Part 2

I had the pleasure on Monday night of seeing “Macbeth” rendered upon the stage of Messrs. Wallack and Devonport, and also of seeing Mr. Lincoln present at the same time. It is Mr. Lincoln’s favourite play, and one could not repress a certain curiosity to know (though he is familiar with them as he is with stump speaking, doubtless) how certain passages would strike him. When the following passage between Malcolm and Macduff was pronounced the audience was suddenly silent as the grave:--

_Mal._--Let me seek out some desolate shade, and there weep our bosoms empty.

_Macd._ Let us rather Hold fast the mortal sword, and like good men Bestride our downfall’n birthdom. Each new morn New widows howl, new orphans cry, new sorrows Strike on the face of heaven, that it resounds As if it felt with Scotland and yelled out Like syllable of dolour.

Mr. Lincoln leaned back in his chair in the shade after this sentence was pronounced, and for a long time wore a sad, sober face, as if suddenly his thoughts had wandered from the playroom far away to where his great armies contest with the rebellious of a vast empire.

_A Ludicrous Mistake._

“Who has been guilty of these crimes,” said Lincoln, alluding to those committed by New York electioneering agents, “Donohue,” was the reply. “Then learn out as speedily as possible.”

_A Southern Estimate._

When informed that General Stoughton had been captured by the rebels at Fairfax, the President is reported to have said that he did not mind the loss of the Brigadier as much as he did the loss of the horses. “For,” said he, “I can make a much better Brigadier in five minutes, but the horses cost a hundred and twenty-five dollars a-piece.”

_Strong Habits._

“Well,” said the President, after the last repulse before Richmond, “them blessed ‘babies’ do fight, and the old chaps lifted from their graves are at any rate from the right _mould_; the babies are like young puppies that can stand a deal of licking, and the old boys are too old to _run_!”

_How to Fight._

“Those Southerners fight! its all blarney,” said Abe; “Put your swords in your sheath, boys, and lick Hills; “But a man without a sword is at fighting a babe “Then, damn-me, said Abe, use your _Sickles_!”

_A Majority Wanted._

When it was reported to Abe Lincoln that the men engaged in the coal pits had refused to fight the old joker said, “He didn’t expect miners (minors) to fight;” “but stay,” said Lincoln, “is there no way of making Majors of these minors?”

_A Story concerning a Second Term._

It is said that, some time ago, a gentleman hinted to the President that it was deemed quite settled that he would accept a re-nomination for his present office, whereupon Mr. Lincoln was reminded of a story of Jesse Dubois, out in Illinois. Jesse as State Auditor, had charge of the State House at Springfield. An itinerant preacher came along and asked the use of it for a lecture.

“On what subject?” asked Jesse.

“On the second coming of our Saviour,” answered the long-faced Millerite.

“Oh, bosh,” retorted Uncle Jesse, testily; “I guess if our Saviour had ever been to Springfield, and had got away with his life, he’d be too smart to think of coming back again.”

This, Mr. Lincoln said, was very much his case about the succession.

_Estimate of Official Honours._

As a further elucidation of Mr. Lincoln’s estimation of Presidential honours, a story is told of how a supplicant for office of more than ordinary pretensions called upon him, and, presuming on the activity he had shown in behalf of the Republican ticket, asserted, as a reason why the office should be given to him, that he had made Mr. Lincoln president.

“You made me President, did you?” said Mr. Lincoln, with a twinkle of his eye.

“I think I did,” said the applicant.

“Then a precious mess you’ve got me into, that’s all,” replied the President, and closed the discussion.

_Truly Awful._

“When do you think this war will be ended, Mr. Lincoln?” said an impatient citizen. “Why, when we have whipped the slaveowners.” “Then I’m thinking,” replied the citizen, “that you will never live to see its close. I have already seen its clothes, and they are the most blood-stained and bespattered lot I ever saw. But I _trow_, sir, war is sure to spoil the _habits_ of a people, especially when they go to sleep in breeches.”

_Presidential Puns._

When it was told to Lincoln that a division of Burnside’s had been entrapped into a _cul de sac_, Lincoln _said_ he’d cull the _sack_ for his stupidity.

_A Liberal Giver._

Mr. Lincoln, in his happier moments, is not always reminded of a “little story,” but often indulges in a veritable joke. One of the latest reported is his remark when he found himself attacked by the varioloid; he had been recently very much worried by people asking favours. “Well,” said he, when the contagious disease was coming upon him, “I’ve got something now that I can give to everybody.” About the time when there was considerable grumbling as to the delay in forwarding to the troops the money due to them, a western paymaster, in full major’s attire, was one day introduced at a public reception. “Being here, Mr. Lincoln,” said he, “I thought I’d call and pay my respects.” “From the complaints of the soldiers,” responded the President, “I guess that’s about all any of you can pay.”

_Coffee versus Tea._

It is told by a Federal correspondent, who is probably “reliable,” that Mr. Lincoln was walking up Pennsylvania Avenue the other day, relating “a little story” to Secretary Seward, when the latter called his attention to a new sign bearing the name of “T. R. Strong.” “Ha!” says old Abe, his countenance lighting up with a peculiar smile, “T. R. Strong, but coffee are stronger.” Seward smiled, but made no reply. [We don’t see how he could reply after so atrocious a thing as that.]

_Lincoln on Skedaddle._

“Don’t talk to me bosh! I am sickened each day “With your bumkum and tweedle dee twaddle: “Why, on earth, do you tell me our men run away, “When the right term to use is Skedaddle? “None but cow-hearted men, Europeans to wit, “Run away like a herd of scared cattle; “True Yankees! when licked, may Skedaddle a bit, “But ne’er run like base cowards in battle!”

_Miraculous._

Two brothers named Fish were drafted in the city of New York, out of Twenty Seven-street The facetious Abe hearing this, at once declared it to be “A most miraculous draught of _fishes_.”

_Liquor, Boys._

A number of clergymen of the Beecher school waited on the President with a memorial, signed by 7,000 religious Presbyterians, requesting that General Grant be removed on the ground of drunkenness. They got a warm reception from Old Abe for their pains, who retorted thus: “Only tell me,” said he, “where he buys his liquor, I will be obliged to you, and will send a cask of the same liquor to every general in the army.”

_Seasonable._

Alluding to one of the great battles recently fought, the President, in bidding farewell to the general said, “I hear that the rebels complain of a want of salt, I hope when you return you will be able to inform me that after you have as-(_sault_)ed them they will have been sufficiently peppered.”

_Too Deep._

The President at a dinner party related the following with much gusto: “During one of the retreats of the Army of the Potomac, some of the cavalry had a desire to cross, the commanding officer called out to them to ‘form _two deep_.’ One of them, however, in advance of the rest, and up to his horse’s nose in water, called out that he was ‘too deep already.’”

_How to Conquer the South._

The kind words the President said regarding the enemy, called forth a rebuke from an elderly lady who was present. She wondered how he could speak kindly of his enemies, when he should rather destroy them. “What, madam?” replied the President, “do I not destroy them when I make them my friends?”

_Gratuitous Kindness._

When President Lincoln was a very young man, he paid a visit to New York. While there, some thief contrived to ease him of his watch. The next day the young joker inserted the following in the _New York Herald_: “Stolen, a watch worth a hundred dollars. If the thief will return it, he shall be informed, gratis, where he may steal one worth two of it, and no questions asked.”

_Blowing Hot and Cold._

“It’s very hot in the south, Mr. Lincoln, is it not?” said a personal friend to Lincoln, on his return from a visit to an important station of the Federal army. “Very,” was the ready answer, “I saw a woman do her ironing with no other warming power save that of the sunshine, and as I came away she was hanging her kettle out of the window to get her tea ready.”

_Negro Pluck._

On Mrs. Lincoln doubting the heroism of the niggers, her husband related the following:--“A negro at Boston had a severe attack of rheumatism, which finally settled in his foot. He bathed it and rubbed it, but to no purpose. Finally, tearing the bandage off, he stuck it out with a savage grin, and shaking his fist at it, exclaimed, ‘Ache away, dear old feller, I shan’t do nothing more for yer; dis child,’ tapping his breast, ‘can stand it as long as you can, so ache away.’”

_Hirsute Philosophy._

“For a military man,” said a conceited coxcomb, to Abe one day, “don’t you think moustaches becoming?” “Well, sir,” was Abe’s reply, “they may _be coming_, but haven’t yet arrived.”

_Slander._

“It,” said the conductor of State Affairs in America, “would be a perpetual flea hunt if one were obliged to run down all the inuendoes, the inveracities, the insinuations, the suspicions, &c., uttered against him.”

_Change of Climate._

The President of America, while taking a stroll along the wharfs of Boston, U. S., met a tall, gaunt-looking figure, a “digger,” from California, and got into conversation with him. “Healthy climate, I suppose?” “Healthy! it ain’t anything else. Why, stranger, you can choose there any climate you like, hot or cold, and that without travellin’ more than fifteen minutes. Jest think o’ that the next cold morning when you get out o’ bed. There’s a mountain there--the Sawyer Navaday, they call it--with a valley on each side of it, the one hot, and t’other cold. Well, get on the top of that mountain with a double-barrelled gun, and you can, without movin’, kill either summer or winter game, jest as you will.” “What! have you ever tried it?” “Tried it! often, and should have done pretty well, but for one thing.” “Well, what was that?” “I wanted a dog that would _stand both climates_. The last dog I had _froze off his tail_ while pintin’ on the summer side. He didn’t get entirely out of the winter side, you see--trew as you live.” Abe sloped.

_Cruel News._

Admiral Farragut said that his ship was a first rate vessel, but _its crew_ was somewhat ailing. The President immediately ordered a new crew and told poor Farragut to keep his “_cruel_” (crew ill news) to himself for the future.

_Lincoln’s opinion of Mr. Curtain._

When Curtain was put forth as the Republican Candidate for Pennsylvania, the President said, “he believed that _Curtin_ to be nothing more than a _Blind_.”

_A new Motive Power._

A grand mistake was made in the construction of one of the Federal rams, there being insufficient space for stowing the fuel. Upon hearing this he blamed the constructor, and asked him if he intended the vessel to be driven by the _force of circumstances_.

_Southern Hills versus Northern Banks._

“Banks is a good general,” said Sumpter to the President, on a recent occasion. “Yes,” was the reply, “but our Northern _Banks_ are not equal to the Southern _Hills_.”

_The President and the Pleader._

It being hinted to a western pleader that he ought to bring his defence to a close; he answered, “that he would speak as long as he pleased.” “You have spoken longer than you _please_,” said Lincoln, who was standing by his side.

_Waterproof._

“What horrid weather, President,” said a tall rawboned Yankee. “It is; I thought I had altered the condition of your _cly_-mate,” said the President, winking.

_Concerning Congress Men._

It is stated that he was much disgusted at the crowd of officers who some time ago used to loiter about the Washington hotels, and he is reported to have remarked to a member of Congress; “These fellows _and the Congress men_ do vex me sorely.”

Another member of Congress was conversing with the President, and was somewhat annoyed by the President’s propensity to divert attention from the serious object he had on his mind, by ludicrous allusions.

“Mr. Lincoln,” said he, “I think you would have your joke if you were within a mile of hell.”

“Yes,” said the President, “that is about the distance to the Capitol.”

_Inquisitiveness Nonplussed._

Mr. Lincoln has a very effective way sometimes of dealing with men who trouble him with questions. Somebody asked him how many men the rebels had in the field. He replied very seriously, “Twelve hundred thousand, according to the best authority.”

The interrogator blanched in the face, and ejaculated, “My God!”

“Yes, sir, twelve hundred thousand--no doubt of it. You see, all of our Generals, when they get whipped, say the enemy outnumbers them from three or five to one, and I must believe them; we have four hundred thousand men in the field, and three times four make twelve; don’t you see it?”

The inquisitive man looked for his hat soon after “seeing it.”

_The Judge and his Coachman._

One day, when Mr. Bates was remonstrating with Mr. Lincoln against the appointment of some indifferent lawyer to a place of judicial importance, the President interposed with, “Come, now, Bates, he’s not half so bad as you think. Besides that, I must tell you, he did me a good turn long ago. When I took to the law, I was going to court one morning, with some ten or twelve miles of bad made road before me, and I had no horse. The judge overtook me in his waggon. ‘Hello, Lincoln, are you not going to the court-house? Come in, and I’ll give you a seat.’ Well, I got in, and the judge went on reading his papers. Presently the waggon struck a stump on one side of the road; then it hopped off to the other. I looked out, and I saw the driver was jerking from side to side in his seat, so, says I, ‘Judge, I think your coachman has been taking a little drop too much this morning.’ ‘Well, I declare, Lincoln,’ said he, ‘I should not much wonder if you were right, for he has nearly upset me half-a-dozen times since starting.’ So, putting his head out of the window, he shouted, ‘Why, you infernal scoundrel, you are drunk!’ Upon which, pulling up his horses, and turning round with great gravity, the coachman said--‘By gorra! that’s the first rightful decision you have given for the last twelvemonth.’”

_Concerning the President Personally._

Some one was smoking in the presence of the President, and complimented him on having no vices, neither drinking nor smoking.

“That is a doubtful compliment,” answered the President, “I recollect once being outside a stage in Illinois, and a man sitting by me offered me a segar. I told him I had no vices. He said nothing, smoked for some time, and then grunted out, ‘It’s my experience that folks who have no vices have plagued few virtues.’”

_The President’s Vanity._

Old Abe is rather vain of his height, but one day a young man called on him who was certainly three inches taller than the former; he was like the mathematical definition of the straight line--length without breadth. “Really,” said old Abe, “I must look up to you; if you ever get in a deep place you ought to be able to wade out.” That reminds us of the story told of Lincoln, when called from an hotel. He at once obeyed the command of the assembled Yankees, with his wife (somewhat below medium height), and made the following quizzical remarks: “Here I am, and here is Mrs. Lincoln. That’s the _long_ and _short_ of it.”

_Tremendous answer._

“How old is that tree, Abe?” said a friend of the now President, when the latter was engaged in the occupation of rail-splitting. “Well, I am not sure; but I am just about to _axe_ him.”

_Two instances where the President was not reminded of a story._

The President is often naturally bantered about his habit of story-telling.

Dr. Hovey, of Dansville, N.Y., called at the White House, and found the occupant on horseback, ready for a ride. The Dr. approached and said: “Lincoln, I thought I would call and see you before leaving the city, and hear you tell a story.”

Lincoln greeted him pleasantly, and asked him where he was from.

The reply was: “From Western New York.”

“Well, that’s a good enough country without stories,” said the President, and off he rode.

_Public Opinion._

Some moral philosopher was telling the old President one day about the undercurrent of public opinion; he went on to explain it at length, and drew an illustration from the Mediterranean Sea. The current seemed very curiously to flow in both from the Black Sea and the Atlantic Ocean; but a shrewd Yankee, by means of a contrivance of floats, had discovered that in the outlet into the Atlantic only about thirty feet of the surface water flowed inward, while there was a tremendous current under that flowing out. “That,” said Mr. Lincoln, much bored, “that don’t remind me of any story I ever heard of.” The philosopher despaired of making a serious impression by his argument, and left.

_The President’s Secret._

When the Sherman expedition, which captured Fort Royal, was fitting out, there was great curiosity to learn where it had gone. A person, visiting the chief magistrate at the White House, importuned him very much to disclose the destination to him.

“Will you keep it entirely secret?” asked the President.

“Oh, yes, upon my honour.”

“Well,” said the President, “I’ll tell you.” Assuming an air of great mystery, and drawing the man close to him, he kept him a moment awaiting title revelation with an open mouth and great anxiety. “Well,” said he, in a loud whisper, which was heard all over the room, “the expedition has gone to--sea!”

_About the Negro Question._

The story will be remembered, perhaps, of Mr. Lincoln’s reply to a Springfield (Ill.) clergyman, who asked him what was to be his policy on the slavery question.

“Well, your question is rather a good one, but I will answer it by telling you a story. You know Father B., the old Methodist preacher? and you know Fox river and its freshets? Once in the presence of Father B. a young Methodist was worrying about Fox river, and expressing fears that he should be prevented from fulfilling some of his appointments by a freshet in the river. Father B. checked him in the gravest manner. Said he, ‘Young man, I have always made it a rule in my life not to cross Fox river till I get to it!’ ‘And,’ said old Abe, ‘I am not going to worry myself over the slavery question till I get to it!’ Some few days afterwards a Methodist minister called on the President, and on being presented to him, said simply, ‘Mr. President, I have come to tell you that I think we have got to Fox river.’ The old joker thanked the clergyman, and laughed heartily.”

_An extraordinary reply by Old Abe._

One day, it is said, a distinguished New York official was at Washington, and in an interview with old Abe, introduced the question of emancipation. “You see,” said Lincoln, “we’ve got to be mighty cautious how we manage the negro question; if we’re not, we may be like unto the barber out in Illinois, who was shaving a fellow with hatchet face and lantern jaws like mine. The barber put his finger in his customer’s mouth, to make his cheek stick out, but while shaving away he cut through the fellow’s cheek and cut off his own finger! Now, if we don’t play smart about the negro we shall do as the barber did.”

_A Rebuke to people asking trivial questions._

A farmer, not over patriotic, of the State of Virginia, importuned the President to use his influence to have a claim for damage done to his farm by soldiers considered immediately.

“Why, my dear sir,” replied Mr. Lincoln blandly, “I couldn’t think of such a thing; if I considered individual cases, I should find work enough for twenty Presidents!”

“But,” said the persevering sufferer, “couldn’t you just give me _a line_ to Colonel ---- about it? _Just one line?_”

“Ha, ha, ha!” responded Old Abe, “you remind me of old Jock Chase, out in Illinois.”

At this announcement the crowd huddled forward to listen.

“You see, Jock, I knew him like a brother--used to be a lumberman on the Illinois, and he was steady and sober, and the best raftsman on the river. It was quite a trick twenty-five years ago to take the logs over the rapids, but he was skilful with a raft and always kept her straight in the channel. Finally a steamboat was put on, and Jock--he’s now dead, poor fellow!--was made a captain of her. He was always used to take the the wheel, going through the rapids. One day, when the boat was plunging and wallowing along the boiling current, and Jock’s utmost vigilance was being exercised to keep her in the narrow channel, a boy pulled his coat-tail and hailed him with, ‘Stay, Mister Captain! I wish you’d jest stop your boat a minute--_I have lost my apple overboard!_’”

_A Liar._

“I don’t believe him,” said Lincoln, on reading a dispatch from one of his generals; “he is the most notorious liar I ever knew. I have seen him with lies swarming all around him as thick as flies round a horse in autumn.”

_Strong Pills._

“Those pills of Brandredth’s,” said Abe, “are very powerful. I knew a man out west who used to blast rocks with them; and, if thrown into the crater of Ætna, they would stop the _bile_” (_boil_).

_A Sharp Rejoinder._

“How beautiful,” said a poetical friend of the President’s, who was noted for his disregard for personal cleanliness, “is the face of Nature after a shower.” “Aye,” said Abe, “and your’s would look all the better for a wash!”

_Wisdom at a Discount._

“Have you heard,” said Mrs. Lincoln, “that our old friend, Mrs. Cobb, has been prosecuted for bigamy?” “I have,” replied Lincoln, “and am sorry for her, for her crime is that ‘She loved not wisely but _two_ well.’”

_Pickles!_

When Atlanta was destroyed a large quantity of pickles were, inadvertently, destroyed. Lincoln said, “It didn’t matter much, as his generals generally contrived to get their men into no end of _pickles_; but had they desired to have retained them they surely ought to have been _preserved_.”

_A Conundrum._

“Why,” said the President, “is a Southern Summer like the disunited States of America?” His official friends gave it up. “Why,” said the queerist, “because its cold (_gold_) is very difficult to catch.”

_Over Early_ v. _over late._

When it was made known to President Lincoln that Sherman had gained a victory _over_ Early he said that it was a blessing to hear it, “as the victories of the Federal generals were mostly _over late_.”

_The Poet and the President._

A poet was in the habit of pestering the President with his books. On one occasion he brought one to the President, who told him to put it into rhyme. He did so, and brought it back. “Ah!” said Abe, “it will do now; it is rhyme, formerly it was neither rhyme nor reason.”

_Matrimony._

In a mixed company which the President honored with his presence, the topic of conversation turned on matrimony, when one, as is usual, compared it to Heaven, and another to Hell. On its being referred to the President, he, like a philosopher as he is, said “We had better take a middle course and call it Purgatory.”

_Abe and the Picture Dealer._

A New York picture dealer once applied to Abe Lincoln to purchase, at a preposterously high figure, a portrait, which he assured him was the original of Wren, (Sir Christopher) by Hogarth. Abe pretended to scan the picture closely, and then cut the interview short by saying that it was not a portrait of Wren; it looked more like robin (_robbing_).

_A Pun._