Part 1

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A LEGACY OF FUN

BY ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

WITH A SHORT SKETCH OF HIS LIFE.

LONDON: FREDERICK FARRAH, 282, STRAND. 1865.

MEMOIR.

Abe Lincoln, the late President of the United States of America, was born on the 12th of February, 1809, in Hardin County, in the State of Kentucky. His grandfather, who emigrated from Virginia to the above State, was slain by the Indians in 1784. Thomas Lincoln, father of the President, and Nancy Hawks, his mother, were natives of Virginia. The opportunities for education enjoyed by Abraham were few and far between, for at an early age his father needed his assistance in clearing the forest, and making it a fitting dwelling place for man. Still, whenever an opportunity presented itself, it was eagerly grasped, and the result was that, despite of untoward circumstances, Abraham succeeded in acquiring a decent knowledge of his mother tongue and the rudiments of an ordinary education.

“At nineteen,” says one of his biographers, “we find him serving as a common bargeman on a boat plying to New Orleans. In March, 1830, he accompanied his father to Macon County, Illinois, and helped him to build a log cabin for the family home, and he made enough rails to fence in ten acres of land. The next year he was employed as a boat builder to assist in building a flat-bottomed boat, which he afterwards took to New Orleans, and upon his return his employer put him in charge of a store in Illinois.

“In 1832, when the ‘Black Hawk War’ broke out, he joined a company of Volunteer Rifles; and such was his popularity that he was almost immediately unanimously chosen captain by his comrades--an unexpected piece of good fortune which he often said gave him greater pleasure than any subsequent success in life. Here he served for three months only, when he was proposed as a candidate for the Legislature of Illinois, but his opponents being in a majority he was defeated. Soon after this he was appointed post-master of New Salem; and now, having a little leisure time on his hands, he began to study law, borrowing of an evening books from a neighbouring lawyer, and returning them the next morning.

“A survey of Sangamon County was ordered by the Government about this time, and the surveyor offered to depute Mr. Lincoln to survey that portion of the work lying in his part of the county. Nothing daunted, he procured a treatise on surveying, and after reading it, purchased a compass and chain, and _did the work_.

“In 1834 he was elected member of the Legislature of Illinois by a large majority, and was re-elected in 1836, 1838, and 1840. In 1836 he obtained a licence to practice law, and he removed to Springfield, where he entered into partnership with a Mr. Stuart, and rose rapidly in public favour, being very successful as an advocate in jury trials.

“In 1834 he was elected as one of the members of Congress for Illinois. As soon as his Congressional term had expired, he returned to the study of the law until 1856, when we find him nominated for the Vice-Presidency by the Illinois delegates to the Republican States Convention of that year, but this nomination was overruled.

“Two years afterwards and the Convention met at Springfield, and he was unanimously elected as a candidate for the Senate in opposition to Mr. Douglas. In 1860 the Convention met at Chicago to ballot for a candidate for the Presidency, and after a severe and prolonged struggle Abraham Lincoln was elected President of the United States of America.”

The fearful struggle which commenced upon his elevation to the high office of President, is by far too recent to necessitate description. Suffice it to say that from the commencement to the end, the great trait in Lincoln’s character was ever active, viz., indomitable perseverance. This valuable characteristic served him in lieu of more brilliant qualities, and enabled him to outreach men of far larger capacity and infinitely higher genius. He was brutally assassinated in the presence of his wife and friends by John Wilkes Booth, while witnessing a dramatic representation at Washington, on the 14th day of April, 1865.

ABE LINCOLN, THE GREAT AMERICAN JESTER.

_Lincoln and Meagher._

On Lincoln’s receiving a dispatch from Meagher, the Irish General, stating that he had succeeded in capturing an entire division of the seceders, the president remarked that “it was good news, if true; but he suspected it was _Meagher_ (mere) humbug!”

_Hooker’s Appointment._

When Seaward proposed that fighting Joe Hooker should have the command of an entire brigade, Lincoln expressed an approval upon the ground that they “must win by Hook-_er_ by Crook” (hook or by crook).

_Cut Cavendish._

Upon being interrogated why Americans used so much tobacco, Abe replied “because they _chews_” (choose).

_Commodore Wilks._

When the president heard of the capture of Slidell and Mason on board the _Trent_, he foresaw that it would be likely to breed a rupture with England, but dismissed the consideration of it by saying that “should the commander’s foolish conduct place him in difficulties, he would not fail to give Wilks a _hoister_ (an oyster).” On another occasion in alluding to the same personage and affair, he remarked that “it would serve _Wilks_ right if he lost his _place_” (plaice).

_A proper Cognomen._

When Captain Frye, the son of Canon Frye, was, for his distinguished bravery at the Battle of Bull’s Run, jokingly alluded to by Sumner as a son of a gun. Old Abe remarked that “he could with far greater propriety call him a son of a _Canon_” (cannon).

_A Princely Pun._

Upon hearing that our Prince, Alfred, had declined to become King of the Greeks, Abraham remarked that “the reason he did not mount the throne of Greece was because he preferred his own native _isle_” (oil).

_A Severe Retort._

General Grant once applied for permission to be employed in a special service on the ground that he commanded none but tried men. “Yes,” replied the president, “I admit the truthfulness of your plea, for if they have not been tried in the field they have been _tried_ elsewhere!”

_Conundrum._

“Come, Chase,” said Lincoln, on one occasion while sitting _tete-a-tete_ with the great American financier, “I will give you a conundrum: Why is a man who deals in stale jokes like a stock-jobber?” After sundry ineffectual attempts upon the part of his friend to find an answer, the presidential joker gave the following for a reply: “Because he deals in _fun dead_ (funded) property.”

_A Grumbler Answered._

A certain well-known American grumbler once appeared before the president to obtain the dismissal of General Grant upon the ground of drunkenness. “Why,” exclaimed the faultfinder, “he, on one occasion, drank twelve bottles of wine at a sitting.” “That,” said Lincoln, “is more than I can swallow.”

_Loquacity._

A very loquacious personage once applied for a government situation upon the ground that he had no other mode of obtaining a living, having tried several shops and failed at each! “I cannot grant your request,” was the president’s reply, “but I would suggest that you tried a _tongue_ shop.”

_A Slashing Inuendo._

When President Lincoln visited the army of the Potomac, a captain with a face cut and slashed in all directions, complained of the great want of ambulances and the consequent sufferings of the wounded. “I will do my best,” replied Abe, “to supply the deficiency,” and then, turning to another, he remarked that “the captain had no right to complain of the number of his (s) cars.”

_Scriptural Criticism._

Abe Lincoln, who is by no means a bad judge of paintings, was shewn a picture done by a very indifferent hand, and asked to give an opinion of it. “Why,” said the president, the “painter is a very good painter, and observes the Lord’s commandments.” “What do you mean by that, Mr. Lincoln?” said a well-known member of the senate, who was standing by. “Why, I think,” answered Abraham, “that he hath not made to himself the likeness of anything that is in the heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth.”

_A Poultry (paltry) War._

A crony of Abe’s--a man named Payne, was appointed a general at Illinois; in reference to his election the following is recorded, which the president tells with great _gusto_: One day a wealthy old lady, whose plantation was in the vicinity of the camp, came in and inquired for General Payne. When the commander made his appearance, the old lady in warm language told him that his men had stolen her last coop of chickens, and demanded its restoration or its value in money. “I am sorry for you, madam,” replied the general, “but I can’t help it. The fact is, Madam, we are determined to squelch out the rebellion, if it cost every d----d chicken in Tennessee.”

_Lincoln on Physic._

Lincoln once said of an apothecary, that his employment was to pour drugs, of which he knew little, into a body of which he knew less.

_False Accusation._

When General Peck attempted to take Blackwater, in Virginia, fear was expressed, that from his known sternness, he would compromise the honour of the Federal cause by giving the place up to pillage. “No fear,” said Lincoln, “it takes more _pecks_ than one to make a _sack_.”

_How to make Foes._

“When I give away a place,” said Lincoln, to a person who was continually importuning him, “I discover that I always make a hundred foes to one friend.”

_Tough Job._

“Constant practice as a rail-splitter,” said Lincoln “gave me a thorough knowledge of the various grain found in wood, but I never thought ebony would be so tough to work upon, as I have found it to be since I took to dealing with these d--d niggers.”

_The only alternative._

“How shall we get cotton” said a northern manufacturer to the president. “Well, I suppose you must just wait till the southerners _get worsted_,” was Abe’s reply.

_Abe’s Difficulties._

A celebrated American Explorer, while chatting with the president, said that in his late attempt to discover the remains of the unfortunate Sir John Franklin and his crew, he passed through Davis’-straits. “Did you, by God,” said Abe, “then, I should think you are the only person on earth who could pass through mine.”

_Misnomers._

“What are you?” said Lincoln, to a man dressed in fustian, who rudely accosted him in the streets of Washington. “I am a civil engineer” was the reply. “Then,” said the president, “you are like the war now raging, sadly mis-named, for there is nothing civil about you.”

_Deficiency of Fuel._

A ship was lately dispatched by Welles to endeavour to capture the celebrated Southern cruiser, yclept the _Alabama_. After the ship had been absent a short time it was discovered that the supply of coals was deficient. The coals had been supplied by a celebrated New York dealer in that commodity named Heaven. Upon the matter being mentioned to Lincoln, he replied, “Well, he ought to have telegraphed to _Heaven_ for more coals.”

_A Queer Compliment._

When Lincoln sent Admiral ---- to enforce the blockade at Charlestown and Wellington, he said “there was no chance of failure, as the person sent carried with him a _blockhead_ that nothing could penetrate.”

_A slight addition._

A New York lawyer was desirous of being appointed as a judge. “There are only ten,” he exclaimed, “to transact the whole of the state’s affairs.” “And so you want to increase them to one hundred,” said Lincoln. “How so,” said the applicant. “Why, by adding a cipher to them.”

_Preaching out West._

Lincoln is very fond of repeating the following: “I knew an old preacher, out west, who, on a very cold day, when describing hell, said ‘it was an awful place and that the cold was unbearable.’ One of his congregation, at the close of the sermon, took upon himself to ask the preacher why he had described hell as being cold, when all eminent divines said it was the very reverse. ‘Oh, sir,’ said the preacher, ‘I had good reason, for if I had preached the reverse, I should have had them running away to warm themselves.’”

_Tom Thumb._

“I understand, General,” said Lincoln, addressing the celebrated dwarf, Tom Thumb, “that you are about to have the first instalment of a family.” “Yes,” was the general’s reply. “Well,” said the president, “I trust it will be a boy.” “Why,” interrogated the dwarf. “Because I should like your infant to increase my infantry.”

_How a Black’s Made._

“I tell you,” said Seward to Lincoln, one day, “Everything you proclaim is quite right, But to arm the poor nigger is not quite the thing, For two blacks never yet made a white.” “You are wrong, they are equal, no matter their hue, And I’ll prove that in judgment you lack: Only give me your help, and united I’ll prove, That two _whites_ can at least make a _black_.” “My service you claim, and freely ’tis given; Now, the truth of your promise let’s see.” He wrote, “manumission,” then cried, “It is done: _For a black’s never made till he’s free!_”

_Abe’s First Joke._

Abe Lincoln, when a boy, had an uncle who kept a mill down west. Noticing that the mill was going very slow, the young joker, on meeting the miller, said, he could eat the meal faster than the mill ground it. “How long could you do so?” said his uncle, struck by the boy’s remark. “Why, ’till I _starved to death_,” replied the young incorrigible.

_A Wonderful Child._

“American babies,” said Lincoln, during the time of the celebrated baby show, “lick all babies. I have seen one in Massachusetts, only six months old, sitting in its mother’s lap, viewing its own cradle, to see if it could not invent a better, or, at least, suggest some improvement.”

_How to stop thieves._

“Friend Lincoln,” said a celebrated Western farmer, one day, to the president, “thee knows almost everything; can thee tell me how I am to preserve my small beer in the back yard? My neighbours are often tapping it of nights.”--“Put a barrel of old Madeira by the side of it, let the rogues but get a taste of that, and I warrant they’ll never touch your small beer any more.”

_Hopping the twig._

“It is no use, president; wherever I go,” said an officer appointed to enforce the draft, “I find the houses shut up, and the bird flown.” “I see,” said the president, “they are _afraid of the draft_.”

_The best saddles._

There was a dispute at Washington about which were the best saddles for the Federal Cavalry. Lincoln said “the best saddles were decidedly saddles of mutton.”

_An offer rejected._

When Blondin was performing his daring feats at Niagara, he asked Lincoln “if he would mind trusting himself on his back.” The answer was somewhat prophetic, and as follows: “I shall not trust your rope!” (Europe).

_A decided smasher._

“That paper must be rigorously dealt with,” said Welles. “I have already,” said Lincoln “contrived to divide America, and you now want me to smash the _Globe_!”

_Artillery Practice._

When is was reported that General Blunt had let the rebel cavalry escape. The President remarked to the Chief of the War Department, that “the appointment of such a man was a piece of folly, for how could it be expected that _Blunt_ could be _Sharp_.”

_A curious addition._

“Is it not curious, General,” said Abe to McClellan, “that whenever a piece of field artillery is fired, that the number of animals attending it is increased?” “How so?” said the famous Northern General. “Why,” said Lincoln, “it then has not only its four horses in front, but it has also _its moke_ behind.”

_The Cost of War._

“Your fighting, General,” said Lincoln, to a general who had returned disabled, “has been an expensive affair to you.” “How so” “Why,” said the president, “it has cost you a _leg I see_” (legacy.)

_In memory of._

To commemorate the battle of Bull’s run, the Yankees are about to build an hotel there. On hearing of this, Lincoln remarked that “there was a _hot hell_ there before.”

_A Crocodile’s age._

Abe Lincoln prides himself on being the first to make known the means of ascertaining the age of crocodiles. He says that a negro acquainted him with the fact that a sort of bag is placed in the intestines of the crocodiles, which always contains a number of stones corresponding with the years of its life, it being the custom of these animals to swallow a stone on their birthday.

_No Thanks._

Abe, at one of his morning levees, had a visitor who introduced himself as one of the President’s best friends, and soliciting a government post then vacant as the gift of Abe, urged his claim for the appointment upon the ground that it was solely through the applicant’s exertions Mr. Lincoln was elected president. “Oh, indeed;” said Abe, “I now look upon the man, who of all men, has crowned my existence with a crown of thorns--no post for you in my gift, I assure you; I wish you good morning.”

_Merry-Making._

When the Merrimac was about to be christened. The president remarked, “that it was a somewhat strange _title_ as the ship was built, to make mourning rather than _make merry_.”

_A Husband’s Wit._

MRS. L-- was, one day, engaged in making an apple pie, and in the operation contrived to besmear her face with the _batter_. The president observing the same, asked her “the loan of her _batter eye_” (battery).

_The cause discovered._

When the Federals flew before the Southerners at Bull’s run. Lincoln remarked that “it resulted from the army having _too many wings_.”

_Byronic._

Lincoln, upon hearing that an old friend of his had gone to Utah, said “he supposed he had gone to spend his _latter days_ among the _Mormon knights_.”

_A satisfactory conclusion._

When Lincoln read the account of Bull’s run, wherein it said that the Northern army was knocked into a cocked hat. Lincoln drily remarked that “he supposed it had been caught _napping_.”

_A mother’s alarm._

A lady was lamenting to the president that her only son had gone to the war, and asked him what she had better do. “Oh,” he replied, “you can’t do better than buy him _a life preserver_.”

_Punning again._

Governor Seymour telegraphed to Lincoln during the late riots in New York City, that there was no occasion to act so harshly and drag so many citizens off to prison. The reply was that “he (the president) thought quite differently, and that he should never be content till he’d _see more_ (Seymour) there.”

_Idol._

“There you are,” said Mrs. Lincoln one day to her husband--at your idol again--alluding to his well-known love of tobacco. “Yes, my dear,” was his reply, “_I am burning it._”

_A Word for the Irish._

A lieutenant told the president that of all the men that composed his regiment, the Irish gave him the greatest amount of uneasiness. “Sir,” was Lincoln’s reply, “our enemies, the rebels, make the same complaint.”

_Skill of a Young Officer._

McClellan was once speaking to the President of a promising young officer who was slain at the cattle of Bull’s run. “Oh,” said the American Chief, “if there was doubt about his being skilled while living, no one doubts but that _he’s_ (s) _killed_ now.”

_A foot in it._

When Admiral Foote was appointed to command the South Atlantic squadron, he bade Welles to see that the Admiral’s ship was quite sea-worthy. “How is it you are so particular,” said the Naval Chief. “Why,” said Lincoln, with a chuckle, “have I not placed my _Foot_ in it.”

_Lincoln to Ewell_,

ON HIS NOT FORCING HILL TO CROSS THE POTOMAC.

“Dear Ewell,” wrote Lincoln, one day in a pet, “Your tactics have ended in loss; You have let Hill escape, I will venture to bet, It’s _myself_ and not him you made _cross_. Why were you so blinded by Hill’s little _ruse_? It is shameful--nay, more; it is cruel; Your failures, disasters, really give one the blues, And I wish I could only make _you Hill_” (you ill).

_Shakspearian Query._

Abraham is known to be very fond of Shakspeare, yet at times, to indulge in a joke, even at the expense of his favourite. A short time since, he wrote as follows to a popular actor, with whom he is known to be on intimate terms:--

“In _Hamlet_, Act II., Scene 2, is this:--

“‘_King._ He tells me, my dear Gertrude, he hath found the head and source of all your son’s distemper.’

“‘_Queen._ I doubt it is no other but the _main_.’

“Tell me, does her Majesty imply that _Hamlet_ suffered from sea-sickness?”

The reply was that the actor believed that it was not the _main_ cause.

_Running Comment._

On hearing that an American composer was engaged in writing a national hymn----, the President hinted that “He hoped that it would not have too many _runs_ in it.”

_An Impossibility._

“The Americans,” said Chase, “at the present crisis, must not be extravagant--they must live _under_ their incomes.” “How can they do that,” said the President, “when there is no alternative but their living _on_ them.”

_Jack’s Opinion._

The President narrates the following story:--“While passing along the streets of New York, one day, I met a Jack Tar. ‘What ship,’ I enquired, ‘do you belong to?’ ‘What odds is that to you,’ was the reply. ‘Do you know who I am,’ I exclaimed. ‘No.’ ‘Why, I am the President.’ Then, said Jack, ‘_You have a damned good berth of it!_’”

_The House of Congress._

“That house,” said Abe, “is a swan house--all white and fair outside, but only think of the black-legs that are working out of sight.”

[This, if ever said by the President, is an adaptation from Douglas Jerrold.]

_Abe Lincoln’s opinion of a man’s strength._

Upon the receipt of the news that ---- had carried Fort Nagher--the President drily remarked that “He must be a very _strong man_!”

_The Fall of Pride._

An enthusiastic Englishman once said to the President, that the Niagara river was the pride of rivers. “Yes,” was the reply, “but that pride has a tremendous fall.”

_The Captain’s Reply._

“We’re short of prog, said Captain B----, When going on a trip; And as we’ve little got to eat, We’ll dine off the ship. Fear not, but keep your powder dry, And place faith in the Lord; You’ve naught to fear, for seamen cooks Can always cook a-board. The captain quickly did reply, While standing by the wheel, ’Tis little, Abe’rm, that we have-- How can we cook _a deal_.”

_A Strange Similarity._

“Why is the Northern army,” asked the President, “like the post-office at Washington?” “Because it is made up of columns, wings, and squares, and, judging from the past, it is also _doomed_.”

_Economy._

“There is no nonsense about these sardines,” said Mrs. Lincoln, “they are genuine, and came from the Mediterranean.” “Yes,” said Lincoln, “and if you leave them to themselves _they will go a great deal farther_.”

_Where Punch got his Cartoon from._

When Lincoln sent contributions to the Northern army, he wrote to General ---- as follows:--“Dear Sir,--Knowing that the army under your charge requires purging, I herewith send you a _black draft_.”--Yours, Lincoln.

_Pun upon Pun._

The facetious president thus wrote to a friend in Scotland:--

“As however, I am somewhat partial to female authors (Scotch or otherwise), don’t forget to remember me to all the _blue belles_ of Scotland, and to as many _primroses_ as you can find. The remembrance may produce a little _heart’s ease_, and cause their _two-lips_ to bless you.”

_Lincoln at the Play._