Part 2

POS. I hope he don't mean to keep on fumbling that writing desk about much longer, because the bottom of the cane chair has just given way. Surely, Cousin Somerton never could have been such a simpleton as to lock all her money up there.

RAT. Ah, at last--(_taking the pocket book out of the desk, and advancing to MRS. SOMERTON_)--the pocket book.

POS. She's a ruined woman and so am I! (_dropping his head against the side of the window_)

MRS. S. (_suddenly, and with an expression of hope_) Surely I heard a voice!

RAT. One of your servants probably. (_going up towards mantel-piece, and taking his pistols_) I hope he will not take it into his head to interrupt us, for I should certainly send a bullet through it. (_POSTLETHWAITE drops, and a noise of falling heard within door, R. C.; RATCLIFFE places the pistols on chimney piece_) And now, madam, (_returning towards table at C._) with many apologies for detaining you so long from your slumbers, I humbly take my leave. (_seeing the receipt, which he has left on the table_) Stay! (_taking up the receipt, which he presents to MRS. SOMERTON_) I promised you a receipt, madam, and here it is.

MRS. S. (_derisively_) A very valuable document to me no doubt, sir.

RAT. A very necessary one, madam, in all commercial transactions. (_MRS. SOMERTON takes the receipt, and indignantly crumples it up in her hand_) Once more, madam, farewell. (_taking his cloak and hat_) And in taking my leave, be assured that I carry away with me----

MRS. S. (_sneeringly_) I am perfectly aware, sir, what you carry away with you.

RAT. The hope, madam, which I trust you in some degree share with me, that our first interview will not be our last. (_turns at door, L. C., makes a profound bow, and exits, L. U. E._)

MRS. S. He's gone, and I have no longer strength even to call for help.

POS. (_knocking violently at door_) But I have! I'll cry for help against any man in England! Help!

MRS. S. (_rising_) Ah, is that you, David?

POS. No--it's me--Postlethwaite. Cousin Percy, open the door. (_MRS. SOMERTON hastily runs and unlocks door, R. C., POSTLETHWAITE puts his head out_) Is the ruffian gone?

MRS. S. Yes--yes.

POS. You're sure of it?

MRS. S. (L.) Quite sure.

POS. (_R., rushing on_) Then let me get at him! Come out wherever you are, and face me like a man--come on, I say. (_squaring violently_) Coward! (_in a tone of supreme contempt_)

MRS. S. Then you have heard----

POS. Everything from that window, above that closet there, or whatever it is where I've been locked up for the last hour among the pickles.

MRS. S. And yet you allowed me to be robbed.

POS. Come I like that--you allowed yourself to be robbed.

MRS. S. (_contemptuously_) And you did _nothing._

POS. I beg your pardon, I looked on in silent astonishment.

MRS. S. But you ought to have made a noise.

POS. So I did--I tumbled down backwards into a lot of grocery.

(_from the beginning of this Scene between MRS. SOMERTON and POSTLETHWAITE it has gradually become daylight_)

MRS. S. And to think that he should be allowed to effect his escape! What shall I do?

POS. Do? Take example by me, show a proper spirit like me, and send for the police.

MRS. S. We have none.

POS. No police! (_suddenly recollecting_) but _I_ have, of course, and a superintendent into the bargain--here--in my pocket.

MRS. S. You've got a superintendent of police in your pocket?

POS. Yes--no; but I've got his appointment--that's the same thing, besides he's a friend of mine; I'll run for him this moment, and in less than ten minutes we'll have him here dead or alive; I mean my friend--no--the robber--no, my friend. (_running to door, L. C._) Holloa, this door's locked (_running to mantel-piece and about to ring the bell_) and the bell rope's cut (_suddenly_) ah! the ruffian has left his pistols behind him. (_seizing pistols off the mantel-piece_) Stand out of the way, cousin. (_rushing to window_)

MRS. S. What are you about to do?

POS. Do? send a bullet through his body.

MRS. S. Pshaw! Why you can't even see him.

POS. Then I'm the more likely to hit him; besides, it will raise an alarm at all events. (_pulling both triggers as he points the pistols out at window_) Holloa they're not loaded! (_suddenly_) Oh, if I had only known that. (_about to get out at the window_)

MRS. S. Cousin, what are you about?

POS. Why, as I can't get out by the door, I must have recourse to the window. (_getting out_)

MRS. S. And this for me! Oh, how kind of you, Cousin; but pray mind how you get down!

POS. Don't be alarmed; it's a precious deal easier than getting up! besides I know every inch of the road; so good bye, cousin, and in my way to my friend the superintendent, I'll knock up all the neighbours and tell them to scour the country; we'll find your fifteen thousand pounds again for you. (_gets quite out and gradually disappears_) So don't give way--keep up as I do. Oh, lud. (_suddenly disappears altogether--loud noise of broken glass heard_)

MRS. S. He's fallen! (_calling out of window_) Cousin! cousin!

POS. (_from without_) It's all right. I've only tumbled into a cucumber frame or something of the sort. I can have the bits of glass taken out of me when I get back.

MRS. S. (_looking out_) There he runs, but he's without his hat! (_calling aloud_) Cousin! cousin! you've dropped your hat! he doesn't hear me.

PEGGY. (_without at door, L. C._) Missus--missus, the door's locked. (_unlocks door and runs in followed by DAVID, both have their night-caps on, and DAVID carries an old fashioned blunderbuss_) Oh, ma'am, what's all this noise about--what does it all mean?

DAVID. Ees, what do it all mean?

MRS. S. It means, my poor Peggy, that I have been robbed.

PEGGY. Robbed, but not murdered, I hope.

MRS. S. (_smiling_) No, not quite, though I am almost dead with alarm! David, have you seen no one?

DAVID. No, ma'am--no one but your cousin, master Percy, who arrived about half an hour before you came home.

MRS. S. Yes, yes, I know; but there was another.

DAVID. Then I didn't let _him_ in, and I know he can't have gone out again without my seeing him. (_aside_) To be sure I've been fast asleep all the time.

MRS. S. Then perhaps he's still in the house?

PEGGY. Lud a mercy! (_getting behind DAVID, who in his turn tries to get behind PEGGY_)

DAVID. (_suddenly as he looks towards window, R. in flat_) Look, ma'am, if there ben't Sergeant Jones of the rural police riding along the lane at the bottom of the garden. (_running to window and shouting_) Here, Sergeant Jones, stop--he hears me, ma'am.

MRS. S. This is fortunate indeed; so run, David, and give him information of the robbery; tell him that he may rely on the most liberal reward. (_DAVID about to run off_) and, David, tell him also, should he discover any clue, that he must communicate with his superintendent here--that I expect him every moment; run, David. (_DAVID runs off at L. C._) and you, Peggy, go down stairs and be ready to open the door; I will go to my room for a few minutes.

PEGGY. Do, ma'am; it'll do you good to lie down a bit; it's broad day-light--just till Mr. Superintendent comes. (_MRS. SOMERTON enters her room, L._)

PEGGY. (_looking after her_) Poor missus--she's lost all her treasures except me.

_Exit at door, L. C._

POS. (_without_) I tell you it's all right, so come along.

RAT. (_without_) But, my dear fellow--

_POSTLETHWAITE enters at L. C. pulling in RATCLIFFE, without his beard, moustache, and over coat, and in a modern walking suit._

I never applied for the appointment; there's some mistake.

POS. Mistake, nonsense! here it is in the newspaper, and you know as well as I do that newspapers never make mistakes. Captain Charles Ratcliffe appointed superintendent of the rural police.

RAT. (_aside_) What the devil's to be done?--luckily I've got rid of my disguise!

POS. How very odd I should happen to run up against you. Eh! at five o'clock in the morning too.

RAT. Yes, I was going home from a bachelor's party. (_confused_)

POS. Little dreaming that at that moment you held the distinguished position of commander-in-chief of the rural police force of this important district.

RAT. Pshaw! I shall resign at once. (_going_)

POS. (_pulling him back_) You can't till your successor is appointed.

RAT. (_aside_) There's no escape, I must brazen it out: lucky I have got rid of my disguise, at any rate I shall see her once more! (_aloud, and in an assumed tone of authority_) ahem! (_seats himself_) now I am ready to listen to you.

POS. (L.) That's right--you must know then. (_seats himself_)

RAT. (R.) One moment, are you about to address me in my official capacity?

POS. Of course, I am.

RAT. Then don't sit down.

POS. But really my back aches to that degree--

RAT. Then I'll receive your deposition to-morrow. (_gets up and going_)

POS. No, no! (_pushing RATCLIFFE in his chair again_) I'll stand up there! and now, my dear fellow--

RAT. A little less familiarity, if you please, young man.

POS. Very well--you must know then, old chap--

RAT. Again--

POS. Well, then, your worship! there, will that do? you must know then, your worship, that I've just been robbed of a very considerable sum of money.

RAT. You?

POS. Well, my cousin, Mrs. Somerton has--and as I'm going to marry her, what's her's is mine, and what's mine's my own; but you know all about that, governor--I mean your worship.

RAT. Which property I suppose, you wish to recover?

POS. Of course, I do; you'll excuse me, my dear boy, Charley, I mean your worship, but that's a remarkable stupid observation of your's.

RAT. Silence--was the robbery you speak of accompanied by violence?

POS. Of course, it was! would you allow a fellow to walk off with your property without making a fight of it, not you, my trojan--I mean your worship! but I'll tell you all about it. I had just arrived from London, and finding that cousin Somerton had that instant returned home from a ball, I determined to give her an agreeable surprise, and for that purpose I was walking on tiptoe along that passage, when I was almost knocked off my legs by a piercing shriek. "My cousin in danger," said I, "then Postlethwaite to the rescue," said I, and with an unfaltering grasp I seized the handle of the door--it was locked, upon which with one blow of this fist--you know my muscular power--I knocked the door clean off its hinges.

RAT. (_smiling_) You don't say so?

POS. Well, in I rushed, and the first thing I saw was----

RAT. What?

POS. Nothing; the room was in total darkness, and the next instant I found myself face to face with a gigantic housebreaker about seven foot high, with two pair of pistols in each hand, and there, extended upon the hearth rug, with her head on the fender lay my poor cousin in a dead faint, and as pale as a sheet.

RAT. (_smiling_) But how the deuce did you manage to see all this when the room was in total darkness?

POS. What of that? everybody knows that housebreakers are always as pale as a sheet when they faint away; I mean women are always seven feet high--no, housebreakers--really you interrupt me so I don't know what I'm talking about.

RAT. (_smiling_) Well?

POS. Well, though I was unarmed, I instantly rushed upon the two ruffians.

RAT. Two ruffians?

POS. Yes. I said there were two, who instantly made for the door, which luckily I had taken the precaution of locking.

RAT. Locking! What the door you had just knocked clean off its hinges?

POS. Yes. I forgot to mention that in the meantime I had picked the door up and hung it on again. Well, finding they couldn't escape, they both sprang upon me at the same time! The fearful struggle then began afresh, till exhausted nature could do no more, and the whole three of us rolled out of the window together. But here comes my cousin! (_running to door, L._)

RAT. Then, as I said before, impudence befriend me.

POS. (_handing in MRS. SOMERTON_) Come along, cousin, I told you I'd soon have my friend the superintendent here. Captain Ratcliffe, my cousin. My cousin, Captain Ratcliffe. (_introducing them. MRS. SOMERTON curtseys to RATCLIFFE, and on looking at him gives a very slight start, while RATCLIFFE continues to show the utmost sang froid_) And now, cousin, the sooner you give him all the particulars. Why, what's the matter with you? (_observing how MRS. SOMERTON is examining RATCLIFFE_)

MRS. S. Nothing. Doubtless I am mistaken. Yet, I am under the impression that this is not the first time----

RAT. That we have met? madam, if so, I am ashamed to say that I have forgotten the circumstance. (_crosses to C._)

MRS. S. (_aside_) The voice too--pshaw--impossible!

RAT. Now, madam, as every moment is of the utmost importance you must be good enough to answer a few questions. In the first place how the entrance to the house was effected by the robbers. (_taking out his pocket book and pencil._)

MRS. S. Robbers!--there was only one.

RAT. Only one! (_to POSTLETHWAITE_) I understood you to say there were--

POS. (_interrupting him_) Yes, yes. (_aside to him_) Of course, she doesn't know how many there were, because as soon as she saw _one_ she fainted.

RAT. True! (_smiling_)

MRS. S. (_aside_) That voice again--I must be mistaken--yet, every word he utters--(_looking again fixedly at RATCLIFFE_)

RAT. (_C., to MRS. S._) You have not answered my question, madam.

MRS. S. I can only say, sir, that on being left alone, I was disturbed by a slight noise, and on turning round, he stood before me--as you do.

RAT. A bold and impudent villain, evidently. I can easily conceive your alarm, madam, but luckily your cousin here on hearing your piercing shrieks, (_POSTLETHWAITE pulls his coat tail_) rushes to your assistance, and with one blow of his masculine fist--

POS. (_stopping him, and aside_) That'll do--don't remind her of that terrific scene, it distresses her.

RAT. (_smiling again_) True. (_to MRS. S._) Then, madam, you would probably be able to identify this audacious criminal?

MRS. S. (_with intention_) Not with absolute certainty, sir.

POS. No, more should I.

RAT. That's strange too, considering the length of time you were struggling with him.

POS. Yes, yes. (_aside to him_) That'll do--she can't bear it.

MRS. S. (_still with intention_) And were I to act upon my present _suspicions,_ however well grounded they may appear, I might be the means of compromising--

RAT. Who, madam?

MRS. S. (_looking at him_) One perhaps, whose position in society----

RAT. Nay, madam--as the representative of the law, I tell you that it matters not what his social position may be, we must not mince matters.

POS. Certainly not. I'd rather mince him. Fifteen thousand pounds is a lump of money.

RAT. (_with pretended astonishment_) Fifteen thousand pounds--the unconscionable scoundrel!--one moment (_writing in the pocket book_)--amount stolen--fifteen thousand pounds; number of robbers----

POS. (_aside to him_) Uncertain! as there seems to be a little difference of opinion between cousin and me upon that point. You'd better say "uncertain."

RAT. (_to MRS. S._) Bank notes, I presume?

MRS. S. Yes, sir--bank notes.

RAT. And contained in that writing desk.

MRS. S. (_aside_) 'Tis he, I'm sure of it (_hastily and aside to POSTLETHWAITE, while RATCLIFFE is examining the writing desk_)--tell me, do you say you know him?

POS. Who, the housebreaker?

MRS. S. No, that person. (_pointing to RATCLIFFE_)

POS. Know my friend Ratcliffe, of course I do.

RAT. (_observing them and coming down, between them._) I regret I cannot hold out to you any reasonable hope of recovering your property.

POS. You don't mean that?

RAT. Why, unfortunately Mrs. Somerton is unable to give me the slightest clue.

MRS. S. But I do possess a clue--a certain infallible one.

POS. Ah!--then where is your clue--produce your clue--what is your clue?

MRS. S. (_looking intently at RATCLIFFE_) A paper in the handwriting of this bold and impudent villain, (_RATCLIFFE slightly starts_) treating the matter as a commercial transaction, and affecting to acknowledge as a voluntary loan from me the amount of which he plundered me.

RAT. (_quickly_) A most important document indeed, and of the utmost consequence that I should obtain immediate possession of it.

MRS. S. (_sarcastically_) I believe you, sir; shall I fetch it?

RAT. Certainly.

MRS. S. And you _will remain here till I return?_ (_significantly_)

RAT. Assuredly.

MRS. S. (_hastily--aside to POSTLETHWAITE_) See that he does.

_Exit hastily, L. D._

RAT. (_aside and agitated_) That cursed paper may betray me, and this mad desperate game will have been played in vain.

POS. (_taking his arm and in a confidential manner_) Now between you and me and the post, if Cousin Somerton was to say to you, what will you give me for the chance of recovering my fifteen thousand pounds? what would you feel disposed to offer?

RAT. Not fifteen thousand farthings.

POS. (_aside_) The devil.

RAT. But what of that; the loss of a few paltry thousand can never lessen the intense affection you feel for your charming cousin.

POS. What do you mean by "intense affection?" I respect her--I like her--so I did my grandmother, but it never would occur to me to fall down and worship the ground she treads upon! besides to be candid with you, I don't think she is the sort of woman to fret herself into fiddlestrings about _me._

RAT. Indeed!

POS. No; besides, I put it to you, would it not be most selfish, most unkind in me to take a mean advantage of her promise to marry me, and compel my young and lovely relative to spend the remainder of her existence with me in my second floor in Arabella Row, Pimlico.

RAT. (_grasping POSTLETHWAITE'S hand_) That sentiment does you honour! Then she's at liberty to cancel her engagement to you? (_eagerly_)

POS. Yes, from this moment she's at liberty.

_Enter PEGGY running, L. U. E._

PEGGY. Where is he? (_comes down C._) Where's Mr. Superintendent? (_to RATCLIFFE_) Oh, sir, (_seeing POSTLETHWAITE_) Lor, Master Percy, is that you? (_throwing her arms round POSTLETHWAITE, then turning again to RATCLIFFE_) Oh, sir, I've got such news. (_to POSTLETHWAITE_) Lor bless'ee, I must have another buss. (_flinging her arms round POSTLETHWAITE_)

POS. That'll do, Peggy; I appreciate your affection, but it rumples one's front. (_arranging his shirt_)

PEGGY. (_to RATCLIFFE_) Then, sir--well, and so you must know that. (_turning to POSTLETHWAITE again_) Lor love'ee. (_about to embrace him again. POSTLETHWAITE turns away_)

PEGGY. (_to RATCLIFFE_) Well, sir, Sergeant Jones has just been here, and says he to me--says he--tell my Superintendent, Captain Ratcliffe, says he, that we've found the robber, says he.

POS. (_triumphantly_) And the money too, of course; not that my intense affection for my charming cousin could ever be influenced by a few paltry thousands more or less--no; I love her for herself alone.

PEGGY. It does my old heart good to hear you say that, because they've neither found the robber nor the money yet.

POS. Pooh, what a stupid old fool you are. What have they found then?

PEGGY. A hat!

POS. A hat! I never heard of anything so absurd in all my life.

PEGGY. But it's a very peculiar hat--what they call a wide-awake--a green one. (_POSTLETHWAITE here slowly raises his hand and feels his head, then looks about him. RATCLIFFE notices his movements_)

PEGGY. Sergeant Jones found it under the window; but that's not all--he says that the robber in making his escape must have fallen into the green house, and that probably his clothes may have been cut, or that pieces of glass may be sticking in him. (_POS. falls behind--gives a sudden start of pain--then examines his coat tails and finds one of them torn, fixes his hand on it. RATCLIFFE still observing him_) But that's not all, there are footmarks on the gravel walk, and as the gravel was only laid down yesterday, Sergeant Jones says that some of it must be sticking to his boots. (_here POSTLETHWAITE begins shuffling with his feet about, which he keeps up incessantly_) But that's not all! as Joe Podger, the blacksmith was going to his work this morning, he saw a man, a little short man, he says, (_POSTLETHWAITE draws himself up and crosses to C._) drop from that window, and he says he should know him again among a thousand.

POS. Oh lud! (_slightly staggering_)

RAT. (_trying to check a laugh_) What's the matter, my dear fellow? here sit down. (_making POS. sit down, who utters a cry of pain and jumps up again, then seeing RAT. and PEG. looking at him, begins shuffling his feet about again, and keeping his hand on his coat tail_)

RAT. (_to PEG._) Tell Sergeant Jones from me to act upon the information he has got without one moment's loss of time; run, fly! (_PEGGY trots out at door, L. U. E._)

RAT. (_to POS. and slapping him on the shoulder_) This is famous news indeed, eh?

POS. Yes, glorious news, though for my part I can't see that there's anything at all in finding a wide-a-wake--any man might lose his wide-a-wake--I might lose mine, and it might be a green wide-a-wake.

RAT. Heaven forbid, for I should immediately arrest you, my dear friend, but what of that? your charming cousin is too well aware of your intense affection.

POS. What d'ye mean by _intense affection?_ As I said before, I respect her--I like her, but--

RAT. But what?

POS. (_grasping RATCLIFFE'S hand and assuming a desperate tone and manner_) The dreadful truth must be spoken! I'm a rascal--I love another--the interesting widow of a large straw bonnet maker. When I say large, I don't allude to the bonnet maker, but the business--and shall I basely forsake the confiding woman who has placed all her straw bonnets--I mean all her happiness in my hands?--No! though my cousin _will_ soon have her £15,000 again.

RAT. That's very doubtful.

POS. No such thing. I'm certain of it, and so are you; still, never, never shall it be said of Postlethwaite, that he was actuated by the love of filthy lucre--so you'll wish her good bye for me, won't you?

RAT. Stay. Suppose you write a few lines to her, stating your reasons for renouncing her hand, and I'll deliver the letter to her.

POS. I'll do it at once, (_aside_) and considering that there's very little chance of Cousin Somerton's seeing a shilling of her money again, and a very considerable chance of my getting into trouble; the sooner I make my way back to Arabella Row, Pimlico, the better. (_goes into room, R. 2 E._)

RAT. (_anxiously_) _Will_ he write to her? will he, indeed, renounce her hand?

_Enter MRS. SOMERTON, L._

MRS. S. (_aside_) Still here, 'tis well; and now, Captain Ratcliffe, it is my turn to frighten you.

RAT. (_resuming his official manner_) Well, madam, have you found this important paper?

MRS. S. Yes, sir, but conceive my annoyance, when instead of a receipt, as I anticipated, I found the paper consisted of a few wretched insipid verses; intended to be very complimentary, no doubt, but commonplace in the extreme.

RAT. (_aside_) This is pleasant. I thought they were remarkably pretty verses. (_aloud_) Might I be favoured with a perusal of them?

MRS. S. Unfortunately, a near neighbour of mine, a _magistrate_ happened to look in, and thinking it would forward the ends of justice, I placed the paper in his hands.

RAT. A magistrate?

MRS. S. Yes, who on looking at it, suddenly exclaimed, "I cannot be mistaken--no, I'll swear to the handwriting."

RAT. Indeed! (_aside_) The devil! (_aloud_) and his name is----

MRS. S. Boldwig.

RAT. Boldwig! (_aside_) My old colonel, damn it, I've written a hundred letters to him.

MRS. S. The colonel fancies the robber may be still concealed on the premises.

RAT. (_forcing a laugh_) Ha, ha! Still on the premises, a very likely matter.

MRS. S. Why not? So bold and impudent a villain, as you very properly designate him. How fortunate it was that I remembered the existence of that "important paper."

RAT. Yes, it was a very brilliant idea of yours, indeed.