Chapter 25

HUMORS OF THE LIBRARY.[3]

SOME THOUGHTS ON CLASSIFICATION.

_By Librarian F. M. Crunden._

Classification is vexation, Shelf-numbering is as bad; The rule of D Doth puzzle me; Mnemonics drives me mad.

_Air--The Lord Chancellor's Song._

When first I became a librarian, Says I to myself, says I, I'll learn all their systems as fast as I can, Says I to myself, says I; The Cutter, the Dewey, the Schwartz, and the Poole, The alphabet, numeral, mnemonic rule, The old, and the new, and the eclectic school, Says I to myself, says I.

Class-numbers, shelf-numbers, book-numbers, too, Says I to myself, says I, I'll study them all, and I'll learn them clear thro', Says I to myself, says I; I'll find what is good, and what's better and best, And I'll put two or three to a practical test; And then--if I've time--I'll take a short rest, Says I to myself, says I.

But art it is long and time it doth fly, Says I to myself, says I, And three or four years have already passed by, Says I to myself, says I; And yet on those systems I'm not at all clear, While new combinations forever appear, To master them all is a life-work, I fear, Says I to myself, says I.

* * * * *

Classification in a Library in Western New York: Gail Hamilton's "Woolgathering," under Agriculture.

* * * * *

Book asked for. "An attack philosopher in Paris."

A changed title. A young woman went into a library the other day and asked for the novel entitled "She combeth not her head," but she finally concluded to take "He cometh not, she said."

* * * * *

Labor-saving devices. The economical catalogue-maker who thus set down two titles--

"Mill on the Floss, do. Political economy."

has a sister who keeps a universal scrap-book into which everything goes, but which is carefully indexed. She, too, has a mind for saving, as witness:

"Patti, Adelina. do. Oyster."

* * * * *

From a New York auction catalogue:

"267. Junius Stat Nominis Umbrii, with numerous splendid portraits."

* * * * *

At the New York Free Circulating Library, a youth of twenty said Shakespeare made him tired. "Why couldn't he write English instead of indulging in that _thee_ and _thou_ business?" Miss Braddon he pronounced "a daisy". A pretty little blue-eyed fellow "liked American history best of all," but found the first volume of Justin Winsor's history too much for him. "The French and German and Hebrew in it are all right, but there's Spanish and Italian and Latin, and I don't know those."

* * * * *

A gentleman in Paris sent to the bookbinder two volumes of the French edition of "Uncle Tom's Cabin." The title in French is "L'Oncle Tom," and the two volumes were returned to him marked on their backs:

L'Oncle, L'Oncle, Tome I. Tome II.

* * * * *

HOW A BIBLIOMANIAC BINDS HIS BOOKS.

I'd like my favorite books to bind So that their outward dress To every bibliomaniac's mind Their contents should express.

Napoleon's life should glare in red, John Calvin's life in blue; Thus they would typify bloodshed And sour religion's hue.

The Popes in scarlet well may go; In jealous green, Othello; In gray, Old Age of Cicero, And London Cries in yellow.

My Walton should his gentle art In salmon best express, And Penn and Fox the friendly heart In quiet drab confess.

Crimea's warlike facts and dates Of fragrant Russia smell; The subjugated Barbary States In crushed Morocco dwell.

But oh! that one I hold so dear Should be arrayed so cheap Gives me a qualm; I sadly fear My Lamb must be half-sheep! IRVING BROWNE.

* * * * *

In a Wisconsin library, a young lady asked for the "Life of National Harthorne" and the "Autograph on the breakfast table."

* * * * *

"Have you a poem on the Victor of Manengo, by Anon?"

* * * * *

Library inquiry--"I want the catalogue of temporary literature."

Query--What did she want?

A friend proposes to put Owen's "Footfalls on the Boundaries of Another World" in Travels. Shall we let him?

* * * * *

A poet, in Boston, filled out an application for a volume of Pope's works, an edition reserved from circulation, in the following tuneful manner:

"You ask me, dear sir, to a reason define Why you should for a fortnight this volume resign To my care.--_I am also a son of the nine._"

* * * * *

A worthy Deutscher, confident in his mastery of the English tongue, sent the following quaint document across the sea:

"I send you with the Post six numbers, of our Allgemeine Militär-Zeitung, which is published in the next year to the fifty times. Excuse my bath english I learned in the school and I forgot so much. If you have interest to german Antiquariatskataloge I will send to you some. I remain however yours truly servant."

* * * * *

A gentlemanly stranger once asked the delivery clerk for "a genealogy." "What one?" she asked. "Oh! any," he said. "Well--Savage's?" "No; white men."

* * * * *

Said Melvil Dewey: "To my thinking, a great librarian must have a clear head, a strong hand, and, above all, a great heart. Such shall be greatest among librarians; and, when I look into the future, I am inclined to think that most of the men who will achieve this greatness will be women."

* * * * *

A LIBRARY HYMN.

_By an Assistant Librarian._

I have endeavored to clothe the dull prose of the usual Library Rules with the mantle of poetry, that they may be more attractive, and more easily remembered by the great public whom we serve.

Gently, reader, gently moving, Wipe your feet beside the door; Hush your voice to whispers soothing, Take your hat off, I implore! Mark your number, plainly, rightly, From the catalogue you see; With the card projecting slightly, Then your book bring unto me. Quickly working, With no shirking, Soon another there will be.

If above two weeks you've left me, Just two cents a day I'll take, And, unless my mind's bereft me, Payment you must straightway make. Treat your books as if to-morrow, Gabriel's trump would surely sound, And all scribbling, to your sorrow, 'Gainst your credit would be found. Therefore tear not, Spot and wear not All these books so neatly bound.

These few simple rules abiding, We shall always on you smile: There will be no room for chiding, No one's temper will you rile. And when Heaven's golden portals For you on their hinges turn, With the books for all immortals, There will be no rules to learn. Therefore heed them, Often read them, Lest your future weal you spurn.

* * * * *

TITLES OF BOOKS ASKED FOR BY WRITTEN SLIPS IN A POPULAR LIBRARY.

Aristopholus translated by Buckley. Alfreri Tragedus. Bertall Lavie Hors De Ches Soi. Cooke M. C. M. A. L. L. D. their nature and uses. Edited by Rev. J. M. Berkeley M. A. F. R. S. (Fungi.) Caralus Note Book (A Cavalier's). Gobden Club-Essays. Specie the origin of Darwin. An Epistropal Prayer Book.

* * * * *

BLUNDERS IN CATALOGUING.

Gasparin. The uprising of a great many people. Hughes, Tom. The scouring of the White House. Mayhew. The pheasant boy. Wind in the lower animals (Mind.)

* * * * *

RECENT CALLS FOR BOOKS AT A WESTERN LIBRARY.

Account of Monte Cristo. Acrost the Kontinent by Boles. Bula. Count of Corpus Cristy. Dant's Infernal comedy. Darwin's Descent on man. Feminine Cooper's works. Infeleese. Less Miserable. Some of Macbeth's writings. Something in the way of friction. Squeal to a book.

* * * * *

In Vol. 3 of Laporte's "Bibliographie contemporaine," Dibdin's famous book is entered thus: "Bibliomania, or boock, madnss: a bibliographical romance...ilustrated with cats."

* * * * *

A well-known librarian writes:

"The Catalogue of the Indiana State Library for the year 1859 has long been my wonder and admiration. "Bank's History of the Popes" appears under the letter B. Strong in the historical department, it offers a choice between the "Life of John Tyler, by Harper & Brothers," "Memoirs of Moses Henderson, by Jewish Philosophers," "Memoirs and Correspondence of Viscount Castlereach, by the Marquis of Londonderry," and "Memoirs of Benvenuto, by Gellini." In fiction, you may find "Tales of My Landlord by Cleishbotham," and "The Pilot, by the Author of the Pioneers;" while, if your passion for plural authorship is otherwise unappeasable--if Beaumont and Fletcher or Erckman-Chatrian seem to you too feeble a combination of talents--you may well be captivated by the title "Small Arms, by the United States Army."

"The State of Indiana has undoubtedly learned a good many things since 1859; but whosoever its present librarian may be, it is hardly probable that its highest flight in bibliography has surpassed the catalogue from which the above are quoted."

* * * * *

Books demanded at a certain public library:

"The Stuck-up Minister"--(Stickit Minister.) "From Jessie to Ernest" (Jest to Earnest).

* * * * *

A country order for books called for "The Thrown of David," "Echo of Hummo" (Ecce Homo) and "Echo of Deas" (Ecce Deus).

* * * * *

The Nation mentions as an instance of "the havoc which types can make with the titles of books, that a single catalogue gives us 'Clara Reeve's Old English Barn,' 'Swinburne's Century of Scoundrels,' and 'Una and her Papuse.' But this is outdone by the bookseller who offered for sale "Balvatzky, Mrs. Izis unveiled." Another goddess is offended in "Transits of Venice, by R. A. Proctor."

* * * * *

In a certain city, an examination of applicants for employment in the public library was held. The following is an exact copy of the answer to a question, asking for the title of a work written by each of the authors named: "John Ruskin, 'The Bread Winners;' William H. Prescott, 'The Frozen Pirate;' Charles Darwin, 'The Missing Link;' Thomas Carlyle, 'Caesar's Column.'" The same man is responsible for saying that "B. C." stands for the Creation, and "A. D." for the Deluge.

Who wants this bright young man?

* * * * *

A STORY ABOUT STORIES.

"When A Man's Single," all "Vanity Fair" Courts his favor and smiles, And feminine "Moths" "In Silk Attire" Try on him "A Woman's Wiles."

"The World, the Flesh and the Devil" Were "Wormwood" and gall to me, Weary and sick of "The Passing Show," No "Woman's Face" was "Fair to See."

I fled away to "The Mill on the Floss" "Two Years Ago," "In an Evil Hour," For "The Miller's Daughter" there I met, Who "Cometh Up as a Flower."

She was a simple "Rose in June," And I was "An Average Man;" "We Two" were "Far From the Madding Crowd" When our "Love and Life" began.

It was but "A Modern Instance" Of true "Love's Random Shot," And I, "The Heir of Redclyffe" Was "Kidnapped": and "Why Not"?

We cannot escape the hand of "Fate," And few are "Fated to be Free," But beware of "A Social Departure"-- You'll live "Under the Ban," like me.

I tried to force the "Gates Ajar" For my "Queen of Curds and Cream," But "The Pillars of Society" Shook with horror at my "Dream."

I am no more "A Happy Man," Though blessed with "Heavenly Twins," Because "The Wicked World" maintains "A Low Marriage" the worst of sins.

"Pride and Prejudice" rule the world, "A Marriage for Love" is "A Capital Crime," Beware of "A Country Neighborhood" And shun "Mad Love" in time.

* * * * *

Says the Nation:

A Philadelphia catalogue, whose compiler must have been more interested in current events than in his task, offers for sale "Intrigues of the Queen of Spain with McKinley, the Prince of Peace, Boston, 1809." How Godoy should become McKinley, or McKinley should become the Prince of Peace, is a problem for psychologists.

* * * * *

CONFUSION OF KNOWLEDGE.

The following are some specimens of answers to Examinations of candidates for Library employment, given within the past five years:

"A sonnet is a poem which is adapted to music, as Petrarch's sonnets"; "a sonnet is a short poem sometimes and sometimes a long one and generally a reflection, or thoughts upon some inanimate thing, as Young's 'Night thoughts.'" "An epic is a critical writing, as 'Criticism on man'"; "an epic is a literary form written in verse, and which teaches us some lesson not necessarily of a moral nature"; "an epic is a dramatic poem."

Epigrammatic writing is very clearly defined as "critical in a grammatical way." "Allegory is writing highly colored, as Pope's works"; "allegory is writing of something that never happened, but it is purely imaginary, often a wandering from the main point." A common mistake regarding the meaning of the word bibliography results in such answers as "bibliography--a study of the Bible;" or "gives the lives of the people in the Bible." An encyclopaedia was aptly defined as "a storehouse of knowledge for the enlightenment of the public," while another answer reads "Book of Books, giving the life of famous persons, life and habits of animals and plants, and some medical knowledge." A collection of works of any author is termed "an anthropology." "Anthology is the study of insects." Folklore is defined as "giving to animals and things human sense"; an elegy means "a eulogy," oratory, "the deliverance of words." Belles-lettres is to one applicant "beautiful ideas," to another "the title of a book," to another "short stories"; again "are the letters of French writers," and still another writes "French for prominent literature and light literature." A concordance "is the explication or definition of something told in a simpler form," is the extremely lucid answer to one question, which was answered by another candidate as "a table of reference at back of book."

The titles of books are too seldom associated with their authors' names, resulting in such answers as "Homer is the author of the Aeneid"; "Lalla Rookh" was written by James Blackmore; "Children of the Abbey," by Walter Besant (while another attributed it to Jane Porter); "Bow of orange Ribbon," by George Meredith; "Hon. Peter Stirling," by Fielding; "Quo Vadis," by Browning; "Pamela," by Frank Stockton (according to another by Marie Edgworth); "Love's Labour's Lost," by Bryant (another gives Thomas Reade as the author, while still another guesses Schiller); "Descent of Man," by Alexander Pope (another gives Dryden); "The Essay on Man," by Francis Bacon.

One candidate believes "Hudibras" to be an early Saxon poem; another that "Victor Hugo's best known work is William Tell"; another that "Aesop's Fables is a famous allegory." Charlotte Brontë is described as an "American--nineteenth century--children's book." Cicero was "known for Latin poetry." "Dante is an exceedingly bitter writer; he takes you into hell and describes Satan and his angels. He wrote his play for the stage." Another's idea of the Divine Comedy is "a play which could be acted by the priests on the steps of a church for the benefit of the poorer class."

Civil service in the mind of one young woman was "the service done by the government in a country, domesticly."

A Christian socialist is "an advocate of Christian science." "A limited monarchy is a kingdom whose ruler is under the ruler of another country." Legal tender is "the legal rate of interest"; another considers it "Paper money." In economics, some of the answers were "profit-sharing, a term used in socialism, the rich to divide among the poor." "Monopolies is the money gained by selling church properties"; while "a trust is usually a place where a person puts some money where it will be safe to keep it."

About noted personages and historic events and places the answers are equally startling. "Molière was a French essayist and critic" (also "a French writer of the nineteenth century,") Cecil Rhodes, "the founder of Bryn Mawr College"; "Seth Low--England, eighteenth century;" Attila "a woman mentioned in the Bible for her great cruelty to her child;" Warren Hastings "was a German soldier" (also "was a discoverer; died about 1870"); "Nero was a Roman emperor B. C. 450." Perhaps the most unique guess in this line was "Richard Wagner invented the Wagner cars;" Abbotsford is "the title of a book by Sir Walter Scott;" "Vassar College is a dream, high-up and unattainable;" "Tammany Hall is a political meeting place in London;" "the Parthenon, an art gallery in Athens."

Pedagogy seemed one of the most perplexing of words. It was defined by one as "the science of religion," by another as "learned pomposity;" but the most remarkable of all was "pedagogy is the study of feet."

* * * * *

SONG OF SOME LIBRARY SCHOOL SCHOLARS.

Three little maids from school are we, Filled to the brim with economy-- Not of the house but library, Learnt in the Library School.

_1st Maid_--I range my books from number one. _2nd Maid_--Alphabetically I've begun. _3rd Maid_--In regular classes mine do run. _All_--Three maids from the Library School.

_All_--Three little maidens all unwary, Each in charge of a library, Each with a system quite contrary To every other school.

Our catalogues, we quite agree, From faults and errors must be free, If only we our way can see To find the proper rule.

* * * * *

Boy's remark on returning a certain juvenile book to the library: "I don't want any more of them books. The girls is all too holy."

* * * * *

"Half the books in this library are not worth reading," said a sour-visaged, hypercritical, novel-satiated woman.--"Read the other half, then," advised a bystander.

* * * * *

THE WOES OF A LIBRARIAN.

Let us give a brief rehearsal Of the learning universal, Which men expect to find In Librarians to their mind.

He must undergo probation, Before he gets a situation; Must begin at the creation, When the world was in formation, And come down to its cremation, In the final consummation Of the old world's final spasm: He must study protoplasm, And bridge over every chasm In the origin of species, Ere the monkey wore the breeches, Or the Simian tribe began To ascend from ape to man.

He must master the cosmology, And know all about psychology, And the wonders of biology, And be deep in ornithology, And develop ideology, With the aid of craniology. He must learn to teach zoölogy, And be skilled in etymology, And the science of philology, And calculate chronology, While he digs into geology, And treats of entomology, And hunts up old mythology, And dips into theology, And grows wise in sociology, And expert in anthropology.

He must also know geography, And the best works on photography, And the science of stenography, And be well up on cosmography, And the secrets of cryptography. Must interpret blind chirography, Know by heart all mens' biography, And the black art of typography, And every book in bibliography.

These things are all essential And highly consequential.

If he's haunted by ambition For a library position, And esteems it a high mission, To aspire to erudition; He will find some politician Of an envious disposition, Getting up a coalition To secure his non-admission, And send him to perdition, Before he's reached fruition.

If he gets the situation, And is full of proud elation And of fond anticipation, And has in contemplation To enlighten half the nation, He may write a dissertation For the public information On the laws of observation, And the art of conversation.

He must know each famed oration, And poetical quotation, And master derivation, And the science of translation, And complex pagination, And perfect punctuation, And binomial equation, And accurate computation, And boundless permutation, And infinite gradation, And the craft of divination, And Scripture revelation, And the secret of salvation.

He must know the population Of every separate nation, The amount of immigration, And be wise in arbitration, And the art of navigation, And colonial annexation, And problems Australasian.

He must take his daily ration Of catalogue vexation, And endless botheration With ceaseless complication Of decimal notation, Or Cutter combination.

To complete his education, He must know the valuation Of all the publications Of many generations, With their endless variations, And true interpretations.

When he's spent a life in learning, If his lamp continues burning, When he's mastered all philosophy, And the science of theosophy, Grown as learned as Mezzofanti, As poetical as Dante, As wise as Magliabecchi, As profound as Mr. Lecky-- Has absorbed more kinds of knowledge Than are found in any college; He may take his full degree Of Ph. or LL. D. And prepare to pass the portal That leads to life immortal.

FOOTNOTES:

[3] Mostly from the Library Journal, New York.