Part 17

*=Tippertant=. A young upstart.--S.W.

*=Trip=. A brood or flock, as 'A vine trip o' vowels (fowls).' In a MS. in the Bodleian a herd of tame swine is defined as a _trip_, while one of wild swine is a _sounder_.--S.W. (Deverill.)

*=Tucky=. Sticky.--S.W.

*=Turning-the-barrel=. A game in which two children stand back to back, locking their arms behind them, and lifting each other by turns from the ground.--S.W. (Deverill.)

=Under-creep=. _v._ To get the upper hand of by deceit, to overreach any one.--S.W. (Britford and Harnham.)

*=Underground Shepherd=. _Orchis mascula_, L., Early Purple Orchis.--S.W. (Charlton.)

=Unhealed=. See ~Heal~.

=Vitty=. Close, closely. Cp. _fitly_, Eph. iv. 16.--N.W.

*=Warning-stone=. _Add_:--

'The bakers take a certain pebble, which they put in the vaulture of their oven, which they call the warning-stone: for when that is white the oven is hot.'--AUBREY'S _Nat. Hist. Wilts_, p. 43, ed. Brit.

*=Water-sparrow=. _Salicaria phragmitis_, the Sedge Warbler. Cp. ~Brook-sparrow~.--S.W. (Deverill.)

=Whinnock=. To whimper.--N.W.

=Whinnocky=. A whinnocky child is one that is always ailing and whimpering.--N.W. (Clyffe Pypard.)

=White-livered=. _Add_:--S.W. (Deverill.)

=Winter-stuff=. Winter-greens.--N.W.

*=Witch-hazel=. _Ulmus montana_, Sm.

'In Yorkshire is plenty of trees, which they call elmes; but they are wich-hazells, as we call them in Wilts.'--AUBREY'S _Nat. Hist. Wilts_, p. 54, ed. Brit.

=Wrastle=. _Add_:--Measles, for instance, 'wrastles' all over the face very quickly.

*=Zwail=. To shake about: to swing the arms.--S.W. (Deverill, &c.)

SPECIMENS OF DIALECT

We have thought it advisable to supplement the brief examples of folk-talk which will be found in the body of this work by a few somewhat longer specimens, which may be taken as accurately representing the speech current at the present time among the villages in North Wilts. Mr. Slow has kindly added a similar specimen for South Wilts. The extracts from Akerman exemplify the North Wilts speech of some fifty or sixty years ago.

EXTRACTS FROM THE GENUINE REMAINS OF WILLIAM LITTLE[1].

By J. Y. AKERMAN.

(From _Wiltshire Tales_, pp. 165-179.)

[North Wilts.]

I.

There be two zarts o' piple in this here world ov ourn: they as works ael day lang and ael the year round, and they as dwon't work at ael. The difference is jist a graat a-year, and they as dwon't work at ael gets the graat--that's zartin!

II.

It's oondervul to me how thengs _do_ move about whenever a body's got a drap o' zummut in's yead. Last harrest, a'ter zupper, at th' house yander, I walked whoam by myzelf, and zeed the moon and the zeven stars dancin' away like vengeance. Then they girt elmen trees in the close was a dancin' away like Bill Iles and his mates at a morris. 'My zarvice to 'e,' zays I; 'I haups you won't tread on my twoes;' zo I went drough a sheard in th' hedge, instead o' goin' drough th' geat. Well, when I got whoam, I managed to vind the kay-hole o' th' doower--but 'twas a lang time afore I could get un to bide still enough,--and got up stayers. Massy upon us! the leetle table (I zeed un very plain by the light o' th' moon) was runnin' round th' room like mad, and there was th' two owld chayers runnin' a'ter he, and by and by, round comes the bed a'ter they two. 'Ha! ha!' zays I, 'that's very vine; but how be I to lay down while you cuts zich capers?' Well, the bed comed round dree times, and the vowerth time I drowd myzelf flump atop ov un; but in th' marnin' I vound myzelf laying on the vloor, wi' ael me duds on! I never _could_ make out this.

III.

I've allus bin as vlush o' money as a twoad is o' veathers; but, if ever I gets rich, I'll put it ael in Ziszeter bank, and not do as owld Smith, the miller, did, comin' whoam vrom market one nite. Martal avraid o' thieves a was, zo a puts his pound-bills and ael th' money a'd a got about un, in a hole in the wall, and the next marnin' a' couldn't remember whereabouts 'twas, and had to pull purty nigh a mile o' wall down before a' could vind it. Stoopid owld wosbird!

IV.

Owld Jan Wilkins used to zay he allus cut's stakes when a went a hedgin', too lang; bekaze a' cou'd easily cut 'em sharter if a wanted, but a' cou'dn't make um langer if 'em was cut too shart. Zo zays I; zo I allus axes vor more than I wants. Iv I gets that, well and good; but if I axes vor little, and gets less, it's martal akkerd to ax a zecond time, d'ye kneow!

V.

Maester Tharne used to zay as how more vlies was cot wi' zugar or honey than wi' vinegar, and that even a body's enemies med be gammoned wi' vine words. Jim Pinniger zeemed to thenk zo too, when a run agin the jackass one dark night. Jem tuk th' beawst vor th' devil, and cot un by th' ear. '_Zaat's yer harn, zur_' (Soft's your horn, sir), zays Jem.

VI.

Old Iles was drunk vor dree days together last Lammas, and a laid down by the doower, and wanted zomebody to hauld un. When they axed if a'd ha' a leetle drap mwore, a'd zeng out, 'Noa, noa, I won't ha' a drap.'--'Do'e,' zaid they,--'do'e ha' a drap mwore.'--'Noa, I won't, not a drap,' a grunted. At last another tried un, and then th' owld bwoy cried out, 'Noa, I can't get a drap mwore down m';--drow't auver m'veace!'

VII.

Measter Goddin used to zay as how childern costed a sight o' money to breng um up, but 'twas all very well whilst um was leetle, and zucked th' mother, but when um begun to zuck the vather, 'twas nation akkerd.

VIII.

Measter Cuss, and his zun Etherd, went to Lonnun a leetle time zence; and when um got to their journey's ind, Measter Cuss missed a girt passel a carr'd wi' un to th' cwoach. 'Lor', vather!' zays Etherd, 'I zeed un drap out at 'Vize!' (Devizes.)

IX.

When I was a young man I had a dog, a precious 'cute un a was too! A'd catch a hare like a grayhound. I've cot a scare o' rabbuts wi' him in one night. By and by zomebody zays to the kippur, thuck William's got a dog as plays th' devil wi' ael th' game. Zo th' kippur comes up to m' one day, and zays, zays he, 'Maester Little, thuck dog o' yourn's a bad un; a gwos huntin', I'm towld.' 'Lar bless'e!' zays I, 'a wou'dn't harm a mouse, that a wou'dn't.'--'Dwon't b'lieve it!' zays he. 'Come along wi' I by thuck copse yonder.'--Zo as us walked alang, up jumps a hare and away a scampers. 'Hollo! hollo!' zays I to the dog, but a slunk behind m' _di_rectly wi's tail between's legs. 'Ha!' zays th' kippur, 'I b'lieves 'e now, Little. Them as zays your dog hunts be liars, that's zartin. I'll be cussed if I dwon't thenk a's vrightened o' th' game, that I do!' and zo a walked away, and wished m' good marnin'.--'Zo, ho!' thought I; 'you be 'nation 'cute, you be, Maester Kippur. If instead o' "_hollo_!" I'd a cried "_coom hedder_!" a'd a run a'ter thuck hare like mad!'

[_Note._--The point of this story is that the poacher's dog had been trained to understand the usual orders in _exactly the opposite sense_, as the Devonshire smugglers' horses were in old days. Thus, the more a smuggler called on his horse to stop, when he was challenged by an Excise officer, the faster it would gallop off, the owner all the while apparently endeavouring to check it but really urging it on. See Mrs. Bray's _Description of Devon_.]

X.

'How far d'e cal't to Zirencester, my friend?' zays a Cockney genelman one day to owld Pople, as a wor breakin' stwones on th' road. 'Dwont kneow zich a please,' zays he, scrattin's yead, 'never yeard on't avore!'--'What!' zays the genelman, 'never heard o' Zirencester?'--'Noa,' zays he, 'I aint.'--'Why, it's the next town.' 'Haw! haw!' zays Pople; 'you means _Ziszeter_; why didn't'e zay so? it's about vower mile off.'--He was a rum owld customer, thuck owld Pople. One day zomebody axed un how var't was to Ziszeter. 'Ho! dree miles this weather.' (It was nation dirty and slippy.) 'Why so?' zaid the man to'n; 'Ho, it's about two miles in vine weather; but when it's hocksey, like this, we allows a mile vor zlippin' back!'

FOOTNOTE:

[1] William Little was a shepherd in North Wilts, and was an old man when Akerman was a boy.

THE HARNET AND THE BITTLE.

BY J. Y. AKERMAN.

[North Wilts.]

A Harnet zet in a hollow tree,-- A proper spiteful twoad was he,-- And a merrily zung while a did zet His stinge as zharp as a baganet, 'Oh, who's zo bowld and vierce as I?-- I vears not bee, nor wapse, nor vly!' _Chorus_--Oh, who's zo bowld, etc.

A Bittle up thuck tree did clim', And scarnvully did luk at him. Zays he, 'Zur Harnet, who giv' thee A right to zet in thuck there tree? Although you zengs so nation vine, I tell'e it's a house o' mine.' _Chorus_--Although you zengs, etc.

The Harnet's conscience velt a twinge, But growin' bould wi' his long stinge, Zays he, 'Possession's the best law, Zo here th' shasn't put a claw. Be off, and leave the tree to me: The Mixen's good enough vor thee!' _Chorus_--Be off, and leave, etc.

Just then a Yuccle passin' by Was axed by them their cause to try. 'Ha! ha! it's very plain,' zays he, 'They'll make a vamous nunch for me!' His bill was zharp, his stomack lear, Zo up a snapped the caddlin pair. _Chorus_--His bill was zharp, etc.

MORAL.

All you as be to law inclined, This leetle story bear in mind; For if to law you ever gwo, You'll vind they'll allus zarve'e zo; You'll meet the vate o' these 'ere two: They'll take your cwoat and carcass too! _Chorus_--You'll meet the vate, etc.

From _Wiltshire Tales_, pp. 96-97.

[A phonetic version of this song, representing the Chippenham dialect, will be found at pp. 28, 29 of Ellis's _English Dialects--their Sounds and Homes_, where it is pointed out that _stinge_ (with _g_ soft) appears to have been invented by Akerman for the sake of the rhyme here.]

_From_ THE VARGESES.

BY J. Y. AKERMAN.

[North Wilts.]

'Now, do'e plaze to walk in a bit, zur, and rest'e, and dwont'e mind my measter up agin th' chimley carner. Poor zowl an hin, he've a bin despert ill ever zence t'other night, when a wur tuk ter'ble bad wi' th' rheumatiz in's legs and stummick. He've a bin and tuk dree bottles o' doctor's stuff; but I'll be whipped if a do simbly a bit th' better var't. Lawk, zur, but I be main scrow to be ael in zich a caddle, ael alang o' they childern. They've a bin a leasin, and when um coomed whoame, they ael tuk and drowed the carn ael among th' vire stuff, and zo here we be, ael in a muggle like. And you be lookin' middlinish, zur, and ael as if'e was shrammed. I'll take and bleow up th' vire a mossel; but what be them bellises at? here they be slat a-two! and here's my yeppurn they've a'bin and scarched, and I've a-got narra 'nother 'gin Zunday besepts thisum!'--_Wiltshire Tales_, pp. 137-8.

THOMAS'S WIVES.

[North Wilts: Clyffe Pypard.]

'Lawk aw! if 'tean't Thomas! and how be you? I han't seen 'ee fur a lenth o' time.--An' they tells I as you've a got a new missis agean! That's the vowerth, yun it?'

'Ees, I 'spose te-uz. Thur, didden sim right 'snaw wi'out a 'ooman down thur, 'tes sich a girt gabborn place thuck wold house. Do zim zart o' unkid to bide thur by yerself. 'Tes so lonesome, perticler night-times. Thur yun't narra naighber aniest 'ee, an' if a body wur ill ur anythin' o' that, 'tud be just about a job 'snaw.'

'An' do the new missis shoot 'ee main well?'

'Aw thur, I ban't got nothen to zaay agen th' 'ooman. Th' 'ooman's wull enough as fur as I knaaws on. Her's a decent staid body 'snaw. 'Tean't likely as I wur a gwain to hae no hans wi' none o' they giglettin' wenchen--they got so many 'oonderments to 'em when they be so young.'

'An' 'cordin' as I da hire tell on't her've a got a bit o' money saved, haven' her?'

'O' course her got summat 'snaw, but Lor' bless 'ee! tean't nothen near as much as vawk says for.'

'Wull, 'tean't no odds to I, but they was a zaayin' up at public as aal your wives had zummut when they come to you; an' they did zaay as you must ha' made a main good thing out on't wi' one an' tother on em!'

'What good is it to hearken to they? I tell 'ee what 'tes--What wi' bringin' on 'em in an' carr'n on 'em out, 'tean't but _vurry_ leetle profit to't!'

E. H. G.

MANSLAUGHTER AT 'VIZE 'SIZES.

[North Wilts: Devizes.]

_Counsel._ What do you know about this case?

_Witness._ What do 'ee zaay? I be zo hard o' hirin', I caan't hire nothen, wi'out I comes handier to 'ee.

_Counsel._ What did you see the prisoner do?

_Witness._ Aw! I tell'd 'ee avore as I zeed it aal. I wurden no furder awaay vrom un then I be vrom thuck owld gent thur [the Judge]. Bill Stevens he come out an' a zaays, zaays he, 'I'll breäk thee mazzard vor the'!' an' a offer'd to hit un wi' a graft as he wur a carr'n. An' Jim he up wi' he's showl an' hut un auver th' yead wi't. An' if _he_ hadden a hut he, he'd a hut _he_, an' if he'd a hut _he_ as _he_ hut he, he'd a killed _he_, 'sted o' _he_ killin' he! That's aal as I knaws on't!

E. H. G.

HOW OUR ETHERD GOT THE PEWRESY.

[North Wilts: Hilmarton.]

Etherd he bin sart o' rough fur this long time, wuver he never bin not to say well since he wur bad wi' the influenzy las' year. A ketched a cowld the day as thuck rain wur. A wur up at hill wi' the ship out in the bleat, an' a cudden get into the succour nowur, and vor aal as he wur droo wet he wur foc'd to bide in't aal day. An' when a cum whoam at night a says to I, 'Mary,' a says, 'I feels _ter'ble_ middlin'. I got a mind to ha' a bit o' zupper an gwo to bed.' Wull, I got un out the berd an' cheese out o' the panterny, but do you thenk as he cud yeat or a mossel on't? not if anybody had a gied he the _wurld_, a cudden't, a said. An' a simmed zart o' shrammed wi' the cowld, an' a did kip on a coughin a'ter he got into bed, and simmin to I a never stopped till the clock hut dree, and then that rampin pain cum on at such a rate in hes zide, as he didden knaw wur to get to, nur what to do. An' that follered on aal day, and I cudden get un to take next akin to nothin', and allus a wantin summut to drenk. That wur aal he's cry. Thur I made _shower_ as he'd a died avore the doctor come. Bill he went in to fetch un, but a never come till Vriday aaternoon, and a said as he'd a got the pewresy and he'd send un along a bottle o' medecine, but Etherd he wudden take it 'snaw, fur a said twern't nuthen in _this wurl_' but a drop o' water wi' some peppermint in't or summat o' that. An' Sally Moore her come in wi' some hoss-fat as come out o' thuck owld hoss o' Mas' John's as vull in the pit, an' her 'suaded I to rub some o' that into un, an' that sim to do he more good bless 'ee thun aal the doctor's medecine. Wuver the doctor he come agean isterday marnin', and a axed un how a wur. An' a spawk up bless 'ee and telled un straight as twern't nor a mozzel o' good fur he to zend no more o' thuck stuff as he zent avore, fur a zaid as twern't wuth a louse's liver! The doctor he didden like ut vurry well, but a telled I as he'd channge it, an' zo a did. A let the bwoy ride back along wi' un, an' a brought back this yer bottle wi' summat wrote on't. But thur I bean't no scholard, and the bwoy he cudden rade it, but a zaid as the doctor tell'd he as a wurden to take but one spoonvull on't once in vower hours. Zo I gied un a dawse, but he 'suaded I to gie un two spoonvulls, and I'll warn as a hadden a took ut _vive_ minutes avore twer _aal awver'n--back, bully, an' zides_! Now that's what I caals zome o' the right zart that, and I got faith as that'll do he good!

E. H. G.

GWOIN' RAYTHER TOO FUR WI' A VEYTHER.

[North Wilts: Clyffe Pypard.]

My veyther now, he never 'oudden yeat none o' this here Hostilian meät nor nuthen o' that. I axed un one day why a 'oudden, and a zes, 'Do meak I shrill, the vurry _sight_ on't do--they tells I as't do come vrom wur the War is, an' 'tes made o' souldiers a pretty deal on't. Wuver nobody shan't 'suade I to hae none on't.' And he 'oudden, bless 'ee! not if you was to gie un _ever_ so!

Wull, my brother Jim, he kneowed this o' course, an' he do most in general ax veyther an' mother an' aal on us to come to zupper wi' he about Christmas time--he wur allus vurry good for anything o' that--an' laas' year aal on us had a zot down to zupper, an' ther wur a girt pie at Jim's end, an' Sarah her had a piece o' biled bif--ur wur 'twer mutton I caan't rightly mind--wuver dwon't meak no odds as I kneows on which twer--an' Jim he zes to veyther, 'Veyther, which be a gwain to hae, some o' this here pie ur some o' thick biled bif as Sally got down tother end?' An' veyther zes, 'What's the pie made on then?' An' Jim he zes, ''Tes mutton, yunnit, Sally?' 'Aw,' zes veyther, 'I wur allus _ter'ble_ vond o' mutton pie, an' our Mary her never 'oon't gie I none on't at whoam.'

Zo veyther he had a plate vull on't, an' a begun a gettin' this yer pie into un at a _terrible_ rate, an' when a done, Jim zes, 'What be gwain at now, veyther? Wull 'ee channge yer mind an' hae some o' tother?' 'No,' zes veyther, 'I'll hae some more o' thuck pie. I caals it oncommon good. I dwont knaw when I've a teasted anythen as I likes better'n thuck pie.' An' a did jist about enjoy hesself, bless 'ee, awver's zupper.

An' when a done, Jim zes, 'Veyther,' a zes, 'Do 'ee kneow what thuck pie wur made on?' 'Noa,' zes veyther, 'I dwont, any more'n you zed as 'twer meäd o' mutton, didden 'ee? Let it be whatever 'twill, 'twer uncommon good.'

An' Jim he looks at un zart o' comical, an' a zes, 'Veyther, 'twer meäd o' some o' thuck Hostilian meat as you zed as nobody shudden 'suade 'ee to yeat none on!'

An' zimmin to I veyther's feace turned zart o' aal colours, and a zes, 'Lawk a massey! dwon 'ee tell I that, ur I shall drow't aal up agean!' An' none on us dursen zaay no more to un, a look'd so guly, we was aveard as he 'ood.

But aater 'bout a haaf an hour Jim he zes, 'Veyther, an' how d'ee feel now?' An' veyther zes, 'Aw, 'tes better now,' but a zes, 'I thenk,' a zes, 'as this here is a gwoin' rayther too fur wi' a veyther!'

E. H. G.

NOTHEN AS I LIKES WUSSER.

[North Wilts: Clyffe Pypard.]

'Tes allus a caddlin' zart of a job takin' they fat beasties to Swinnun Market, but dall'd if ever I had such a doin' wi'em afore as 'twer isterday. 'Twer thuck thur white-veaced un as Measter bought off a ole Collins laas' yer as done it. I'd a nauticed as he wur a pankin' tur'ble as we was a gwain up the hill, an' as zoon as iver he got vorright the Red Lion he 'oudden go no furder,--an' thur a wur led down in the middle o' the strit. Thur yun't nothen as I likes wusser'n that, bless 'ee! Thur be such a sight o' 'oondermentin' chaps a gaapsin' about thur allus, a body caan't bide quiet nohow fur their maggots. And then if 'ee ses arra word to 'em they puts 'ee in the _Noos_, an' that's wussern' aal on't! Thuck girt gaapus Bill Wilkins come up, an' a begun a laafin' at I, an' a axed wur I'd a slep on the rwoad laas' night.--Dall'd if I hadden a mine to ha' gien he what-for thur-right, if't hadden a bin fur the narration as they'd a made on't. A wur allus a terrible voolhardy zart of a chap, an' I niver coudden away wi' a lot o' that 'oondermentin'. Simmin to I I'd zooner walk ten mile roun' than hae to stan up in 'Ootton strit like a vool wi' they chaps a terrifyin' on 'ee.

E. H. G.

PUTTEN' UP TH' BANNS.

[South Wilts: Wilton.]

Wen Zal Slatter coorteed Jim Bleak he wur under carter, an' she wur maid a ael wuk up at Hill Varm. Zoo thay 'greed ta putt up tha banns unbeknown to their measter an' missus. Wen Varmer comed out a chirch thic Zundy a gooes straight inta kitchen wur Zal wur cookin' a girt laig a mutten var dinner, an a zaays, 'Zal,' a zaays, 'Wur that thee an' Jim I yeard caal'd whoam bit now?' 'I 'specs 'twur, measter,' zaays Zal. 'Why, wat in tha wordle diss thee want ta get married var? Hassen a got a good whoam, a good bade ta sleep on? an' a good laig a mutten ta zet down to wen bist 'ungry?' 'O eece, measter,' zaays Zal, 'I knaas ael that, bit did 'ee ever know a wench as hooden gie up a laig o' mutten var a whole man?'

E. SLOW.

THE CANNINGS VAWK.

[North Wilts: Clyffe Pypard.]

I niver wur at Cannin's but once as I knaws on, an' that wur when Mr. Jones wur alive. I went awver wi' he to Cannin's Veast. I mind thur wur a lot on 'em thur from Ca'an [Calne] as wur a tellin' up zuch tales as was never about the Cannin's vawk. The' tell'd I as zome on 'em got up the Church tower, and dunged that thur--what is it?--a-top o' the tower, to make un grow as big as the spire. I never he-ard tell o' zuch a thing! Should 'ee iver thenk as 'twer true? An' the' tell'd I as 'twern't but a vurry veow years ago as zome on 'em hired as ther wur a comut ur what 'ee caals ut, to be zeed in 'Vize market-place, an' pretty nigh aal Cannin's went in thur to zee un, an' niver thought o' lookin' to zee wur they cudden zee un at whoam. What some girt stups they must a bin! An' thur wur a cooper ur zummat o' that, as cudden putt th' yead into a barr'l; an' a tell'd he's bwoy to get inside and howld un up till he'd a vastened un. An' when a done the bwoy hollered out droo the bung hawl, 'How be I to get out, veyther?'--That bit tickled I, bless 'ee! moor'n aal on't! Arterwards one on 'em axed I if thur wurden a Cannin's girl in sarvice at our place; an' I zes 'I b'lieve as 'tes.' An' a zes, 'Do 'ee iver zaa _Baa_! to she?' An' I zes 'Noa, vur why should I zaay _Baa_! to she?' An' a zes 'You should allus zaay _Baa_! to a body as comes vrom Cannin's.' 'Wull,' I zes, 'I shudden like to zaay _Baa_! to any body wi'out I know'd the rason on't.' An' then a tell'd I as the' had a tiddlin' lamb as wur ter'ble dickey, an' the' putt un into th' o-ven, to kip un warm' an' shut un in an' forgot aal about un, an lef' un in thur. An' when the' awpened the o-ven agean a wur rawsted droo!--Wull, I come whoam, an' niver thought nothen more on't fur a lenth o' time, till one daay as I wur a workin' in the garden, measter an' missus wur out, an' the girls come out an' begun a 'oondermentin' an' terrifyin' I. An' aal at once this yer shot into my mind, an' I looks up at the cook an' I zes, '_Baa_!' But her didden take no nautice, an' a went on chatterin'. An' I zes '_Baa_!' agean. An' that put her pot on, bless 'ee! at a terrible rate, an' she zes to I, 'Who be _you_'--she zes,--'to zaay _Baa_! to I?' An' wi' that they boath on 'em went auf in-a-doors, an' they niver come a meddlin' wi' I agean fur a long whiles.

E. H. G.

LUNNON AVORE ANY WIFE.

[North Wilts: Clyffe Pypard.]

Thur's our Bill, 'snaw--I had a main job to get he to gwoa. He bin a walkin' wi' thuck ginger-headed wench o' Smith's--a wur terrible took up wi' she a bit back, an' her bin a 'suading he to putt up the banns. A never zed nothen to I about ut, nit I never zed nothen to he not afore laas' Vriday wick, an' then there wur a word or two, and I zes to un, 'What's thee want wi' a wife? Thee's got no more 'casion wi' a wife than a twoad has wi' a zide-pawket'--I zes--'an' ef thee'se be a-gwain to hae she thee can plase theeself, but thee shasn't never hannel narra penny piece o' mine ef thee does! An' ther's Shusan's brother-law up a Lunnon, as hev a axed the' _times_ to gwo up, an' he'd vine the' a pleace wur the' meds't do well.--Why dwon't 'ee teak an' gwo, 'stid o' loppettin' about at whoam wi' a wench as yun't narra mossel o' good fur cheese-makin' nur nothen else 'cept 'tes to look vine in thuck new hat o' shis'n?'--Them was my words to un, an' he wur zart o' dubous wur a'd gwo ur wur a 'oodden: but I sticks it into un as Lunnon wer far afore any wife, let ut be who 'twill. An' zo a zed a 'oodden bide yer no longer, fur ef a did her'd never let un gwo. An' a started awf thur-right, an' I han't a hired from un wur a likes it or wur a dwon't.

E. H. G.

KITCHIN' TH' INFLUENZY.

[North Wilts.]

Our Jess wur cwoortin' Polly: Her gwoed an' kitched th' plague. 'Zo cwoortin's wusser'n volly,' Zes Jess, 'an' I'll renage!'