Part 2

GREEN. Where is she? Gone! I should not wonder if I had killed her; I know my brutal conduct has broken her fragile heart; she could never survive my base desertion--never! She has perished like a tender flower, and I--wretch!--I've assassinated an angel. Ha! where's my tempter? Where's the Countess--the destroyer of my happiness? She must instantly release me from this horrible compact. I can bear a great deal, but my constitution is sinking rapidly under two wives. (_goes into room R., calls inside_) Countess! I beg your pardon--hey, Countess! Where can she be? Countess! She's gone. (_re-enter from room_) She's certainly not there. Now, if I could take advantage of her absence, to speak a few words to the original Mrs. G., if the poor thing still survives. That's her room--I'll venture at all hazards. (_goes to door L., taps and calls in a suppressed voice_) Maria Jane! Maria Jane! hist! (_taps_) Mrs. G., my dear--eh? 'Tis me, my dear--your loving Greenfinch. (_taps_) Hist! Maria Jane! She don't hear me, or she won't answer. (_taps_) Mrs. G.! Maria Jane! 'Tis your unfortunate Greenfinch.

_Enter BETSY, from room, L. 2 E._

BETSY. Well, sir, what may you want?

GREEN. Hush! don't speak so loud. Is your mistress in her room?

BETSY. I'm not sure--can't be certain till I ask her.

GREEN. I must speak with her instantly.

BETSY. What name shall I say?

GREEN. Name? Is the woman mad? Go and tell her I'm come to explain all.

BETSY. All what, sir?

GREEN. All, all--she knows--you know.

BETSY. Can't say I do, sir--I'm sure I never set eyes on your face before.

GREEN. Pooh, pooh! don't be stupid--let me pass--I must speak with my wife.

BETSY. Your wife! (_opposing him_) A pretty imperent fellow you are! Your wife, indeed! Keep your distance--I don't allow these liberties.

GREEN. But, my Betsy.

BETSY. Your Betsy! Come, I like that. I'd have you to know, sir, my name's Elizabeth.

GREEN. Never mind your name--I must go in.

BETSY. Oh, very well; if you must, you must; but, mind, I tell you, my mistress is not alone.

GREEN. Hey? What do you say? Not alone? Who has she with her?

BETSY. Who should she have, but a gentleman?

GREEN. Stop, stop--my wife--a gentleman!--in her room--there--and I her husband--here--what does it mean? Hah! a horrid suspicion fills my mind--o--oh! my head!

BETSY. I thought so. I see you're dreadfully intoxicated; you'd better go to bed--do! You'll be ashamed of yourself in the morning. I never see a gentleman so drunk in my life--never! Go to bed, I advise you.

GREEN. Go to the devil! I'll penetrate this horrid mystery, and know the worst at once.

BETSY. Then you may depend on having your bones broken.

GREEN. Bones! I have no bones. I'm all iron--adamant. I'll find this villain--this unknown destroyer of my peace. Who is he? what is he?

BETSY. Here he is, sir, to answer for himself.

GREEN. Hoh!

_Enter MRS. GREENFINCH, L. 2 E., dressed in fashionable male attire._

MRS. G. What's the demmed row here? Who is this person who has been exciting himself so enormously?

BETSY. I'm sure I don't know, sir; but he seems to be a gent who has been putting himself in the way that gentlemen wish to be who love their wine.

GREEN. (_aside_) I'll be calm, but infernally severe. He-hem! Sir, I beg your pardon, but--ha, ha, ha! ha, ha, ha! it strikes me that you've been in my wife's room. (_points to room_).

MRS. G. Your wife's?--ha, ha, ha!

GREEN. I repeat, my wife's--that lady in there is my wife.

MRS. G. } } Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! BETSY. }

GREEN. Allow me, sir, to inform you, it's my deliberate opinion you're a scoundrel, a miscreant, and a vagabond.

MRS. G. (_strutting fiercely to him_) Demme, sir!--aw--did you make use of the word "scoundrel?"

GREEN. Scoundrel was the word, sir.

MRS. G. And "miscreant," sir?

GREEN. Miscreant, emphatically.

MRS. G. And "vagabond," sir?

GREEN. Vagabond, in its strongest sense, sir.

MRS. G. And do you mean to apply these terms to me offensively?

GREEN. Most offensively, sir.

MRS. G. Oh, very well; that's enough. (_takes a card from her pocket, and gives it to GREENFINCH_) There's my card, sir.

GREEN. And there's mine, sir. (_gives MRS. G. a card_)

GREEN. { _both read_ } "Gregory Greenfinch--The { _cards at the_ } Turtle Dovery, Peckham Rye." MRS. G. { _same time_ } Oh!

GREEN. Hey?--why, this is _my_ card--_my_ name and address. I'm Gregory Greenfinch, of the Turtle Dovery.

MRS. G. Excuse me, my good fellow, but--ha, ha, ha, ha! your impudence is highly amusing--ha, ha, ha!

GREEN. What! do you mean to tell me that I am not Greenfinch? That I'm not the husband of my own wife?

MRS. G. Oh, no; I simply say, I'm Greenfinch.

GREEN. You? Then who the devil am I?

MRS. G. 'Pon my life, I haven't an idea.

GREEN. No! Bless me, that's very extraordinary. Why, it can't be possible! I've a strong moral conviction that I am Greenfinch; I feel that I can't be anybody else, and that anybody else who presumes to be me is an impostor.

MRS. G. For all that, _I'm_ Gregory Greenfinch.

BETSY. The poor man's certainly mad, sir.

GREEN. What does she say? Mad--ah! (_aside_) Horrible suggestion! If I should be mad! If I should be labouring under a pleasing delusion, and mistake myself for some other individual! What if he should be me, and me he--no, he me, and me he--no, that's not it--what, if I'm he--and me--I mean if I--that's me--no--he and I are neither he nor me. Oh, dear! what am I saying?

MRS. G. Well, Mister What's-your-name, if you have any desire to be shot in a gentlemanly and artistic manner--there's a nice quiet spot at the back of the hotel, fit for the business. Just let me know when you've made up your mind, and I'll be ready in five minutes to operate.

GREEN. Stop! destroyer of my peace, and confounder of my identity--stop, and hear me! Young woman retire.

_Exit BETSY into room, L. 2 E., with one candle._

Hem! now, sir, I shall ask you one momentous question--Do you mean to stick to it that you're Greenfinch?

MRS. G. Stick to it?--oh! aw--like demned wax.

GREEN. (_solemnly_) The world's a cage, not wide enough for two Greenfinches like us; one of us must hop the perch.

MRS. G. Exactly, my good fellow; I shall dispose of you immediately--my pistols are in the next room. (_going_)

GREEN. Stop! We must fight in this apartment.

MRS. G. Here? oh, very well. If you prefer being shot on the premises--I can have no objection.

GREEN. One word more! the sight of a pistol affects my nerves--we must fight in the dark!

MRS. G. In the dark! Who ever heard of a duel in the dark? why we may fight till morning and I may never be able to hit you.

GREEN. That's precisely what I wish; if we fight it must be in the dark.

MRS. G. Well, if you make it a point, I shan't dispute it with you, as I dare say I shall be able to pick you out somehow--I'll step in for my pistols.

_Exit into room, 2 E. L._

GREEN. Hah! bravo! I've caught him. Stratagems are all fair in love and fighting, and as this fellow means to shoot me, it's my business to prevent him if I can; so I'll get behind the stove there, and then he may blaze away as long as he likes. I'll shut the windows and be ready for him. (_goes to window at back; closes the shutters; draws the curtains, and blows out the remaining candle; stage dark; while he is doing so, enter, 2 E. L., MRS. G. with BETSY, who carries a brace of pistols_)

BETSY. (_apart to MRS. G._) Here are the pistols, ma'am. (_gives them to MRS. G._)

MRS. G. (_apart to BETSY_) You're quite sure they can do no harm?

BETSY. (_apart_) You needn't be afraid, mum, there's nothing but powder in them.

MRS. G. (_apart_) Well, you know what you have to do. (_BETSY goes into room, L._) He-hem!

GREEN. Oh, you're come?

MRS. G. Yes, miserable man, I've come that you may go--I've got the popguns!

GREEN. Have you? then mind how you point them this way. Where are you? (_crosses to L._)

MRS. G. Here--here--make haste!

GREEN. What a devil of a hurry you're in! (_in groping about he touches one of the pistols, which MRS. G. holds with extended arm, and starts back_) Oh! you shouldn't do that--not that I'm afraid--but the sensation is far from pleasant.

MRS. G. Come, sir, you shall take one and leave me the other.

GREEN. Thank you. (_feels the pistol; aside_) The touch of them throws me into a cold perspiration! I wish I knew which was the mildest of the pair.

MRS. G. Well, have you made your choice?

GREEN. No--yes--there--this will do! (_takes one of the pistols, MRS. G keeps the other. Apart_) Oh, lord, my heart's in my wellingtons!

MRS. G. Are you ready now?

GREEN. No--no--no--not yet! let's take our time! do you think a human being should be shot with as little ceremony as a sack of coals?

MRS. G. Haw! Shall we fire at the first word?

GREEN. Kill a fellow creature at the first word! Rash young man, we must have two words to that! Let the signal be "_Death and Glory_;" you shall take "_Death_" and I'll have "_Glory._"

MRS. G. And then fire? Very well, now mind your eye. "_Death!_"

GREEN. (_dodging about in great alarm_) Hollo! stop! stop! what are you about? My glory is not ready for death!--let's deliberate a little! (_GREENFINCH is now behind the stove_)

MRS. G. Oh, nonsense! I never deliberate--are you ready?

GREEN. Yes--I'm ready now!

MRS. G. Very well, then--look sharp! (_GREENFINCH ducks behind the stove_) _Death!_

GREEN. _Glory!_ (_both fire; MRS. G. drops her pistol and falls into chair, R.C., with a groan_) Hallo! What's that? Have I hit you?

MRS. G. Hit me? yes; the ball has penetrated my side--here--close to the heart! I feel--I'm dying--give--give me your hand old fellow!

GREEN. Where are you?

MRS. G. Here--here! (_GREENFINCH stumbles against her_)

GREEN. Ha! he _is_ floored! What shall I do?--shall I call for help?--run for the doctor? (_crosses to R._)

MRS. G. No--'tis no use! (_faintly_) Assist me to my room--will you? (_GREENFINCH assists her_) Ah, you're a dead shot, Greenfinch!

GREEN. Ha! then I _am_ Greenfinch--you confess it?

MRS. G. Yes, you're the real original Greenfinch. Good bye, my boy, I forgive you; but you'll be hanged for my murder if you're caught!

GREEN. Hanged for your murder! You don't mean that?

MRS. G. Yes, I do; we fought in the dark you know--that's murder--and you'll be hanged for it--but you don't mind it.

GREEN. Don't I though! My good friend, you musn't think of dying--consider the fatal consequence to _me!_

MRS. G. Can't help it--it's all over with me--good bye--your wife's an angel--and I--I am--oh!---- (_drops her head on his shoulder and feigns to die_)

GREEN. Good gracious! What do you mean? Hallo! (_shaking her_) there's not a stir in him--he's dead--dead as the twelve Cæsars. Unfortunate youth! he's gone to settle his long account, and has left a heavy balance in my hands. What's to be done now? I know:--I'll conceal him in the bedroom here (_moving towards door R., a scream is heard in room L._) Bless me! what's that? Something dreadful, I'm sure! Oh, lord, my knees are sinking under me--I havn't strength to move a step further! (_staggers against the easy chair_) Ha! this chair--providential thought--I'll cover him up in it. (_he places MRS. G. in the chair, and throws the travelling cloak, which hangs on the back of the chair over her, so as to completely conceal her_) Now I'll make a coroner's inquest of myself and sit upon the victim's body! (_sits_) Hah! what a dreadful position is mine! (_another scream in room, L._) There again!

_Enter BETSY, with lighted candle, from room, 2 E. L.; stage light._

BETSY. Oh, sir! Mr. Greenfinch are you there?

GREEN. (_aside_) Which Greenfinch does she mean? him (_pointing to MRS. G. behind him_) or me? Yes, Betsy, I'm here.

BETSY. Oh, sir! oh, sir! my poor mistress--my poor dear mistress!----

GREEN. What of her, Betsy?

BKTSY. It's a shocking story, sir, but there's no use concealing it--the young gentleman you quarrelled with was my mistress's cousin--little Charley Bates that you've often heard her speak of.

GREEN. Her cousin! (_GREENFINCH jumps up; MRS. G. then slips from under the cloak, places the carpet bag in the chair, covers it with the cloak, and enters the room, R. on tip toe_) Little Charley?--no-o?

BETSY. Yes, indeed, sir, when you sent me out of the room, I made bold to listen; and hearing you both agree to fight a duel, I ran and told my mistress.

GREEN. Proceed, Betsy, proceed!

BETSY. Well, sir, though you had behaved shocking to her, she tried to prevent mischief; but, la, sir, she had only reached that door (_points to door, 2 E. L._) and was trying to see what was going forward between you, when bang bang goes two pistols, and a bullet went right through the keyhole into my mistress's eye.

GREEN. Betsy, support me! (_leans on her_) Her eye!

BETSY. With her last breath she sent you her blessing, sir, and the key of the tea caddy. (_gives him a small key_)

GREEN. Sweet, careful martyr!

BETSY. What a shock this will be to poor Master Charley, sir.

GREEN. Hush, Betsy, nothing can shock him now; I confide the secret to your faithful bosom--he's dead!

BETSY. Dead! you havn't gone and shot him too--poor fellow!

GREEN. (_solemnly_) Betsy, we have all our destinies! it's my fate to be an involuntary monster. I'm pursued by a female demon! (_MRS. G. assuming the voice of the Countess, and speaking inside, R._)

MRS. G. (_inside_) Grinfeench! Grinfeench!

GREEN. Ha! she's there again--the Countess--the demon--she calls me! (_crosses to door, R., and locks it_) Ah! I've locked her in, and now to bolt to the antipodes! (_a loud knocking at door, 3 E. L._) What's that?

OFFICER. (_outside_) Open in the name of the law!

GREEN. The law! Then it's all over with me!--open the door, Betsy! (_BETSY opens the door, 3 E. L._)

_Enter a GENDARME, 3 E. L._

OFF. Your name is Greenfinch?

GREEN. Gregory Greenfinch is my name, England is my nation----

OFF. Silence! I am in pursuit of----

GREEN. The Countess de Rambuteau?

OFF. Right! I see you know her. I arrest you as her accomplice!

BETSY. And I charge him with being the murderer of his innocent wife and her cousin.

GREEN. Under extenuating circumstances. I protest----

OFF. Silence, criminal! Let search be made for his victims. (_points to door, R._)

GREEN. Stop!--she's there--the demon--don't---- (_BETSY opens the door, R., and MRS. G. comes out in her proper dress; GREENFINCH drops his head on the GENDARME'S shoulder_) My last moment is come!

MRS. G. (_in the assumed voice of the Countess_) Hem! vat is all dis, my dear Grinfeench? you can answer for me that I'm your wife. Am I not your wife?

GREEN. (_without looking at her_) No! I'll be damm'd if you are! I'll stand it no longer--I don't know you!

MRS. G. Don't know me? (_in her natural voice_) Don't know your own Maria Jane?

GREEN. My Mari---- (_in amazement as he turns and sees his wife_) Hah, my wife! Why, you're not shot--you havn't got a bullet in your eye?

MRS. G. No, my dear, I've nothing in my eye but a foolish little husband, whom I followed to Paris, and under the disguise of a Countess----

GREEN. Inveigled to Dieppe! I understand; you wanted to prove my constancy, and I've come out of the fire--like a brick!

MRS. G. Hem!

GREEN. Why, do you think I could ever have been attracted to you if there had not been a mysterious affinity between us? Never! My heart told me privately you were my Maria Jane. I knew you by sympathy!

MRS. G. And my cousin, Charley, too?

GREEN. Oh, don't mention him! he lies there (_points to chair_) a gory corpse beneath that cloak! (_he snatches cloak off the chair_) Hah! Am I dreaming? He's not there!

MRS. G. No, because he's here! Ha, ha, ha! (_imitating_) Dem'me, if you want to be shot in a gentlemanly and artistic manner, I'm your man! Hey! _Death_ and _Glory_, old fellow! You're a dead shot, Greenfinch!

GREEN. What! you're cousin Charley yourself!

MRS. G. Of course I am! It was a plan of Betsy's and mine to punish you--the pistols were loaded with powder--the Gendarme is only the waiter, (_WAITER bows and exit, 3 E. L._) and as no harm has been done----

BETSY. I hope, sir, you'll forgive me?

GREEN. Forgive you! I'm so happy I'll forgive the whole world! (_to the Audience_) Pity the failings of a poor young man, Whose trembling tongue----

MRS. G. Pray hold it--if you can! They don't want pathos, try to make them smile, I'll do it for you--something in this style:-- (_to the Audience_) Confiding wives with husbands prone to roam, Still hold the check string when they stray from home, Forbid the latch-key, and if wanting aid----

BETSY. Be sure to be attended by your maid.

GREEN. And, husbands, when you follow lovely creatures, Avoid all sympathy with hidden features. And warned by how the present matter stands, I leave my case completely in your hands.

R. BETSY. GREENFINCH. MRS. GREENFINCH. L.

Curtain.

Transcriber's Note

This transcription is based on images digitized by the University of Toronto and posted by the Internet Archive at:

archive.org/details/duelindarkanorig00coynuoft

In general, this transcription attempts to retain the punctuation and spelling of the source text, including variant spellings such as "havn't" and "musn't." In a few cases where the quality of the images made a word or a punctuation mark hard to read, the obvious reading was considered the correct reading without comment.

The following changes were made:

-- p. 2: Green coat, light blue trowsers, and French travelling cap,--Changed comma at end of costume note to a period.

-- p. 3: _Door, 2 E. L. Door. 3 E. L._--Changed period between "Door" and "3" to a comma.

-- p. 5: the second day he performed a love pantomine at his window--Changed "pantomine" to "pantomime".

-- p. 5: GREEN. I've ordered dinner at five; aud now--Changed "aud" to "and".

-- p. 6: vil you permit me, vile in dis maison, to be apellez your _femme_--Italicized "maison" and "apellez" for consistency.

-- p. 8: from your room there, ((_pointing R._)--Deleted one parenthesis before "_pointing_".

-- p. 9: MRS. G. _Que faites vous ici, mon cher_ Grinfeench.--Changed period after "Grinfeench" to a question mark.

-- p. 9: I know she's somewhere in the vicinity of this brown leather trunk--Inserted a period after "trunk".

-- p. 11: Maria Jane! hist! (_taps_) MRS. G., my dear--eh?--Changed "MRS." to "Mrs."

-- p. 12: in the way that gentlemen wish to to be who love their wine.--Deleted the second "to".

-- p. 13: MRS. G. Well, Mister What's-your name--Inserted a hyphen between "your" and "name".

-- p. 13: stop, and hear me! Young woman retire--Added a period after "retire".

-- p. 14: my pistols are in the next room (_going_)--Added a period after "room".

-- p. 14: I can have no objection,--Changed comma after "objection" to a period.

-- p. 14: BETSY. (_apart to MRS. G._) Here are the pistols, ma'am--Added a period after "ma'am".

-- p. 15: Very well, now mind your eye "_Death!_"--Inserted a period after "eye".

-- p. 15: MRS. G. Very well, then--look sharp! (_GREEN ducks behind the stove_)--Changed "GREEN" to "GREENFINCH".

-- p. 15: MRS. G. Here--here! (_GREEN. stumbles against her_)--Changed "GREEN." to "GREENFINCH".

-- p. 15: Assist me to my room--will you (_GREEN assists her_)--Inserted a question mark after "you" and changed "GREEN" to "GREENFINCH".

-- p. 17: _GREEN. drops his head on the GENDARME'S shoulder_--Changed "GREEN." to "GREENFINCH".