Chapter 3
John Bunyan The tinker preacher Bunyan wrote The 'Pilgrim's Progress' we still quote, The prison bars no barrier wrought To lowly Bunyan's lofty thought. Milton In stately language Milton's muse 1678 The Bible story doth diffuse; From 'Paradise Lost' we get our view Of Adam and Eve and Satan too. The Reverend Titus Oates, a scamp, Egregious Popish plots did vamp, Lied roundly for dishonest gains, Got Cat-o'-nine-tails for his pains. Habeas Corpus The 'Habeas Corpus' best of laws 1679 Shields us from prison without cause; 'Twas passed in sixteen-seventy-nine, And means 'Produce him here,' in fine. Van Tromp Admiral Van Tromp, Dutchman bold, With broom at masthead, so 'tis told, The Channel sailed, suggesting he's Swept all the English from the seas. Blake But Blake laughed loud and spread his sails Nought the Dutchman now avails; For he got an awful shocker Right to Davy Jones' locker. But though the Dutch failed to invade, They were not disinclined to trade; So we get 'Hollands,' cheese and hams Fresh from the land of Dykes and Dams. Peace of Breda For fifteen years these Navies fought, 1667 'Till sixteen-six-seven respite brought; The Peace of Breda then succeeded; New York to England was conceded. Plague In sixty-five the Plague appears Fire of London And then the Fire; two awful years 1665-1666 For London--And if more you'd know Consult the Pages of Defoe.
James II. When Charles Two died his brother James 1685-1688 Soon put the country into flames; Papistry he would advance, And for that purpose leagued with France. In sixteen-eight-eight his bigot zeal Religious Test Act would repeal; Seven bold Bishops who defied To the Tower were sent and tried. The country raised a hue and cry So off to France the King doth fly.
William III. His place is filled by William Three 1689-1702 His son-in-law from Dutch countree. This Orange sprig most brave of men With Mary reigns and all things then Went well with us. Macaulay's page Hails him as Hero of the age. In this reign of William Three, Laws were harsh 'gainst burglary; For they'd a very drastic way And hanged the 'Bill Sykes' of that day. National Debt In sixteen-nine-four we have heard 1694 The National Debt was first incurred; To careful folk who would invest 'Twas not devoid of interest. Another National Debt we owe To Iron Jelloids which the foe Depression's worries keep at bay And drive our nervous fears away. Bill of Rights The 'Bill of Rights,' a Charter grand, 1689 In sixteen-eight-nine frees this land From all encroachments of the Crown Hoi Polloi are no longer down.
Queen Anne Good Queen Anne we know is dead; 1702-1714 She reigned twelve years but it is said 'Mrs. Morley,' Marlborough's wife Ruled her more than half her life. Marlborough This was the Duke of Marlborough's day, Who beat the French in every fray; Known for his famous victories At Blenheim and at Ramillies. In seventeen-seven by statute passed English and Scotch unite at last; 'One coinage and one Parliament' Both Nations ever since content. About this time, so runs the story, Much is heard of 'Whig and Tory'; And shortly after there was rife Many a sign of party strife. Dr. Watts Good Dr. Watts' moral lays 1674-1748 Were much reputed in these days; And still we lisp at Mother's knee 'How doth the little Busy Bee.' Pope Pope, letter-writer and great poet, 1688-1744 Most quotable of all (ye know it), At Twickenham penned his caustic verse Epigrammatic, smooth and terse.
George I. The House of Stuart being ended, 1714-1727 George of Hanover (descended From daughter of King Jamie One) Comes over to ascend our throne. Of English George knew not a word, Most awkward, not to say absurd, At Cabinet Councils to preside; So from this time the practice died.
George II. His son George Two succeeding then 1727-1760 In person fought at Dettingen. Both these Kings had various fights In Scotland with the Jacobites. William Tull brings in Post Chaises; Now the people ride like 'blazes.'; Many can't for they're in trouble, Ruined by the South Sea Bubble. Wesleys John and Charles Wesley, men of mind, 1703-1791 Revive Religion in Mankind. Founding a Church both broad and low, One-seven-three-nought A. Domini. Beginning as an office clerk, Clive As soldier Clive soon made his mark, 1746 And conquered India for this Nation; Self 'stounded at his moderation. Bridgwater, Gilbert, Brindley, three Great Engineers this Centurie, Canals Useful canals in England made, The flowing arteries of trade. Quebec General Wolfe seventeen-five-nine 1759 Captures Quebec--a victory fine, And Canada's the splendid prize For old 'John Bull' to colonise.
George III. And now of Georgey number Three: 1760-1820 Ut mulus obstinatus he Had full sixty years of reign And a big family to train.
Georgian We will but very lightly scan Times The customs known as 'Georgian'; The times of powdered Belles and Beaux; Patches, paint and furbelows; Of beauteous maids and gallants gay And merry routs at Ranelagh; Gaming parties, cards or pool And 'Fops' of the Beau Brummel School.
When rank and fashion History tells All took their cures among the Wells; And sipped in manner hesitating Daily doses nauseating. But we know better how to act Our cures we purchase more compact For in the Chemists' you can see 'Iron Jelloids' priced at 'One and Three.' Lord 'Periwig' and gay 'Fallal' In Sedan Chairs frequent the Mall. 'Taxis' and 'Tubes' we beg to state Came in at a much later date. When Brummel, the historic Beau, Made laws for dress and outward show; Whose vests were poems, whose coats were dreams Of gorgeous beauty, so it seems; Who figured in the public gaze A 'Star turn' with his courtly ways; Who fixed the style of a cravat, Lord of Appeal anent a hat. And My Lord Chesterfield was quite The model of the most polite Wrote famous letters. It's a shame, A settee has usurped his name. Dr. Johnson And Dr. Johnson at his ease 1709-1784 Sipped his tea at the 'Cheshire Cheese,' Or at the 'Mitre' of renown, Spreading his wit throughout the Town. Garrick When Garrick as the 'Moody Dane' Drew the Town to Drury Lane, Mrs. Siddons Sarah Siddons was all the rage Tragedy Queen of every age. Highwaymen armed to the teeth Waited for prey on Hounslow Heath; Per contra the Highwayman's pate Was oft strung up at Tyburn Gate. Capt. Cook It's only right a History book 1728-1779 Should mark the feats of Captain Cook; So jot it down in these our Rhymes That round the World he sailed three times. Inventions These are the days of much invention 1767 The 'Spinning Jenny' we will mention; The 'Cotton Mule' and 'Power Loom'; For Authors' names there's lack of room. Adam Smith In his book 'The Wealth of Nations' 1766 Adam Smith shows the relations Governing the Art of Trading; With influences far pervading. 'Man buys as cheaply as he can And sells as dearly, that's his plan.' 'Supply Demand each other feed Dearer markets cheap ones bleed.' Jenner Jenner brings in vaccination, 1796 Boon to every generation; By similar methods now devised Many an ill is exorcised.
American War In seventeen-sixty and fifteen 1775 Our Taxes raise the Yankees' spleen. 'Unrepresented, you've no right To tax us, therefore we will fight.' Washington, Franklin and the rest Formed a Republic quite the best; We've long been friends. Let us rejoice; But at the time we had no choice.
French In France in times of Louis Seize (says) Revolution Oppression dire through countless days Roused Revolution with its tears Mainly through books with wrong ideas. Napoleon I. From Revolution's putrid mess 1793-1815 A Conqueror's born, quite conscienceless, Millions of men and women died Victims to Napoleon's pride. He plunged all Europe into Wars His own ambition the sole cause. England as usual did her 'bit' And 'Boney' Europe had to quit. During these years of storm and stress Two noble pilots we possess 'Chatham and Son' (Pitt is their name), Illustrious on the scroll of fame. Nelson 1805 Here we must our homage pay To Nelson of Trafalgar Day; Wellington To Wellington the same is due, Who crowned his fame at Waterloo.
And 'Shiver my timbers,' 'Heave ahoy,' The Tar, those times a breezy boy With shiny hat and pigtail long And love for lass and glass and song. Discovery of About this date Electric Force Electric Force Dawns on mankind. Before, of course, In Lightning it was all about, With noise enough to be found out. Coelo eripuit fulmen, 'Twas said of Franklin, as ye ken. Philosopher of bygone age Accept our homage on this page. But who'd have thought it that Galvani When making soup, (this is no blarney) By his power of observation On a frog's legs' oscillation Should find how by chemic ways Electric currents we can raise? To call him 'great' is no flattery; He set us on the wondrous battery. This simple little frog, Heigh Ho! The frog who would a-wooing go; Thy part in electricity Is unmatched eccentricity. This new discovered fact, of course, Leads to the Telegraph of Morse, The Motor and Electric Light The Telephone and more in sight.
Ireland Of Ireland but a word or two. Celts were her people and they knew Not benefit of Roman Ruling; Young Europa's Infant Schooling. In century five St. Patrick great Converts them to the Christian state; And from this Western Isle afar, English and Scotch converted are. Danes and Two hundred years from nine-nought-nought Ireland Danes raiding Erin trouble brought; And left them in chaotic state No longer masters of their fate. In those days 'twas 'Woe to the weak,' Saxons and Danes had made us squeak, Then came the Normans in great force And civilised us in due course. They tried the same with Ireland green; But only sowed a feud between The land they'd conquered and Erin, Leading to endless quarrelling. England accepts the Reformation, Catholic still the Irish nation Cromwell Sees Cromwell with them battle join Boyne And William beat them at the Boyne. William Pitt in eighteen-nought-nought Ireland and England's welfare sought Act of Union By 'Act of Union' which he passed; 1800 But still the wretched squabbles last.
George IV. Now come George Four and Will his brother; William IV. With these two kings we need not bother; The first a gourmand, bon viveur, The next a sailor, bluff, sans peur. Trevithick, Newcomen, and Watt Are names will never be forgot; For their crude engines were the source Of man's control of Steam's wild force. Steam By eighteen-thirty man has tamed 1830 Steam to his use; and widely famed Was puffing 'Rocket' with the power Of doing thirty miles an hour. Steam prompts man to make machines And Factories rise with all that means; Divided more and more is labour Each man leans more on his neighbour. For twenty million pounds the nation Buys our slaves' emancipation. Reform Act In eighteen-three-two, happy year, The great Reform Act doth appear. Steam vessels the Atlantic cross. The penny post comes into force. And double knocks bring joys and thrills Sometimes cheques, more often bills. Corn Law The Corn Law duty's brushed away, Repeal 18 Hence we enjoy cheap bread to-day.
We fain would linger, but alas, These are the periods we must pass. So gentle reader do not grin At sight of cumbrous crinoline. Victoria Since Queen Victoria's palmy days 1837-1901 Woman has altered all her ways. In those days she was meek and mild And treated almost like a child; Was brought up in a narrow zone; And couldn't call her soul her own. She vegetated, 'tis well known Under the 'cloche' of Chaperone. Woman's But now the 'Franchise' she obtains, Status And her own property retains. What a difference from then, She 'carries on' just like the men. And now at Westminster we see A lady sitting as M.P.
Darwin Charles Darwin offers us a Key 1809-1882 To help unlock the mystery Of Evolution's wondrous span From Protoplasm up to Man. Livingstone The traveller, great Scotch Livingstone, 1813-1873 Wandered o'er Afric's trackless Zone; Where no white man had ever trod Teaching the blacks the Word of God. Crimean War English, French and Turks unite 'Gainst Russia in Crimean fight. Indian Mutiny The Indian Mutiny now arose, 'Fat' was the cause that led to blows. Atlantic Cable With efforts many men most able Lay the great Atlantic Cable. Suez Canal Lesseps unites for you and me The Medit'ranean and Red Sea. Education Act The Education Act proposes To make us all as wise as Moses; In eighteen-seven-nought it passed, But each is learning to the last. Ballot Act A couple of years from this we note 1872 The Ballot Act gives secret vote; Before this Act, e'en since we fear, Folks sold their votes for draughts of beer.
Edward VII. Edward Seven, 'Peacemaker' named, 1901-1910 His efforts to this end far famed. We know it was no idle chance His 'Entente cordiale' with France. True friendship and the peace we want The outcome of this grand Entente. Though not accented in our rhyme We've been fighting all the time; And it's a fact which must be stated Our chief opponent (so 'twas fated) Wars with Our nearest neighbour o'er the Sea France Whose 'No' is 'Non'; whose 'Yes' is 'Oui'; Like two schoolboys always sparring Eight hundred years together warring; From Hastings unto Waterloo We'd battles with the brave 'Mossoo.' Now Honi soit qui still y pense; Hurrah for England! Vive la France!
And here we come to end our rhymes We've reached the present stirring times, When one and all lent helping hand To keep secure the Motherland. When men went forth to fight the foe And women took to spade and hoe, And donning smocks of nattiest styles, Worked on the land for Farmer Giles. Now three cheers for the dainty maids, Government clerks of different grades;
Nor are we likely to forget Our debt to the Munitionette. The We seem to have subdued the Hun Present Time And so farewell (our task is done) To Anzacs-Indians-Poilus-Yanks-- Italians-Belgians-Japs-and-Tanks.
Concerning MEN and TONICS
_by the late DR. ANDREW WILSON._
_"Many a man feels so thoroughly out of sorts, and thinks himself so dreadfully ill, that he is rather surprised when the doctor tells him there is not really anything seriously the matter with him at all; that he just needs a tonic, and should put the brake on as regards work, worry, or late hours._
_"It is this 'run-down-ness,' 'out-of-sorts-ness,' 'below-par-ness,' which lead to all kinds of fanciful fears, such as having Brain Fag, Neurasthenia, and other conditions startling by name at least._
_"Now I have found the form of Iron Jelloids put up with Quinine (called Iron Jelloids No. 2A), to be an excellent Tonic in all such cases. When a man or youth feels out-of-sorts, and is not so ill as to require medical advice, he cannot do better than try a Fortnight's Treatment of Iron Jelloids No. 2A, as a suitable and effective remedy._
_For DEBILITY, WEAKNESS and NERVINESS, Men find the Ideal Tonic and Restorative in Iron Jelloids No. 2A._
_For ANAEMIA in Men and Women (shown by breathlessness on slight exertion, pallor, depression and weakness) Doctors have for many years prescribed the well-known Iron Jelloids No. 2.--there is nothing better._
_A Ten Days Treatment (price 1/3) will convince you._
_Mr. J. R. PENNINGTON, Chemist, late of Worksop, writes:--"I always handle Iron Jelloids with pleasure as my customers are invariably satisfied with them."_
Reliable Tonic for Men IRON JELLOIDS No. 2A. For Anaemia in Men & Women IRON JELLOIDS No. 2. For Growing Children IRON JELLOIDS No. 1.
_Of all Chemists. A Ten Days Treatment 1/3. Large size 3/-_
_Manufactured by The Iron Jelloid Co., Ltd., 189, Central Street, London, E.C.1. England._
+--------------------------------------------------------------+ | | | Transcriber's Note | | | | Details of minor typographical corrections and retained | | mis-spellings are provided in the source of the associated | | html version. | | | +--------------------------------------------------------------+
End of Project Gutenberg's A Humorous History of England, by C. Harrison