SCENE III.

_Room at MRS. STITCHLEY'S._

_Enter SERVANT, L. H., followed by BOLT and MIZZLE._

SERV. This way, gentlemen; my mistress will see you in a minute.

(_Exit, R.H._)

BOLT. Well, here is a new feature.

MIZ. Yes, like a broken nose--a very irregular feature. What are we to say?

BOLT. Our wits will inspire us.

MIZ. Wits! I've no wits, nor you either, or you wouldn't have advised this blessed expedition.

_Enter MRS. STITCHLEY and SERVANT, R.H. SERVANT exits, L._

MRS. S. Good morning, gentlemen.

BOLT _and_ MIZZLE. Good morning!--Good morning!

MRS. S. May I ask the cause of this visit?

MIZ. (_Aside._) Ah! that's the devil of it.

BOLT. Cause--ah--madam, the cause is the reason, ma'am--Ahem! and the reason is the cause.--(_Aside._) She must have a customer named Smith. You doubtless know--Miss Smith?

MRS. S. No, sir! I have not that honour.

MIZ. (_Aside._) Of course not; everything goes wrong to-day.

BOLT. (_Aside._) Smith wont do--I'll try Brown. Miss Brown, madam, you know?

MRS. S. Oh dear, yes! Miss Brown is one of my best customers.

BOLT. Ha! ha! Bobby, the lady and I understand each other now, don't we? (_Nudges him._)

MRS. S. (_Aside._) What odd persons!--Yes, sir; but Miss Brown?

BOLT. True, true! about Miss Brown. There is a little account--

MRS. S. Oh! between me and Miss Brown?--(_Aside._) He is a gentlemanly young fellow, after all.

BOLT. I, madam, will settle that account.

MIZ. (_Aside._) He'll settle himself if he does; he must be flush to-day.

MRS. S. I'll send my servant for a stamp directly, sir.

BOLT. Don't hurry yourself, ma'am; I'll settle it to-morrow. That's what I called for,--to tell you I'd settle it to-morrow.

MRS. S. Oh--h--h!--(_Aside._) There's a great vulgarity about him.

BOLT. I've nothing more to say. Good morning, ma'am--nothing.--(_Aside._) Besides, the old man must be a mile off by this time.

MIZ. Good by, ma'am.--(_Aside._) I say, Bolt, I vote we go back to the shop; this may be a prelude to something further.

MRS. S. But one thing more. Miss Brown is an intimate friend of mine, as well as a customer--now I don't think I ever saw you before!

BOLT. Very likely not, ma'am.

MIZ. It is exceedingly probable.

BOLT. The fact is--ahem!--the facts are these: there is no such person as Miss Brown; Miss Brown has ceased to be Miss Brown--and I'm a happy man.

MRS. S. What! do you mean that Miss Brown is married, and that you are--

BOLT. Precisely; I see she has not disclosed the tender secret.

MIZ. (_Aside._) Ha, ha! it is funny, after all.

BOLT. Miss Brown, you see, is now Mrs. Steele. Yes--my name is Steele, and this gentleman's name is Addison.

MIZ. Yes, ma'am, my name is Maddison--Ha, ha, ha!

_Enter SERVANT, L. H._

SERV. Miss Brown, ma'am.

(_Exit, L._)

BOLT. The devil! oh! he, he! the tender creature! Confusion! Petrifaction!

MIZ. (_Whispering._) I say, Charley--how d'ye like that? Bother your long-winded stories!--Oh!

_Enter MISS BROWN, L. H._

BOLT. (_Aside._) Not remarkably handsome, either.

MRS. S. How d'ye do, Miss Brown?--I beg pardon, Mrs. Steele, I mean.

MISS B. Mrs. Steele! what d'ye mean?

MIZ. (_Aside._) Ah, she wont swallow it--she's not soft steel.

BOLT. Well, anything to get off. Good by, ladies,--good by.

MRS. S. What an ungallant husband!

MISS B. Husband?

MRS. S. Yes, yes, Mrs. Steele; that gentleman, Mr. Steele, has confessed all. You sly creature.

BOLT. Yes, yes!--good by! You may settle this discussion among yourselves.

MRS. S. Yes, yes! this gentleman told me he was your husband.

MIZ. True, madam; stick to that. _He_ told you so; mind, I had nothing to do with it.

MISS B. (_Aside._) It may be an eccentric method of making an offer. He is not bad looking, and opportunities are--alas!--not too frequent. I'll humour it.--And so my dear Steele's confess'd?

BOLT. Ha, ha, ha! Yes.--(_Aside._) Dear Steele! She jumps at it.--I'm magnetic steel. (_Whisper._) I say, what's the meaning of this?

MIZ. Don't ask me; you're the man of talent--I know the meaning of nothing.

MISS B. Oh, you naughty man; when you so faithfully promised to keep it a secret.

BOLT. Well, as I said before, we must go. Farewell, my lo--o--ve!

MIZ. Farewell, Mrs. Steele.--(_Aside._) Be divorced as soon as possible, Charley.

MISS B. But, my dearest, where are you going?

MIZ. (_Aside._) To the devil, and taking me for company.

BOLT. Oh, for a holiday; just to get rid, ha, ha! of a few loose sovereigns.

MISS B. Are you, indeed? Then I'll accompany you.--Now don't look sulky, Steele; you know I will--positively I will.

BOLT. Well, my dear, if you will, I--heigho!--suppose you must.

MIZ. (_Aside to BOLT._) I say, Bolt, that lady belongs to you, you know; if we've any refreshment, you pay the heads--we don't go halves.

(_MISS B. and MRS. S. have been conversing apart._)

MRS. S. Oh, I should be charmed--delighted!

MISS B. Here is my bosom friend, Mrs. Stitchley, says she would like to be of the party. This little gentleman will be a nice beau for her.

BOLT. (_Whispers._) I say, Bob--we _shall_ go halves.

MISS B. Lend me your arm, sir. _We married_ folks lead the way. Two _hearts lead_.

MRS. S. Yes, my little gentleman, we can't do better than _follow suit_.

MIZ. Oh, we're a couple of trumps. I wish I could cut out of this game.

(_Exeunt, two and two._)