). Shall I give your love to mother?

JOHN. No!

PAMELA. John!

JOHN. I mean yes.

(_Exit PAMELA._)

Yes, if you like. (_To TULLY._) That's the fourteenth love I've sent to mother this week.

(_Door slams off L._)

(_TULLY shuffles cards._)

I don't mind telling you, Tully, I'm more than sick of this business. I've been shut up now for nearly a fortnight.

TULLY. But the doctor from the 'bus company ought to have called on you long ago.

JOHN. He did call--last Friday week, and I happened to be out. Just my luck. Pam saw him and made some excuse, and he said he'd call again. But he hasn't been near the place since.

(_TULLY deals the cards for nap._)

TULLY. Their idea is of course to tire you out.

JOHN. And we've _got_ to be careful. Did you read about Dick Turner?

TULLY. He got his five hundred pounds out of them, didn't he?

JOHN. Yes. But do you know the latest? They're going to have him up for fraud.

TULLY. Oh, dear! dear! dear! What does _Mrs._ Ayers say about it?

JOHN. The Turner case has rather upset her. She's terribly afraid of the law. If you mention the word she has a panic.

TULLY. So you see, good people are the happiest after all.

JOHN. But they don't always look it. (_Looks at TULLY with a grin._) Let me see now, it's my call, isn't it?

TULLY. No, John, you called last time.

JOHN. So I did. You're quite right.

TULLY (_jubilant_). I'm going nap!

JOHN. You're--going--nap?

TULLY. Yes!

JOHN (_rising_). Hark! It's the doctor--the doctor from the 'bus company. (_Flings off blanket and rushes to door R., groaning as if in pain._)

TULLY (_runs to window_). There's nobody there. Desist! (_Comes down to door L._) Desist!

(_JOHN stops groaning._)

There's nobody at the door--not a sign of anyone.

JOHN. Really, are you sure? (_Coming to table C._)

TULLY. Quite sure.

JOHN (_mixing cards up all together_). All right! Deal again. Deal again. (_Sits._)

TULLY (_comes to table--looks with disgust at cards, gathers them up and sits_). It's a very funny thing, John, but every time I call nap you imagine you hear the doctor coming. Coincidence, I suppose. (_Gives a big sigh._)

JOHN. What's the matter with you, Tully? Have you ever been in love?

TULLY (_looks and smiles_). I was nearly caught once.

JOHN. Oh, what was her name?

TULLY. Agnes. (_Sorrowfully._) She made a vow that if she ever met a really good man she would love him though he be as ugly as sin.

JOHN. And she loved you?

TULLY. Devotedly.

JOHN. Why didn't you marry the girl?

TULLY. She was so expensive.

JOHN. They all are. I don't believe woman _was_ the rib of man I believe she was the expendix--I mean the appendix--no use to anybody.

TULLY. That's what makes me so timid. I'm so afraid that one of these days some woman will get me into a corner and make me do something thoughtless. (_Cards dealt._)

JOHN. I shouldn't worry about that if I were you. Let me see, it's my call, isn't it?

TULLY. Yes.

JOHN. Well, I pass!

TULLY. You pass? Well--I--I--you can't hear the doctor coming, can you?

JOHN. N--o.

TULLY. Well, I'm going--nap!!

JOHN. What again?

TULLY. You haven't given me a chance yet!

JOHN (_rises_). I have an idea.

TULLY. No, no, play this hand first; I've called nap.

JOHN (_searches on table L.C._). No, it's not there.

TULLY. What are you looking for?

JOHN. The--real necklace!

TULLY. She wouldn't leave it about like that.

JOHN. You don't know--she might.

(_Postman's double knock heard off L._)

(_Rushing for bedroom door._) The doctor! The doctor! (_The blanket is left in arm-chair._)

TULLY. It isn't--it isn't the doctor. It's the postman. It's the postman. I know his knock.

(_JOHN goes out of door L., returns with a letter and reads it C._)

JOHN (_speaking off_). Yes! You're right. There's a letter in the box. (_Enters._)

TULLY. I told you it was only the postman. _Do_ come and play this nap out. I've got such beautiful cards!

JOHN. Hang your nap--this is serious. It's from little Mamie Scott.

TULLY. Mamie Scott? Who's she?

JOHN. You know--your wife!

TULLY. Oh, don't start that again, _please!_ (_Rises._)

JOHN (_reading from letter_). "The Rajah declines to wait any longer for his necklace and threatens to place the matter in the hands of the police."

TULLY. Oh, dear! dear! dear!

JOHN. You'd better go and tell her the necklace is having its clasp repaired and is coming back from the jeweller's to-morrow.

TULLY. Is it?

JOHN. Oh, do have a little common sense. I think I know where to find her. Put on your hat and go round to the Five Hundred Club.

TULLY. Is that a ladies' club?

JOHN. No--er--mixed.

TULLY. No, I couldn't do that--really.

JOHN. Why not?

TULLY. I never believed in mixed schools or mixed bathing, and I'm certainly not going to a mixed club at my time of life.

JOHN. All you've got to do is to ask for Miss Mamie Scott.

TULLY. No, no. I've never been to such a place as the Five Hundred Club in my life.

JOHN. Take your Cheque Book with you. They'll make you very welcome.

TULLY. A great deal too welcome, I expect. No, I couldn't do it. Why don't _you go?_

JOHN. How can I? I'm ill in bed. It's a hundred to one if I put my foot on the doorstep I should run into the arms of the doctor, Pamela and the whole 'bus company. Ruin, divorce and fraud await me on the doorstep.

TULLY. Well, I'm not going.

JOHN. Don't forget you're in this as well as me; if that necklace is lost you're a party to it.

TULLY. Oh, don't say that.

JOHN. You've acknowledged that little woman as your wife. She's not the sort to be played with.

TULLY. Oh, don't talk like that.

JOHN. But I do talk like that.

TULLY. Here--take my key--step over the balcony--(_pointing to window L.C._)--get through my window and go out through my flat and come back the same way.

JOHN. Along the balcony and through your flat! They wouldn't see me then. I could do it in twenty minutes in a taxi, couldn't I?

TULLY. Easily!

JOHN. Top-hole--that's splendid!

(_Exit door R._)

TULLY. There isn't a soul at home--the maid's out. (_At card-table--calling._) I say, you'll play this nap out when you come back?

JOHN (_spoken off_). What say?

TULLY. You'll play this nap out when you come _back?_

JOHN (_spoken off_). Oh yes!

TULLY. I'll leave the cards just as they are.

JOHN (_spoken off_). Right-o!

TULLY. I won't look at your hand.

JOHN (_off_). All right!

TULLY. Do you know this is the fourth nap I've been done out of?

JOHN (_off_). Bad luck!

TULLY. How long will you be?

JOHN (_off_). About twenty minutes, I should say.

TULLY. Somehow I don't quite like being left here alone.

JOHN (_off_). Why not?

TULLY. I have a presentiment of impending disaster.

JOHN (_off_). Say it again!

TULLY (_shouting_). I have an impediment of presenting disaster.

(_JOHN enters in overcoat, muffler and hat. N.B.--He completes his change after next exit._)

JOHN. You do get hold of the most absurd expressions! Now, all we've got to do is to keep Mamie quiet until we get this money and then everything will be O.K. (_Crossing up to window, L.C._). I'll be as quick as I can. Which way do I go?

(_Both by open window up L.C._)

TULLY. Just step over the balcony.

(_Exit JOHN through window._)

The second window to the right. (_Calling after JOHN._) Mind the geraniums, just step over them and don't be seen.

JOHN (_heard off_). They'll take me for a creeper, won't they?

(_TULLY stands out on balcony watching JOHN._)

(_PAMELA rushes in dramatically, closing the door after her._)

PAMELA. John! John! The doctor--the doctor. (_Rushes across and opens door R., calling off._) John! The doctor from the Motor 'Bus Company is coming--John. (_Back to C., moves card-table to L._) John, John! Where are you!

(_TULLY comes down from window._)

Oh, Mr. Tully, where's John?

TULLY. I couldn't say at the moment.

PAMELA. John! Is he in the house?

(_TULLY opening and shutting his mouth, but saying nothing._)

Oh, please don't stand there yawning!

TULLY. I'm not yawning. I'm trying to say something.

PAMELA. Where--is--John?

TULLY (_with a gulp_). He's out.

PAMELA. Out! Impossible! Are you sure?

TULLY. Q--q--quite sure.

PAMELA. Where has he gone?

TULLY. He's gone to--five hundred clubs----

PAMELA (_turning down L._). Great Heavens! And we've waited for this day!

TULLY. We? We've waited for this day?

PAMELA (_dashes to door L. Stands with her back to it_). Mr. Tully, you and I are the only people in this house.

TULLY (_alarmed and going down R._) Oh, don't say that--don't say that?

PAMELA. We cannot miss this opportunity!

TULLY. Opportunity? Can't we? Oh, don't say that! Don't say that! (_Moving away in apprehension._)

PAMELA. But I do say it. (_Crossing C._) And you can't have an atom of pluck unless you do as I ask.

TULLY. Really, this is most embarrassing.

PAMELA (_madly_). I want you to get into pyjamas as quickly as you can. (_Removes her hat and putting it on table L.C._)

TULLY. Get into pyjamas! I've never been asked to do such a thing in my life! (_Trembling all over._) Not for all the gold in the Bank of England, Mrs. Ayers.

PAMELA (_coming C._). Yes, yes, _please._ For my sake! dear Mr. Tully (_Then up to window L._)

TULLY. Not for any woman breathing. Your endearments are wasted on me. Oh, I knew this would happen one day. I knew some woman would get me into a corner.

PAMELA. I only want you to take John's place.

TULLY. Hoh! Hoh!

PAMELA. Please--please--(_advancing to TULLY_)--just for a little time while John is out.

TULLY. But it's right against my principles.

PAMELA. It's our only chance. (_Crosses to arm-chair, kneels on front of it, looking up at TULLY, who is behind it, and pleading._) He may be back here at any moment. You'll have to do this for me really, Mr. Tully.

TULLY. I'll never do it unless you use force--and a woman can't force a man to get into pyjamas. It isn't legal! (_Dashes up to window R. PAMELA follows him._) If you come any nearer I'll shriek from the window!

(_Bell heard off L._)

PAMELA (_up to window L. quickly--looks out--then back again_). There _is_ the doctor! I knew it! Now what on earth are we going to do

TULLY. The doctor??

PAMELA. Yes, the doctor!

TULLY. The doctor??? (_Sits in arm-chair._) Oh--the doctor! Why _didn't_ you make your meaning clear just now?

PAMELA. What did you think I meant?

(_TULLY very embarrassed._)

What did you think I meant? (_Coming down to TULLY._)

TULLY. Well, what you said.

(_Bell heard off L._)

PAMELA. That man is out there on the doorstep now, and--and there's no John. A doctor and no patient! And we swore he was unable to leave his bed.

TULLY. Oh, dear, dear, dear!

(_Bell heard off L.--Both listen._)

(_Rising._) Perhaps if we keep quite quiet he'll go away.

PAMELA. No, he knows we _must_ be in the house. Mr. Tully, this doctor has never even seen John--doesn't know him from Adam.

TULLY. I won't impersonate Adam!

PAMELA. Would it be asking too much of you to let him think that you--are--my husband?

TULLY. Well, if you put it like that, and you think I could, I'll do my best.

PAMELA. Very well, go and get into bed.

TULLY. Oh no, I couldn't get into bed. I can't bear people to see me in bed. What about the chair? The inspector saw John when he was sitting up. Why couldn't he see me in the chair?

(_Bell heard off._)

PAMELA. Oh, very well. Be as quick as you can. I'll keep the doctor talking. (_Crossing to door L._) Groan--groan when you're ready. Get into John's pyjamas. (_At door._) I'd do the same for you!

(_PAMELA runs off L._)

TULLY. Oh! O-oh!

(_TULLY runs off R._)

(_TULLY re-enters with pyjamas, puts them on back of arm-chair, looks round room, hops up to window L., draws curtains, hops along to window R., draws curtains--goes to Standard lamp above door L., switches off light--then over to arm-chair--he puts on pyjama jacket over clothes, picks up pyjama trousers, holds them against himself--then looks towards doors R. and L., as if some one might be looking through keyholes, goes to fireplace and brings small firescreen to down to R. of arm-chair--puts on trousers, jumps himself into them, fastens them up, takes screen back to fireplace, comes back to arm-chair, wraps blanket round him, lies back in arm-chair and groans loudly. PAMELA enters and crosses to TULLY._)

PAMELA. I've told him you're not awake. Pretend to be asleep. (_Switches on lights and exit L. Re-enters almost immediately holding door open._) Oh, come in, doctor. (_Then crossing to TULLY._)

(_DR. BIGLAND enters, hat and bag in hand. He is a fairly corpulent man of fifty, and blunt in manner--places hat and bag on small table down L._)

This is our patient, doctor. (_Gets to back of arm-chair._)

DOCTOR. Ahem! Wouldn't he be better in bed?

PAMELA. That is what I try to impress on him, but he says he feels the pain less sitting up. And you can't persuade him; his mind seems thoroughly unhinged since the accident.

(_DOCTOR crosses over to TULLY, puts head to TULLY'S heart. TULLY makes a face. DOCTOR raises his head, almost catching TULLY making a face._)

A pity to wake him, don't you think?

(_DOCTOR still examining TULLY._)

This is the best sleep he's had for weeks.

(_JOHN is entering by window L., seeing DOCTOR he retires immediately._)

DOCTOR (_having finished his examination, crosses C._) I understood he was quite a small man.

(_TULLY slides down in chair, trying to make himself look smaller--a very conspicuous movement._)

PAMELA. Yes, he _was._ But he seems to have grown considerably since the accident.

(_DOCTOR goes to TULLY, feels his pulse._)

Oh, don't wake him, please doctor.

DOCTOR. Oh, I shan't wake him. Don't worry!

(_TULLY snores loudly._)

(_To PAMELA._) Any throat trouble.

PAMELA. No--I--er--he hasn't complained of any.

DOCTOR. Keeps you awake at night a good deal, I dare say? (_Going L._)

PAMELA. Oh! yes. He--does.

DOCTOR. By the way, has Mr. Trippett, the inspector of claims for our company--has he been here to-day?

PAMELA. No--no, doctor--not to my knowledge.

DOCTOR. I was wondering, that's all. He said he would meet me here to discuss the case.

(_TULLY shows nervousness._)

PAMELA. No, I don't think he's called.

DOCTOR. Ah, probably he'll come later. This matter has been hanging on too long, you know. It ought to have been settled up days ago.

PAMELA. Yes, I quite--quite agree.

DOCTOR (_takes out watch_). Well, I have another call to pay--close by here. I'll look back a little later on. Perhaps he'll be awake then.

PAMELA. Thank you, doctor. (_Crosses to door L., holds door open._)

DOCTOR (_picks up hat and follows her_). Allow _me._ (_Is going off._)

(_TULLY rises in chair and stares after him._)

Oh, I'm forgetting my bag (_Turning he almost catches TULLY looking, TULLY collapses immediately._)

PAMELA. The weather keeps warm--doe-doe-doesn't it--d-d-doctor?

DOCTOR (_picking up bag_). It d-d-does--indeed.

(_Exit DOCTOR L., followed by PAMELA._)

(_JOHN enters at window L., comes down quickly, places hat on table L.C., comes to TULLY. TULLY starts up._)

JOHN. Who told you to do this?

TULLY. That's the doctor from the 'Bus Company.

JOHN. And those are my new pyjamas. (_Throwing coat and scarf on to settee at back._)

TULLY. I know--I know--er----

(_Enter PAMELA._)

PAMELA. Oh, there you are, John!

JOHN (_angrily_). Who, who is responsible for this absurd jumble? (_Pointing to TULLY._) And who does the doctor think _that_ is?

PAMELA. Why _you!_ _You_, of course. There was no one else here when the doctor came, and _some one_ had to be ill in bed.

JOHN. But not in a--_chair!_ I know this game backwards. If you can get five hundred in bed, you can't get fifty in a chair. (_To TULLY._) You've mucked up the whole show!

TULLY. I'm quite sure _I_ didn't want to do it. (_Turns his back on JOHN._)

JOHN (_holding forth_). And it's not very flattering to me if he goes out and about and becomes known as John Ayers.

TULLY. I simply did it to oblige your wife.

JOHN. If you are in the habit of getting into those things simply to oblige ladies, you'll soon find yourself in the Divorce Court.

TULLY. Don't be cruel. (_Going R._)

PAMELA. It's no use arguing. The doctor has only gone a little way, and he'll be back here at any minute.

JOHN (_to PAMELA_). Surely you could have kept the doctor waiting a little while, or made some excuse?

PAMELA. What possible excuse could I make? Last time he called I said you were in your bath.

JOHN. But that was last Friday week; surely another bath wouldn't be out of place by now!

(_TULLY begins to remove trousers of pyjamas._)

PAMELA (_alarmed_). Mr. Tully--please--please not in my presence!

JOHN. For Heaven's sake be decent--be decent!

TULLY (_goes up to fireplace, gets behind screen and refastens strings of pyjamas_). I've had enough of this.

JOHN (_back to C._). Can't you see the awful situation we're in? If Trippett calls he'll demand to see _me_; if the doctor comes he'll expect to see _Tully_--and if they both come together--Heaven help us!

PAMELA. Hush--Sh! (_Hurries up to window L._)

(_JOHN and TULLY start back in fear._)

JOHN. What is it? What is it?

PAMELA (_coming down_). Ah! It's nothing!

JOHN. Well, don't do it, Pam. It unnerves me.

TULLY (_coming down R._). I'd give anything to be out of this.

JOHN. Of course you would. Always thinking of yourself.

(_TULLY stoops and pulls down leg of pyjamas._)

And don't stretch those pyjamas!

TULLY. I don't enjoy the best of health. I shan't be a nuisance to you much longer.

JOHN. Why talk like that--you know you will.

(_TULLY goes up to window R._)

PAMELA. I can't say that _I_ am enjoying the situation.

JOHN. Well, don't lose your heads.

PAMELA. Well, what are we going to do?

JOHN (_hand to forehead_). Already I have the whole scheme laid out here. It's perfectly simple. This is absolutely an inspiration. Tully--Tully--must--cut--off--his--moustache!

TULLY (_crossing to JOHN_). No--I'm ready to oblige to a certain extent--but I'm not going to be messed about!

JOHN. It's absolutely necessary. I've always been clean-shaven, and it's the first thing that is noticed in a man. (_To PAMELA._) Now get me a pair of scissors--quickly. (_Pushing TULLY into arm-chair R._)

(_PAMELA gets scissors from table L.C. and takes them to JOHN. She stands in front of TULLY. JOHN cuts off TULLY'S moustache._)

TULLY. I protest. I'm not going to be chopped about.

JOHN (_over TULLY_). If you only keep still you won't know anything about it. Now, don't move or I shall hurt you.

TULLY. I protest--I pro--gurr! gurr!

PAMELA (_holding TULLY down in arm-chair_). Oh, don't choke him, John!

JOHN. I wouldn't do anything in the world against his wishes. Keep still. Bertram!

(_Moustache is cut off. JOHN goes down R. PAMELA goes down L. TULLY sits up in chair._)

I don't know why you are making all this fuss. There's practically nothing of it when you come to gather it up. There! I've never seen you look so handsome. (_Placing moustache in waistcoat pocket._)

PAMELA. Really, I think it suits you, Mr. Tully.

TULLY. But don't you see, the doctor's already seen me _with_ a moustache.

JOHN. Oh, lor!

TULLY. And this is my flute night down at the Mission. (_Bell heard off L._)

PAMELA. It's the doctor back again, I expect.

(_Runs up to window L., looks off._)

JOHN (_pulling TULLY out of chair._) Go on, get into bed. (_Leads TULLY to door R._)

TULLY. You don't think he'll operate on me? Do you?

(_Exit TULLY door R._)

PAMELA. John, it's a woman.

JOHN (_advancing_) A woman!

PAMELA. It's Mrs. Tully----

JOHN (_back quickly to door R., puts back against it_). Mrs. Tully!!!

PAMELA (_comes down C._) Whatever is she coming here for?

JOHN. She knows I'm an invalid and can't leave the house, and I suppose she imagines that her husband is here. Now, you had better not be seen. Go across quickly into the dining-room (_crossing to PAMELA_) and shut yourself in.

PAMELA. I want to know exactly why Mrs. Tully has called here.

JOHN. There's no time to discuss anything. Will you please go and hide in the dining-room?

PAMELA. And leave you alone with that woman? Most certainly not!

JOHN. Then perhaps _you_ will be good enough to explain to Mrs. Tully why _her_ husband is in _your_ bedroom!

PAMELA. No, no! Why can't you explain it.

JOHN. Not in your presence.

PAMELA. Couldn't Mr. Tully explain if we send his wife in to him?

JOHN. Good heavens, no! He'd go mad!

PAMELA. Why should he?

JOHN. Well--er--he's only recently been married, and he's not in his own flat or in his own bed. Hang it, he's not in his own pyjamas!

PAMELA. Well, I'm going to ask him. (_To door R._)

JOHN. Do please listen to reason, Pam.

PAMELA (_knocking on door and calling to TULLY_). Mr. Tully, are you in bed?

TULLY (_heard off_). Yes!

PAMELA. Your wife has called.

TULLY (_heard off--a long moan of agony_). Oh-h-h-h!

PAMELA. I say your wife has called. We are sending her in to you.

TULLY. Oh-o-h-h-h!

PAMELA. Will you kindly explain everything to her?

(_Glass and crockery crash off R._)

(_PAMELA staggers back from door. JOHN backs up a little rather frightened._)

JOHN. That's done it!

(_TULLY dashes into room--makes a dive for door L. JOHN catches him and swings him into chair L.C. TULLY has blanket round his shoulders and head. He half sits, half lies, in chair in a collapsed condition._)

TULLY. Let me go--let me go!

JOHN (_across to PAMELA_). I told you what would happen.

PAMELA. Shall I go and fetch mother?

JOHN. Fetch mother! Good heavens, no! Give the poor devil a chance. Have you got any smelling salts?

PAMELA. Scent spray----

JOHN. Yes, that'll do.

(_PAMELA gets scent spray from mantelpiece and gives it to JOHN. JOHN squirts scent into TULLY'S face. TULLY sneezes loudly._)

PAMELA. It's the most extraordinary thing I've ever experienced--to see a man so afraid of his wife.

JOHN. Ah, some of us don't show it like he does.

(_Bell heard off L._)

His marriage was a mistake from the first. (_To PAMELA._) Will you go into the dining-room now, and I'll see Mrs. Tully here in the presence of her husband and explain everything.

PAMELA. If Mr. Tully will promise to remain in the room.

JOHN. Yes! Yes!

TULLY. No! No!

JOHN (_threatening TULLY with spray_). Yes--yes! (_TULLY cowers into blanket._) (_To PAMELA._) Now go along as quickly as you can. (_Places spray table R.C._)

PAMELA (_crossing to door L._). But understand I shall expect to hear Mr. Tully's voice the whole time.

JOHN (_crossing L._). You shall--you shall. He shan't leave the room. And when he's not talking I'll get him to sing.

(_Exit PAMELA briskly L._)

(_Turning to TULLY._) Go and let Mamie in as quickly as you can--show her in here--then stand by that door and don't let anyone else in on any account--_and sing_--just through the key-hole. It'll keep Mrs. Ayers quiet.

TULLY (_crossing to door L._). You won't leave me alone with Miss Fluffie Scott again, will you?

JOHN. I'll get rid of her as soon as ever I can. Go and let her in quickly.

(_TULLY runs out of door L._)

(_JOHN holds the door open looking off--a moment and MAMIE hurries in._)

Come along, Mamie.

(_JOHN shuts door, forgetting all about TULLY, and catches TULLY'S arm in the door. TULLY gives a yell of pain, waggling his hurt fingers._)

Oh, sorry old man, I forgot!

(_TULLY shuts door._)

Now don't leave that door whatever you do--and sing--sing! (_JOHN goes to MAMIE, who is C._)

(_TULLY stands close to door L. and sings "The Rosary."_)

MAMIE (_anxiously_). Jack, Jack! Did you get my letter?

JOHN. Your letter? What letter?

MAMIE (_seeing TULLY, who is singing loudly_). What's that?

JOHN. It's all right. He's not listening.

MAMIE. I wrote you about the necklace.

JOHN. But I sent you word last week that the necklace was in the hands of the jeweller.

MAMIE. I know. I told the Rajah that, and he won't believe me. He's simply furious. Where is the jeweller's? Let me take it back to him whether it's damaged or not. Do!

JOHN. But there isn't time. I'm expecting my wife at any moment, and you must get away from here.

MAMIE. But I dare not go home without it. (_Throwing her arms round JOHN'S neck._) Darling, do please!

(_TULLY embarrassed, sings louder than ever._)

JOHN (_to TULLY_). Oh, dry up, dry up! (_To MAMIE._) Well, now I'll tell you the truth--the jeweller sent the necklace back yesterday, and I've given it to my wife to take care of.

MAMIE (_joyfully_). Then you've got it! You've got it!

TULLY (_runs towards JOHN_). You've got it? You never told me!

JOHN (_to TULLY, sharply_). Watch that door!

(_TULLY resumes singing "The Rosary."_)

(_To MAMIE._) Yes, Mrs. Ayers is wearing it.

MAMIE. Oh, I _am_ pleased. But why didn't she give it to Mr. Tully, if she thinks I'm his wife?

JOHN. Ah, that's the point--that's the trouble. (_Nodding his head towards TULLY._) There are some people in this world you can't trust.

MAMIE. I could tell you a few things about Mr. Tully. Ask him if he knows a girl called Agnes--she teaches him ragtime down at the Mission.

(_TULLY sings louder._)

JOHN (_to TULLY_). Oh, dry up! Will you dry up!!!

(_TULLY drops on "all fours" and stops singing._)

MAMIE (_looking at TULLY_). What's he doing there? Saying his prayers?

JOHN. He must keep to that door in case Mrs. Ayers comes back.

(_TULLY has stopped singing and is trying hard not to listen._)

MAMIE. Well, give me the necklace, and I'll be off at once.

JOHN. I'll send it on to you to-morrow.

MAMIE. No, I dare not go home without it.

JOHN. But how can I give it to you? Mrs. Ayers is wearing it round her neck.

MAMIE. Can't I wait till she returns?

JOHN. No, no! She doesn't know you're here. And you must leave at once before she comes back.

(_PAMELA knocks loudly outside door. TULLY jumps up. MAMIE and JOHN start--all silent._)

PAMELA (_off_). I can't hear Mr. Tully's voice!

JOHN (_to TULLY_). Sing! sing!

(_TULLY resumes singing: "I hear you calling me."_)

MAMIE. That _is_ Mrs. Ayers--now you can give me the necklace.

JOHN (_back to MAMIE_). That's impossible. I don't want her to know you're here.

MAMIE (_raising her voice_). But it doesn't matter if she thinks I am Mrs. Tully!

TULLY. (_crosses to JOHN_). I object to that being shouted broadcast.

JOHN (_to TULLY_). You keep quiet! (_To MAMIE._) You see, he objects--and don't be so unfeeling. We're expecting the doctor here at any minute, I'm as ill as I can be, and Tully may be operated on at any moment.

(_Grimaces from TULLY._)

MAMIE. I don't care who's operated on. I'm not going home without that necklace. (_Almost in tears._)

JOHN. Can't you see the trouble we're in?

MAMIE. There'll be worse trouble when the Rajah arrives.

JOHN. Good heavens! You haven't told the Rajah about me?

MAMIE. What else could I do? And I had to give him your address.

JOHN. Oh, Tully, Tully, she's given the Rajah my address!

MAMIE (_bursting into tears_). What else could I do? Boo--boo---- It's not my fault, and why should I be blamed for it. Boo, boo, boo! (_Sitting in arm-chair R._)

JOHN (_down to MAMIE_). There, don't cry, don't cry.

(_TULLY bursts into tears._)

What's the matter with you?

TULLY. I can't bear to see a woman cry.

(_MAMIE shrieks and yells and kicks up her feet._)

JOHN. Hold her feet down! (_Sits on MAMIE'S feet._) (_To TULLY._) _Don't leave that door!_

(_TULLY peeps out of door L. and crosses to JOHN._)

TULLY. John! The doctor's arrived!

JOHN (_still sitting on MAMIE'S feet_). Say--say you're having a bath; you won't be long.

TULLY (_speaking through keyhole_). I'm in my bath! I shan't be long!!!

JOHN. You're not shouting the odds at a race meeting!

TULLY. I'm in my bath--I shan't be long--splash--splash--(_moves up and down, as if covering himself with water_) splash. (_TULLY uses blanket like a towel, drying his back, up and down, exaggerated movements._) I'm drying--I'm dying----

JOHN. Oh! Good heavens, this is awful. (_Rises, looks at MAMIE._) She's fainting, she's fainting, what shall we do?

TULLY. Put a key down her back!

JOHN. Well, give me a key. (_TULLY rushes to door L._) No! Not that one, idiot! We may want that! (_TULLY takes long strides over to door R._)

JOHN. You'll split those pyjamas!

(_TULLY gives JOHN key from door R._)

Is this the proper thing to do? (_Drops key behind MAMIE on to arm-chair--as if down her back._)

JOHN. Ah! she's coming round. No more tears! No more tears, little girl!

MAMIE (_rises and puts arm on JOHN'S shoulder_). No, no more tears, no more tears! (_Turning R. she sees TULLY--and screams at sight of him--turns to JOHN._)

JOHN (_leading MAMIE off into room R._). There, dear, no more tears, you come along into this room and you shall have the necklace, I promise you----

MAMIE. You really mean that, Jack----

JOHN. Of course I mean it--now come along.

(_Exit MAMIE and JOHN room R._)

TULLY. Oh, Mrs. Ayers! (_Going C. and singing:_) "Oh dry those tears, oh calm those fears."

JOHN (_entering quickly and trying to lock door R._). The key--where's the key?

TULLY. You put it down Fluffie's back!

(_PAMELA rushes on from door L._)

PAMELA. The doctor says he can't wait much longer.

(_Exit PAMELA quickly._)

JOHN (_crosses to TULLY_). I suppose you realize that something's got to be done. This girl demands the necklace--the police have been informed, and the Rajah is rampant. The 'Bus Company claim me as a patient, and my married happiness rocks in the balance.

TULLY. Oh, don't talk like that.

JOHN. Go on, get into that chair. (_Pushing TULLY to arm-chair R._)

TULLY. Haven't I done enough for one day?

JOHN. At this very moment you can wreck my life, and you're going to take advantage of it. Bertram! Bertram!

(_Presses TULLY down into arm-chair R._)

What did I do with those pieces of your moustache?

TULLY. You put them in your pocket.

JOHN. Ah, so I did. (_JOHN picks up hat and is going to window._)

TULLY (_in arm-chair and drawing blanket round him_). You're not going to leave me in this awful predicament?

JOHN. I shall be back immediately. I have a brilliant idea, that will clear up everything. Now, don't forget you are John Ayers.

TULLY. I'm John Ayers??

JOHN (_over to door L._). You can come in. (_Back to TULLY._) Moan a little, and for heaven's sake try and look intelligent.

(_JOHN goes off through windows left. TULLY makes faces, as if intelligent. PAMELA enters L., followed by DOCTOR._)

PAMELA (_crossing to TULLY_). Ah, here he is, doctor.

DOCTOR (_putting hat and bag on table L.C._). Is he awake?

PAMELA. Are you awake, dear?

TULLY. No! (_PAMELA slaps his head_)--er--yes--yes.

DOCTOR. Still sitting up, and after a bath too; it's not wise.

PAMELA. We can't keep him in bed; he's so full of spirits.

DOCTOR. Yes, yes, I quite understand. Now, don't distress yourself, my dear lady. (_Gets chair from R. of table L.C. and places it on left of arm-chair._) You have your own medical man attending, of course.

PAMELA. Oh yes, doctor, of _course._ (_Imitating doctor's accent._) But I don't think he understands the case, although he thinks it very serious.

(_DOCTOR sits in chair. Loud knocks heard off L._)

DOCTOR. I think that must be Mr. Trippett.

(_TULLY starts up--frightened._)

PAMELA (_going to door L._). Excuse me a moment.

(_Exit PAMELA door L._)

(_DOCTOR watches her off. TULLY quickly rises and hides behind arm-chair. DOCTOR turns round to examine TULLY, finds the chair empty, looks dumbfounded, scratches his head, pushes blanket down, which has been left on chair, turns left, looks under his own chair, then looks up L. TULLY gets quickly back into arm-chair again and pulls blanket round him--feigns sleep. DOCTOR turns again to arm-chair, sees TULLY, can't believe his eyes, pinches himself, lifts TULLY'S arm. TULLY drops it. DOCTOR lifts TULLY'S arm again. TULLY holds it up this time and moves fingers._)

DOCTOR. Now then, young man, I want you to tell me exactly where you feel this pain. We don't want you to remain an invalid all your life, although I dare say a little compensation will act as a wonderful restorative.

(_PAMELA enters holding door open._)

JOHN (_peeping round door_). Say it's Mr. Tully. (_JOHN is wearing a moustache._)

PAMELA (_announcing_). Er--Mr. Tully.

TULLY (_rising_). Yes!

PAMELA. It's Mr. Tully.

(_JOHN enters._)

(_DOCTOR turns and looks at JOHN. TULLY walks on knees round arm-chair and then sits covering himself with blanket._)

JOHN (_posing as TULLY_). May I come in? How d'ye do, Mrs. Ayers? So pleased to see you. And how is the patient to-day?

PAMELA. Not much better, I'm afraid.

JOHN. Oh no, he's worse--a lot worse. I can see that. (_Going behind TULLY._) Poor old John!

TULLY. Poor John!

JOHN. I don't think we shall have him with us much longer.

(_TULLY sits up._)

(_Softly._) Bertram.

(_TULLY falls back._)

DOCTOR. I don't think it's wise to dishearten the patient like that.

PAMELA (_to JOHN_). This is the doctor from the Motor 'Bus Company.

JOHN. Oh, how d'ye do? (_DOCTOR turns to JOHN._) I'm a very old friend of Mr. Ayers, and I'm very sorry to see him struck down like this. (_TULLY falls R. half off chair. JOHN pulls him back again._) It's a very serious matter.

DOCTOR. Yes. The Company wish me to convey their deep sympathies.

JOHN. Deep sympathies aren't much good. I'm afraid it will cost them something more than that.

DOCTOR. Oh! He'll be up and about in a few days.

JOHN. Oh no he won't.

DOCTOR. Oh yes he will!

JOHN. Oh no he won't!

DOCTOR. Oh yes he will!

JOHN. Oh no he won't! _I_ can promise you that. Can't you see the man has been terribly knocked about? (_Aside to TULLY._) Groan!

(_TULLY groans long and loudly._)

DOCTOR. Now, tell me, Mrs. Ayers, is he thirsty at all?

PAMELA. No, doctor.

DOCTOR. No, no, he wouldn't be.

JOHN. But the pain in his back is simply terrible. He raves! (_Aside to TULLY._) Rave!

(_TULLY raves, pulls hair up on end, imagines he sees something, tries to catch it, and continues any mad business. DOCTOR follows his movements closely and seriously._)

DOCTOR (_to PAMELA_). Does he have any pains in the head?

PAMELA. N-no--doctor.

DOCTOR. No, no, he wouldn't have.

JOHN. But his mind's affected.

DOCTOR. Is he--is he sleepy at all?

PAMELA. No, not as a rule, doctor.

DOCTOR. No, no.

JOHN. No, no, he wouldn't be. (_Imitating DOCTOR._)

DOCTOR. How dare you, sir? (_Turns away in a rage._) Of course a good deal of this may proceed from a previous debilitated state.

PAMELA. Debilitated?

DOCTOR. I understand the patient has led rather a--well--if I may be allowed to say so--rather a gay life?

(_TULLY rises annoyed._)

JOHN. Oh no, you're quite wrong. (_Pointing to TULLY._) No one can ever say that John Ayers went the pace. I've known John ever since I was born and I can safely say he's a living saint, isn't he, Mrs. Ayers?

PAMELA (_with a gulp_). Er--yes--yes, of course.

JOHN. If anyone knocks about at all, you might accuse me. I'm known everywhere as Tully the Rake.

(_TULLY sits up in protest._)

(_Aside._) Bertram!

(_TULLY falls back in chair._)

DOCTOR. There's just one more question, Mrs. Ayers. Does he have any cold sweats?

JOHN. Yes, he lives entirely on soda-water.

DOCTOR. I said, sir, does he have any _cold sweats_?

JOHN. Oh, I beg your pardon, I thought you said Schweppes.

DOCTOR. Schweppes!!

PAMELA (_crossing to R. of arm-chair_). Yes, he perspires a good deal.

JOHN (_aside to TULLY_). Perspire!

(_TULLY perspires--wipes head--then wrings handkerchief out._)

DOCTOR. Perspires. That's quite natural. (_To TULLY._) Now then, will you tell me exactly where you feel this pain in the back?

JOHN (_getting between DOCTOR and TULLY_). Just up between the ribs.

(_DOCTOR digs JOHN in back._)

Oh, that's the very place!

DOCTOR. Will you _let the patient_ tell me?

JOHN. But he doesn't know as well as I do.

TULLY (_pointing to JOHN_). Mr. Ayers--er--Mr. Tully, this gentleman knows all about it.

DOCTOR. Mr. Tully, Mr. Tully! Where have I heard that name before? Ah, _you_ were in the 'bus accident with him, I believe? (_To JOHN._)

JOHN. No, that was my brother.

DOCTOR. Your brother? And he escaped unhurt?

JOHN. Er--yes. He fell on top of a fat old woman who was sitting opposite.

DOCTOR. Yes, that poor lady had three ribs broken. (_Rises._) Still, that concerns your brother. (_Sarcastically. JOHN and TULLY exchange looks. DOCTOR takes chair up to R. of table L.C., opens bag._) I can't quite understand all this, you know--according to Mr. Trippett's report, the patient was a much smaller man. (_Takes out stethoscope from bag, wiping it with his handkerchief and coming down L._)

JOHN (_over to DOCTOR_). Surely, you're not going to measure him, doctor? Hang it all, he's not dead yet.

DOCTOR. No, I simply wish to examine him, that's all. (_Turning to JOHN._) Although I have taken the measure of many people in my time.

(_JOHN turns away and up stage._)

Now, Mrs. Ayers, will you kindly loosen the patient's things a little--just in front.

(_TULLY drags his pyjama jacket tightly round him, very much alarmed. PAMELA looks at JOHN in despair._)

JOHN (_down to TULLY_). Perhaps _I_ can assist.

DOCTOR. I shall feel much obliged, sir, if you will not interfere. (_DOCTOR goes over to table down L., keeps his back towards the others._)

PAMELA. Couldn't you examine him better in bed, doctor?

DOCTOR. Undoubtedly!

(_MAMIE enters from door R. JOHN sees her and pushes her back._)

JOHN. No, I can't let him go into bed. I don't advise it. (_Shutting door R._)

TULLY. And I'm not going to strip.

(_Bell heard off L._)

PAMELA (_up to window L., looks off_). It's Mr. Trippett!

DOCTOR. Mr. Trippett, good! He's just in time!

JOHN (_to TULLY_). Good! He's just in time. That _is_ lucky. I _am_ glad!

DOCTOR. He promised to meet me here. (_Takes out watch._)

JOHN (_crosses to DOCTOR_). Isn't it Motor 'Bus etiquette for you to discuss the case with Mr. Trippett in private?

DOCTOR. No, I don't think that's at all necessary.

(_Goes up to table L.C., puts stethoscope in bag._)

JOHN. I'm sure both Mr. and Mrs. Ayers would like you to consult before anything is said or done in the matter. The dining-room is at your service.

PAMELA (_crossing to and opening door L._). Yes--yes--of course.

DOCTOR. Well, if you particularly wish it, I'll see Mr. Trippett.

PAMELA. This way, doctor.

DOCTOR. I thank you, madam, I thank you.

(_DOCTOR exits, followed by PAMELA. JOHN places chair L.C. under table. TULLY jumps up._)

TULLY. I've had enough of this! I'm going mad!

JOHN. Bertram! Bertram!

TULLY. Bertram be damned! (_Holds his mouth instantly._)

JOHN (_crosses to TULLY_). I think you're very ungrateful. Just as everything's going so splendidly.

TULLY. Splendidly! Is it? Do you think Mr. Trippett and the doctor are going to swallow this tale. I've lost my reputation and I've lost my moustache!

(_PAMELA rushes in and closes door._)

PAMELA. Mr. Trippett would like to see you now. He's in rather a hurry. What will you do?

JOHN. That's all right. Send Trippett in here in two seconds and keep the doctor in there and keep calm.

(_PAMELA exits L._)

TULLY. Everything's going splendidly. Everything's going splendidly. (_Taking wild leaps into the air._)

JOHN (_to TULLY_). Go on, get behind that screen.

(_Gets into chair and draws blanket round him._)

TULLY (_going up to fireplace_). If ever I get out of this I'll leave the neighbourhood. (_Kneels behind screen in fireplace._)

JOHN. Don't talk like that.

MAMIE (_rushes on from door R._). Jack, I can't wait any longer. Where's the necklace?

JOHN (_rises and crosses to MAMIE_). It's all right, only wait.

MAMIE. My darling, what _have_ you been doing?

JOHN. What?

MAMIE. That dreadful moustache.

JOHN. Oh, they've been putting me under glass. (_Pushes MAMIE off down R._)

(_TULLY groans._)

Don't you groan. I'm the patient now!

(_Sits in arm-chair again. PAMELA rushes in to C. TULLY peeps round from screen._)

PAMELA. John, the doctor says he must examine you before discussing the case with Mr. Trippett.

JOHN (_rising_). Good heavens! Can't they make up their minds? They must be a couple of weathercocks. All right--send the doctor in--wait till you hear Tully groan.

PAMELA. Mr. Tully will be in the chair?

JOHN. Yes, yes. We're quite prepared. Wait till he groans, that's all.

(_PAMELA exits L._)

(_To TULLY._) Go on, get into that chair. (_Arranging blanket._) The doctor's coming in.

(_TULLY comes down to arm-chair. PAMELA rushes in._)

PAMELA (_breathlessly_). John, Mr. Trippett and the doctor are both coming in together!

JOHN. Both together!

(_JOHN and TULLY both rush for arm-chair._)

Wait, I know. Say there's an escape of gas.

PAMELA. Electric light! Look!

TULLY. Say the lease of the flat is up!

JOHN (_pushing TULLY into chair_). Don't be a fool. Say I'm dead!

(_Door-bell heard off L._)

PAMELA (_up to window_). John, there's a coloured man at the door!

JOHN. A coloured man! Good heavens, it's the Rajah!

(_TULLY rushes up to windows R.C. with blankets on arm._)

PAMELA. The Rajah?

JOHN. Yes! Tell him I'm buried and won't be back for a week!

(_MAMIE enters door R._)

PAMELA. But who _is_ the Rajah?

JOHN. Just a friend of mine.

MAMIE. Excuse me, he's a friend of _mine._

PAMELA. Yours!

MAMIE. Yes, a friend of mine, and I _must_ have that necklace. Will you kindly give it to me, Mrs. Ayers?

PAMELA. This necklace--how dare you--it's mine.

(_MAMIE and PAMELA both quarrel violently about it and argue madly till fall of curtain. TULLY goes to MAMIE at the same time as JOHN goes to PAMELA. They both throw the men off. TULLY has taken blanket from arm-chair. JOHN is going to door L._)

TULLY. Not that way, John! Not that way!

(_JOHN and TULLY meet centre, TULLY throws blanket over both of them and they crawl out of window L. DOCTOR and TRIPPETT enter together talking. DOCTOR sees the two men crawling off, he draws TRIPPETT'S attention, and they both look on aghast._)

CURTAIN.