Chapter 24

"The surgeon's equipment is an ox-cart containing jars of drugs (most of them marked 'N.E.R.' and 'O.B.J.'), boxes of homoeopathic pills (about the size of a child's head), immense saws and knives, skeletons of animals, &c.; over which preside the surgeon and his assistant in appropriate dresses, with tin spectacles. This surgeon is generally the chief feature of the parade, and his reports are astonishing additions to the surgical lore of our country. He is the wit of the College,--the one who above all others is celebrated for the loudest laugh, the deepest bumper, the best joke, and the poorest song. How well he sustains his reputation may be known by listening to his annual reading, or by reference to the reports of 'Trotwood,' 'Gubbins,' or 'Deppity Sawbones,' who at different times have immortalized themselves by their contributions to science. The cavalcade is preceded by the 'pioneers,' who clear the way for the advancing troops; which is generally effected by the panic among the boys, occasioned by the savage aspect of the pioneers,--their faces being hideously painted, and their dress consisting of gleanings from every costume, Christian, Pagan, and Turkish, known among men. As the body passes through the different streets, the martial men receive sundry testimonials of regard and approval in the shape of boquets and wreaths from the fair 'Peruvians,' who of course bestow them on those who, in their opinion, have best succeeded in the object of the day,--uncouth appearance. After the ceremonies, the students quietly congregate in some room in college to _count_ these favors and to ascertain who is to be considered the hero of the day, as having rendered himself pre-eminently ridiculous. This honor generally falls to the lot of the surgeon. As the sun sinks behind the Adirondacs over the lake, the parade ends; the many lookers-on having nothing to see but the bright visions of the next year's training, retire to their homes; while the now weary students, gathered in knots in the windows of the upper stories, lazily and comfortably puff their black pipes, and watch the lessening forms of the retreating countrymen."

Further to elucidate the peculiarities of the June Training, the annexed account of the custom, as it was observed on the first Wednesday in June of the current year, is here inserted, taken from the "Daily Free Press," published at Burlington, June 8th, 1855.

"The annual parade of the principal military body in Vermont is an event of importance. The first Wednesday in June, the day assigned to it, is becoming the great day of the year in Burlington. Already it rivals, if it does not exceed, Commencement day in glory and honor. The people crowd in from the adjoining towns, the steamboats bring numbers from across the lake, and the inhabitants of the town turn out in full force. The yearly recurrence of such scenes shows the fondness of the people for a hearty laugh, and the general acceptableness of the entertainment provided.

"The day of the parade this year was a very favorable one,--without dust, and neither too hot nor too cold for comfort The performances properly--or rather _im_properly--commenced in the small hours of the night previous by the discharge of a cannon in front of the college buildings, which, as the cannon was stupidly or wantonly pointed _towards_ the college buildings, blew in several hundred panes of glass. We have not heard that anybody laughed at this piece of heavy wit.

"At four o'clock in the afternoon, the Invincibles took up their line of march, with scream of fife and roll of drum, down Pearl Street to the Square, where the flying artillery discharged a grand national salute of one gun; thence to the Exchange, where a halt was made and a refreshment of water partaken of by the company, and then to the Square in front of the American, where they were duly paraded, reviewed, exhorted, and reported upon, in presence of two or three thousand people.

"The scene presented was worth seeing. The windows of the American and Wheeler's Block had all been taken out, and were filled with bright female faces; the roofs of the same buildings were lined with spectators, and the top of the portico of the American was a condensed mass of loveliness and bright colors. The Town Hall windows, steps, doors, &c. were also filled. Every good look-out anywhere near the spot was occupied, and a dense mass of by-standers and lookers-on in carriages crowded the southern part of the Square.

"Of the cortege itself, the pencil of a Hogarth only could give an adequate idea. The valorous Colonel Brick was of course the centre of all eyes. He was fitly supported by his two aids. The three were in elegant uniforms, were handsomely mounted, rode well and with gallant bearing, and presented a particularly attractive appearance.

"Behind them appeared a scarlet robe, surmounted by a white wig of Brobdinagian dimensions and spectacles to match, which it is supposed contained in the interior the physical system of the Reverendissimus Boanerges Diogenes Lanternarius, Chaplain, the whole mounted upon the vertebræ of a solemn-looking donkey.

"The representative of the Church Militant was properly backed up by the Flying Artillery. Their banner announced that they were 'for the reduction of Sebastopol,' and it is safe to say that they will certainly take that fortress, if they get a chance. If the Russians hold out against those four ghostly steeds, tandem, with their bandy-legged and kettle-stomached riders,--that gun, so strikingly like a joint of old stove-pipe in its exterior, but which upon occasion could vomit forth your real smoke and sound and smell of unmistakable brimstone,--and those slashed and blood-stained artillerymen,--they will do more than anybody did on Wednesday.

"The T.L.N. Horn-et Band, with Sackbut, Psaltery, Dulcimer, and Shawm, Tanglang, Locofodeon, and Hugag, marched next. They reserved their efforts for special occasions, when they woke the echoes with strains of altogether unearthly music, composed for them expressly by Saufylur, the eminent self-taught New Zealand composer.

"Barnum's Baby-Show, on four wheels, in charge of the great showman himself, aided by that experienced nurse, Mrs. Gamp, in somewhat dilapidated attire, followed. The babies, from a span long to an indefinite length, of all shapes and sizes, black, white, and snuff-colored, twins, triplets, quartettes, and quincunxes, in calico and sackcloth, and in a state of nature, filled the vehicle, and were hung about it by the leg or neck or middle. A half-starved quadruped of osseous and slightly equine appearance drew the concern, and the shrieking axles drowned the cries of the innocents.

"Mr. Joseph Hiss and Mrs. Patterson of Massachusetts were not absent. Joseph's rubicund complexion, brassy and distinctly Know-Nothing look, and nasal organ well developed by his experience on the olfactory committee, were just what might have been expected. The 'make up' of Mrs. P., a bright brunette, was capital, and she looked the woman, if not the lady, to perfection. The two appeared in a handsome livery buggy, paid for, we suppose, by the State of Massachusetts.

"A wagon-load of two or three tattered and desperate looking individuals, labelled 'Recruits for the Crimea,' with a generous supply of old iron and brick-bats as material of war, was dragged along by the frame and most of the skin of what was once a horse.

"Towards the rear, but by no means least in consequence or in the amount of attention attracted, was the army hospital, drawn by two staid and well-fed oxen. In front appeared the snowy locks and 'fair round belly, with good _cotton_ lined' of the worthy Dr. Esculapius Liverwort Tarand Cantchuget-urlegawa Opodeldoc, while by his side his assistant sawbones brayed in a huge iron mortar, with a weighty pestle, much noise, and indefatigable zeal, the drugs and dye-stuffs. Thigh-bones, shoulder-blades, vertebræ, and even skulls, hanging round the establishment, testified to the numerous and successful amputations performed by the skilful surgeon.

"Noticeable among the cavalry were Don Quixote de la U.V.M., Knight of the patent-leather gaiters, terrible in his bright rectangular cuirass of tin (once a tea-chest), and his glittering harpoon; his doughty squire, Sancho Panza; and a dashing young lady, whose tasteful riding-dress of black cambric, wealth of embroidered skirts and undersleeves, and bold riding, took not a little attention.

"Of the rank and file on foot it is useless to attempt a description. Beards of awful size, moustaches of every shade and length under a foot, phizzes of all colors and contortions, four-story hats with sky-scraping feathers, costumes ring-streaked, speckled, monstrous, and incredible, made up the motley crew. There was a Northern emigrant just returned from Kansas, with garments torn and water-soaked, and but half cleaned of the adhesive tar and feathers, watched closely by a burly Missourian, with any quantity of hair and fire-arms and bowie-knives. There were Rev. Antoinette Brown, and Neal Dow; there was a darky whose banner proclaimed his faith in Stowe and Seward and Parker, an aboriginal from the prairies, an ancient minstrel with a modern fiddle, and a modern minstrel with an ancient hurdy- gurdy. All these and more. Each man was a study in himself, and to all, Falstaff's description of his recruits would apply:--

"'My whole charge consists of corporals, lieutenants, gentlemen of companies, slaves as ragged as Lazarus in the painted cloth, where the glutton's dogs licked his sores; the cankers of a calm world and a long peace; ten times more dishonorable ragged than an old-faced ancient: and such have I, that you would think I had a hundred and fifty tattered prodigals lately come from swine-keeping, from eating draff and husks. A mad fellow met me on the way and told me I had unloaded all the gibbets and pressed the dead bodies. No eye hath seen such scarecrows.'

"The proceedings on the review were exciting. After the calling of the roll, the idol of his regiment, Col. Martin Van Buren Brick, discharged an eloquent and touching speech.

"From the report of Dr. Opodeldoc, which was thirty-six feet in length, we can of course give but a few extracts. He commenced by informing the Invincibles that his cures the year past had been more astounding than ever, and that his fame would continue to grow brighter and brighter, until eclipsed by the advent of some younger Dr. Esculapius Liverwort Tar Cant-ye-get-your-leg-away Opodeldoc, who in after years would shoot up like a meteor and reproduce his father's greatness; and went on as follows:--

"'The first academic that appeared after the last report was the _desideratum graduatere_, or graduating fever. Twenty-seven were taken down. Symptoms, morality in the head,--dignity in the walk, --hints about graduating,--remarkable tendency to swell,--literary movement of the superior and inferior maxillary bones, &c., &c. Strictures on bleeding were first applied; then treating homoeopathically _similis similibus_, applied roots extracted, roots Latin and Greek, infinitesimal extracts of calculus, mathematical formulas, psychological inductions, &c., &c. No avail. Finally applied huge sheep-skin plasters under the axilla, with a composition of printers' ink, paste, paper, ribbons, and writing-ink besmeared thereon, and all were despatched in one short day.

"'Sophomore Exhibition furnished many cases. One man hit by a Soph-bug, drove eye down into stomach, carrying with it brains and all inside of the head. In order to draw them back to their proper place, your Surgeon caused a leaf from Barnum's Autobiography to be placed on patient's head, thinking that to contain more true, genuine _suction_ than anything yet discovered.

* * * * *

"'Nebraska _cancers_ have appeared in our ranks, especially in Missouri division. Surgeon recommends 385 eighty-pounders be loaded to the muzzle, first with blank cartridges,--to wit, Frank Pierce and Stephen A. Douglas, Free-Soil sermons, Fern Leaves, Hot Corn, together with all the fancy literature of the day,--and cause the same to be fired upon the disputed territory; this would cause all the breakings out to be removed, and drive off everybody.'

"The close of the report was as follows. It affected many even to tears.

"'May you all remember your Surgeon, and may your thoracic duck ever continue to sail peacefully down the common carrotted arteries, under the keystone of the arch of the aorta, and not rush madly into the abominable cavity and eclipse the semi-lunar dandelions, nor, still worse, play the dickens with the pneumogastric nerve and auxiliary artery, reverse the doododen, upset the flamingo, irritate the _high-old-glossus_, and be for ever lost in the receptaculum chyli. No, no, but, &c. Yours feelingly,

'Dr. E.L.T.C.O., M.D.'

"Dr. O., we notice, has added a new branch, that of dentistry, to his former accomplishments. By his new system, his customers are not obliged to undergo the pain of the operations in person, but, by merely sending their heads to him, can have everything done with a great decrease of trouble. From a calf's head thus sent in, the Doctor, after cutting the gums with a hay-cutter, and filing between the teeth with a wood-saw, skilfully extracted with a pair of blacksmith tongs a very great number of molars and incisors.

"Miss Lucy Amazonia Crura Longa Lignea, thirteen feet high, and Mr. Rattleshanks Don Skyphax, a swain a foot taller, advanced from the ranks, and were made one by the chaplain. The bride promised to own the groom, but _protested_ formally against his custody of her person, property, and progeny. The groom pledged himself to mend the unmentionables of his spouse, or to resign his own when required to rock the cradle, and spank the babies. He placed no ring upon her finger, but instead transferred his whiskers to her face, when the chaplain pronounced them 'wife and man,' and the happy pair stalked off, their heads on a level with the second-story windows.

"Music from the Keeseville Band who were present followed; the flying artillery fired another salute; the fife and drums struck up; and the Invincibles took their winding way to the University, where they were disbanded in good season."

JUNIOR. One in the third year of his collegiate course in an American college, formerly called JUNIOR SOPHISTER.

See SOPHISTER.

2. One in the first year of his course at a theological seminary. --_Webster_.

JUNIOR. Noting the third year of the collegiate course in American colleges, or the first year in the theological seminaries.--_Webster_.

JUNIOR APPOINTMENTS. At Yale College, there appears yearly, in the papers conducted by the students, a burlesque imitation of the regular appointments of the Junior exhibition. These mock appointments are generally of a satirical nature, referring to peculiarities of habits, character, or manners. The following, taken from some of the Yale newspapers, may be considered as specimens of the subjects usually assigned. Philosophical Oration, given to one distinguished for a certain peculiarity, subject, "The Advantage of a Great Breadth of Base." Latin Oration, to a vain person, subject, "Amor Sui." Dissertations: to a meddling person, subject, "The Busybody"; to a poor punster, subject, "Diseased Razors"; to a poor scholar, subject, "Flunk on,--flunk ever." Colloquy, to a joker whose wit was not estimated, subject, "Unappreciated Facetiousness." When a play upon names is attempted, the subject "Perfect Looseness" is assigned to Mr. Slack; Mr. Barnes discourses upon "_Stability_ of character, or pull down and build greater"; Mr. Todd treats upon "The Student's Manual," and incentives to action are presented, based on the line "Lives of great men all remind us," by students who rejoice in the Christian names, George Washington, Patrick Henry, Martin Van Buren, Andrew Jackson, Charles James Fox, and Henry Clay.

See MOCK PART.

JUNIOR BACHELOR. One who is in his first year after taking the degree of Bachelor of Arts.

No _Junior Bachelor_ shall continue in the College after the commencement in the Summer vacation.--_Laws of Harv. Coll._, 1798, p. 19.

JUNIOR FELLOW. At Oxford, one who stands upon the foundation of the college to which he belongs, and is an aspirant for academic emoluments.--_De Quincey_.

2. At Trinity College, Hartford, a Junior Fellow is one chosen by the House of Convocation to be a member of the examining committee for three years. Junior Fellows must have attained the M.A. degree, and can only be voted for by Masters in Arts. Six Junior Fellows are elected every three years.

JUNIOR FRESHMAN. The name of the first of the four classes into which undergraduates are divided at Trinity College, Dublin.

JUNIOR OPTIME. At the University of Cambridge, Eng., those who occupy the third rank in honors, at the close of the final examination in the Senate-House, are called _Junior Optimes_.

The third class, or that of _Junior Optimes_, is usually about at numerous as the first [that of the Wranglers], but its limits are more extensive, varying from twenty-five to sixty. A majority of the Classical men are in it; the rest of its contents are those who have broken down before the examination from ill-health or laziness, and choose the Junior Optime as an easier pass degree under their circumstances than the Poll, and those who break down in the examination; among these last may be sometimes found an expectant Wrangler.--_Bristed's Five Years in an Eng. Univ._, Ed. 2d p. 228.

The word is frequently abbreviated.

Two years ago he got up enough of his low subjects to go on among the _Junior Ops._--_Ibid._, p. 53.

There are only two mathematical papers, and these consist almost entirely of high questions; what a _Junior Op._ or low Senior Op. can do in them amounts to nothing.--_Ibid._, p. 286.

JUNIOR SOPHISTER. At the University of Cambridge, Eng., a student in the second year of his residence is called Junior Soph or Sophister.

2. In some American colleges, a member of the Junior Class, i.e. of the third year, was formerly designated a Junior Sophister.

See SOPHISTER.

_K_.

KEEP. To lodge, live, dwell, or inhabit. To _keep_ in such a place, is to have rooms there. This word, though formerly used extensively, is now confined to colleges and universities.

Inquire of anybody you meet in the court of a college at Cambridge your way to Mr. A----'s room, you will be told that he _keeps_ on such a staircase, up so many pair of stairs, door to the right or left.--_Forby's Vocabulary_, Vol. II. p. 178.

He said I ought to have asked for his rooms, or inquired where he _kept_.--_Gent. Mag._, 1795, p. 118.

Dr. Johnson, in his Dictionary, cites this very apposite passage from Shakespeare: "Knock at the study where they say he keeps." Mr. Pickering, in his Vocabulary, says of the word: "This is noted as an Americanism in the Monthly Anthology, Vol. V. p. 428. It is less used now than formerly."

_To keep an act_, in the English universities, "to perform an exercise in the public schools preparatory to the proceeding in degrees." The phrase was formerly in use in Harvard College. In an account in the Mass. Hist. Coll., Vol. I. p. 245, entitled New England's First Fruits, is the following in reference to that institution: "The students of the first classis that have beene these foure yeeres trained up in University learning, and are approved for their manners, as they have _kept their publick Acts_ in former yeeres, ourselves being present at them; so have they lately _kept two solemn Acts_ for their Commencement."

_To keep chapel_, in colleges, to attend Divine services, which are there performed daily.

"As you have failed to _make up your number_ of chapels the last two weeks," such are the very words of the Dean, "you will, if you please, _keep every chapel_ till the end of the term."--_Household Words_, Vol. II. p. 161.

_To keep a term_, in universities, is to reside during a term.--_Webster_.

KEYS. Caius, the name of one of the colleges in the University of Cambridge, Eng., is familiarly pronounced _Keys_.

KINGSMAN. At the University of Cambridge, Eng., a member of King's College.

He came out the winner, with the _Kingsman_ and one of our three close at his heels.--_Bristed's Five Years in an Eng. Univ._, Ed. 2d, p. 127.

KITCHEN-HATCH. A half-door between the kitchen and the hall in colleges and old mansions. At Harvard College, the students in former times received at the _kitchen-hatch_ their food for the evening meal, which they were allowed to eat in the yard or at their rooms. At the same place the waiters also took the food which they carried to the tables.

The waiters when the bell rings at meal-time shall take the victuals at the _kitchen-hatch_, and carry the Same to the several tables for which they are designed.--_Laws Harv. Coll._, 1798, p. 41.

See BUTTERY-HATCH.

KNOCK IN. A phrase used at Oxford, and thus explained in the Collegian's Guide: "_Knocking in_ late, or coming into college after eleven or twelve o'clock, is punished frequently with being 'confined to gates,' or being forbidden to '_knock in_' or come in after nine o'clock for a week or more, sometimes all the term."--p. 161.

KNOCKS. From KNUCKLES. At some of the Southern colleges, a game at marbles called _Knucks_ is a common diversion among the students.

[Greek: Kudos]. Greek; literally, _glory, fame_. Used among students, with the meaning _credit, reputation_.

I was actuated not merely by a desire after the promotion of my own [Greek: kudos], but by an honest wish to represent my country well.--_Bristed's Five Years in an Eng. Univ._, Ed. 2d, pp. 27, 28.

_L_.

LANDSMANNSCHAFT. German. The name of an association of students in German universities.

LAP-EAR. At Washington College, Penn., students of a religious character are called _lap-ears_ or _donkeys_. The opposite class are known by the common name of _bloods_.

LATIN SPOKEN AT COLLEGES. At our older American colleges, students were formerly required to be able to speak and write Latin before admission, and to continue the use of it after they had become members. In his History of Harvard University, Quincy remarks on this subject:--

"At a period when Latin was the common instrument of communication among the learned, and the official language of statesmen, great attention was naturally paid to this branch of education. Accordingly, 'to speak true Latin, both in prose and verse,' was made an essential requisite for admission. Among the 'Laws and Liberties' of the College we also find the following: 'The scholars _shall never use their mother tongue_, except that, in public exercises of oratory or such like, they be called to make them in English.' This law appears upon the records of the College in the Latin as well as in the English language. The terms in the former are indeed less restrictive and more practical: 'Scholares vernaculâ linguâ, _intra Collegii limites_, nullo pretextu utentur.' There is reason to believe that those educated at the College, and destined for the learned professions, acquired an adequate acquaintance with the Latin, and those destined to become divines, with the Greek and Hebrew. In other respects, although the sphere of instruction was limited, it was sufficient for the age and country, and amply supplied all their purposes and wants." --Vol. I. pp. 193, 194.