1066 and all that

The first date[1] in English History is 55 B.C., in which year Julius Cæsar (the _memorable_ Roman Emperor) landed, like all other successful invaders of these islands, at Thane...

The withdrawal of the Roman legions to take part in Gibbon’s Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (due to a clamour among the Romans for pompous amusements such as bread and cir...

Noticing some fair-haired children in the slave market one morning, Pope Gregory, the memorable Pope, said (in Latin). “What are those?” and on being told that they were Angels,...

The conversion of Britain was followed by a Wave of Danes, accompanied by their sisters or _Sagas_, and led by such memorable warriors as Harold Falsetooth and Magnus the Great,...

King Alfred was the first Good King, with the exception of Good King Wenceslas, who, though he looked 4th, really came first (it is not known, however, what King Wenceslas was K...

King Arthur invented Conferences because he was secretly a Weak King and liked to know what his memorable thousand and one Knights wanted to do next. As they were all parfitly j...

Alfred had a very interesting wife called Lady Windermere (The Lady of the Lake), who was always clothed in the same white frock, and used to go bathing with Sir Launcelot (also...

He was called the Unready because he was never ready when the Danes were. Rather than wait for him the Danes used to fine him large sums called Danegeld, for not being ready. Bu...

Canute began by being a Bad King on the advice of his Courtiers, who informed him (owing to a misunderstanding of the Rule Britannia) that the King of England was entitled to si...

On his death Canute’s Kingdom was divided between two further sons, who had been previously overlooked, Aftercanute and Harold Harebrush. These were succeeded by Edward the Conf...

In the year 1066 occurred the other memorable date in English History, viz. _William the Conqueror, Ten Sixty-six_. This is also called _The Battle of Hastings_, and was when Wi...

This monarch was always very angry and red in the face and was therefore unpopular, so that his death was a Good Thing: it occurred in the following memorable way. Rufus was hun...

Henry I was famous for his handwriting and was therefore generally called Henry Beau-geste. He was extremely fond of his son William, who was, however, drowned in the White City...

Stephen himself felt quite uncalled for, and even his Aunt Matilda was able to take him in when she began announcing that she was the real King. Stephen, however, soon discovere...

Before Henry II’s time there were two kinds of legal trial, (_a_) the Ideal and (_b_) the Combat. The Ideal form of trial consisted in making a man plunge his head in boiling pl...

The Chapters between William I (1066) and the Tudors (Henry VIII, etc.) are always called the _Middle Ages_, on account of their coming at the beginning; this was also _The Age...

Richard I was a hairy King with a Lion’s Heart; he went roaring about the Desert making ferocious attacks on the Saladins and the Paladins, and was thus a very romantic King. Wh...

When John came to the throne he lost his temper and flung himself on the floor, foaming at the mouth and biting the rushes. He was thus a Bad King. Indeed, he had begun badly as...

There also happened in this reign the memorable Charta, known as Magna Charter on account of the Latin _Magna_ (great) and Charter (a Charter); this was the first of the famous...

About this time the memorable hero Robin Hood flourished in a romantic manner. Having been unjustly accused by two policemen in Richmond Park, he was condemned to be an outdoor...

Henry III was a confused kind of King and is only memorable for having seized all the money in the Mint, imprisoned himself in the Tower of London and, finally, flung himself in...

Long before Henry III had died (of a surfeit of Barons, Bonifaces, etc.) Edward I had taken advantage of the general confusion and of the death of Simon de Montfort (probably of...

Edward II had a wave of favourites or hangers-on at Court, of whom the worst were the Suspenders and the Peers Gaveston. There were two memorable Suspenders, the Old Suspender a...

Edward III had a very romantic reign which he began by confining his mother in a stronghold for the rest of her life, and inventing a law called the Gallic Law according to whic...

Richard II was only a boy at his accession: one day, however, suspecting that he was now twenty-one, he asked his uncle and, on learning that he was, mounted the throne himself...

Henry very gallantly replied to this challenge by exhibiting Richard II’s head in St. Paul’s Cathedral, thus proving that he was innocent. Finding, however, that he was not memo...

On the death of Henry IV Part II, his son, Prince Hal, who had won all English hearts by his youthful pranks--(such as trying on the crown while his father lay dying, and hittin...

The next King, Henry VI, was only one year old and was thus rather a Weak King; indeed the Barons declared that he was quite numb and vague. When he grew up, however, he was suc...

During the Wars of the Roses the Kings became less and less memorable (sometimes even getting in the wrong order) until at last one of them was nothing but some little princes s...

English History has always been subject to Waves of Pretenders. These have usually come in small waves of about 2--an Old Pretender and a Young Pretender, their object being to...

Henry VIII was a strong King with a very strong sense of humour and VIII wives, memorable amongst whom were Katherine the Arrogant, Anne of Cloves, Lady Jane Austin and Anne Hat...

Edward VI and Broody Mary were the two small Tudors who came in between the two big ones, Henry VIII and Elizabeth. Edward VI was only a boy and consequently was not allowed to...

Although this memorable Queen was a man, she was constantly addressed by her courtiers by various affectionate female nicknames, such as Aurora-borealis, Ruritania, Black Beauty...

James I slobbered at the mouth and had favourites; he was thus a Bad King. He had, however, a very logical and tidy mind, and one of the first things he did was to have Sir Walt...

With the ascension of Charles I to the throne we come at last to the Central Period of English History (not to be confused with the Middle Ages, of course), consisting in the _u...

Charles II was always very merry and was therefore not so much a king as a Monarch. During the civil war he had rendered valuable assistance to his father’s side by hiding in al...

Although a Good Man, James II was a Bad King and behaved in such an irritating and arbitrary way that by the end of his reign the people had all gone mad.

Williamanmary for some reason was known as The Orange in their own country of Holland, and were popular as King of England because the people naturally believed it was descended...

Queen Anne was considered rather a remarkable woman and hence was usually referred to as Great Anna, or Annus Mirabilis. Besides being dead she was extremely kind-hearted and ha...

Although the Whigs said that George I was King, many of the Tories thought that the Old Pretender was. The Old Pretender did not raise the standard of rebellion much and is only...

(2) that France should hand over to England the West Indian islands of San Flamingo, Tapioca, Sago, Dago, Bezique and Contango, while the Dutch were always to have Lumbago and t...

George III was a Bad King. He was, however, to a great extent insane and a Good Man and his ministers were always called Pitt. The Pitts, like Pretenders, generally came in wave...

It was in the 18th Century that Indian History started. Indian History is a great number of wars in which the English fought victoriously against the Waratah Confederacy and var...

One day when George III was insane he heard that the Americans never had afternoon tea. This made him very obstinate and he invited them all to a compulsory tea-party at Boston;...

Soon after America had ceased to be memorable, the French Revolution broke out (in France). This, like all other Revolutions, was chiefly due to Liberty, Fraternity, Equality, e...

The English were disgusted by this new French Convention and so decided to go in for The War again, thus causing Nelson and the Duke of Wellington. The War was now called the Na...

Napoleon ought never to be confused with Nelson, in spite of their hats being so alike; they can most easily be distinguished from one another by the fact that Nelson always sto...

But the most important of the great men who at this time kept Britain top nation was an Irishman called John Wesley, who afterwards became the Duke of Wellington (and thus Engli...

During these Wars many very remarkable discoveries and inventions were made. Most memorable among these was the discovery (made by all the rich men in England at once) that wome...

During these disturbances George III had died and had been succeeded by his son, George IV, who was the Prince Regent and an Inventor and very Bad. George IV’s most memorable in...

The marine tendency of George IV was inherited by his brother William IV, who was known as the Sailor King on account of his readiness to create any number of piers at moments o...

On the death of William IV, Queen Victoria, though asleep at the time and thus in her nightdress, showed great devotion to duty by immediately ascending the throne. In this bold...

(_d_) The _Holy Places_. _The French_ thought that the _Holy Places_ ought to be guarded (probably against the _Americans_) by _Latin Monks_, while _the Turks_, who owned the Pl...

(_a_) _The Natives._ These believed that the English were going to make them bite their greasy cartileges (Chuputti). This they treacherously believed to be contrary to their re...

Meanwhile, at home, fresh attempts to galvanize the Queen resulted in the promotion of Lord Palmerston (“Pal”) to the Premiership--a rather matey minister who always wore green...

Owing to the inability of the Queen’s ministers to amuse the Crown, superhuman attempts were now made by her Majesty’s generals at home and abroad to provide military diversions...

Disraeli also very generously purchased the Panama Canal from the Khalif and presented it to Queen Victoria with a huge bunch of primroses (his favourite flower), thus becoming...

The last event in Queen Victoria’s reign was the Borewore, or, more correctly, Boerwoer (Dutch), which was fought against a very tiresome Dutch tribe called the Bores, because t...

The reign of Queen Victoria was famous for the numerous discoveries and inventions which happened in it. One of the first of these was the brilliant theory of Mr. Darwin propoun...

Edward VII was quite old when he came to the throne, but this was only on account of Queen Victoria, and he was really a very active man and had many romantic occupations; for i...

King Edward’s new policy of peace was very successful and culminated in the Great War to End War. This pacific and inevitable struggle was undertaken in the reign of His Good an...

10. Refrain from commenting on The Albert Memorial, The September Massacres, The Dardanelles, The O.B.E., or any other subjects that you consider too numerous to mention. (The b...